Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

He is not eligible for supported accommodation until he is 16 years old,

This is an awful situation and I'm sorry for everyone.

HOWEVER
The 15yr old is still the responsibility of his parents. They need to thoroughly explore their options, bearing in mind the needs of ALL the children.

OP has her younger children who need to stay with her for their best interests to recover from this.

What about the dad? Does he live with his own children who have no other parent? If not then he needs to move out and live with the 15yr old for a few years, get him set up on his own before moving back in with his other family.
At the moment the dad would prefer his 15yr old live in a shed than step up and make proper accommodation.

Unless you are all prepared to be foster carers or social workers, then you can't blame SS for failing to house a 15yr old accused of sex offences. There is nowhere to house him.
A friend fostered a child with similar issues- it was hell and she had a hell of a job getting him moved on.

Changed my username for this! I have been in a very similar situation.

this is so tough for you, hang on in there!

You have to keep all the children safe and this is impossible if they are living under the same roof. It is a very difficult situation to manage.

Absolutely refuse the return of 15 year old to your care. End of! No further discussion! Take control of this situation and do not let SW bully and intimidate you. You can do this 💪

If Social services continue to threaten you with claims of neglect, tell them to crack on and you will see them in court, and hold your head high when saying it. Remind them that they have a duty of care to all your children.

know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.

It’s good that you recognise that the 15 year old needs help and support.
You say you can’t help him, but you can….
You can advocate that he needs therapeutic help.
You can advocate that you can’t keep him safe if he was to live with you.
You can advocate how inappropriate it is to live in a shed.
You can advocate that by living in a shed you are concerned the impact that this will have on his emotional and mental health.

I absolutely get the hurt and anger and I imagine guilt that you are feeling, but he is your son as well, it’s hard, but try not to reject him.

You won’t want to hear this just now as you see the younger child as the victim. In my circumstances, the hatred and resentment I felt towards the older child at the time was intense, but now, I am able to reflect, the older child was a victim as well.

I wish you much strength and love to get through this 💪

Keep saying no, he cannot come home again. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I have a friend who’s a professional foster cater and specializes in teens.

In my local authority, we have supported accommodation from age 8.

My neighbours also took on ''problem teens'' - but not sexually abusive ones as they had to keep their other teens safe.

They couldn't have a sexual abuser loose in the house with vulnerable children about.

This sexually abusive teen is obviously damaged, but he's a risk that no one wants.

Would you want him in your house with younger children about??

That's not supported accommodation. That's either foster care or residential care. Supported accommodation means basically like a young persons hostel.

Ok, I stand corrected, it’s residential care units we have in our local authority.

I don’t see how SS can charge you with neglect for refusing to have him back. If you refuse to have him then they will have to sort something.

a friend of mine is a manager for a community which provides housing and support for “problem” children like these. Some of the children they house are such a risk that they need constant 1-1 or even 2-1 supervision and sometimes they will need to be the only child in the home. So they will rent/buy a terraced house and move the child and the workers in. It isn’t cheap and I guess the local authority pays. She said the bill for some kids is 20k a week! They provide psych input/counselling as well as housing. So stuff is available but guess SS want the easy/cheap option.

i agree with follow everything up in writing. So email them and say following our meeting/phone conversation today I would like to confirm that you state that x who you know to have sexually abused young children at this house should move back into the house with these children. Ask in the email how they propose you safeguard the children. Ask them if moving sexual abuser paedophiles into a house with their victims meets their safeguarding standards…..sorry for the blunt language but I think you will need to be blunt with them.

agree with contacting your MP for support.

Her son is a sexual predator, no I wouldn't let him in the house. He has to have physically damaged those small children's bodies so I'd be getting them checked over as well.

I'd be recording the social workers converdations and giving them to my solicitor as well.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I cannot imagine much worse. As others have said stay strong and keep saying NO to SS. They're not geniuses. My approach would be to start using their terminology. Ask them how much experience they have preventing intra-family sexual abuse. Ask how they plan to alleviate the damage done to the children if reoffense occurse as it already has. Ask them if their Duty of Care enables them to leave children at risk - ask the the child who is a minor and re-offending is likely to continue the pattern and needs help.

If you haven't already, I would contact your GP practice. You're a Family in Need. Their system should be updated accordingly. You should ask for referrals for mental health support for all of you. If you think the offending one could self-harm then you should escalate the mental health help.

Something isn’t adding up in your story. The job of a social worker is to protect children from harm and they’re saying they want a child sex abuser to live at home with your children. It isn’t just one bad social worker because three of them all agree. This is nothing to do with cost - social workers aren’t responsible for that and won’t even know the cost of what they recommend, it’s about the child’s best interests. Do they not believe you about the sexual abuse? Why are they saying he has to live with you and not his dad?

They certainly can’t force you to let him live with you and if you don’t then he is their responsibility as a homeless child.

This @DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum I’ve worked with 15 year olds who have been placed in supported accommodation as an emergency, even though the guidance states that the YP should be 16 . This has been agreed by senior managers. I’ve also had 15 year olds who had to stay at a hotel with round the clock staff, again in an emergency situation and agreed by senior manager.

@TheGreenBee The Local Authority could provide a residential placement for your son , one that specialises in working with young people with sexualised behaviour. However, this would cost 5-7k a week so there is always push back against this.

I don’t see how SS can charge you with neglect for refusing to have him back. If you refuse to have him then they will have to sort something.

There is no " charge" for neglect. I think what the social worker is suggesting is a child protection plan under the category of neglect. I would suggest this is a very good idea. As I said upthread IME ( 10 years of CSA medicals) these are not the actions of a 15yo for whom everything is going well in his life. Going into either an unregulated placement ( which is difficult and extremely expensive) or residential care will futher destroy this young man's life chances. He will do much better in the care of his family- with appropriate support. As I understand it the social worker is suggesting the OPs other children live with their father(s) so not sharing a home with this undoubtedly troubled young man.

Because the two little ones haven’t repeated it back to them I don’t think they believe it maybe? I really don’t know the reasons why they are suggesting he comes home, he’s admitted to doing it. My 4yo doesn’t talk to anyone outside of me his siblings and dad unless he’s been with them for hours and hours that day. And the 8yo told them “mum and dad are sorting it” so he didn’t tell them what happened.

An unregulated placement for an under 16 is an unregistered care setting.

It might be that the provider usually provides supported accommodation but the mechanism by which they are providing services for the 15 year is unregistered and unregulated care, not support.

All areas have them but that doesn't mean you can just access one. They are extremely expensive and each child can cost the taxpayer £50 - 100k annually to place in one. They are only used where it's actively unsafe for a young person to be at home not where there are practical barriers to them being at home that can be overcome. There are very few places and even fewer for teens with sexually harmful behaviour. Obviously they can't put those young people in regular children's homes. They need higher ratios and greater supervision. Such placements are very limited.

sounds like he should live with his dad.
a parent
they want him to live with you and you have 3 other children,
their dad has one other child?
easier for dad to move to a flat with the ds?

I suspect you have very little experience of how Children's Services work.

This sounds absolutely awful OP. Agree to keep saying no and shout as loudly as you can to anyone who will listen.

Keep getting the school DSLs to make complaints to senior staff. As in heads of departments, not just managers.

Keep finding the strength you need to go forwards, then collapse when the issue is suitably concluded.

All the best.

He needs to go to a foster carer as a single placement. Just keep insisting this is the solution. Write to your MP and ask for a meeting. In the letter say a single placement with a foster carer would be the best solution. Under no circumstances take him back with other DC. I'd also talk to 8 year old and explain they should talk to police so your older son does not try to do it again. He needs help.

I honestly can’t get my head around the idea that a SW is telling you to have your son back when there is SA of his sibling in the home. Even if your 4 year old hasn’t said anything to the police your 15 year old has admitted it to the police, did I read that right? I have worked similar cases and that would be the last thing I’d suggest, when a family did exactly that we went immediately to CP.

Ignore anyone who has told you CSC can force you to have him home, they can’t - listen to your solicitor.

I would put in writing asking them to confirm that they are asking you to have your son home despite the SA which puts your other children at risk. Ask if they are suggesting a shed is suitable accommodation for him listing all the reasons it is not (honestly the mind boggles, I’d have serious issues with parents who made their child live in a shed so why is it ok for this child?)

I would cc your MP, the Team Manager and Head of Service too, ask for a response within 5 days. Also look at the LAs complaints procedure

I would be contacting Lucy Faithful Foundation too, they are wonderful support for families.

But this isn't an emergency situation and it won't be agreed by senior managers! Just because some creative (and unlawful) solutions have been found in extremis on occasion doesn't mean that's something that children's services would or could do in this situation.

But even this doesn’t make sense, I’ve caused him to be this way so he should continue living with me?

People do have their own free will and choices, sometimes people do things they absolutely shouldn’t do. That doesn’t mean these things have happened to them. And in my experience quite the opposite, see I’d never want anyone else to experience some of the things that I have as an adult or child and certainly wouldn’t do them to another. He’s 15, he’s fully aware that it’s wrong. And no he hasn’t been abused sexually or otherwise-after numerous talks with him I believe that he’s not lied to me about that.

Ok OP I think we need to know what we are talking about here, because that of course informs the risk assesment harmful sexual behaviours has a huge spectrum most of the posters here are probably thinking of rape or other non consensual sexual acts , however if it is more unsolicited touching or exposure to explicit materials- which although not acceptable is not such a major risk. However as I said upthread they are not actually suggesting he moves in with these young children are they ?