Splurge on nursery or save for later??

[Sundaysunshine21]

Baby will need to go to nursery full time 7am-7pm from 9 months. Would love for this to be different, but the mortgage won’t pay itself.

Viewed lots of nurseries, only really liked one. Unfortunately, the preferred nursery is very expensive. There is a difference of c.£500 per month between it and the second choice.

Could just about afford the preferred nursery, but it would be a stretch. Fees will increase annually.

Are early years so vital, and baby will spend so much time there, that it’s worth paying extra for the nursery? Should the money be saved in case baby needs tutoring/has additional needs/takes up an expensive hobbit etc. later on?

Really stuck, any thoughts welcome!

@Scirocco I think nursery is great for 2+. A baby doesn’t need socialising or extra curricular activities. And in any event a good nanny can take them to baby classes and meet up with other babies if that’s what you wish.

A good nanny becomes part of the family, not an effective stranger. If you don’t back yourself or an agency to pick a good, trustworthy, reliable one then that’s another matter entirely. Same thing with healthcare or security or whatever.

weve had our nanny for 5 years and she knows every in and out of our kids lives. She is like a family member. No nursery staff member can offer that.

I have the evidence with my DT’s that nursery had zero negatives on them in later life nor the majority of their friends who also started full time nursery at six months.

No, you don’t have any evidence at all, because you have no idea what would have happened had they been at home with you.

Anecdotes from parents who don’t want to feel guilty mean nothing when compared with professional research.

Two of DT’s nursery staff became our babysitters and friends. Nearly 20 years later we still class them as good friends and meet up when we are in the UK. DH gave away one of their daughters at her wedding as she said he was the best substitute for her father who died just before the wedding. Nursery staff are equally as good as a nanny

Thankfully I don’t suffer from guilt for the decisions we made around our parenting as we have happy and healthy young adults. I would have hated being a SAHP as would DH - we got the best of both worlds - continued with our careers and loved having DT’s.

How are they have to suffered developmentally?

There’s lots of research of the neural pathways that are missed because of a lack of parental input, particularly when in childcare for prolonged periods at an early age.

Of the options available to us, DC's nursery was the best for us and it sounds like your nanny was the best for you. I just don't think it's right to suggest a nanny is always the best option. We met several potential candidates and discounted them for various reasons, but really like the nursery staff where we're at. If we hadn't found this nursery, either DH or I would have taken a career break rather than use the nannying or childminding options in our area.

Not seen any evidence in DT’s, their friends or cousins who went to full time nursery under the age of one.
DT’s are trilingual, both have first class degrees and played sport throughout school and Uni at a high level. No issues in hitting developmental targets when they were little. They are happy and healthy which is the most important aspect.

I would love to see how studies managed to establish causation between the types of childcare and neuronal pathways. If you have links to share, I'd love to read these studies.

My DC started nursery at 3 months. I currently have 3 under 2 at FT nursery which is more expensive than using a nanny but we decided that nursery is our best option.

DH and I largely work from home and would find it distracting to have them and a nanny at home whilst trying to work
We didn't like the idea of one person alone with our DC, we like that nursery always has multiple adults
We felt like nursery was more reliable, we don't have to negotiate time off and nursery is always open, even if a keyworker is ill.

I've never seen any such research.

Regardless, it's not a case of not wanting to feel guilt, I just don't. Some babies struggle at nursery which makes things harder but ours didn't (second in particular was a covid baby and was desperate to get out into the world and interact with more people). I wouldn't go so far as to say it gave them advantages at that age, but I don't think it harmed them in any way either. I do believe it was actively good for them from about two, or maybe a little before that.

I've never seen any research that implies children raised in a loving, stable, financially secure home will suffer because of any childcare decisions tbh.

We're meeting up with their lovely keyworker from the baby room (both babies a couple of years apart) in a couple of weeks - she's on maternity leave but wants to see the DC. She's a true friend - she cried when she first saw DC1 in her school uniform . I've become very close with one of the mums I met at nursery. DC1 is at school with kids she's known from the baby room and it'll be the same for DC2. We have no family nearby and nursery has been our village, happening upon them on a pram walk with my first newborn is truly one of the best things that have happened to our family.

I imagine our children would also have thrived with a nanny, and perhaps in different ways, but you will never convince me they have suffered for their time there.

Exactly.

At a good nursery, staff aren't strangers at all. DS's previous keyworker is now my DT's keyworker in the baby room and he is also our babysitter and good friend.

A lot of judgement on here by mums Sadly

What would nursery cost op for 5 days a week 7-7

Then add on £500

Obv depends on your area but I would be very surprised that there are no nannies about or cms

Once have 2 children a nanny is def a cost to think about

You can have a nwoc. That would keep costs down

Prob with nurseries is that most children get every bug cough sickness going when they start and will mean days off

Is there a dad about ? Can you do compromed hours so one drops off and other goes to work early. They then pick up and the dropped off stays at work late. z

OP I’m sorry your thread has gotten a bit of track. To help answer your question it might be best to work out the costs over the next few years, taking into account tax free childcare, when the free hours kick in and the lower fee levels for older children. So you might have a year or so where the expensive nursery is a real struggle, but then things gradually ease off and you can start saving again (unless you have another while first is still in nursery, but maybe fall off that bridge when you come to it!)

Also worth priorisiting location - if you are working long hours then an extra ten minutes on the journey to pickup is going to feel like a big deal. That’s what I ended up paying more for and I really feel it’s worth it.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It is really sad to see so many mothers tearing down other mothers for their choices.

The overwhelming majority of people are doing what they honestly believe is in the best interests of their child. For most families, this involves some compromise, and what that is is personal choice. I always wanted my children to have significant financial stability, as it wasn’t something I always had growing up and I really felt it from university onwards.

I don’t have family nearby (and if they were to do any childcare they would charge me market rate for a nanny anyway), I don’t have a partner involved.

I do not claim to be an expert, but we cannot hide from the fact that money does matter in terms of future life and health prospects for children - see studies done by the Sutton Trust as an example. I am not disputing that there are also studies showing that it is optimal for a very young child to be cared for by a parent (I have not read these, but it seems right from a common sense perspective). It’s a catch 22.

This thread has really made me think, and I am looking into career change options. I am hoping there can be a middle ground as my current career does not allow for part time/compressed hours. In the meantime, I’ll probably go for the more expensive nursery.

I accept what you are saying about financial stability. But I think most posters tearing you down are doing so because it's a very young baby. Most mothers can make changes for a couple of years and then once they are at school have that full time career. They really arnt little for long. They go to school at four in the uk so a few years of cutting back at work and making the money stretch would be greatly beneficial for the child.

Most mothers can make changes for a few years because they tend to be the lower earners and they also can rely on their DH not seeing their DC’s much during the week (apparently it’s ok for men) bringing in the majority of the money.

It’s a completely different situation when OP is solely responsible for providing financially. She is wise to keep her career going because a childhood in poverty isn’t good for children either.

Can't you or your partner reduce your hours until your baby is 2 or 3?

You can make money later, this time in crucial in their development

You say you can't afford it but then you're looking at £500 difference between nurseries which seems huge to me.

I was sent to a childminder from 6 weeks old full time and nursery from around 18 months. My mother was on her own so I don't see that she had much of a choice unless she went on social. I would rather be poorer and with my kids when they are young and really need me, in fact I am.

Sorry I just saw you don't have a partner involved. Similar to my own mother's situation then.

Mothers, not fathers. Always the way.

@ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot I have two DC with a two year age gap, i.e. a small family with the preschool years condensed into a pretty tight timeframe. It will still be 7.5 years from my eldest being born to my youngest starting school (at age 5y 2m, not all children in the UK start at 4). Not many careers can take that kind of hit.

OP, I'd go back to work and see how you go. With no partner I think you're very wise to prioritise financial security. Chat to your work and utilise any flexibility you can - when your baby is a little older and you're getting sleep, you may find it works well to finish early for an earlier pickup and then do some work in the evening if it's possible in your job. WFH is also a big help in terms of cutting the commute and allowing you to keep on top of the laundry etc.

I've also just done my job while the kids have been little rather than doing all the extras you need for promotion. I'll start picking those bits up again now they're a little older and I'm not feeling as stretched. Work doesn't need to look exactly the same as before.

It's hard working FT with little kids, I find it hard enough with a fully involved DH, so be kind to yourself and outsource as much as you can.

Most single mums I know with no support from ex partner have had to give up work. It’s been awful for their mental health.

Ah the choice between being judged for being a working mother or being judged for being a single mother on benefits. Who'd be a woman.

Sorry you are doing this on your own and no family about to help even if for a few hours /break at weekend

It's hard being a one and only parent but def worth it

Could you afford a live in nanny. These are usually cheaper then a live out

Or get a newly qualified one so paying nmw ish

My first nanny job over 30yrs ago told me bluntly but nicely that they chose me as they wanted a more exp nanny but couldn't afford them

I was. A bit oh. Wow. Ok but I took the job

They were a great family and I was with them 2yrs till they moved hours away - I'm still in touch with them now and the 4mth and 5yr are now 33 and 38 and both mums

Anyway I regress

Due to this family I got the experience with a baby after I left college and then got a wonderful ref and few years later i got the pick of jobs

And now can ask for more money a day then I used to earn in 2weeks of working

What is your budget for childcare ?