I can't control my anger/frustration

[empalempa]

I have a 16 month old little girl and I really struggle at bed time when she won't relax and go to sleep. During the day I am ok and don't lose it like I do at night even if she is testing my patience.
The last couple of weeks she has really been fighting bed time, when I'm sat with her in the rocking chair she arches her back, kicks her legs and tries to sit up. When I try to stop her she will just start crying and won't stop until I put her down. This really winds me up and I end up getting too rough with her, I held her tightly tonight and shouted at her to just go to sleep, she stopped and then started again so I slammed her down in the cot and walked out of the room. Ended in me sat on the landing floor crying my eyes out.
I just don't know how to cope with these feelings and I don't know how other mums keep their cool when their children frustrate them, I feel like if people saw how I was with her sometimes they'd have her taken off me. I've told myself in the past I will learn from this behaviour but when I'm so tired the anger just takes over me. By the evening I'm so desperate for a couple of hours break and I'm not getting it at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I've made a mistake having a baby and I should never have been a mum because what mother treats their baby like this? I do have a husband who is amazing and does so much but during the week he is away 2 days a week working in London.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could control this better and how to recognise I'm going to blow before I end up taking it out on her

I'm afraid I agree

We did some gentle sleep training with a consultant and that was really life changing, it meant we could stop all the rocking to sleep etc etc and just lie baby down in the cot and leave the room. Might be something worth looking in to?

Could she be overtired? Does she nap in the day?
Would she settle if you just stayed in her room reading or listening to podcasts/music and pretending to be asleep?
My DD was like this for months and would only ever fall asleep on me after feeding, which meant I'd have to ease her off me mm at a time and half the time she woke up.
Literally never managed to put her down and walk away - if you just think of it as your nap/chill out time too though maybe you could just hang out with her for 40 mins or so while she's falling asleep and wait till she grows out of that stage? My DD sleeps like a dream now and I'm convinced it's because I could never make bedtime a battleground - just let your DC do what they need to to get to sleep without stress. They need to think of bed as a safe secure place else you'll never stop the sleep problems.

Nice job for plenty dollar

Absolutely rage can be a symptom of PND. Antidepressants will help. U til then I would definitely think about nursery a couple of days a week just to have a break if it's getting to you in this way

I actually remember screaming and crying for what seemed like ages as a toddler at bedtime.. probably more like 20/30 minutes.. honestly I dont even know why looking back, I just wanted my own way I think!

Remember you CAN control your temper, you presumably don't act like this with others.

Start bedtime routine as early as possible so you're not exhausted, make extra time for snuggles and read books, make bed time a nice environment- no one could go to sleep if they're shouted at and pushed.

Helpful

Sadly I agree.

OP it is hard but you need to give yourself a reality check. The behaviour you describe is worrying and you are at risk of it escalating. You've reached out for help so it seems like you're acknowledging this. Reach out to friends and family, get some professional help on anger management and if you can't access therapy then go to your GP.

You say you don't want your DD to go to nursery until she talks? I would suggest putting her into nursery and you having a break from parenting for a few hours a day whilst taking a job will do you both a world of good.

No don't make extra time. That child will have you on a butty.

I’m sorry, but please don’t tell someone who is, in their words, too rough and ‘slamming’ the child into a cot that this is good parenting. It doesn’t make you an all round bad parent, but this is awful parenting behaviour. this is not a helpful comment as you are normalising something that is NOT ok.

OP, it’s so so frustrating. But it will pass. For now you need to dig into your patience reserves and remember that is tiny. If you need to just pop her in the cot and let her cry, this is much less damaging than being rough.

if husband is away make sure to call him, have him check in etc! Or if you can afford to have someone at her nursery come over for the evenings he is away to help.

Of course it isn't good behaviour, but don't kick the poor mum while she's down.

She's posted this asking for help knowing full well it isn't right. To me that makes her a good mum.
She needs to get some support with her feelings, that is all.

The real 'worrying' situations are those mums who exhibit this sort of behaviour without any remorse, which is clearly not the OP.

@AnnaCBi I think she was simply showing support for the very similar feelings we all get as mothers. It's how we deal with those feelings that matters, which is clearly what the OP needs support with.

@rebecca100 It's not kicking someone when they're down to point out the very obvious and not just dole out pointless, inaccurate platitudes. It's ok to advise and give support without totally minimising what is going on. Op knows she's not handling it well which is a start, but she needs practical advice on where to go and that she needs to act now to break this cycle - telling her she's doing fine isn't helpful at all.

I'm derailing a bit here so op, please don't think this next bit is specific to this thread but it's within the general theme -

It drives me batty on here when people wonder "how these awful things can happen to children" when a news article comes out after the worst has happened but in the very next thread people who are in very real danger of potentially going down this path get "oh it's so hard, you're doing great" / "we've all been there" / "little kids are just arseholes who push our button s" (yes I've read that several times on mn recently) or "it's just a snapshot, nobody should judge anybody" Like oh ok, let's all just pretend stuff like screaming, getting rough, smacking or slamming little kids is "just one of those things" because people might be tired and we don't want to upset them.

Also, I'm just going to say it - if op had come on saying her DH had screamed, held the child too tight and slammed her into the cot, the responses on here would be much, much harsher. Perhaps semi justified as men are statistically more likely to cause more damage and sometimes don't deal with the children as much, but still. It's a bit of a double standard.

@Fivebyfive2 I presume you were replying to me, not the person you mentioned.

I'm sorry but kids can be little arseholes. Are you going to report me to the police for thinking that?

The poster you quoted was simply stating that they understood how they felt, and they're not a bad mum. I'm not agreeing with that necessarily, they were simply being supportive and trying to make them feel better because many, many mums feel similar at times. You wouldn't be a normal mother if you didn't feel insanely angry at your child at times, it's how you act that matters. Clearly the OP knows they shouldn't have acted in this way otherwise she wouldn't have started this thread. I hardly think they read that comment and thought 'oh that's ok then, I'll keep slamming my child into the cot when I'm angry'.

I do really appreciate the supportive comments but I equally appreciate the more "harsh" ones too. Those are the comments that really make me think about what I have done and remind me that it is NOT ok and I need help.
I of course already feel awful and don't want to be told that I am a bad mum, I already know that I have been and know I could/should be better, which I am working on and will be calling the GP next week.

When you are absolutely in the thick of it like the OP and can't see the wood for the trees, and as a FTM who doesn't know better it actually really helped to have someone guide us and give a plan to follow which helped our baby to sleep happily in his own cot... worth every penny

You cannot “slam her down” in her cot. She must be absolutely terrified and this is not going to calm the situation and make her sleep. Just place her down gently and lie down next to her cot. Does she have a dummy or a soft toy to cuddle? Just lie with her even if she’s crying and verbally reassure her if she doesn’t want to be held. Reach through the cot bars and hold her hand or pat her if it helps. And definitely reach out to your GP or HV for help. I absolutely identify with the frustration you feel but you cannot take it out on your child.

You are doing your absolute best. The little one will do well having you with your self awareness as her Mum.

We know this.Nobody is terrified, the Mum needs a rest and support.

I'd like to see how you'd feel if someone 3 times your size or more screamed, gripped you tight and slammed you down somewhere. Of course the kid was probably terrified FFS.

And @Barnabyby no I won't report you the police for thinking babies and toddlers are arseholes (although I do think it says quite a bit about someone to attribute that label to a small child tbh) but they act out because they are babies/small children. We are adults, we are there parents, it is on us to handle our emotions properly or learn how to do so. Not to say to ourselves or each other oh don't worry your baby was being an arsehole, it's fine. Because it isn't.

To reiterate what I've said many times - I hope the op gets support. I think asking for advice on here was a very brave first step. But it was just that, a first step. Hopefully she'll be able to get practical help to break the cycle she's currently in before things escalate.

I don't want to kick people when they're down, I just hate seeing thread after thread on here of tired, stressed parents who can't handle normal baby/toddler behaviour and get told, time and again that losing their shite and potentially (or sometimes actually) hurting them is basically one of those things because parents are tired and children are arseholes.

@eggplant16 your support and kind words mean a lot, thank you.

@Fivebyfive2 @H930 I did worry afterwards that I would have made her frightened of me, but right after I went back in to her room she was reaching her arms out for me to lift her up and the following day I got so many cuddles and kisses from her, so I don't think I have made her feel scared of me. I hope not, anyway.

Also yes she does have a dummy, sometimes we give her two as she likes swapping between the two and it can sometimes help her go off to sleep lol. But when shes having an evening of fighting her sleep she can tend to chuck them across the room either in a temper or because she thinks it's funny

because she thinks it's funny

This may be the key. It is quite funny to have your parents on a piece of string.
Of course, I'm not suggesting anything harmful here, just some firm boudaries. Thousands of years of programming have gone into making this little one survive and thrive. Now you OP must look after you.

So we were doing the rocking to sleep in the chair thing too but she started fighting it so we made a little relaxing area in our toddlers room, nothing fancy just the travel cot mattress and some pillows and light blankets, soft toys in the corner and me and her lie on that together. Bed time still can take ages so for me the key is; be prepared and take turns. When it’s my turn I take a soft drink/tea with me, charged headphones and my phone. I find if I’m really struggling I can sneakily put one headphone in with a podcast/music and that can really help my mood, plus if im tired I’m comfy and lying down anyways.

We do stories in the corner and have a night light with white noise that helps soothe her and I just lie next to her for cuddles and stories, stay quiet otherwise and don’t engage in loads of play. As I said, it’s obviously not perfect as it can still take a long time to settle her but at least we’re all happy and I find I don’t lose my cool. Oh and I make sure I’ve had something to eat before hand so I’m not hangry as well, basically make sure you’re as happy as can be and keep it relaxing and just accept that itll
take ages.
The other key point is you’re not the only one doing the bedtime routine everytime, your partner needs to do his share of bedtimes. And the one who isn’t doing bedtime tidies the house and gets everything they can ready for you for the next day so if it’s really late when she falls asleep you can just go straight to bed yourself without stress.