I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

Once again I am left pondering why yet another capable woman has decided to have a child with a lazy and incompetent man child.

Honestly i think you're just coming to realise him being a mommies boy isn't funny anymore and it's frustrating. And all that socialising? Doesn't scream neurodivergence to me , screams "I must be the centre of attention" narcissist crap , and I'm thinking when will you drop him , when he cheats? Doesn't matter what you do , or he does , his mother will always make it your fault , honestly from experience, step out, and take your child with you so your normal of it being you and them is just that . Let them talk about you , and act like he's done nothing wrong, there is no help for that type of parent unfortunately. Will be woman after woman who will have a baby with him thinking he will change then realising you were right all along after he's tried to convince them you've kept his child from him and he "loves his kids so much" and cries on their shoulder , and they also get pregnant by him . Your child is here now , they are yours , that's all that matters . People who aren't single parents have no right telling you who/how/why you shoulda/coulda/woulda when you finally make that decision. You clearly are very protective of tour baby so you'll be fine .

I haven’t read through all responses so sorry if already said, but while yes this is absolutely the behaviour of a lazy man child who’s left all the responsibility on you, I can’t help but feel this also sounds like ADHD. Forgetting his own things like locking the car and losing his phone as a result isn’t just a lazy parent..
My partner has (already diagnosed before child) adhd and it went to an EXTREME level during the stress of becoming a parent. To the point I had to end the relationship and demand that he be medicated if he wished to be involved as he was forgetting things like feeding his child etc. and I was in a similar position to yourself never being able to trust him with his child.
The priority right now is yours and your child’s well being. He needs to be willing to at least acknowledge a problem and if you can support him looking into a cause for his forgetfulness if it is true forgetting and not lazy/neglectful parenting. Have a look into ADHD with him and whether this could be the cause, there’s many apps out their aimed at adhd that he could use as reminders for the basics of caring for his child for now. For longer term look at right to choose referrals for adhd diagnosis and treatment, if it’s adhd causing this and is to this extreme he needs to accept that he needs to be medicated to stop harming his family.
Obviously this whole reply is assuming it is adhd just from my own experience, just wanted to give advice on how to handle if this is the case for you too

I'm nuerodiverse but I was never that bad at looking after our baby. He was the most precious thing in my life. He's practically 12 now and everyday he tells me I'm "the best dad ever!" I was an older dad though at 41.

If he is sooooooo irresponsible, then 1) why did you marry him; and
2) why have a baby with him?

This is deliberate, weaponized incompetence on his part- and it sounds as if this is right in line with how he was raised. His mother didn’t raise a man- she didn’t raise him to be much of anything, it seems. I suspect that his mother has spent his entire life overvaluing him for doing little-to-nothing, by the sounds of it. RUN, OP- this man-baby will NOT change… in fact, he’s been showing you all along that he has no intent on changing for you OR your daughter. It actually sounds like he’s trying to train YOU to behave how he wants: namely, taking care of everything & everyone while he focuses solely on HIMSELF and HIS wants/needs/desires. You can’t break him of this- it’s been a lifetime of being rewarded & praised for this selfish nonsense by his mother. You deserve more than this overgrown child will ever be capable of giving… Your CHILD deserves more than a careless sperm donor who willingly & continually puts her in danger. Please shore up your self worth & seek better for yourself & your baby, AWAY from this low value narcissist.

It’s not often obvious until the child is here. Before children they tend to have their partners full attention so are happy, they can usually do what they want in their own time, they are often good with other people’s children because they can pass them back. It’s only obvious they are bloody useless once their child has arrived.

gg158 - you need to address this immediately. His mother caused him to be like this so forget getting help from her.
if he is open to communicating, I would sit down formally, and assess if he can coparent effectively. If he cannot, I’m sorry, but the relationship is over. It will not get better. This is not a phase, he is showing you who he is. Joint
counselling or couples therapy might help, if you are that bothered to fix this, but the bottom line is, he was always like this but with the new baby here, he can’t hide it and you can’t ignore it.

Run. This will not get better. Sorry!

For any problem to be addressed you must look at yourself. Specifically, why did you choose to have children with this guy?
There is merit in the argument of all those in favour of dumping him but you have to ask how did you get here? If you dont crack how you allowed this boyfriend access to stuff thats really on the husband then you could be in the very same position with another man down the line.

Is he learning disabled or is this weaponised incompetence?

I think this sums up part of the problem.

Even if he is all the other things, being as selfish as this is a problem.

I feel for you.
I will pray for you.

Given those things could hurt or kill your child I wouldn’t be leaving him alone with her, and I’d be rethinking the entire relationship. Absolute joke he’s that useless

OH! You are not married? Then you are free to do much better. And you should. A few issues you list could be solved. But most are permanent behaviour characteristics of partner.

Postnatal depression on his part sounds like

Her poor little neck! I couldn't stay with someone like this, please leave if at all possible, this is beyond dangerous & stressful

He's a selfish, lazy prick & his mam can fuck off too

This is called weaponised incompetence. It’s so that he doesn’t have to do anything/think of anything/take responsibility for anything because now you worry he is putting your child in danger. He’s a lazy irresponsibility manchild. I’d be having serious words that he needs to sort himself out or he can fuck off. There’s no way i would want a life time of that. Fuck that shit. He’s giving me the ick as well.

Sorry if I sound a little bit harsh, it is not my intention but it's slightly alarming all of the stuff you mention. And this may have already been said but...

Perhaps he does have ADHD, but it does not excuse ANY of that behaviour. And it does sound as though his behaviour is enabled by his mother.
ADHD or not he should not be acting this way and that's coming from someone who's husband has it very bad and has been fighting for help since before our eldest was born. He needs to get help and now. It will only get worse as you're LO grows up.
But admittedly some of the things you mention although ADHD related sounds as though he is just using it as an excuse.
My only advice (coming from experience) find a routine that works for YOU and your LO. Write it down, write down exactly how to make bottles etc etc. there were notes all around our house when my 2 were babies to help DH stick to a routine. If he wants to make it work he will, if he doesn't then sorry but it is an excuse and he needs to grow the heck up and be a good partner and father.
It's worked for us and I have no worries about leaving children as I know although DH forgets to eat himself sometimes but he will always stick to the routine we've had in place for years for our boys and it's something that works well for us (my eldest has ADD and potential autism so it's great for him too)

Sometimes these things just aren't realised fully until there is a huge life change and the symptoms seem magnified! You can do It, it is hard and emotionally draining, but I really hope you all get he help and support needed.

Look up learned helplessness. Maybe if his mother has structured his routine and done everything for him he has got into the habit of someone else taking responsibility for what he should do.

Use a think through technique. Discuss a particular situation (ie: the car seat) and get him to tell you all of the steps needed to keep baby safe. Getting him to visualise it will help. Breaking habits is so hard but can be done. For the record, I feel for you, I would be angry at him and I'm in no way excusing his behaviour. If his mum has given him structure and made excuses for him that won't be easy to challenge and change. The weight of getting him to understand his life has changed won't be easy. Everything shouldn't fall to you just because you're mum.

Have you tried encouraging him, doing baby things with him (I bet you take over, right? ) and telling him what he is getting right rather than presenting him with a long of all the things he gets wrong when he's with the baby? That might make him feel more invested. From your post I'd guess he sounds harried, in the way of your life with your baby. It's hard adjusting to being a new mum. It's hard adjusting to being a new dad, too. Maybe harder.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this person and try to figure out how to be a Mum at the same time. It must be stressful beyond belief.

It sounds like it's not safe for your partner to be a primary carer for your baby. If she had scalded herself on one of the bottles he made, rolled off your couch and injured herself or been thrown out of her car seat (god forbid) you would have a trip to hospital and an interview with a social worker to deal with at the very least. It actually doesn't bare thinking about.

I was in a similar situation but yours sounds a lot worse. I decided the best thing was to get my baby and myself out. My ex went to his Mum's house every night during his paternity leave and left me alone to look after our baby while recovering from a C section. He went to the pub, football, snooker in the last month of my pregnancy and in the first month post partum (Amazing how they can remember all those match fixtures but can't turn on a washing machine or make a bottle!) The last straw was finding one of the baby's dummies gnawed by a rat. I called pest control and he told me I was a princess and was wasting money. He tried to cancel the pest control and his Mum backed him! These women are enabling an entire generation of useless men who are not fathers.

If you and your daughter could go and stay with your Mum for a couple of weeks it might give you some respite and him a kick up the arse. I think it will probably just show you that life would be much easier without this person.

When I left I was able to focus on caring for my baby and myself much better as I didn't have to clean up after a man child, be his secretary and put out the fires he started. I hope things get better for you. You have done great to keep your daughter safe from this idiot up to now.

If something happens to your baby you would never forgive yourself! You are taking risks with her life by leaving her with him.get rid of him!You are making a choice just make sure it’s the right one!!

We’re talking about his child. He shouldn’t need encouragement to be ‘invested’.

OP is also of course going to jump in if the alternative is baby burning their mouth because he can’t be bothered to check the bottle first.

But then how can she trust him to care for the baby during his time with her?

Is he on the spectrum at all?

You absolutely cannot change someone. If he is lazy, he will stay lazy.. by the sounds of it he sounds like he was ruined by his mother and is probably incapable. It's easy for me just to say leave him but then would you trust him to have her on his own? It's so tricky. You need to pick a time to sit down and explain exactly what you expect and equally what he expects he needs to do and together work on it. If that then fails then you have another decision to make.

So what! Who cares what people think!! Better they think shit about you and your baby is alive and well isn’t it?
You could maybe get a court order and state why and make sure he doesn’t have her unsupervised.