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Original poster

Splurge on nursery or save for later??

186 replies

Sundaysunshine21 · 03/08/2024 21:48

Baby will need to go to nursery full time 7am-7pm from 9 months. Would love for this to be different, but the mortgage won’t pay itself.

Viewed lots of nurseries, only really liked one. Unfortunately, the preferred nursery is very expensive. There is a difference of c.£500 per month between it and the second choice.

Could just about afford the preferred nursery, but it would be a stretch. Fees will increase annually.

Are early years so vital, and baby will spend so much time there, that it’s worth paying extra for the nursery? Should the money be saved in case baby needs tutoring/has additional needs/takes up an expensive hobbit etc. later on?

Really stuck, any thoughts welcome!

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Lavender14 · 04/08/2024 18:56

MoosesOnGooses · 04/08/2024 12:46

There’s lots of research of the neural pathways that are missed because of a lack of parental input, particularly when in childcare for prolonged periods at an early age.

Show quote history

As someone who has worked extensively in early childhood development, this doesn't seem factual and there are so many, many factors that will go into that. Being at home all day with a caregiver who is unattached/neglectful is harmful to neural pathways. Not all parents want or feel able to be at home all day with their child. I've worked with many families who have been sahp where nursery would have been beneficial for the child and enabled the parent to be more responsive having had a break. Lack of quality parental input is harmful if its the norm and if a child is in an environment where their needs are not being met. A child who has a healthy secure attachment to their parents, who spends some time with their parents daily and at the weekend and who has all their needs consistently met in a suitable safe alternative with a familiar routine are not at a disadvantage. Have you got any links to this research because I'd be interested to read it.

Sausagedog101 · 04/08/2024 19:42

I am flabbergasted reading some of the replies on this thread. I thought Mumsnet was about supporting people, not making them feel terrible for their choices!

Op - when you read through the thread, just remember, people's responses say more about them and how they are feeling than they do about you. People who respond in such an angry fashion are most likely bitter and uncertain about their own situation and choices. Take no notice!

Your baby will be absolutely fine, OP. Go with your gut feel would be my advice. And do it all without any guilt.

Sausagedog101 · 04/08/2024 19:49

Also OP, if your career makes you happy and fulfilled, don't have a career change. You need to be happy to be the best parent you can be.

A slightly resentful parent who has given up a career they love (even if they around more) would do far more damage to their children in the long term. Your emotional cup would not be full and this would impact on the quality of your parenting. You need to be happy with what you decide to do.

As long as you are happy and you enjoy and make the most of the time you do have, then there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Please ignore the negativity on this thread.

Many think being around more automatically makes you a better parent. This is not the case! I have seen plenty of disengaged mums at softplay who barely interact with their children. Please, ignore.

Being around more does not make you a better parent.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families
SouthLondonMum22 · 04/08/2024 20:00

Sausagedog101 · 04/08/2024 19:49

Also OP, if your career makes you happy and fulfilled, don't have a career change. You need to be happy to be the best parent you can be.

A slightly resentful parent who has given up a career they love (even if they around more) would do far more damage to their children in the long term. Your emotional cup would not be full and this would impact on the quality of your parenting. You need to be happy with what you decide to do.

As long as you are happy and you enjoy and make the most of the time you do have, then there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Please ignore the negativity on this thread.

Many think being around more automatically makes you a better parent. This is not the case! I have seen plenty of disengaged mums at softplay who barely interact with their children. Please, ignore.

Being around more does not make you a better parent.

Exactly.

I'd be miserable as a SAHM and resentful giving up the career I've worked hard for and love to switch to a more 'family friendly' role. Especially as men aren't expected to do the same, they are allowed their 'big jobs' with little to no judgement.

Having a miserable, unfulfilled mother at home isn't the best thing for a child. Neither is having a resentful mother who might be at home more but is clearly unhappy and stressing about finances more.

JumpinJellyfish · 04/08/2024 20:34

Sundaysunshine21 · 04/08/2024 15:16

Thanks for the replies everyone. It is really sad to see so many mothers tearing down other mothers for their choices.

The overwhelming majority of people are doing what they honestly believe is in the best interests of their child. For most families, this involves some compromise, and what that is is personal choice. I always wanted my children to have significant financial stability, as it wasn’t something I always had growing up and I really felt it from university onwards.

I don’t have family nearby (and if they were to do any childcare they would charge me market rate for a nanny anyway), I don’t have a partner involved.

I do not claim to be an expert, but we cannot hide from the fact that money does matter in terms of future life and health prospects for children - see studies done by the Sutton Trust as an example. I am not disputing that there are also studies showing that it is optimal for a very young child to be cared for by a parent (I have not read these, but it seems right from a common sense perspective). It’s a catch 22.

This thread has really made me think, and I am looking into career change options. I am hoping there can be a middle ground as my current career does not allow for part time/compressed hours. In the meantime, I’ll probably go for the more expensive nursery.

OP I agree financial stability is really important - that’s why I work full
time and have done since returning to work after mat leave. I have been lucky though that my partner is the lower earner and he was happy to do a day of childcare so we only had 4 days to worry about. It must be really hard going it alone.

My point though is that you don’t seem to have properly explored non-nursery options. You’ve said that you can’t afford a nanny but haven’t said how much the nursery is costing you. You haven’t said whether you’ve tried to find a nanny share or nanny with own child or a childminder.

All of these options would give you more flexibility if your child is sick, or you need to stay at work late or your train breaks down. And it would be better for your baby to be in a home environment as well.

It sounds like you are a high earner and likely have savings. In my view, rather than taking a drastic step of changing career, it would be worth exploring more flexible childcare options and perhaps having your savings take a hit if need be for maybe 12-18 months. Once your child is 2-2.5 and starting to play with other kids more, nursery has lots of actual benefits.

JumpinJellyfish · 04/08/2024 20:42

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/08/2024 13:19

My DC started nursery at 3 months. I currently have 3 under 2 at FT nursery which is more expensive than using a nanny but we decided that nursery is our best option.

DH and I largely work from home and would find it distracting to have them and a nanny at home whilst trying to work
We didn't like the idea of one person alone with our DC, we like that nursery always has multiple adults
We felt like nursery was more reliable, we don't have to negotiate time off and nursery is always open, even if a keyworker is ill.

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On the illness front, kids are sick so much more than adults. My nanny has had 2 sick days in 5 years whereas my kids have had approximately 500 sick days in that time (only a slight exaggeration…). They also catch a lot more illnesses in nursery, and once they get something the nurseries usually have set exclusion periods, even when the child is better. It’s worth OP knowing this if she doesn’t have a partner to share the multiple sick days with.

The other benefits you mention are about your convenience, not your children’s.

PrettyPines · 04/08/2024 20:49

It's probably not as important for baby to grow up in an area with expensive houses as it is to have a secure attachment to a primary caregiver.
Even if the nursery could give your baby the same caregiver everyday they'll surely bond with them instead of you and be scared with you at home on the weekends?
I hear what you're saying about your career but if you live in an area where there are no childminders apparently due to the price, I wonder if you've thought about moving?
Nine months is so small, she needs a bond with a primary caregiver. The trauma on your poor child.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/08/2024 20:52

JumpinJellyfish · 04/08/2024 20:42

On the illness front, kids are sick so much more than adults. My nanny has had 2 sick days in 5 years whereas my kids have had approximately 500 sick days in that time (only a slight exaggeration…). They also catch a lot more illnesses in nursery, and once they get something the nurseries usually have set exclusion periods, even when the child is better. It’s worth OP knowing this if she doesn’t have a partner to share the multiple sick days with.

The other benefits you mention are about your convenience, not your children’s.

Edited
Show quote history

We've been lucky so far, nothing major from nursery other than the usual coughs and colds. DS had the chicken pox vaccination when he turned 1 and we'll do the same when DT's turn 1 which might be something OP should look into too since it could mean a significant time away from work if her DC caught it.

I don't see how it would benefit my DC's to be at home whilst DH and I are also trying to work. I'm not sure that a nanny would like the setup either.

Parker231 · 04/08/2024 20:54

PrettyPines · 04/08/2024 20:49

It's probably not as important for baby to grow up in an area with expensive houses as it is to have a secure attachment to a primary caregiver.
Even if the nursery could give your baby the same caregiver everyday they'll surely bond with them instead of you and be scared with you at home on the weekends?
I hear what you're saying about your career but if you live in an area where there are no childminders apparently due to the price, I wonder if you've thought about moving?
Nine months is so small, she needs a bond with a primary caregiver. The trauma on your poor child.

Over the top! Babies are not traumatised by going to nursery. Babies who go to nursery are not scared of their parents at the weekend! Babies who go to nursery have a secure attachment to their parents.

WickieRoy · 04/08/2024 20:59

Even if the nursery could give your baby the same caregiver everyday they'll surely bond with them instead of you and be scared with you at home on the weekends?

How ridiculously offence. Babies know who their parents are. They can also be happy and settled at nursery with other adults they get to know.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/08/2024 21:02

PrettyPines · 04/08/2024 20:49

It's probably not as important for baby to grow up in an area with expensive houses as it is to have a secure attachment to a primary caregiver.
Even if the nursery could give your baby the same caregiver everyday they'll surely bond with them instead of you and be scared with you at home on the weekends?
I hear what you're saying about your career but if you live in an area where there are no childminders apparently due to the price, I wonder if you've thought about moving?
Nine months is so small, she needs a bond with a primary caregiver. The trauma on your poor child.

Are babies scared of their fathers at weekends? Or does it only apply if the mother works too?

burgundymug · 04/08/2024 21:20

Even if the nursery could give your baby the same caregiver everyday they'll surely bond with them instead of you and be scared with you at home on the weekends?

Shit @PrettyPines, do you think my baby is going to be scared of my DH? He is out of the house 7:30-5:30 Monday to Friday - he is only able to take two weeks' paternity leave. I am so worried now. Our baby is going to be scared of him! Why have none of my girl friends warned me this would happen?

Wantavespa · 04/08/2024 21:27

Nursery is bad because it's not a secure home environment and your baby won't have a bond with anyone.

Nursery is bad because the bond they form will be too strong.

You shouldn't use nursery because your child will miss you too much and their brain will explode

You shouldn't use nursery because your child won't miss you, they will be scared of you and try and murder you in the night with their Sophie the giraffe.

Timeforanewname2014 · 04/08/2024 21:40

I was lucky enough to work one day a week, with family childcare when my DC were small.
I vividly remember a conversation with a friend when our eldest were about 8 and both having problems at school. She said that she thought her child was struggling because she (mum) had worked too much when she was small. To which my reply (and honest worry) was that I thought my child was struggling because I hadn't worked enough / left her enough when she was small. So whatever you do, mum guilt will probably make it feel like the wrong decision anyway (even though it isn't!!)

Miaowm · 04/08/2024 21:49

I would say splurge on the nursery, you have to pick one you are completely comfortable with.
It will save a lot of stress on the long teem

Lavender14 · 04/08/2024 21:55

"Even if the nursery could give your baby the same caregiver everyday they'll surely bond with them instead of you and be scared with you at home on the weekends?"

@PrettyPines Please tell me this is sarcasm? Do you really think that after 9 months a baby wouldn't know who their primary caregiver is? A primary carer attachment is established within a couple of weeks of birth. It's why removal at birth is so traumatic for children. This is utter utter nonsense.

This thread is both depressing in terms of the level of mum shaming happening and concerning in terms of the massive misplaced pressure some people seem to be living under.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/08/2024 23:06

@PrettyPines wow. Just wow. Saying that children will be scared of their parents at weekends is in full time childcare

Words fail me

Do I take it you are a sahm? Or do you work and omg put your darlings into care

2AND2GC · 04/08/2024 23:37

Lavender14 · 03/08/2024 22:04

And also wow at the comments - some people aren't comfortable using childminders or nannies. And many, many parents don't have the option of dropping hours or coming out of work. Ds has been in nursery 10hrs a day 5 days a week since 10 months op, he settled in quickly and he LOVES it. He loves the staff and he's learnt so much. I personally prefer the idea that a number of people are watching him with safeguarding measures in place rather than one person.

I'm afraid I feel this way too, Many sets of eyes and ears feels safer to me than just one person.

PrettyPines · 05/08/2024 07:56

Simply, the child will spend more awake hours at nursery than with their parent. Not sure why it's a controversial take to think this will be confusing for the child and that they could bond with that person more than their parent. Look up attachment in children of that age. It's a real shame feelings are more important than pointing out this could be damaging to a baby.
I have two friends who work in highly regarded nurseries and they are constantly out of ratio or there isn't a first aid person in. They don't pay the people who work in nurseries well and so it doesn't tend to be a career for them. They tell the parents that the child will have one key worker to bond with but this is rarely the case. Obviously I'm aware this is anecdotal but both of these nurseries are ofsted 'outstanding' and very highly regarded / expensive.

PrettyPines · 05/08/2024 07:58

I'm not a SAHM. My 13 month old goes to childcare, he just isn't there more than he's with me.

MidnightPatrol · 05/08/2024 08:37

PrettyPines · 05/08/2024 07:56

Simply, the child will spend more awake hours at nursery than with their parent. Not sure why it's a controversial take to think this will be confusing for the child and that they could bond with that person more than their parent. Look up attachment in children of that age. It's a real shame feelings are more important than pointing out this could be damaging to a baby.
I have two friends who work in highly regarded nurseries and they are constantly out of ratio or there isn't a first aid person in. They don't pay the people who work in nurseries well and so it doesn't tend to be a career for them. They tell the parents that the child will have one key worker to bond with but this is rarely the case. Obviously I'm aware this is anecdotal but both of these nurseries are ofsted 'outstanding' and very highly regarded / expensive.

Pretty much all pre-school children whose parents work full-time will be spending more time at childcare than with their parent during the week.

Given they are awake ~ 12 hours a day this is inevitable.

Not many jobs about that are <6 hours a day.

Very easy to be critical when you are in a position to not need to do this.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/08/2024 08:37

Then you are lucky you have the support of a partner /husband so you can work part time and spend more time with your child

Op is a single mum and needs to work all hours to prob keep a roof over their heads and pay the bills

MidnightPatrol · 05/08/2024 08:45

PrettyPines · 04/08/2024 20:49

It's probably not as important for baby to grow up in an area with expensive houses as it is to have a secure attachment to a primary caregiver.
Even if the nursery could give your baby the same caregiver everyday they'll surely bond with them instead of you and be scared with you at home on the weekends?
I hear what you're saying about your career but if you live in an area where there are no childminders apparently due to the price, I wonder if you've thought about moving?
Nine months is so small, she needs a bond with a primary caregiver. The trauma on your poor child.

OP if your child is scared of everyone except you (including presumably your DH as he’s working and so not primary caregiver) - that’s an issue for you to resolve with your child, not indicative of how everyone’s else’s behaves!

Every child I know under ten was in 4/5 days a week of childcare as their parents worked full time, and all are happy balanced children with great relationships with their parents.

The cost of living requires two incomes in much of the UK and the longer term financial stability of the family / ability to retire (and particularly the mother) are imprtant.

If you want to be a SAHM that’s your choice, but don’t attack other women for making their own choices too.

WickieRoy · 05/08/2024 08:58

PrettyPines · 05/08/2024 07:56

Simply, the child will spend more awake hours at nursery than with their parent. Not sure why it's a controversial take to think this will be confusing for the child and that they could bond with that person more than their parent. Look up attachment in children of that age. It's a real shame feelings are more important than pointing out this could be damaging to a baby.
I have two friends who work in highly regarded nurseries and they are constantly out of ratio or there isn't a first aid person in. They don't pay the people who work in nurseries well and so it doesn't tend to be a career for them. They tell the parents that the child will have one key worker to bond with but this is rarely the case. Obviously I'm aware this is anecdotal but both of these nurseries are ofsted 'outstanding' and very highly regarded / expensive.

I don't know why you're ignoring the experience of parents telling you that no, our children weren't scared of us, FFS. Babies know who their parents are.

You still haven't answered if you have a partner who worked FT to allow you to stay home or work PT, and whether your baby was scared of them?

A baby in a happy, loving family will have a good attachment to their parents. Attachment disorders arise through neglect, not childcare.

burgundymug · 05/08/2024 09:10

They tell the parents that the child will have one key worker to bond with but this is rarely the case.

Oh no, it gets worse! So if I stay home then baby is going to be scared of my DH, but if we put baby in nursery then baby won’t be able to form attachments with anyone at all? No key adult at nursery and no key adult at home? I’m getting really worried now. @PrettyPines what should we do? Is the best solution for both DH and me to give up our jobs so we can stay home and baby won’t be scared of either of us at the weekends?