Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

If that was the case, why do they ONLY accept referrals from SW’s? If it was an option for me to pay for it I would, I can remortgage my house and get the funds - I’ve asked they won’t let me because the SW’s have to refer.

For that very reasons - because you are in the highly privileged position of having that option, and these places need to go to the most in need, not the richest. Hence the need for SW referal.

If you are really this wealthy, why don't you consider boarding school for your son?

I’m not rich or wealthy, I’m a single mum of 4 children, working my butt off as much as I can while being present for my children. I’m saying that I would find a way to fund this if it was an option for me too. Boarding school wouldn’t help with his mental health and it puts other children at further risk imo. Apple Orchard is designed for children like my 15yo, child sex abusers, to work through their problems receiving the therapy and counselling that’s needed as well as somewhere safe to stay and an education alongside. They only take referrals from Social workers, so clearly they can do this, it wouldn’t be tbe only option if it was above their pay grade and there were no funds available for this. Please look into things before commenting it’d be more useful.

Also please search if other similar schools/programs. Helpful to ask admissions staff for advice.

Yes good idea! I’ll see if there’s a similar thing to Apple Orchard thank you!

I think this person is making it very clear that child sex abuse and the protection of victims along with rehabilitation for the perpetrator is low on the list for whatever local authority they work for (assuming they ARE a SW)

Yeah to say “it’s not their job” is ridiculous because it literally is their job, otherwise they wouldn’t be the only service that can refer children to Apple Orchard. I also can’t push for a section 20 without the help of SS, so again this is their job, they just aren’t taking the circumstances seriously enough or thinking about the well being of the other innocent children involved with both families. I understand it’s a complicated situation and the options are limited, but there are options. Local MP has responded to email asking for SW’s names and the PO I spoke to so hopefully they do some investigating themselves and can help 🤞🏼

So, you're advocating for MORE victims to experience sexual abuse?

The social worker has just visited my 13yo at school, and she has just phoned me very upset. The social worker said to her “not to put thoughts in your head but your brother is very sweet and kind etc” and she said back to her “no it’s an act, you don’t see him everyday and how he is at home” How is it that a 13yo gets it, but a social worker that is trained to protect children, doesn’t understand the severity of this situation? I’m sickened and appalled at how social services are responding to this. We all feel so let down!

“Not to put thoughts in your head but …” should be reported. I would add at the end of any correspondence to your MP/councillor that you are concerned that the SW visited your 13 year old at school and said this, Also tell your solicitor and express your concern to the safeguarding team at the school.

Complaints about social services are addressed in the first instance to the local authority. This is why it’s important to get on to your local councillor. They may be able to intervene. If they don’t then an official complaint is the way to go but I’d try the local councillor before submitting a formal complaint.
Also speak to your solicitor because I’m not sure whether or not a formal complaint affects legal aid funding.
It’s useful that your MP is looking into the case but ultimately it’s a local authority matter because they pay for any residential placement. I imagine that the MP may be in contact with your councillor, but you should be too.

That's appalling and needs reporting - saying things like that to vulnerable people can be really harmful.

Well done to your 13 yo for sticking to her own opinion despite that pressure.

She’s stood her ground, she doesn’t want him home, she knows exactly what her brothers like, and she’s so hurt and angry that he’s done something like this to two of her little brothers. She’s gone and reported the convo to her school DSL too, I’m so proud of her for not being manipulated by the SW. Bless her.

OP you need to go nuclear on this. Its totally inappropriate of the SW to attempt to coerce victims of an abuser into seeing that abuser in a positive light. No. SW needs a formal complaint asap esccalated as high as you can. Tell them MP and local authority have been informed - this person is a safeguarding risk to your children and should be removed from involvement. I understand that SW are stretched thin, but to be advocating for a child molester to be homed with the children he's abused and to turn up at the school of a child victim in order to manipulate the child are huge breaches of trust and responsibility. Tell them you will be going to the papers if they don't sort this immediately.

She’s gone and reported the convo to her school DSL too, I’m so proud of her for not being manipulated by the SW. Bless her.

Good for her.
I hope the school DSL raises a complaint with social services.

I would tell your dd she is within her rights to insist a member of staff from school sit in in meetings.

If there was a member of staff there today then contact them and ask they write up what they observed as you will be complaining about the "not to put ideas in your head" comment.

It boils my blood. I work with kids and in safeguarding training we are told over and over never ask leading questions leave it to SS/police they are trained to question children. Then when I've had SS involved with my kids I stand at the bottom of the stairs and listen to a SE really lead my dd and pressure her to say what the SW wanted. She amazingly like your dd corrected the se saying that's not correct etc and then when the report is written up there is just no mention of my dd feelings that she repeatedly expressed very clearly because it didn't fit the narrative the sw wanted. I've told my dd she doesn't have to speak to them alone. She may have to be alone with them to tell them this so they believe it's her wishes not mine but she can insist on me being there and if ss don't accept this then a teacher or other adult could be present. She has done this and I had to interrupt and say I can hear her saying she doesn't want to talk alone to you please respect her boundaries. They never did seek to speak to her again either with or without a witness 🤷‍♀️

I’ve put a complaint in to social services and to 6 local councillors and the MP. I can’t believe any of this is happening and how it’s being handled so inappropriately!

I’ve put a complaint in to social services and to 6 local councillors and the MP. I can’t believe any of this is happening and how it’s being handled so inappropriately!

Good. That should help sort it.

It’s difficult to tell if this down to one incompetent social worker, or a manager keen to stick to strict budgetary limits, or the fact that your son will soon be 16 and they don’t want to spend on him. But the potential damage firstly to 3 other children and later to the wider public makes treating your son a priority. He obviously has problems which need specialised professional input.

This is beyond appalling. Ask for the SW to be removed from the case and that another is assigned. Include that she is trying to coerce your daughter into accepting that what he did doesn't really matter because others say he's "sweet and kind" this is grooming language and behaviour and should be deemed gross misconduct and a safeguarding risk. She needs to be removed from children's services because how many other occurrences of abuse is she at best trying to cover up and at worst, facilitating.

This must be sorted before he is 16, otherwise social services can then say he is not their responsibility and it will be fully a police matter.
What you don't want to happen is have this swept under the carpet by them, for them to potentially at a later stage to turn on you if he has any contact with the children after the age of 16.

Do you know if a referral has ever been made for your son to any kind of specialist service?

Only CAHMS a few years ago

Is it possible to ask your GP to make the referral?

I asked them if they accept referrals from anyone other than SW’s as I was thinking the same but they said no and to keep trying SS