I can't control my anger/frustration

[empalempa]

I have a 16 month old little girl and I really struggle at bed time when she won't relax and go to sleep. During the day I am ok and don't lose it like I do at night even if she is testing my patience.
The last couple of weeks she has really been fighting bed time, when I'm sat with her in the rocking chair she arches her back, kicks her legs and tries to sit up. When I try to stop her she will just start crying and won't stop until I put her down. This really winds me up and I end up getting too rough with her, I held her tightly tonight and shouted at her to just go to sleep, she stopped and then started again so I slammed her down in the cot and walked out of the room. Ended in me sat on the landing floor crying my eyes out.
I just don't know how to cope with these feelings and I don't know how other mums keep their cool when their children frustrate them, I feel like if people saw how I was with her sometimes they'd have her taken off me. I've told myself in the past I will learn from this behaviour but when I'm so tired the anger just takes over me. By the evening I'm so desperate for a couple of hours break and I'm not getting it at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I've made a mistake having a baby and I should never have been a mum because what mother treats their baby like this? I do have a husband who is amazing and does so much but during the week he is away 2 days a week working in London.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could control this better and how to recognise I'm going to blow before I end up taking it out on her

Thanks for all of your replies, I appreciate them all.
I am sat here in tears reading them because I really do feel like the worst mum in the world and I do not deserve her. I really need to be better.

Is your husband ever around at bedtime? If so give a week or two of him doing bedtime whenever he is there to give yourself a break.

You're not a bad mum, you're just burnt out. A bad mum would not be upset by this and trying to work out how to solve the issue.

Putting her in nursery will bring on her speech
It may also tire her out more!!

What time are you putting her down to sleep at? How many naps is she having?

Hi. I feel like things that children associate with sleep are really helpful so having the same thing each night whether it be some music or book but always the same thing and the same music or book. I would stop the rocking chair but lie down on a bed with her and cuddle her or stroke her hair. She will grow to associate these things with going to sleep and then it will get quicker each time.

You must draw a line in the sand in terms of taking your frustration out on her immediately and tell yourself that it will not happen again after today. If it does happen again or feel like it might happen, you need to get help. You should also tell your husband what has been happening.

I second the headphones, put some in, listen to a little calming music. I know mine at 16 months wouldn't have listened to stories.
What worked for one of my dc one day, was vacuuming. I was giving upstairs a quick clean, hoovering in his room etc. Then finished, went to start his bedtime settling, and he was asleep! All of the rocking, and circus tricks, falling asleep next to him, scared to breath, and the bloody vacuum had done it! Alot to be said for white noise, oh and brown and pink!

No op, you have created this thread, so you aren't at all. I can see you care about your daughter. Being sleep deprived is a form of torture, it is terrible, and it can make you lose your mind Make sure to have a chat with dh, don't be afraid to seek help. Always remove yourself from the situation, and go back in when you're feeling calmer.

Gosh I would put her in nursery if I could afford it. On the 2 days that your husband is away. Then take time for myself on those days.

Ah OP of course you deserve her, you’re trying your best. As others have said bedtime is prime time for losing your temper after a long day. I wasn’t this patient/relaxed when DS1 was a baby and constantly got frustrated and felt like the worst mother in the world. I think most of us can say we’ve sat on the stairs in tears on more than one occasion.

Everything is a phase. But at this age they just want to be up and about don’t they no matter how tired they are. It might be time to gradually start putting her in her cot sooner - I’m no expert on cry it out but she may surprise you after a night or two and just accept that being in the cot means bedtime.

I am completely in the same boat as you I've shouted and DS today. He's only 11 months, he also arches his back and flips his head back in frustration. I went to the HV she wasn't helpful only interested in him hitting milestones, on his 10 month development check I brought up the arching and head flipping and I was told that this is how he expresses himself when frustrated. No one seemed to be worried about his head and that he bangs his head when he flips back, I bought him a safety helmet now until this phase of head flipping stops. When my son fights his sleep I go through my stages of rocking, then playing music for him if he still arches and flips his head then I put him in the coat and let him cry and within 5 mins he falls asleep. If that fails he has a bouncer that always gets him to sleep. You are not a bad Mum I'm here too in the same boat as you, I feel like absolute crap when I shout and the guilt that comes with feeling like a failure. I also said to myself today that maybe I shouldn't have had a baby as I have limited patience. Get a hold of the anger before it builds, grit your teeth, take a deep breath, put your daughter in a safe place and have 5mins away from her.

Aw I just want to give you a big hug and reassure you that you are not a bad parent at all. There is nothing wrong with you. Small children are so testing and I totally get the rage that you can feel, especially at the end of the day, when they just will not do what you want them to! I think most people have been there, shouting at their children or handling them a little too roughly. Those saying they don't either don't want to admit it or they are the people who would just put their child in the cot and leave and let them cry - can't get angry at them if you're not even in the room!

I've been in your position exactly. You're burnout and need some more support. But for nighttimes the thing that helped me most was to change my expectations. If I went in thinking right I want him to go to sleep now and I don't want it to take more than 15 minutes I would get myself really stressed and angry when that inevitably didn't happen. If I went in thinking I'm going to put my headphones in and enjoy listening to this podcast and he will go to sleep when he goes to sleep I was sooo much calmer. Try to remove your own expectations and reframe that time - don't think do everything else you could be doing, pop in earphones and listen to something so it doesn't feel like such wasted time.

Please don't feel like a bad mum or that you don't deserve her, that's absolutely not true.

Bath story and cuddles then into cot with some soothing music and you walk away This will be much better than what's happening now and she will fall asleep eventually. You arnt a bad mum you're just very stressed. Don't fight it with her she will fall asleep on her own and each night will get shorter with the crying

OP hasn't mentioned at all that she is sleep deprived? The issue is the child cries when being rocked to sleep and OP therefore held her really tightly and slammed her down because she wouldn't stop crying.

She has help from her husband 5 nights a week, child is at grandparents every other weekend and she is struggling with the two nights of putting them to bed

I've been on your shoes, beating yourself up will only make you More stressed and less able to regulate your own emotions. Instead, promise yourself that from now on if you feel you are getting too frustrated you will leave the room and get a drink of water/go outside and take some deep breaths/whatever. Be kind to yourself and recognise that you are doing a really hard job and you have to pull extra resilience out of the bag precisely when you are most tired.
Try some new things- I found once I put my child down for bed I could tidy their room singing songs quietly and they would drift off. Or read a book aloud quietly. Or sit on a chair next to the bed reading a book and gently pat their back. Or sit next to their bed listening to a podcast on headphones. I agree that whatever you do you need to reduce the amount of physical contact/rocking etc so you can take steps towards them going to sleep more independently. Hope some of these ideas help

Oh for heavens sake! It has to be one of the most frustrating things to deal with at the end of a long day.

OP is doing her best.

@YellowphantGrey actually I had a really terrible night with her last night because of the heat and didn't get much sleep at all due to keep waking through the night to check on her (she was in bed with me because her room was too hot) and then she woke up at 5:30, so I am quite tired today. I am also with her from about 7am and she is full on all day due to her age.
Yes I have help from my husband the rest of the week but I am still with her all day while he is working and we still take it in turns to take her to bed and when she won't go down repeatedly it does start to get on top of you.
Should have also said it's more like once a month not every other weekend that she's at her grandparents, but I do know that I am still lucky to have this.

So what does bed time look like when your Husband is at home and what does it look like when the Grandparents have her? Is she also being rocked to sleep and crying when they do bedtimes?

Rocking isn't working, she doesn't like it so there's no point forcing it to the point where you're at.

What does she sleep during the day and what time are you putting her to bed? Children have sleep cycles and awake windows and if you're putting her down during her awake window, she isn't ready for sleep.

Between the ages of 1 to 2, the average toddler needs 12 to 13 hours and this includes the daytime nap. The awake window for 16 months is around 4 hours before being put to sleep again (again, average, some will differ)

Once you've worked the awake windows out and sleep times then you need the same consistent routine

Ok. What you need to do is find some time during the afternoon / evening when baby can have some free play (30 mins - 1 hour if you need to!) so you can have your time to yourself. Read a book, scroll, watch something, read something .. This will give you the energy, patience and boost to push through that tough nighttime routine.
The reason you are getting angry is because it's the end of the day, you're expecting it and you've not had it all day, so turn that around.

It might be the heat but keeping them VERY active is also extremely helpful for sleep.

Nah sorry doing her best is not slamming her child into the cot. Christ how low is the bar on mumsnet

I assume you have a bedtime routine in place? We did bath, book, bed. It gives time to wind down. Also, a lavender essential oil spray or baby bath is helpful for relaxing baby. Could you try putting her into the cot and saying, “night night, it’s bedtime”, then sit down in the room? Take a book with you to read. Then when she gets up, place her back down and say, “it’s bedtime” and go back to reading your book. Next time she gets up, don’t say anything or give any eye contact. Just settle her back down in bed. Do this until she settles and falls asleep. It’s very tough but it will work with practice. And it will get quicker with time too. Each time you sit back down, be in her line of sight but not looking at her. This way she knows you’re there but it’s bed time and not play time. It gives her security. And when you do sit down, breathe and remind yourself of her age. She’s just a baby and she’s not doing it to annoy you. She might have a little bit of separation anxiety and just needs to know you’re there but doesn’t want to be rocked or held.

It absolutely is and OP has done well to admit that she's starting to get too physical with her child and it's worrying her.

Get the Ferber sleep training book.

It's a game changer.

I know lots of people are being kind to OP, but please let’s not normalise this.

Lots of us are tired, lots of us have demanding toddlers. But this isn’t, and shouldn’t be, a normal response to it.

OP, I think you need proper help from a GP/ HV / whoever, because this isn’t a ‘mummy is a bit frustrated and snappy’ situation, this sounds potentially harmful.

A minute? She cries as she knows it works.

Why are you sitting by her bed until she sleeps. Put her down in her cot and walk away.

So what if she cries? She cries anyway when you sit next to her to the extent you're so angry you're man handling her.

I held her tightly tonight and shouted at her to just go to sleep, she stopped and then started again so I slammed her down in the cot and walked out of the room.

She shouted at her and threw her back in her cot and stormed off leaving her crying.

Honestly what would you do if a man posted this.

Sounds as if the OP should be putting her in nursery now and getting some time away.

I do think there is something wrong with me because no real mother would treat their own child the way I have treated my daughter this evening. It is not right and I deserve all of the negative reactions I am getting from people tonight. I appreciate all of the supportive comments but the people saying that this is not normal and she shouldn't be around me are right - she would get taken care of better by a stranger than by her own mum and that says a lot.