Splurge on nursery or save for later??

[Sundaysunshine21]

Baby will need to go to nursery full time 7am-7pm from 9 months. Would love for this to be different, but the mortgage won’t pay itself.

Viewed lots of nurseries, only really liked one. Unfortunately, the preferred nursery is very expensive. There is a difference of c.£500 per month between it and the second choice.

Could just about afford the preferred nursery, but it would be a stretch. Fees will increase annually.

Are early years so vital, and baby will spend so much time there, that it’s worth paying extra for the nursery? Should the money be saved in case baby needs tutoring/has additional needs/takes up an expensive hobbit etc. later on?

Really stuck, any thoughts welcome!

I feel like people are getting a bit hysterical here? You're putting words in my mouth because it's an emotional subject.
Breast is best but yes, sometimes people can't or don't want to breastfeed. You present the facts to people and then they make a decision?
I've told you about my, perhaps anecdotal, experience of nurseries and you can make a decision based on that. I've not based you for sending your child to nursery.

There are decisions you make in a dream world and there are decisions you make when you need to put food on the table.

My mum went back to work when my sister was 5 weeks old. She only got 6 weeks maternity leave and my sister came a week late. Money was tight and they couldn't afford childcare so my dad worked days and my mum worked evenings and saw each other for minutes as they crossed on the drive. When she was 2 and I was 6 until 7 and 11 my dad started working out of the UK as it paid more. He was away for 2 weeks -4months at a time. Communicating with him was via fax and the occasional phone calls. In a 12 months period he was home 2 months in total in 1-2 week chunks. There absolutely was no question that he wasn't dad. Although my sister was older than the OPs child but at the same time months is a hell of a lot longer than 10h!

My daughter has been in nursery since 9 months. Since starting at her current nursery her key worker has been the same person for 2y as she has happened to move up the rooms with my daughters group. We went into hospital when my daughter was 10 months old and she didn't see my partner for 4 days some weeks she absolutely knew he was dad. She didn't see her paternal grandparents for 4-6 weeks at a time she still knew them as family. She is well looked after and cared for my nursery staff but if she's poorly it's me she wants not them. Every time. They are like family but they aren't parent figures. More like aunts and uncles there for the fun times and maybe the bruised knees but every else that needs cuddles they don't come close to parents and grandparents.

I don’t agree with what that poster is saying, but it is worth pointing out that a school age child is different from a pre school age child is different from a toddler is different from a 9 month old.

As children get older the benefits of being in group settings with peers increase. 9 month olds do not benefit from being around other 9 month olds and having to wait to have their needs met because the other 2 9 month olds have done a poo or started crying first. A 2.5 year old by contrast does benefit from learning from their peers, following adult instructions, and starting to appreciate turn taking, sharing etc.

This also shouldn’t be a debate about nursery vs giving up work. For a very small baby there are other options.

@PrettyPines suggesting that mothers' babies will be scared of them at the weekend isn't anecdote or experience, it's straight up ridiculous scaremongering.

Posting it on a thread about a single mother returning to work after maternity leave in order to give her child some financial security is just plain mean.

You're helping no one here, have a word with yourself.

My DC had one key worker for each room, so one baby one, one toddler one and one for the preschool room. They bonded well with all 3. The staffing was so consistent that my ds who is 5 years younger had the same 3 key workers as my DD. They babysit for us still and the nursery is attached to their school so most mornings we see at least one of these caring lovely women.

My in-laws offered to do all my childcare but I chose nursery because I knew that DC would have been plonked in front of cbeebies on loop and given chicken nuggets all day.

I'm sure not all nurseries are the same and I'm sure not all grandparents are the same or childminders or nannies or SAHPs for that matter.

You said the baby would be scared of the parents at the weekend as they were not its primary carer.

You can’t spend 2.5 years out of work and keep your job.

A 9 month old with a sibling might not immediately have their needs met because the other child has come first.

I don’t really see the value in making mothers feel guilty about using childcare when they have little option anyway to keep a roof over their head - and, the children largely seem to enjoy it. My nine month old would enjoy watching other children, if not yet able to play with them.

What do you propose parents do between 9 months and 2.5 years, if they can’t use childcare? What are the other options, given OP has already said she can’t reduce her hours, there are no childminders locally, and a nanny is too expensive?

I said very clearly in my message that this wasn’t about giving up work - of course that’s not realistic for most people.

I think most parents would accept that juggling the needs of triplets (the situation in a nursery) would be many times more difficult than managing the needs of different aged siblings (as would happen in a home or childminder scenario). It’s not really comparable. And definitely not ideal for a baby.

OP hasn’t (as far as I can tell) said what her budget is for childcare/cost of nursery, so it’s difficult to say whether she is right about the cost of a nanny. Also unclear whether she has explored nanny shares or nanny with their own child, which brings the cost down.

@harrietm87 I like OP live somewhere we lack childminders (housing costs are high) and so looked at nanny vs nursery. I actually had a nanny for some time.

A nursery place costs £1900-2100 a month (depending on setting).

A nanny cost about £3.5-4k a month once all taxes, pension etc were accounted for.

So the nursery is vastly more affordable.

I can’t see how a nanny can be more affordable than a nursery for a single child, if working full time, even at minimum wage + no NI/pension.

@MidnightPatrol without actual numbers it’s just pure speculation.

I live in zone 2/3 borders in London. Nursery here is £2500/month full time (8-6 - OP wants 7-7 so may be more than this).

My nanny share was c.£1750 per month for 4 days; my full time nanny was c.£3000 per month but she did shorter days on the days I worked from home. Even if a nanny is more expensive (the fact OP can spend an extra £500/month suggests she’s got some flex in her finances) there are other benefits to having a nanny that OP may decide are worth it - eg no pick up/drop off, more flexibility on additional hours, sickness cover, not to mention the fact that it’s a nicer experience for her baby having 1-1 care.

OP has said that she needs the 7-7 because of unpredictable hours - with a nanny she could arrange core hours of say 8-6 with optional overtime, which would reduce the cost and again wouldn’t be possible in a nursery.

I work really long and unpredictable hours (though fortunately do have a partner) and the flexibility of a nanny has been invaluable and for me worth paying for, even though it meant my savings took a hit for a few years.

Scared was perhaps the wrong word. I do think a nine month old who is used to being in one setting, with a specific person all of their waking hours would feel uncomfortable with someone else at the weekends.
The op has stated they live in an area that prices out childminders so potentially moving to a cheaper area could help. My point is that children need their parents and it's sad she'll only see them at the weekend.

I don’t want our baby to feel uncomfortable around DH at the weekends. I’m going to tell him he needs to submit his resignation at work. Thank you for the advice x

Are you 8, your reading comprehension suggests so.

She won't only see her baby at the weekend.

The baby will know where home is, and who it's mother is.

Children do need their parents. This baby will have their mother. They also need their parents to put a roof over their head and food on the table.

Take a step back and remember there are real women reading your posts, who are struggling with the thoughts of going back to work after having a baby. It's fine for me, I can look at my two healthy, happy, confident children and know that you're both wrong and stirring, but a woman worrying about leaving her baby may not.

No, I’m just pointing out the utter nonsense you’re putting in your posts 😂

Like saying how babies will be ‘scared’ and ‘uncomfortable’ with their parents at the weekends if they haven’t been cared for by that parent during the week.

Honestly, give your head a wobble.

Is he there more than he’s with your DH? If so then is he scared of him?

There's obviously nothing wrong with nursery but it's a lot of hours for a baby.
No obviously a baby is not scared of their father, but usually there's a preference to be around their primary caregiver at that age. Also, they would be used to the setting and their primary caregiver would be there. It's obviously a totally different situation to being at nursery and then being at home for such a small amount of time. Also, going from being with your mother 24/7 to suddenly spending 12 hours a day in a nursery is going to be a big shock for a baby and yes, will be uncomfortable.
You wouldn't send your baby for 12 hours a day to an absent father who hadn't seen them for nine months.
I feel for the OP but it doesn't help her to pretend it's okay to never see your baby. In fact, she's already said she's going to look into other options.
I understand it's an emotional subject but it's a shame you all had to react so emotionally and not think about the actual child involved.

@SouthLondonMum22 you know this is a goady answer. You also know it's a false equivalence.

I have twins. Sometimes one has to wait, no different than nursery.

Same with DC’s who aren’t only children.

Could you ask around neighbours etc to get in touch with a parent from each nursery? I think it can be quite hard to judge on just visiting a nursery and a parent will give you the good and bad. In my experience a good nursery is only as good as it’s current manager. Personally I’d prioritise convenience from home, as the closer you are the more time you’ll get with your child, and also outdoor space, not as important now but will become more important. It’s a tough decision choosing somewhere to entrust your baby to, good luck!

Aye we wouldn't want to be goady, would we. 🤣🤣🤣

Also for what it’s worth, don’t feel bad, there are plenty of people in the same boat with absolutely lovely children who they have a great relationship with that have spent long days in nursery. You may find in time your role changes, or something else comes up that you can cut hours etc but you can only work with the situation you’re in now.

Nursery settings can be great, children learn to share, to take turns etc and end up so well prepared for school.

The ratio is 3 babies:1 adult in a nursery, so it’s triplets, not twins.

I posted this earlier but I don’t think any parent would say that having 3 children of different ages is just as hard as having triplets.

As a twin mum I’m sure you know how hard it is with 2 babies and can imagine how much harder it might be, and the impact on the babies, with a 3rd in the mix (my siblings are twins so I have some idea).

Yes mothers of multiples cope because they have to but few would actively choose it. Maybe OP has no other option but that’s not completely clear from her posts.

I dunno @harrietm87 . I think I'd rather triplets the same age than the competing needs of babies and toddlers.

Ok sure. Come back when you’ve actually done it!

My mum used to get this kind of crap all the time from people - “oh yeah I know just what it’s like having twins because I have 2 kids…”…newsflash, you really don’t.

And I imagine triplets is a whole other ballpark.