Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

No he's not. He's not reached the end of year 11 yet.

Social worker who thinks 15 year olds can go into supported accommodation? Ok

There is section 20 of the children act that basically says if any person with parental responsibility cannot look after their child then children’s services have a duty to do so. Have you got a community care solicitor? They should be arguing this point and your son should have an advocate and a solicitor to argue that he needs accommodating under section 20

Section 20 doesn't confer a duty on local authorities to accommodate children. It makes provision for voluntary arrangements with the consent of both parties. It's not a duty you can invoke to force a local authority to accommodate your child.

I haven't read all the posts, I tried to just read what you've replied to, but to be honest I was too sad reading the kick in you got from some posters.

I just want to say, there are provisions for young people like your eldest. There are homes that are set up to take young people who have a past or risk of physical or sexual assault. There are other risk factors that SS obviously accommodate.
The reason they're not offering you this is because it's going to use up a fuck tonne of their budget. I have a friend who runs one of these homes, its like semi independent living. In situations like your eldests, because he needs 24/7 supervision to stop him re offending the amount they'd pay would reflect that and it would be thousands of pounds per week.

In your position, I would collect anything written down by your children's DSLs, I would take youngest to a GP, explain that you're having problems with him sleeping and everything else since the SA. And explain that SS want his abuser to return home, can they provide something written down to say that this would affect your youngest physical and mental health?
Same with your girl too, seeing as she's been abused physically.
Then get an appt with your local MP.
Get your MP to fight this, with a key argument being that you are trying to remove a risk from your home, and you feel that SS need to support your family in lowering the risk that your eldest poses to all of his siblings. Make it clear that you're seeing him as a risk because of his mental health, and that needs improvement but there is no way that you, or indeed his dad cannot provide that support, or 24/7 supervision.
If he were an adult, this would be viewed by them completely differently. They'd laugh at the notion, if you said "oh my boyfriend has SAd someone, but don't worry! I'll supervise him 24/7 so he's not a risk to my children"

How long until he's 16 OP?

She’s not “trying to act like a saviour”. She’s doing all she can to protect her other children and get help for the 15 year old.

She has been a victim herself in her life, and that can affect someone’s choices. She’s trying to do the best for her children and should be commended for that, not “judged”.

What she is living through is far more stressful than what you’re experiencing in just reading about it. You can walk away from this thread, but she can’t walk away from her situation.

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to send solidarity and say, you’re doing your best for your kids.

What a tough situation you're in OP. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

That Apple Orchard website looks exactly the perfect thing. I hope they can advise on how to help your son earn a place.

Young offenders' institute is most violent - watchdog www.bbc.com/news/articles/cql8eld5p3vo

Sadly OP the reality for your eldest if going into the system is also likely to be awful. I have absolute sympathy for your situation and cannot imagine how I would deal with it. However, the 15 year old is still a child. Labelling him as an abuser and 'rehoming' him is likely to set a trajectory for his life which you have to be sure you want. This 15 year old is also being failed by many when still a child.

Going to the press and MP- NO. What terrible advice people have given. Imagine the headlines that your family will never escape from.

Your children need a play therapist to tell others and to be sure of the facts as best you can be. I do see your eldest has said he did do it, but what you don't say is the severity. Of course we wouldn't expect that on a forum here but has your eldest's report matched the younger ones?

I'm confused about the court order you have for your youngest 2 which means they cannot live elsewhere or at least partially during the week. I also don't think grandma is particularly helping you either. Does she understand the severity of his (lack) of options?

God I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can't imagine. Honestly I don't see what more you can do. You've got him to the services that are supposed to help, you can't fix him yourself. You have to protect your other 3.

The 8yo has a mother to fight for him, honestly I don't know what she's playing at keeping her child at that house with a child abuser and the man that covered it up.

The only place for your eldest is with his dad, SS have no where to put him, he can't be with other kids and what Foster parent is going to take on a teenage child abuser?

He has to stay at his dad's. And the other child's mother needs to stand up for her child and take him out of there. I'd make an anonymous tip off to that kids school that he's living with his abuser. They should do as much as your child's school and quite frankly, might shame her into protecting her child.

Like in all professions, some social workers are great and some are absolutely useless. It sounds like you’ve got a bad lot. If they force him home, you’ll have no choice but to move out your other children, surely? They can’t be put at risk like that. I really hope you can get it sorted.

As much as it is agonising to write this, if your son's father, social services and your son are happy to have him in the summerhouse then I think you should go with that (I'm amazed the stepmother will countenance that but there you go). Yes it will be damaging for the 8 year old autistic boy, but, frankly, he is not your responsibility. Only your kids are. The 8 year old can at least be be kept physically safe if your DS is accompanied on all visits to the house. I would have less concern than you about the mental health aspects of living in the summerhouse - plenty of teens and their families choose this for one reason or another, so it doesn't follow that such a living arrangement itself would CAUSE any mental health issues. Would his MH be any better in a hostel/supported living/foster home (any of the other living arrangements you hope - but is unlikely - social services can provide?) I doubt it; it's the therapeutic support that would make a difference, not his physical living arrangements.

Then, re-direct and re-double your efforts at getting the therapy and support your DS needs.

I think as his father has taken him in, albeit in a shed, then he’s no longer the SS concern. They have housed him. Your ex did him no favors - hence you are hitting your head against a brick wall.

Hive it a few weeks and the ex will have to take on the challenge of trying to get him housed and supported.

You’ve done all you can. It’s now up to his father.

Maybe this is the one thing you can drop and focus on your own sanity, and your other children.

Please stop replying to those who haven’t read your words or understood your situation, you have made things clear, you don’t need to justify yourself to strangers.

Yes it’s an unregulated placement. It has to have agreement by the Head of Service. Are you a child protection social worker @DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum ?

I think the word summer house has muddied the waters here with regard to it being a solution, it’s a shed.

Never mind it meaning that her son would still be within reach of her other children.

@TheGreenBee social work can not force you to take anyone in to your home, this is a blatant lie! Refuse and stay calm

This sounds like a really good shout. Worth giving them a call for further information.
Assuming the social worker won’t make a referral perhaps the safeguarding team and/or your doctor would.

Apple Orchard

Sw here however from different part of the UK.

Absolutely do not accept him home at all this is absolutely shocking that they are trying to place him back home. Is there no family or friends at all that can accommodate him until there is further assessment and support put in place for all involved.

When does he turn 16 op. Like others have suggested I would wait on the report and recommendations before agreeing to anything further and seek legal advice if this was me.

I actually worked on a similar case a few years ago and the older child was placed with a Grandparent and referred to services to work with children to are perpetrators of sexual abuse. The younger sibling in my case did not want to take it further with the Police.

I imagine it's a very tough situation to be in. However no one can force you to accept him back home. Based on this you will need to be creative with what options there is for him. If the summer house keeps him out of your home and your younger children safe then what other option have you got. You're not getting a placement for him elsewhere unless family without children take him in. On the other hand the summerhouse doesn't sound like a safe and suitable option to me.

And in the house is a young child he’s also assaulted? Who wouldn’t be allowed out to play in the garden because his assaulter lives in the shed? And who would have to be supervised 24/7?
Just how appropriate is this? Bloody ridiculous suggestion.

This, stop scapegoating your son. Start asking why he behaved in this way and how you and his Dad can help him best. If he becomes a Looked After Child his outcomes ( educational, social and health) are likely to be terrible. There is no doubt it would be in his best interests to return home as the social worker suggests with robust supervision. Ask the SW how she will support you and his Dad to meet all your childrens' needs when he has returned home, particularly over the Summer

If OP lets DS15 back, she may lose her other 3 dc if they are repeatedly abused.

So your sinister suggestion to ‘start cooperating’ will bring about the very thing you’re threatening to OP will happen.

It's all very well saying he should be in the shed but what if the 8yr old/mother of the 8yr old doesn't want him there?

Perhaps his dad should move elsewhere & house him?

Why is it all up to Op?

I am shocked that a SW is talking about children being perpetrators of abuse. They are all victims, no secure happy child abuses other children, it is extremely likely something awful has happened to OPs son here.

@Neurodiversitydoctor Whilst yes he is still a child. He is above the age of criminal responsibility. He is significantly older than the victims. He engaged in an illegal act on more than one occasion and likely knew exactly what he was doing. It appears from what op has briefly wrote that he has also been violent towards the other children also. Call it what you want a youth offender/ perpetrator. Op has not stated that the 15 year old has disclosed any abuse towards him at this stage.

As I said he needs to be placed elsewhere until further assessment and recommendations for support are put in place.

Why do you think a head of service (or AD as it actually would be) would agree to such an unregulated (unlawful) placement? It wouldn't happen in my local authority.