I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

My thoughts exactly. My first instinct was psychopathy not neurodivergence
Protect your child from this dangerous man

I think you need to go to counselling and he needs parenting classes. If he cannot adjust to having the responsibility of a child, then YOU need to put your child first.

If your child comes to harm and they end up at the hospital or worse happens then you would be investigated and possibly either have the child removed from your home or you and he go to prison and the child is removed from your home. There are a lot of people that have the responsibility of reporting neglect and if you hide it or you do nothing about it, you're going down with him.

This very serious. If he cannot get his shit together he has to go.

As far as his mother goes, she's enabling him and I suggest that's where he goes for a while so you can sort things out. He should not be in your home until he understands the severity of his errors and has accepted he cannot be a lazy turd.

Just to further add to this after seeing some of your comments if you separate under no circumstances should he have unmonitored visitation with the child which is why you need to make his actions clear when you're going through the counselling and any custody arrangements so it's well documented.

Absolute bollocks 🙄

He sounds like he may have quite severe undiagnosed ADHD. The common theme here is the inability to pay attention, even when it is really important. It might be worth him getting assessed and trying medication as it could make a big difference to his functioning. I say this as I have a family member with this condition. I would have a serious conversation with him about this, because it sounds like you really cannot carry on as you are.

Hi there
Sorry you’re going through this absolute shit show.
Reading this took me back to all the issues I had with my first husband. We had a little girl together who’s now 12 and he doesn’t see very much. He was exactly the same when she was little. Sorry to say but it gets worse. I couldn’t leave him alone with her cos I was frightened she’s come to harm. When she first started taking solids he would ram the spoon in her mouth choking her her and she’d cry. The first time he changed her nappy he was too rough when cleaning her up so I wouldn’t let him do it. Everything became an argument and was seen as me being an over protective mother and over reacting to minor things. We split up when she was 3. The first few weeks I had to let him have her over night she broke her wrist falling off the toilet as he refused to use a potty as I’d suggested. If I had my time over I’d have left much sooner. Get the hell away from him and keep your daughter safe. This is not normal and will only get worse.
I hope you find the courage to leave and wish you well.

You did not post your actual unspoken thought's which were: This guys a deadbeat, I married a deadbeat, I need to itemise what I hate about him, so I can confirm for myself and to myself I want out of this marriage and partnership, Okay what's next: After wasting 101 posters time, I walk out, he walks out, we get a divorce, I marry someone else, he marries someone else, you knew all along this was plan b, we knew all along what you were doing, deadbeat knew and knows also, have an happy life .........

I've had nearly 13 years experience as a carer where neurodivergent issues are concerned and I will say this:

People discussing ADHD here don't seem to be fully averse to what it actually is, and what it's about-and I'm seeing particular posts that are alarmingly misleading to the detriment of you and your family. People with ADHD have significant issues with a lot of things, one of those is self-awareness. It takes a lot of self-awareness for a person with ADHD to look into a mirror and go "I need help I can't keep up like this". That just wouldn't happen to a lot of people. It is also quite possible for people with ADHD to be perfectly able to parent, they just need the right support and proper diagnosis will put that support in place.

Everything that you've said about his problems with disorganisation and forgetfulness does scream Inattentive Type ADHD. However, The fact he 'started off' with lesser issues also screams long term undiagnosed ADHD. To that particular end, he needs help YESTERDAY because it sounds like the things he is forgetting can be severely problematic and without the right support, it could get worse.

He needs to see his GP, get him referred to a psychiatrist or through the right to choose you can get him signed up to Psychiatry UK or some such and he can get a diagnosis from there. Meds and/or therapy are very possible for people with ADHD but it is crucial that it is addressed sooner rather than later otherwise there could be greater issues with his health.

It is important to note, people with ADHD of any type (combined, inattentive or hyperactive) genuinely have an issue with their brain and the connectivity between neural pathways that makes things generally easier to remember, or harder to forget (take your pick), and there can be several factors involved as to why your partner ended up this way, and an assessment will bring those things to light.

He needs the support from the health service, but he absolutely needs your support to get the ball rolling and to learn to address issues.

Some links that might be helpful to you:

This one is for children and adults with ADHD.

This one is www.addiss.co.uk, which goes through a lot of things about ADHD and the support options available in the UK for people with ADHD.

The last one I have to offer is www.adhdfoundation.org.uk which would probably be your best bet. The ADHD Foundation is a UK-based charity that focuses on education, research, and support for individuals with ADHD. Their website includes detailed information about inattentive ADHD and resources for managing the condition in the UK.

I really hope things improve for you.

I totally agree. It seems the worse that women are treated. The more they want to stick around. Like they "can change" their partners behaviour. Friends Will say "they are no good for you" etc. The fear is being told when it eventually breaks down "I told you so"

You absolutely cannot change someone unless they want to change. I don't think this guy wants to change.
Also, I wonder if the father loves the child. When my daughter was born it was love at first sight and I wanted to do all I could for her.

Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same way. If I was to have children. I would cherish them, and give my all so that they could have the upbringing that I never had.

You should never have had a baby with him. Sorry, but that is the facts. You knew what he was like and yet you gave him a child he clearly cannot care for. Now you are stuck with it. This is the life you made for yourself and your child.

If you take someone to the Docs for ADHD they just given drugs. I think ADHD is easily dealt with using frequencies, subliminals and BodyTalk. Doctors are crap and never really treat a person. They give them drugs, period. Likely all the vaccines and meds giving people these conditions. But not allowed to say that right......

ADHD, the whole human race as this disorder in varying amounts, the real issue here is parental responsibility and anger control, if he cannot love and protect his own child then what chance do you have? Nil, a lot of posters mention bonding with your child, no one's mentioned the child bonding with their parents. Ask around and you will discover thousands of elderly men and women who were loving parents who never see their son or daughter!!! Every care home in the country as got residents who never have a visitor, in my wife's care home there are 36 women, only 4 regular visitors, that leaves 32 who don't. This truism absolutely shocked me.

🤣🤣🤣

Dear lord. No they aren't "just given drugs". It isn't as simple as taking the person to a doctor. The doctor has to refer the patient to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist assesses the ADHD. The patient can choose if they're given drugs or therapy or BOTH, even then a drug has to be titrated by people who then have to tell the GP to prescribe such drugs (Elvanse or whatever) in a particular quantity and amount relevant to the patient.

My DH very likely has undiagnosed ADHD (DD is diagnosed) and we had some hairy moments when our first was a newborn. Nothing as bad as yours (apart from the time he nearly gave her 10x the dose of Ranitidine). I would say it did get better but I turned into an absolute harpy and his mother hated me (still does to be fair).

The only practical thing you can do is get him diagnosed and medicated, and hope this helps. Otherwise you will need to self-refer to social services, so that when you leave him you will have the necessary support to ensure he has no contact with her unsupervised

Medication would ultimately be down to the OH getting diagnosed, unless he was simply not capable of making such a decision for himself. They will likely discuss pros and cons, if he's overweight there may be some issues with blood pressure and a the side effects from some meds can be pretty unpleasant if you're not in good form, but generally if he gets meds, it can only be a step in the right direction, if he's given therapy as well, double whammy if he can remember when his appointments are - which will come down to leaving post-its on walls and heavy reliance on calendar and alarm apps on a phone.
Nonetheless, good shout.

Yeah ADHD was crying out to me as I read the post. Get diagnosed and get medication!

🤷🏼‍♀️ I can see where you got your moniker.

Other half has ADHD tendencies (also undiagnosed, but so obvious!). When he's absorbed in anything (phone, laptop etc.) he genuinely can't pull himself away. I can be having a conversation with him and he won't know it l, but it's not intentional. He's a wonderful dad and partner, and great with his job, but very forgetful with some things and struggles to remember things or where he's put items.

We developed several coping strategies when our baby was born, to help us both manage and reduce the workload of other life stuff, so we could focus on DD more:

I write a weekly schedule of things (house/baby chores) that needed to be done, day by day, along with timings (e.g. childminding 8am-6pm).

We have a shared family calendar online which sends reminders for events - everything goes in there.

We use Trello to manage life admin. It's free and you can create 'boards' for different things (house, garden, baby etc.). You can assign people to different things, set deadlines etc. It's great for getting things 'out of your head' and into an organised area, where it won't get forgotten.

A mini whiteboard in the kitchen with a weekly schedule on - we sit on a Sunday and check the week ahead, write appointments etc. on it and also meal plan. We go through our Trello boards to see if there's anything we can prioritise that week.

If other half is in a situation where he needs to focus on her (e.g. she's eating in her highchair) he doesn't have his phone, as can't guarantee he'll be watching her.

When he's focussed on her for long periods of play or care, or doing chores, he uses earbuds with an audiobook.

If I'm tidying or doing something with DD and I want him to engage or help, I ask.

When talking to him about important things, I check he's listening and get him to repeat it to me after. Still end up repeating things lots (e.g. putting nappy bag in the boot rather than next to her, do it doesn't injure her if there's an accident).

I regularly send him videos on socials of baby safety tips - he seems to absorb them a bit better that way. He is quite anxious about DD's wellbeing so that possibly helps with him remembering or being concerned with that stuff.

It's a lot to think of and you do sometimes end up feeling like you're nagging and having to mother or instruct another adult, but the organisation stuff takes about ten minutes a week once you're in the routine and it's worth it to make things work.

He would need to be open to doing these things though, my OH initiated a lot of this as he has always used to-do lists to cope.

Strategic incompetencey. They screw it up so you won’t ask them again..

Do you have any positives?

I think perhaps you’re minimising the seriousness of this situation. What if your baby got hit by a car or burnt her mouth?
As a retired HV, I can tell you that this is a safeguarding issue. Social services etc won’t give you any slack. They could issue removal proceedings I’m afraid.
You are basically protecting this useless husband of yours, saying he loves the baby etc.
You need to get him out before there are serious repercussions. SS won’t have any sympathy for your relationship, their job is to protect the child.

Perhaps your partner has a learning difficulty like ADHD. If he is like this in his day to day life too, he could get help from his doctor.