I want a third child but husband doesn’t

[Mumofboys000]

Hi all. I really want a third child but my husband is against the idea. We are both in our late 30’s and have 2 DS age 4 & 8. His reasons for not wanting a third are as follows:

1. I had mild PND after both my first DSs and he did a lot to support me so he’s worried this would be a lot for all of us 3rd time around
2. He now has a high powered job where perhaps he couldn’t just muddle through a day like he did before when tired after a sleepless night
3. We would have to pay for a minimum of 3 days of childcare a week after ny year off and he feels this will set us back as we are now in a good place financially
4. We would need a new car
5. Holidays are all geared towards families of 4 and would be more expensive
6. Doesn’t want to go back into the newborn/baby/toddler years lol

I have taken his reasons on board and I can completely see where he’s coming from, but I can’t get rid of this feeling.

My counter argument is that childcare costs etc would only be for a max of 2 years and then we have a free childcare scheme for kids aged 3+ so that would be a brief time period in the grand scheme of things. Also, I just feel that we will regret not going for it more than we would regret having a third bundle of joy! I’m not stupid enough to think that having a 3rd would be a walk in the park - far from it! - but I just know that I will always regret not having a third. I’m not asking for advice on how to change his mind, but more about your experiences of going for it and having a 3rd in your late 30’s. I really want to have that pregnancy, birth and baby experience one more time 🙁

Please be kind 🙂

If you are not asking how to change his mind, then others’ experiences are irrelevant. Be honest with yourself - you do want to change his mind but respectfully, he’s clearly thought about this and decided he doesn’t want a third. That trumps your desire, I am afraid. I know it’s horrible for you.

He makes very valid points. How would you cope as a single mum of 3? Because that could happen. It could happen anyway but two is more manageable. Be happy with what you have. If he's not fully on board then it's a no.

You haven't really provided proper counter arguments to your DH at all. Address every single one of his concerns one by one as you have put them out here.

Do you work? If not I can completely see why he does not want to be the sole financial provider as well as doing a lot of the load at home due to your potential PND. Seems a bit unfair.

His reasons are sound and the only reason he needs is not wanting to do it. How do you know you’d be done after 3 and not want a fourth?

Other people’s circumstances are different to yours so other people having decided to go for it - I assume you mean in complete agreement with their partner/spouse which isn’t the situation you’re in - might make you feel worse rather than better. Children deserve to be wanted by both parents and your husband feels the family is complete with the two you have.

I don’t think he’s going to change his mind. Even if he did, I’d worry that he’d resent both you and the child.

but more about your experiences of going for it and having a 3rd in your late 30

How are you going to 'go for it? Are you planning on tricking your husband into having another child? He doesn't want more children, if you do then finish the relationship and find someone who does.

With the new scheme you will get 30 free hours from September 2025 which should help. Unless you or husband earns 100k then you wouldn’t qualify.
i have 2 I do think of a 3rd occasionally and i am in my late 30’s but I do quickly realise that we are better to stay at 2. Only way I would have a 3rd would be if I didn’t have to work for a while as it’s a juggle as it is with 2

I did, and she's a darling, but:

Shortly after her birth her brother was diagnosed with autism. No chance of nice cheap childcare, ever.

One of my friends had twins as their 'third child'. Another had triplets. I believe multiple births get more common with age.

Three children can split the night hours between them so that you never get a full hour's sleep. I sometimes think the little buggers actually planned it.

Yes I do work and my employer offers a lot o flexibility i.e I could reduce my hours, I can work from home and work flexible hours.

you can’t count on childcare actually being free

How will hearing other people's stories about going for it and having a third in their 30's help you if it's not happening for you?

He's got really valid reasons for not wanting a third. If you don't want to change his mind, what do you want to hear the stories for? How will that help you?

Well look, you're married and he says no. So you're going have to get rid of the feeling.

His points are valid and even if they were not - he.does.not.want.a.baby.

No.

You might not like the word no. But its a no anyway.

I didn’t mention anything about tricking him - I would never even think of doing that. I also asked people to be kind

Help me understand:

Your husband doesn't want any more children. He's given you plenty of good reasons for why he doesn't want them although not wanting them is enough.

You want to 'go for it' ie have another child so, without tricking him, how are you going to achieve that?

We had a similar discussion, and went ahead with three considering mostly the short term childcare like you are. That was incredibly naive and short-sighted. The additional load of an extra child to support will continue long into school, teenagers with different needs who you will want to be there for, and early adulthood financial and emotional support.

Obviously you can't go back in time so I'm not going to say I regret it; but trying to force him into that massive commitment when he doesn't want it may be unwise.

Why do you want experiences? Your husband doesn’t want one, won’t hearing others experiences just make you feel like you’re missing out on something? Surely you should be asking how to accept two if you’re not looking to change his mind.

There are tonnes of excuses to not have kids or not have more kids. You can present arguments against those excuses as much as you like but if the want is there, that will outweigh any argument against more children. But if the want isn’t there, then no amount of discussion is going to get rid of those excuses. Your husband doesn’t want any more kids, you won’t be able to argue against those excuses because kids do cost money, take time, make you lose sleep, make you concentrate less at work.

If your other 2 are at school 5 days a week it's not going to be so bad

Could you put in place more support outside school hours and weekends?

How do your other 2 children sleep?

You can get a cheaper second hand car or think more carefully about whether you could manage with what you have

Who cares if holidays are a tiny bit more expensive, just go in different kinds of holidays then, Haven or camping. I have never gone on more than 1 abroad holiday a year, making a life changing decision on a holiday seems silly

I’m not going to “trick” him, end of

Some of these comments are pretty shitty tbh

OP I do know a family that had an unplanned 3rd that the dad didn't want and it means mum is often left with all the hard graft because "she was the one that wanted it". Maybe some men in that situation do come around to having 3 but would you cope if yours doesn't at you have PND again?

You want a girl

My sister wanted a third, but her DH didn't. My sister left him. Sister didn't find anyone else, so she is now single and only sees her two children 50% of the time! Be careful what you wish for.

So how are you going to have another child?

When you say your child is 4, does this mean your 'last' birth was caught up with COVID? Are you just trying to replicate the experience you wanted to have?