I can't control my anger/frustration

[empalempa]

I have a 16 month old little girl and I really struggle at bed time when she won't relax and go to sleep. During the day I am ok and don't lose it like I do at night even if she is testing my patience.
The last couple of weeks she has really been fighting bed time, when I'm sat with her in the rocking chair she arches her back, kicks her legs and tries to sit up. When I try to stop her she will just start crying and won't stop until I put her down. This really winds me up and I end up getting too rough with her, I held her tightly tonight and shouted at her to just go to sleep, she stopped and then started again so I slammed her down in the cot and walked out of the room. Ended in me sat on the landing floor crying my eyes out.
I just don't know how to cope with these feelings and I don't know how other mums keep their cool when their children frustrate them, I feel like if people saw how I was with her sometimes they'd have her taken off me. I've told myself in the past I will learn from this behaviour but when I'm so tired the anger just takes over me. By the evening I'm so desperate for a couple of hours break and I'm not getting it at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I've made a mistake having a baby and I should never have been a mum because what mother treats their baby like this? I do have a husband who is amazing and does so much but during the week he is away 2 days a week working in London.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could control this better and how to recognise I'm going to blow before I end up taking it out on her

I agree.

All this never let children cry, they'll learn you don't come for them.

Actually they'll learn you don't come for them when they're crying for no good reason and they just don't want to go to bed.

They know you'll come running if they're hurt, ill, in danger, etc.

You just won't come running if they don't want to go to bed and will leave them to it.

I agree with this @empalempa .

I'm sorry because I know you're struggling, but you need a reality check and practical help, not pages of "oh Hun it's so hard, have a hug" that minimises the fact that you're shouting at and being rough with your baby for nothing more than normal behaviour. "Slammed her down" in her cot? Read that again please.

Talk t your HV or gp, ask about parenting courses, anger management type therapy, things that will actually help you stop this behaviour before it escalates.

I'm ready for the replies saying I'm being harsh, you need kindness "we've all been there" but I'm sorry, no we haven't and your child needs kindness, you as the adult need the tools and support to provide it even when it's hard.

I really hope you get the support you need op and fwiw I think it's fantastic you're acknowledging you're struggling and reaching out.

Disagree. The op has reached out for help here, not just platitudes. She knows it's not okay and is looking for better ways. Castigating her won't help her or her child. Practical suggestions will.

Yes, reach out to GP and health visitor, that's practical. Telling her how awful she is helps no one.

Is there anyone who could take her for an hour before bedtime each night? Or even half an hour? Just so you can get some space and time to yourself before the bedtime challenge?

I have experienced the most intense rage parenting just like you describe, I think it has always been when my needs aren't nearly getting met.

Parenting is both the best and the hardest job in the world. It's great you spoke up about this.

Sending ♥️

I really struggle with my feelings now my daughter is 3 but this isn't something I really experienced when she was as young as yours, I was breastfeeding her though maybe this made a difference. I did get very frustrated and annoyed with my partner though but I had DD 100% of the time with zero break until I went to work part time at 13 months.

I think you need to change your expectations (people suggesting putting her in the cot and leaving lol I'm amazed that actually works for you) like be prepared for bedtime to take a while. I got myself some wireless earphones and I listen to audiobooks or podcasts to pass the time.

The rocking doesn't sound like it's working, are you able to feed to sleep? Can you put her in her cot and sit with her until she falls to sleep? Tap her bum or stroke her back?

There's also a book called
"The Happy Sleeper" by Heather Turgeon which transformed our daughters sleep. (Though I changed the increments from every 5 mins to every 2 mins) and stayed outside the door talking to her through it so she knew at all times I was still there. Even better for our youngest was staying by the cot and just picking up and putting down repeatedly when she cried. Gradually leaving it for a minute in the cot each time.

I think if you're stressed she will feel that and not feel like she's safe enough to drop off to sleep. Not your fault if you're stressed though!

Also when is her last nap? Is it possible it's too close to bedtime and that her sleep pressure isn't high enough?

We could never do late afternoon naps like some families do because my daughter wasn't tired enough for bedtime

you're shouting at and being rough with your baby

No she's not. How silly. I recall many years ago my little one wanted to play in the middle of the night. I went to the GP who was totally horrified at the idea of my exhaustion and suggested maybe no play time in the cot in the middle of the night. Job done.

You missed the part where she admitted slamming her baby down in the cot?

We're all too big for this to happen but you can imagine how terrifying it would be to have someone big enough and strong enough to throw you and actually do it.

Erm, she literally said she held her baby tightly, shouted at her and “slammed” her into the cot.

Erm, whatever. The poor OP sounds totally fed up and she is reaching out for help.

It'll get sorted. A bit of crying is maybe the answer.

Have you thought about trying a gentle, holistic sleep consultant? I used to find napping and bedtimes quite stressful but learning more about the science of sleep and making small incremental changes to our routine over a few months really helped me feel like I got a bit of control back. It helped so much!

Did you ever read the op? You know, the bit that clearly states "I shouted at her, held her really tightly then slammed her down in her cot"

I'm sorry but I cannot believe how low the fucking bar is on here sometimes. Oh don't worry, losing your shite, shouting, grabbing and "slamming " your young child is apparently no big deal because life is hard and people are tired. Have some wine Hun.

Jesus Christ.

People go on and on about behaviour/mental health of young kids now and blame screens and upfs, but no one wants to admit way too many parents are so stressed and tired from life they can't handle their own emotions around, quite frankly, really normal baby/toddler behaviour.

@empalempa you urgently need to get to a GP for an assessment and access support. This is not normal behaviour, holding her too tightly, shouting etc.

Does your husband know about the incident (s?). Can he step up while you engage with anger management, PND assessment etc. I hope you recover from whatever is causing these issues.

I at no point said " Have some wine hun"

Its not a good situation.

Children are incredibly hard work, moreso if you don't feel well.

I sincerely hope OP gets support from her partner and professionals.

The OP said she found herself squeezing her daughter to restrict her then slammed her into the cot.

You think that's not rough?!

Which is exactly what I said in my first post (about her needing proper support, not platitudes)

My "wine" comment wasn't aimed at you, it was general exasperation at the type of comments on here, that are frequently trotted out on threads of this theme.

I absolutely agree with the comments here telling me to get help and I am going to call my GP on Monday and explain how I've been feeling and see what they suggest. I wonder if I do have PND that I have been ignoring and is now showing itself as anger/rage. It is hard sometimes to admit you might be feeling a bit rubbish when you so desperately want to be able to cope and "smash" motherhood.
I do appreciate the comments of support on here, even if I do not deserve them.
Last night was a wake up call for me and I am so ashamed of myself. We have had a good day today, we have been out and she has given me lots of cuddles and kisses. My husband is at home now so at least we can take it in turns this evening sitting with her if we have a similar night to last night.

I would speak to the GP and get some help with potential pnd. I had very similar and the therapy they gave me really really helped.

OP just put her to bed and walk away.
Shut the door, and put some headphones on.

She'll be asleep before half an hour is up. And you'll have less trouble tomorrow.

You have to be firm.

You don't need to sit with her till she falls asleep!

You're making a rod for your own back.

Problem is when we do that she cries so much, I don't want her to think I'm not there and won't respond to her when she's upset. I am going to try sitting with her and see how it goes, see if she learns that being in the cot means sleep and she can't come out to play. If that doesn't work, I will try walking away and leaving her. But for now, I don't want to do that.
She has always been fine with being rocked to sleep and has always fallen asleep within about 10 minutes so it's nothing for us. It's only the week or so she's gone like this and I'm unsure if it's the hot weather, a regression or if she just doesn't want to be rocked to sleep anymore.

OP, I don't think you're a bad mum, your little one is strongly attached to you and you don't like leaving her to cry. In my opinion that makes you far better than someone who willingly ignores crying. My suggestion would be to try a floor bed. Make the room safe and lay next to her instead of rocking her. You will both be more relaxed and hopefully enjoy the snuggles. It won't be making a rod for your own back, these times don't last forever.

I think you've had some helpful advice and some quite harsh reactions. You've noticed that what is happening isn't ok but you've also noticed that you are getting triggered and angry and it's hard to control that feeling
A few ideas, in addition to asking for help from gp/health visitor/husband

• try to get a few moments pre bedtime to check your own emotions - maybe when she is safely playing in a playpen for a minute (look out the window, breathe, have a quick shower, put on a song you like)
• when you notice that you are getting irritated at bedtime - look how little her fingers are and remember how young she is, put her calmly down in her cot without expecting her to go to sleep leave some music on for her or a light toy and tell her you'll be back, step out and breathe and calm yourself for a couple of minutes then go back in
• try to change the expectation of bedtime - 30 mins calm and slow is better than 10 mins cross - try singing, music playing, lightshow, teddies cuddling her, round and round the garden on her hands - just reconnect her to bedtime being calm
• it has been hot - maybe she doesn't want to be rocked when she's sticky - give you some compassion and keep fingers crossed it breaks soon. And if it's hot again - fan, cuddle with a flannel that's been in the fridge
• try to notice where your own burn out is coming from - do you need some more adult support in the day? Do you have friends you can do coffee play dates with? Are you trying to do too much to keep the house perfect and running out of energy? What do you do for you?

Take care

I bet your daughter is a funny little bundle of fun. We are so isolated, its all wrong.

take it easy and be prepared for a bit of crying from the wee one.