Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

I am not disputing this - the intention of my post is to offer some advice so that the OP can be confident when approaching her sons social worker.

But also to try and reframe how her son is viewed. Her son is a child and also has rights - which you have pointed out the OP is trying to promote by not agreeing to the shed.

I’m so so sorry OP.

We had a very similar situation in my extended family. 15 yo SA his 6-year-old brother. His dad dragged him to the police station who did nothing. He also admitted to throwing him up again the wall before bundling him into the car which they/social seemed more bothered about.

The reason I know is because the dad called me essentially begging me to look after the 15-year-old. In the end they both stayed here for a couple of nights as I didn’t want to be home alone with him either.

He then went to stay with an an uncle and his kids. The uncle was convinced that it was all a misunderstanding/wouldn’t do it again. Social didn’t care that there was children in the house who were the same age as the one who he had SA. Social just seemed to be bothered that my cousin was abandoning his child. I’m not sure the ins and outs afterwards but uncle did have to get the 15-year-old a lawyer. He was getting some charges (I believe) but was still allowed to be in a house with a child.

Is there anyway you could pay a friend to house him?

Or, he’d be in the shed for the summer. Bad for his mental health, but so would be prison.

You think that a teenage boy who abused two small children should be allowed to access the house where one of those small children live to use the toilet? Can you imagine how damaging that would be for that child who has to see their abuser daily?

OP stand your ground. Keep reiterating that it is not safe. Keep safeguarding and police onto SS to reiterate that it is not safe. You are doing the right thing.

Oh also you say you were told this today was it verbally? I assume so. I would send an email to the social worker setting out what was said and state you feel it's serious and needs to be on record. They will come back and deny it was said I bet.

We now have a disability SW who are another breed and not like the child protection SWs I e crossed paths with. But if I ever deal with a SW I don't know and trust I keep all communication via email I refuse phone calls and when they visit I secretly record on my phone them type up the minutes and email them (also I respond to most questions in these visits that it's not appropriate to discuss around the children and I will email my answers). They need to see the house check you have food and kids beds and clothes et but you can insist talking isn't appropriate. You can also request all face to face meetings are recorded (they usually say not but they can't stop you writing up your own minutes). And you can have someone else with you for support/as a witness.

It is illegal to share any recordings you make. But it's not illegal to record for your own use typing up what was said. I also think there are laws around how you store the recording so I do it on a phone that has a passcode and isn't linked to the cloud. It's also illegal to record court proceedings even to write your own minutes (but court is recorded and judges follow the law and don't make these threats) and you should check if it's illegal to record child protection conferences because I suspect it is however I think you can insist they record them themselves.

Because my 4yo and the autistic 8yo he done it too wouldn’t tell the police and SS what they told us the police can’t do anything. They said had it not been a family member they would take it more seriously 😧 he’s admitted doing it and said he did it because he had his phone took away because of some other things he was doing that weren’t appropriate.

When the police officer went to see him at school, he said the way he speaks, carries himself etc you’d think he was at least 18, had he not seen him in uniform and in a school, he’s very mature for his age. But yes he’s 15 so he is a child. However at 15, he knows what he’s done to a 4yo and an 8yo autistic child.

As I’ve said, it’s not just that he has to sleep in it, he would be living in it, he’s only allowed to go into the house to use the toilet. He’s been suffering with his mental health for a long time, despite having counselling, therapies and anxiety medication, so being in a shed all day every day with no one to talk too etc isn’t going to do his mental health any good.

SS have put no support in place and made no recommendations so far, other than he needs to come home and be watched 24/7.

As I said originally, I’ve been trying to get him the right help and support as well as a suitable place to live. I’ve been to meetings with his school, they said because the police aren’t doing anything they don’t need too.

This has been a priority to me alongside prioritising the needs of my 3 other children and ensuring that the right support systems are in place for them to cope with all of this.

Of course he can't live in a shed in the garden of a child he abused - why are some of you suggesting this is an OK solution??

Do they? Are you volunteering to be a foster family to a sexually abusive teenager? No? No one else wants to either so there aren't placements.

But carry on blaming SWs who do jobs you couldn't.

OP just refuse.

CPS won’t give your son a flat of his own age 15.

CPS is the state rescue service for children from non-functioning families, not your free estate agent. Children can’t get leases anyway, it’s against the law.

You’ve suggested fostering; the social worker has mentioned moving your other DC.

Be careful what you wish for, love - your rejection & expulsion of DS could be seen by a judge as inability to parent all the DC, not just a DS you don’t want. Start cooperating and take responsibility for all the DC where you can.

You need a trip to Dunelm to furnish the shed. Make it nice.

Exactly. Because the abuser is their brother, how painful and upsetting for those children, which I raised my concerns about to his dad and step mum (mum of the two children in the house) I can’t see how this is the solution, it doesn’t get my 15yo the correct help and support nor does it help the other child that was abused 😭

He should be housed in a young offenders secure unit until he has had psychiatric assessments with view to help for his mental health issues. It is an absolute disgrace SS are behaving like this without taking the abused children into consideration. Fight it all the way OP.

OP as someone who has been through this as a child, of course you are 100% right, he cannot come back home to live with his victims. WTAF is the social worker thinking??
And no, living on the same property as another of his victims is just as fucking ludicrous.
My abuser was also moved out to the backyard, it didn't stop him continuing to abuse me every single day!

I apologise for my ignorance but is there such a thing as voluntarily giving up parental rights so the LA would HAVE to take responsibility for finding him somewhere?

Foster Carer who would only have him in the house?

I’m so sorry and disgusted OP that you’ve been put in this position - those poor little boys.

I have 4 children, one that’s been beaten by her brother on two occasions, one that’s been sexually assaulted by him, and one that’s crying daily not understanding why his brother isn’t home, and one that has done these horrific things to them.
I’ve been trying to get him the right help and somewhere safe to live. That obviously cannot be with me, nor do I think it’s appropriate that he’s in a shed in the garden of the other child he’s abused.
I know he can’t lease a property, where was that even mentioned? Social services would quickly rehome him had I been the abuser.
Theres court orders in place for the other children - that they live with me, so they can’t live with their dad. So the option isn’t an option, secondly I shouldn’t have to lose 3 children to save 1, that is beyond my help. I need to be here for the 3 innocent children involved as well as try and get my eldest the help he needs and somewhere suitable to live.

This is what I thought and looked into, and the SW laughed at me while I was in tears.
I don’t think half the people commenting here actually understand how heartbreaking all of this is, not only has my littlest been abused it was my first born thats done it. 😭

Without knowing what he did I don’t think anyone can suggest he needs to be in secure care.

OP - my advice is to try and work alongside the social workers. Secret recordings and not speaking to them
face to face as has been suggested by an earlier poster won’t help anyone.

It isn’t safe for him to live at home with you until something has been done to try and reduce the risks that are present. Yes he may know what he has done is wrong but that doesn’t mean he can’t be supported appropriately to ensure it doesn’t happen again. There should be a robust risk management plan in place with isn’t plucked out of thin air , but should be based on an assessment. The risk management plan should be reviewed regularly.

Your son and your family deserve for an assessment (s) to be undertaken and for interventions to be identified that will try to prevent this happening again.

Are there any other family members he can stay with? Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents?

Laughing at you is disgusting.

I’d put in a formal complaint against SW, hope they get removed from the case.

If what I suggested is an option don’t let that SW put you off at least researching and exploring it. I am so sorry that is a gut wrenching position to be in.

This is one of the things I have repeatedly mentioned, because I feel this is the most suitable place for him to get the right help so that maybe he can change for the better and be safe and keep others safe too. He can’t get to my other children now, they are safe and I’ll give my last breath before I let him harm them again 😭 but I can’t keep everyone else’s babies safe from what my son may do without help.

The obvious solution is that your other children go and live with their dad (or did you say dads, are there multiple?). Where are they anyway? I’m separated from my children’s other parent and if they were abused whilst staying with that parent, then I wouldn’t be sending them back. They’d be living with me full time. Where are the dads? Why haven’t they got their kids out of your house until your son has been dealt with?

Send your kids to their dads. Have your son home, get private treatment, go back to the police, continue to work with SS.

@Supersimkin7 Of course CPS wont do anything for OP or her children, she’s in the wrong country. CPS are an American agency.
When you have no idea what you’re talking about it’s generally better to stay quiet.

Omg bless your heart. I have a 15 yr old son and a 5 yr old daughter and I cannot even begin to imagine your pain and worry. Some things I’ve heard about SS are that they pray on the weak so stand firm. Do what is right for your innocent children. You obviously love your teenage son and want what’s best for him but to even suggest sending your young children to their dads to then have him live with you is ludicrous. Push for foster care and do not take no for an answer. He needs support and professional help whilst not living in your home. Sending you so much strength, what an awful awful predicament x

I have 4 children, one that’s been beaten by her brother on two occasions, one that’s been sexually assaulted by him, and one that’s crying daily not understanding why his brother isn’t home, and one that has done these horrific things to them.
I’ve been trying to get him the right help and somewhere safe to live. That obviously cannot be with me, nor do I think it’s appropriate that he’s in a shed in the garden of the other child he’s abused.
My youngest two’s dad has seen how hard I’ve been fighting to protect the children and all the support that’s in place for them is because I’ve put it there with the DSL’s, he has a court order against him for abuse on me so he can’t have the children full time, they live with me.
My 13yo daughter doesn’t want to stay with her dad and said she wants no contact with him (15yo’s dad too) because he tried to cover it up - I contacted social services and police when I found out what had happened. It’s also happened in his house to his other son with his current partner.
All of my children are heartbroken and need their mum right now, as much as I need them. I’ve not abused them, why should I lose them to protect the abuser? In what world does that make any sense? 😭 What makes anyone think I want to look at him after what he’s done let alone cook his tea and act normal? I don’t. But I do want to get him the correct help and support and somewhere safe to live.

Jesus this makes me feel sick. He needs to be locked away. Absolutely disgusting they are suggesting he comes home. They are either stupid, sick in the head or don’t believe he’s done it. He needs housing somewhere there isn’t kids as hell do it time and time again.

But why should the other children be punished for their brother’s crimes? They will miss their mother just as much as she will miss them.

Exactly. He needs somewhere safe to live, where he can get the right level of care and support for his mental health so that he can hopefully get better and not harm anyone else or himself. We’ve already got him private counselling, therapies, medication, I’ve sat with him for hours while he cries on my lap having deep conversations etc I’ve always supported him and fought to get him help but it’s gone beyond that now, he’s done this to my littlest 😭

Be a fierce mama. You can do it. Keep telling them no . Yes he is your child but you have other children and they need protecting. Hell I’d go to press if I had too. He cannot be allowed in your place . He will do it time and time again they always do. I’m so sorry you and you kids are facing this.