I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

This.

You can't put his feelings above the safety of your DD.
As pps have said. Document. Send texts for time stamping. And speak to health visitors.

I would lose all affection and respect for anyone who did not care enough to protect any child far less their own. He has demonstrated a complete lack of interest in caring and nurturing and in fact placing them in danger everytime they are under their supervision. In my mind if he can't be bothered then it's the same as deliberate.
That is disgusting and horrible and unless he has medical issues affecting his memory and behaviour then in my mind unforgivable

Parenting classes?

"I know people can be forgetful in general life not organised but in serious things they are responsible." I have serious brain damage which affects my memory, mostly my very short term memory which affects organisation and structure of my day. Let me tell you medical issues don't know the difference between "serious issues" and non-serious ones. My last 42 years would have been a hell of a lot easier if I could just switch off my brain damage when things mattered - but I can't.

1. Get your husband to get a medical evaluation - it sounds like he could have a serious condition with which he needs support.
2. Stop expecting him to be able to do things you know he will struggle with, and help him be proactive in organising himself. Lists or reminders on his phone is fab. When my baby was small, I had a list of "things to do" (like check pram straps) and a list of "things to take" on the back of the front door.
3. If he really won't listen, or if you really don't care about him enough to help him, then obviously leave him because having a relationship where you resent him isn't healthy for either of you, and having a dad/partner who doesn't care about his wife/child enough to seek medical help to stop them endangering their child is clearly bad.
4. Don't underestimate the power of feeling useless. For example - I know that I have the most amazing, understanding boss, but there are still sometimes moments when I don't want to be the one who says I can't quite complete the task. It's not always easy to be needing help, which can stop me from speaking out. My employer's solution to this was 4 hours one-to-one every week, that's my time to go through what I need. Make sure that your husband has some continuous support, so he doesn't need to interrupt you for every little thing.

I was thinking maybe he was having PND or something? Maybe he’s so afraid of doing something wrong, he inadvertently is doing something wrong, so maybe he’s thinking better to do nothing than do the wrong thing perhaps?
If show was on the other foot and the man was saying these things about the woman, I’m sure the man would get a bashing to be if he even so much as mentioned half of these things, and most would be saying, to give the woman a break, she’s just given birth, maybe PnD has set in etc.

He should love her more than life itself so doing stupid irresponsible things like not putting the brake on , not strapping her in the car seat, leaving her on the sofa are completely unacceptable… I could not handle that, you must be living on your nerves. I feel so sorry for you. You have to read him the riot act and tell him if he doesn’t shape up and care for her properly then he’s OUT

Unfortunately, despite all the images of modern males we get through watching TV dramas etc. the truth is that some of them are still inherently useless when it comes to this stuff, mine was a bit similar. At the end of the day, you can do as others have said, have stern words etc. but in my experience it is unlikely to make much difference and you will continue to feel frustrated. Another option as others have said is to leave him, but this isn't going to reduce your workload, you'll basically have everything to do by yourself in this case. You can't trust him to look after her properly so you can only ask for very limited assistance with clear guidelines and you have to accept that you will need to keep reminding of things that seem basic to you. Perhaps he will become a better dad as she gets older (perhaps not) but it's up to you to decide whether you can accept the fact that he's not much good at this and the childcare thing is basically down to you. Does he contribute to the family in other ways, e.g. financially, jobs round the house etc? Could you accept that these areas are where he can focus and you can focus more on the baby? If not, you have to decide whether to stay with him, but as I say you'll still have all the childcare to do, and more. It may not be a popular view in this feminist world but I am talking from years of experience of trying to change someone, all it does is make you more frustrated. It's unlikely to work. But if you can find things he does that you can appreciate and accept that some things are just not his bag then you will be happier. It's disappointing when our partners don't live up to our expectations but sometimes we have to let go of how we think things should be to some extent, if you want to move forward. Wish you all the best, I really feel for you as I know how frustrating this kind of thing can be.

I wonder how he holds a job down, does he use greeting markers like hello/bye when he’s at work or with friends? What’s his job?

PLEASE...
Start documenting all these incidents when they happen. You need to write it all down, take pictures if it's safe to. Ask health visitors for advice in writing and keep all the evidence.
IF YOU END UP SEPARATING, this might really help with custody and help with not letting him be alone with the baby. It's not worth the risk if something tragic would happen.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, you must be absolutely exhausted. Best of luck!

My ex was like it .. whereas i ended up doing EVERYTHING.. he consistently fudged everything up or just didn't do it... I realised , after a long time, that he was capable, he was just lazy.

People shouldn't feel guilty for not being a perfect parent... Bit weird you'd even suggest that people should feel guilt over making mistakes.

People should learn from their mistakes. He doesn’t.

It really isn’t expecting perfection to expect an adult to know that hot water = burn baby. Especially as they seem to manage not to pour boiling water in their own mouth.

Honestly, I feel for you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a difficult partner. You two should be learning and growing together as parents. When my son was born my husband basically checked out and left it all to me, which I didn't mind bc I'm a tad controlling, but when he did do his tiny part, he did it right. If he did what your man is doing, honestly I would've told him to get lost. I don't know if you're married, as that makes things a bit more messy, but you are a mother now and that baby girl is depending on you and her dad to take care of her. She is the main priority now. So if your man isn't waking up or learning, then he needs to go. Ask for a separation or move in with your parents if you can. Being a new mom is so hard as it is, having to deal with a disappointing lazy man child would send any woman over the top. Your mental health matters, your baby's life matters, your partner and his lack of responsibility don't matter and he can go F himself!

Most mothers of new babies are hyperfocused. It's an observation, not a criticism

He doesn't "really love her" if he's repeatedly putting her in danger. Sorry but he is an unsafe parent. End the relationship and let him have supervised visits only.

That sounds awful. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It seems like he either doesn't want to change or is unable to because of a potential mental health issue.

Couples therapy might help you both understand each other better, even with a baby. There are online options available. However, I understand why others suggest leaving him. It's a tough decision.

You've got to look out for the best interest of your child. There was a case recently where a neglectful dad left his daughter in a hot car and the poor child died. Texts showed that the mum had been telling the dad many times about his negligent behavior but still trusted him with their child and it cost their daughter's life. If you don't leave this bloke, you're putting your child's life in danger. And his mum is always taking up for him; this guy's a total milk drinker and he's taking the piss at your daughter's expense.

I am afraid it sounds as though you husband has virtually no organisational skills and needs help. Parenting classes will help but he needs more than this. His mother has been negligent in not getting him diagnosed when he was younger and there is a long waiting list now but he needs to be assessed to understand the exact nature of his problem and from there get the help he needs. It is not the right thing to abandon people when they need help. You have a partner who is neurodiverse and this is a difficult time for you to discover the depths of his problem. Accept help where it does exist as you are exhausted looking after the baby, get his dad to start the ball rolling for a diagnosis. Good luck.

Can you not do a bottle without the prep machine with him as that's easy, I'm sure he can measure scoops of milk in a cooled bottle of water or in a boiling one and cool it down in a jug. Maybe get him to do gradual things like nappies then joint baths.

OP I’m so sorry to read this. And please try to ignore the “why have a baby with him” comments. They are unhelpful and from your comments, I can he also has some good qualities.

Could it be the case that he hopes if he does a bad job, you’ll just take the reins and do it all?

The other option, that he purely has no care or consideration for what he does is more of an issue as unfortunately, it seems like he’ll never change.

I would personally sit down with him in the evening (no distractions) and show him this post. Say you’ve reached breaking point and you need changes from him. If he won’t change or won’t listen to you, then maybe you’ll need to reassess your relationship.

if you did part ways, please keep in mind that if he had visitation, he would have your child on his own. Not sure if this is allowed but could you request his mum is always with him? This is very much in the future but just a thought.

I wish you all the best and hope you see some positive changes

Lets not start the typical mumsnet bs of twisting it on the OP. She clearly isn’t in the wrong and if you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’d know that you don’t really know someone properly until in a situation like this with them. She’s here for advice.

Some men are terrible with babies but good or even great with bigger kids. That could happen if Baby survives his current lousy care. You also say he helps around the house. So here are some options.
Let’s start with the premise that Baby’s safety comes first, last and always. Doesn’t matter what he says, his mother says or anyone else. You can and should keep him from being alone with her until he demonstrably changes. SHE COMES FIRST. That said, would your relationship be worth it to you if:

1. you do all the baby care, he does all the housework, car car, yard whatever until Baby is more grown up.
2. He works a second job to pay a responsible baby sitter to give you a break.
3. His mother backstops him with Baby.
4. He gets diagnosed and treated for classic ADHD. Meds can greatly improve focusing and attention.
5. you consider yourself a single mom for baby’s safety but keep him around for sex, sharing expenses etc.

Under any circumstances: your daughter comes first.

Honestly, I’d consider leaving him and moving far away. He sounds very unbothered about her so would he really make the effort to see her if it was like a 6 hour drive or something?

I’m so sorry for you. You are doing amazing. I don’t know how you’re coping. You need more help. Speak to your Mum about your situation & about her helping more for 2.5 months. Give yourself until the baby is 6 months old or so to figure out this a bit more.

You also need to speak to your husband & let him know that it’s a bit deal he endangers your child’s life and health, you are exhausted being the old parents to two children & you can’t fight anymore. Let him know that if he damages or kills the baby your marriage will be over. If he stays the same & leaves you as the sole responsible one you can see it deatroying your marriage. Your mum is helping out more for 2 months and he has this time to figure it out for himself. Let him know he might have ADHD but it’s on him to figure out how to cope with this new responsibility.

If he tries to tell you his mum says “XYZ”.. let him know you’ve been clear what you need from him & excuses from him or his mum are not it. He needs to step up or he’s ruining your marriage.

You need help. He needs to step up & figure this out. It’s fair to give him some time to save this and your marriage.

If you need, move in to your Mum’s for a while & visit him after work the 5 nights he’s free. Absolutely fair to only allow supervised visits. You’re doing this cause he’s not safe.

i acc feel your pain . i had 4 kids with my ex ex no issues at all and now 2 kids with my recent ex . he went pub took them with him drank whist in his care didnt give a hoot about routines or safety so i took a step back and stopped access till i could be proved they was safe . sounds harsh but i went years feeling like you and in the end i had to break it off for my own sanity and the kids safety. your man sounds like my ex trust me you got this on your own xx your stronger then you think xx