I can't control my anger/frustration

[empalempa]

I have a 16 month old little girl and I really struggle at bed time when she won't relax and go to sleep. During the day I am ok and don't lose it like I do at night even if she is testing my patience.
The last couple of weeks she has really been fighting bed time, when I'm sat with her in the rocking chair she arches her back, kicks her legs and tries to sit up. When I try to stop her she will just start crying and won't stop until I put her down. This really winds me up and I end up getting too rough with her, I held her tightly tonight and shouted at her to just go to sleep, she stopped and then started again so I slammed her down in the cot and walked out of the room. Ended in me sat on the landing floor crying my eyes out.
I just don't know how to cope with these feelings and I don't know how other mums keep their cool when their children frustrate them, I feel like if people saw how I was with her sometimes they'd have her taken off me. I've told myself in the past I will learn from this behaviour but when I'm so tired the anger just takes over me. By the evening I'm so desperate for a couple of hours break and I'm not getting it at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I've made a mistake having a baby and I should never have been a mum because what mother treats their baby like this? I do have a husband who is amazing and does so much but during the week he is away 2 days a week working in London.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could control this better and how to recognise I'm going to blow before I end up taking it out on her

I should never of had children and I am angry with myself for bringing her into this world with me as her mother.

What was life like when you had her? Was it a "normal" birth? Was there any health problems with her?

The more you post, the more I'm thinking you've got post natal depression. Have you spoke to anyone about how you feel in real life?

I don't want to be critical but slamming a baby down will not solve anything. Your baby has not developed the skills to communicate their emotions. Yet I also know how hard it can be.

Please, when you are at the end of your tether, place her down gently and leave the room

I have done the 'cry it out' method with all 3 of mine. Usually last max of 3/4 nights, then they learn that you will leave and will not return - they then learn to self-sooth!
Not everyone agrees with this but it has worked for me.

I put my son in bed, give bottle of milk to him, close blinds. Put on white noise and leave. Yes she will scream but I bought a Tapo camera from Amazon for £26 and it's great. I would check it every 10 mins and usually by 30 mins, fast asleep. It only lasts a few days!

You can do it, it's much better for you (and her).

I now put my 18 month old in bed wide awake with no tears every night at 6pm and he sleeps until 6am.

You will wonder why you never done it sooner. Crying does not physically hurt them and the benefit longer term is invaluable.
Good luck

OP I can empathise - my 21 month old daughter has become a professional bedtime - resister this summer and I have been in your shoes. I too find that my peak frustration time is in the evening and then the guilt sets in.

Try not to be too hard on yourself - you have proved you are a good parent by recognising the problem and asking for advice. It is also brave to ask for help and invite the judgement of others, remember that! I agree in that the best thing you can do when you feel your anger and frustration rising, is to calmly walk away and try to calm down. What I find now, is that if bedtime isn’t happening after about 20 mins or so, I bring her downstairs. But then I actively don’t entertain her — I’m lucky in that my dad is around as
we live with him just now, so sometimes she can sit with grandad and she’ll fall asleep there. Or other times I just let her potter about while I’m watching tv and she will eventually tire herself out. We as adults wouldn’t stay in bed if we can’t sleep, so I’m a great believer in just letting them go with the flow and not fighting it.

Toddlers are so hard, I hear you. No one prepares you for the physicality of them, or how much endurance this bit of motherhood takes. But you got this, and a tired phrase but a true one, this too will pass xx

@YellowphantGrey no it wasn't a normal birth, I was in labour with her for 5 days at home and then 2 days in hospital being induced which ended in a c section. I struggled to bond with her at the beginning and thought we'd made a huge mistake, I definitely had PND in the beginning. I started to really enjoy motherhood at around 3/4 months and then just recently it seems to have gone downhill again.

Leaving them crying for prolonged periods can cause emotional damage though, which is harder to repair than physical damage.

Babies cry because they can't talk, they aren't doing it to annoy you. If a toddler or baby cries and they don't have the words, they need something. It's up to you as a parent to figure that out and meet that need not leave them to cry. All they will learn over time is that no one will respond to their cries. You think you've won the battle when they stop and feel proud of your victory, meanwhile your child just thinks you're not bothered enough to be back and help them.

Listen, you are emotional. You’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed. You might be a little depressed. Yes, you shouldn’t have manhandled her but you know that and you can make sure never to do that again. Make sure you tell your husband what’s happened. Maybe he needs to make changes so he doesn’t have to be away twice a week or maybe you could swap the weekends with grandparents for the days he’s away? Your daughter loves you. If she went away to someone else she would be very distressed and want her mummy. If you feel you’re not coping then you need to seek help. Contact your GP or health visitor first thing. Please realise that this will pass and try to remember all the wonderful times you’ve had with your daughter. All the cute things she does and all the times you’ve enjoyed being her mummy. You have so many good times coming as a family too. Kids are hard sometimes but being with them as they change, learn and grow is a wonderful thing. You have so much to look forward to. If you feel you need urgent help because you or your daughter are at risk right now, then please contact 101 and ask for help immediately. Don’t let your current mindset, which is temporary, put you or your daughters safety at risk. Or call family/friends for support right now.

@Behonest32 thanks for the advice. I know this sounds hypocritical of me to say because of the way I have treated her but I don't like the thought of allowing her to fall asleep crying, I have tried leaving her to cry a few times before but she gets so upset she starts coughing a lot and her crying just gets more intense. Maybe I should leave her for longer but I find it hard to stay away from her when she's upset and I have the urge to comfort her

My little one was nightmare at bedtime, the only way I was able to improve the situation was sleep training. It was hard but it took less than a week of difficult nights when she was around 18 months old.

We would do bedtime routine, bath, little story in bed. Put her in the cot in her sleeping bag with night night on and white noise. Give her a bottle of milk.
I'd say good night, leave the room and wait outside. If she cried, I would wait a minute, go in and not talk, that was she would see us and know I was there, leave again.
It did take a while but it worked, we got our evenings back and she slept far better with so much less fuss.
Each time she stopped crying, she would go longer before falling asleep quite happy that we had been in and she saw us.

There are lots of methods of sleep training and each is different, suited to different families. Maybe do some research and when you find a method that suits you, try it and stick to it.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself. We are all human!

Could my rage be a symptom of PND? Would anti depressants help? I have never been treated for depression before and have only heard negative things about anti depressants.

Look, it's tough being a mother. Go and see your GP, explain how you feel.

It seems like you are keeping it together during the day then it's all built up by evening time. Have you considered you could have post natal depression?

Let her go to sleep on the sofa beside if needs be then carry her up...or whatever.

Have you any time for yourself during the week? At least one hour where you can go to something alone like a yoga class?

You could also do counseling once a week if you had childcare for the hour.
But see the GP and see how that goes. Best of luck.

Aw man OP, I feel you. Mine are through that now but I remember the feeling well.
I struggled with having no control over how bedtime would go and that desperation of getting to sneak out for some chill time.
The only thing that helped me was accepting it would take time, making myself comfortable beside them and putting an entertaining podcast in my ears. It made me feel like it didn't matter how long it took because I was having my chill time too.
Oh and, totally ignore any behaviour so as not to encourage it.
Best of luck, you WILL get through.

Did seek help for your post natal depression in the early days? 16 months isn't really that long a time frame to get over a birth and get yourself back to "normal".

PND can magnify situations like this tenfold and male everything seem worse. Don't get me wrong, sleeping habits and routines can break even the strongest parents but the smallest thing when youve got pnd is no joke.

I'd suggest going back to your Doctors and contacting your Health Visitor too. Let them know you're struggling and need support and help with your own mental health and advice on sleep routines too.

This week, certainly where I live, the weather has been hot, humid and horrible to sleep in. The children I look after have been awful, they've barely slept and don't sleep during the day. You're definitely not alone in that sense.

I think you need pretty urgent help as it appears you're at high risk of hitting your baby or harming her in some other way. You're being aggressive and taking her crying personally.

It could very well be. I had PND and was massively unsupported at home because I was told it was an excuse for bad parenting and that anti depressants led to drug addictions. I had no interest in parenting and had a short fuse.

I went to the Doctors when my child was 10 months. I was on anti depressants for 3 years. I was on one a day (citalopram) when I felt better and the Dr was happy with me, I came off them slowly, starting with one every other day and working down.

The difference they made was life changing for everyone.

@YellowphantGrey I did and was prescribed anti depressants but was hesitant to take them as I was scared of them making me feel not like myself or whatever. Shortly after I was prescribed them I started to feel a bit better.
Maybe I should go back to the GP and give them a proper go this time. I still look forward to things like going out with my husband and our family holidays, and I thought when you're depressed you don't look forward to anything, but my anger is not normal.

I don't think there's a blanket rule for depression. I looked forward to things but had days where I wondered why I bothered getting up.

Have you ever had anger issues or extreme reactions in your life before? All your periods back to normal? Definitely not pregnant again?

You have to find a way to accept it will happen and it's shit but it won't last forever. Just relinquish your self to the crapness and stop trying to fight it.

The anger you have will have come from somewhere in your own past and is amplified through exhaustion. I've been there.

I can't recommend sertraline enough for the sake of your baby. I agree with what other have said you need to run what's best for your baby. You recognise the problem and need to do something about it.

I don't know why you've only heard negative things about antidepressants - they can literally be a lifesaver. When I had PND and was having such debilitating panic attacks that I was really struggling to get through the day with a toddler and a baby, anti-depressants were the best thing for me. They didn't cure the anxiety and depression but they did help me lift my head above the water so I was no longer drowning. Other things that helped were getting a good walk in the fresh air every day, learning meditation and breathing techniques and having a routine with the kids. What you're doing at bedtime isn't working so you need to change up the routine. As others have said, bath, story/music/singing and then lying her down in her cot and saying night night. You can sit in the room and have some gentle music/white noise on. When she sits up and cries, you can comfort her with a gentle back stroke and lie her down again. First few nights will be hard going, she is learning to self soothe and it will take time but you will get there. If you feel angry and frustrated you need to leave the room and calm down.

Rage was definitely a symptom of PND for me. Take the antidepressants, you'll feel a bit weird for a few days but they definitely help, tell anyone who pipes up with their negative opinions to fuck off and mind their own business

Thanks again for all the replies.
She didn't end up going to sleep until about 11:30 - my husband arrived home at 9:30 and he tried to get her to go to sleep but she just cried non stop. I went in about 10:45 and ended up just sitting by her cot while she cried and cried. She kept putting her arm out to me so I'd get her out and try to rock her in the chair but she would fight me and try to get away so I put her back in the cot and let her cry. I was shushing and stroking her arms/legs/back to try and let her know that I'm there. She was stamping her feet and seemed a bit cross - maybe because I wasn't getting her out and letting her play? I don't know. Anyway she eventually lay down and went to sleep, I think she was just exhausted from the crying.
I hope this is the right thing to do and won't stress her out by letting her cry. I would never leave the room and let her cry like that. I just don't know what else to do - hoping it'll get easier.

Staying in the room and ignoring her bar laying her back down and shushing and patting her is fine. You're there, she's just cross and overtired.

Have a book and some headphones to stop the crying drilling into your brain, and do this every night for a while. Eventually, she'll realise that you're not leaving her and will start to settle quicker. Prefix this with wind down time - bath, book, bed. Stick with it, don't deviate.

You will get to the point where you can put her down and leave. It may take time, but you'll get there.

If it helps at all, I do remember the rage and frustration. This will pass. It will get better. This is not forever.

dear OP, I feel for you. We expect far far too much of ourselves. You have been through trauma, you have felt unwell, you have the responsibility of a little one. You're tired, its the end of the day. You've had enough and she is fighting sleep.

There is nothing" wrong " with you. You are not a bad Mum. You are doing your best.

Unpopular view.....children are hard wired to get what they want.