I can't control my anger/frustration

[empalempa]

I have a 16 month old little girl and I really struggle at bed time when she won't relax and go to sleep. During the day I am ok and don't lose it like I do at night even if she is testing my patience.
The last couple of weeks she has really been fighting bed time, when I'm sat with her in the rocking chair she arches her back, kicks her legs and tries to sit up. When I try to stop her she will just start crying and won't stop until I put her down. This really winds me up and I end up getting too rough with her, I held her tightly tonight and shouted at her to just go to sleep, she stopped and then started again so I slammed her down in the cot and walked out of the room. Ended in me sat on the landing floor crying my eyes out.
I just don't know how to cope with these feelings and I don't know how other mums keep their cool when their children frustrate them, I feel like if people saw how I was with her sometimes they'd have her taken off me. I've told myself in the past I will learn from this behaviour but when I'm so tired the anger just takes over me. By the evening I'm so desperate for a couple of hours break and I'm not getting it at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I've made a mistake having a baby and I should never have been a mum because what mother treats their baby like this? I do have a husband who is amazing and does so much but during the week he is away 2 days a week working in London.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could control this better and how to recognise I'm going to blow before I end up taking it out on her

I have no helpful advice, but I completely understand what you're saying, I have a 15 month old and having a similar experience. It doesn't make you a bad mum, I promise you that 🩷xx

It just sounds like you might need some time apart. Do you work? If not why don't you try it and put them in nursery. It's easier to enjoy time together when it's a fun novelty not a relentless grind with no down time

Thank you so much ❤️

What happens if you do a story, pop her in her cot, say goodnight and walk away?

Causing your baby harm when they’re displaying age appropriate behaviour is actually the definition of a bad mum.

OP you need to advise your GP, HV and social services for your poor baby’s sake

Does your husband know what’s happening?

I don't work and I don't want to put her in nursery until she can talk, she's on a waiting list to go into nursery when she's 3.
I do get a break from her every other weekend when her grandparents have her overnight - this weekend is one of them. Looking forward to the break.

Have tried this, she just cries as soon as I leave the room. Have tried leaving her for a minute or so but she carries on crying so have to go back and calm her down.

The rocking her to sleep isn't working. Not for her and not for you.

You must change this because she can't. She has no say over how bedtime goes. The only person who can change it is you. So do that now, look into some gentle sleep training methods and work on getting her to self settle.

It's really hard. You're doing your best. Don't beat yourself up. Just make the changes that are needed.

Hi OP, DC2 is 18 months so I sympathise. What would she do if you put her straight in the cot after your bedtime routine?

Eg DS will have his milk and a story, I give him a kiss and a little hug then put him straight in his cot, white noise on lights off and leave the room. He grumbles a little sometimes, sometimes he’ll talk to himself for 10 minutes or so and about half the time just fall straight to sleep.

Thanks for the suggestions, I have tried many times to just put her in the cot and walk out after the bedtime routine but she just cries and cries and get increasingly upset until we go back in to her.

Maybe accept that there's a good chance that she will take some time to go to sleep so that you don't feel so frustrated when she doesn't. Just leave her in the cot if she sits up or whatever and maybe just have a cold fizzy drink and chill out in the rocking chair letting her do her thing rather than rock her to sleep.

Alternatively put her in her cot, do her bedtime routine reading her story and singing some rhymes or whatever and then say goodnight and switch off the light and leave her to it. If she cries go in every now and then and tell her gently, sleep time now and then leave again until she falls asleep. In your head tell yourself it will take a while and have some nice chocs or something to munch on in between.

0-2 were the worst years of my life, it gets better I promise! You need to stop what you were doing though, change your mindset around and expect it to take time for her to fall asleep.

To be honest I had some sympathy until you said that you do get to have a break every other weekend , you are extremely lucky in that !

Toddlers are frustrating but you know you cannot behave like that and build a strong trusting bond but the fact you feel bad over it shows that you're not a bad mum .
I would suggest trying to pretend you are being watched by someone , you're a whole lot less likely to lose your temper .
Also perhaps wear some headphones and listen to calm music or a pod cast while your settling her . I find the crying absolutely puts me on edge so blocking that could help !

Firstly as children and adults we are not rocked to sleep.

Sleep is so important, I would change the routine. Perhaps in the cot for a story and low key voice and activity in the room

I don't work and I don't want to put her in nursery

^

You need to go back to work and put her in nursery.

You need to think of HER interests, not yours.

Leaving her to cry is safer than ‘slamming her down’. I appreciate your frustration but you simply cannot ‘slam her down’.

Does she have a dummy?

Please don't distress yourself. You did absolutely the right thing putting her in her cot (a little more gently though) and leaving the room.
If she can't climb out, she is safe while you calm down.
Please talk to your Health Visitor, GP, and of course your husband.

Yes I agree.

Agree headphones to block the noise and change the routine. Could you be menopausal if you can’t control the rage? and yes talk to your GP or HV asap before you hurt her.

The rage surprise and scared me after having my baby. Cumulative sleep deprivation does that to us, but if you feel you'll be rough just place her in a cot and walk away. However I know your pain, my son was rocked to sleep and he's huge, I had to stop it at ten months as I was getting so angry at him and myself for naps and bed time, he was so during fighting me. We lay him in his cot and kept laying him down saying calmly lie down after a good bedtime routine and it eventually worked wonders. I love putting him down for a nap now he still has fussy days but my tired and aching body isn't involved at all. Big hug!

I really do empathise as I also struggle to keep my patience at the end of the day when my child just won’t sleep. What I do is just take him back downstairs, reset and try again after 20-30 minutes. I feel like the change of environment is necessary to diffuse the tension, and getting flustered isn’t going to help. If anything, because young children are so sensitive to the mood of their primary caregiver, all of that huffy ‘go to sleep!’ business is totally counterproductive.

What helped me is just remembering that I’m the only one of the two of us that can, a) control my emotions, and b) control the situation. So, somehow, and I really do know it’s tough when you’re in it but you just need to keep that at the centre of your mind. Do something to break away to enable you to regain control of how you’re responding, and change your approach.

She’s not doing it deliberately. If something is not working then it’s your responsibility to fix it, not hers.

Be kind to yourself, parenting is really hard. But equally don’t excuse your behaviour. Change is needed and it must come from you.

All the best x

Op, when you feel angry like that, calmly place baby in her cot, or somewhere safe, and leave the room. Center your self, deep breaths, put some music on, have a glass of water. Only go back in when you are calm. A crying baby is far better than a hurt one. Remember that how your baby is behaving is normal, how you yourself will have been at tne same age. The baby cannot help it, but you can, you can remove yourself from the situation until you calm down.

It is a difficult age, my first dc didn't sleep through until 2.4. One night i remember dc1 just screaming and crying in the middle of the night. Nothing would calm him, until it started to rain, something as simple as that instantly changed it. I am not sure if you're tried brown/pink noise kids app, or get it on youtube. It is good.

With my 2nd dc, we used to have to rock him to sleep, it was so tough. They are now 7, and 4 and amazing litttle people. Your baby will grow up to be your best friend, and all of this will be a distant memory. It feels an eternity when you're in it, but honestly one day you'll look back and think it flew over.

Op, there is no shame in struggling. A good Mother is a one who admits she needs help, you have done that. x

If my 1 year old won’t sleep for me we put her in the pram and one of us takes her a walk, she’ll either fall asleep in the pram or fall asleep quicker when she gets back. It would much easier than rocking to sleep.

She doesn't seem to want rocked to sleep. So I'd stop that.

Could you put her in her cot and do story time and then sit beside her with your headphones on so you can't hear the racket she's making?

Do you have a partner you can take turns at bedtime with? Have your parents ever managed to put her down for the night without the racket?