I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

Personally I think he's a danger to your child and I would be getting rid of the lazy arse incompetent dangerous idiot before he does her serious injury.

Oh gosh I would be out of there with the baby before some serious harm happens. Sorry but the Social Care worker in me is screaming 'child protection' He is just too dangerous to be around a small child. Don't stay involved with him a moment longer or it will end badly.

Your partner is autistic.

There is no easy solution. This requires couples counselling and very strict rule setting going forward where if basic expectations are not met there are consequences.

The other side to the coin is that you have a child with this person. That is not an accident. You now need to accept that either you do everything for the child or you create circumstances where he becomes aware of the gulf between what he offers your child and what your child needs. He will then fill that gap or you will deal with the consequences. (By leaving him or by accepting that you now need to do every act of parenting).

Well you chose to have a baby with him so now look after it. If you leave or stay you'll be parenting alone.

Gotta agree...hes faking incompetence so you do it all. Had it done to me...and it's very similar.
Like someone said..u don't need another kid ie hom...get rid..its easier alone than with a gd for nothing

Is he really dim witted because he sounds like he is?

A lot of mothers have a hard time bonding with their babies too. When that happens we wouldn't dream of saying "but you're their mother!" and presenting them with a list of their failures. I can understand how a new first-time father who is having trouble with that might feel pushed out by a new, first-time mother who, understandably, is hyper-focused on the child. Doubly so since the baby has literally been a part of her, not him, for 9 months. It's a huge adjustment and if you're not made to feel a part of it...

I'm just presenting another possibility. It's easy enough from behind our keyboards to default to proclaiming, hands on hips, that he's a waster and she should leave him this very instant. Not always the right choice for any of the involved parties, nor an easy thing to do or an easy thing to live with in the longer term, if there's are other alternatives to consider.

There's more to this, it's not as simple as being lazy or trying to have you do everything, especially as he has always been that way. No one, unless they were a psychopath, would deliberately put a child in danger. Does he have learning difficulties or and ND like Autism or ADHD. I work with disabled people and not recognising danger, the emotions of others (baby crying) and difficulties learning and remembering new things is very common.
He needs to go to the GP if he doesn't already have a diagnosis. If he does have a diagnosis he needs to get in touch with Adult Social Care and look for a referral to OT. There is support to manage these things to reduce the risk. This isn't going to help you in the short term though, I'm sorry but you really shouldn't leave a young baby with him. He should have joint responsibility but when he is not capable of keeping the baby safe you can't risk it.

Congratulations on your two children.

Leave him. I never say this, but leave him. He’s a hazard to your child and does not care. Leave him, or regret not doing so when your child ends up seriously hurt or worse. I suspect it’d be less work for you to take care of your child alone. At least you wouldn’t have to worry about her sperm donor harming her.

How old is he OP?

some of this actually sounds like ADHD particularly if he’s been like this since childhood. Could his gp refer him for assessment? There are lots of signs, lack of concentration, disorganisation, carelessness, distraction in stimulating environments?

could you write instructions really simply for bottles? Pop it by your prep machine so he can see it clearly.

Those sleep pods are actually quite dangerous aswell. They only advise using them when baby is directly supervised as they have been studied to be quite dangerous in increasing the risk of SIDS (not a criticism by the way I just don’t think people realise this as they are sold so readily everywhere in the uk and people just assume they’re safe as they’d be banned if they weren’t).

It doesn’t sound like his mum is very helpful and probably enables this lack of responsibility taking.

feel for you OP with new baby and limited support at home as it’s so hard when you’re tired and need a break.

Looks like this "man" has no room in his life for a child, even his own. By the sounds of things, his mother has done everything for him in the past so there's zero chance he wants to "learn" how to look after his own child. Too much of a child himself. Let's face it NOBODY is THAT thick - unless he has learning problems which I seriously doubt.

Sorry but I'd boot him into touch. If you can't trust the baby's father to keep her safe, it's time to go. Apologies for asking but was your baby planned?

Hope things work out for you but for the sake of your child please do right by HER!

How many of those mothers would almost burn their babies and not then reach out for help or at least feel incredibly guilty?

I’d be hyper focused in OP’s situation too. She doesn’t have 1 kid, she has 2.

ADHD?

I was thinking ADHD too - it doesn’t matter, your baby needs to be kept safe. His Mum isn’t helping and I wouldn’t trust her not to leave him in sole charge.

Op you’re identified the issues yourself well and you are absolutely right in that if you were to separate she would then be spending time alone with him, unless you stipulated his mother support him.
The reality for you is that you can’t leave him to be a primary carer for your DC until
she is much older - school age. You’ve got family support so strain would not be to bad and just accept that’s the way your parenting relationship works- I have friends who make arrangements with their mums to have the kids when they want to go out rather than leave them with the dad. It’s not great but it’s better than you feeling stressed all the time or something really serious happens because of poor supervision. I don’t think this is because he’s a lazy dad I actually think he’s not competent and that’s a far more serious issue. If you know that yourself - your first post is v concerning- most dads - even disinterested ones - can manage the basics of safety - then the bottom line is you have to be responsible for her safety and make the overall decisions and not leave her with him for any long periods of time. Babies roll off sofa or beds and end up at hospital with fractures all the time in situations like this and the fall out would be huge for you- she could be taken from your care. They drown in baths because their carer pops out of the room for a minute to grab something or the suffocate as they get caught up in something left in the cot. Your situation sounds so disappointing as it’s all on you but trust your instincts xx

Is he willing to try to improve?

Step by step instructions by the prep machine

Note on the steering wheel- check babies seatbelt

Bedtime checklist- change nappy, remove bib etc

Hourly reminder on phone to check nappy

If this is genuinely something like adhd maybe he needs strategies to manage. He should want to try for his baby even if his risk taking radar is low.

Also he could go for adhd assessment and could try medication to calm his mind.

I'm reading this like "This is our first baby and he's the only one not allowed to make mistakes".

I think you're being paranoid. You're not a perfect parent, love. Nobody is.

I'm on the spectrum and if anything I was hyper focused on my babies.

OP isn’t expecting him to be perfect. Remembering to change your baby’s nappy is basic, as is checking the temp of the bottle before you give it to baby.

Apologies, didn't realise you'd never made a basic mistake :) Little Miss Perfect over here whose immediately an expert in every single endeavour lol

Question is, if he's such an unsuitable parent, why on earth did someone have a child with him?

You essentially have two babies. I would ditch the biggest one if I were you.

He hasn’t just made a mistake though, has he?

He is doing it over and over and over again. From the sounds of it, without even feeling any guilt or acknowledging that he needs to be more careful.

He really is not a fit person to be left in sole charge of a baby. He's not functioning as a father.
If he is honestly incapable of learning, I'd be seriously worried.
I think it's time to seek help and get to the bottom of the problem. It is not going to go away on its own.
The current situation is fair neither to yourself nor your daughter.
If, sadly your relationship breaks down & you split up, you'd be concerned about the time DD spent with him when he had custody
The answer to that may well be that if all you know is thoroughly explained, he may only be permitted supervised contact until he could demonstrate his ability to care for DD responsibly.
I sincerely hope you can resolve this sad situation.

You have taught your young adult son coping strategies. It sounds as though MiL didn’t think things through. OP, if your partner had a diagnosis - not easy to come by - he could get apps such as Brain in Hand paid for by Access to Work and go on specialist parenting courses, but at the moment you’re essentially a single parent with extra income from your partner’s employment. I have several family members who are neurodivergent and if anything they are hypervigilant around babies and young children despite losing keys, forgetting to lock doors, needing visual reminders of important dates and so on. You must be exhausted.

Hmmmmm. MN sees autism and ADHD everywhere! Not saying he’s not but he might just be useless and uncaring.

I would honestly give him an ultimatum. Shape up or you and baby are off.

FWIW my partner is ADHD (diagnosed). He’s disorganised at times but was ALWAYS switched on around the kids. This is because he knew he had to be and we found a way to make it work. Your bloke just seems like he doesn’t care tbh.