Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

OP I work in this field and like that police officer sometimes I feel like screaming because with some social workers they don't seem to understand the risk. Some are great others much less so.

This seems like a clear cut section 20 to be you are unable to continue to provide care for him.
He can't go to a secure my unit without sectioning -he won't meet the threshold, or conviction - not happening because police don't have evidence to progress the case. Children's services have a reduced obligation once they hit 16 and it feels to me like they are pushing this in that direction, he'll be in the shed for six months then told to report homeless to the council and maybe get a 16+ worker who isn't a qualified social worker (some of them are great but not trained to work in sexual offending).

It's good you have a solicitor, I would also advocate talking to your MP and the head of children's services, also contact your local MAPPA manager and youth offending team, you need different eyes on this from a risk perspective. And most importantly keep saying no.

FWIW DH has cases currently who are the same age and younger who have raped people so his age doesn't mitigate the risk.

Thank you 🙏🏼

To be fair there is a charge of neglect that the police can bring. Refusing to allow your child to come home and making them homeless can potentially be considered criminally neglectful.

£20,000 per problem child per WEEK??
Christ on a bike- no wonder councils are strapped for cash.

It would be cheaper to pay people not to have children that are likely to need this kind of intervention.

He needs sending to a secure unit for kids he's of his age he needs help and punishing for what he's done it s disgusting he's a sex offender he will only continue to carry on specifically since he's allowed to get away with it social services are screwed no way ina million should be allowed anywhere where he has access to children..

Do you have a Time Machine? This is the perfect solution let’s go. 🤦‍♀️ Seeing into the future is a wonderful gift, I’m glad you have it but the rest of us don’t. I have to actually try and find options not just comment shit and then go about my day.

It is for family to come up with solutions about how to safeguard the other children but also to enable the child to live at home, he has 2 parents.

Also loving the naivety on here about availability of placements and whats out there. Foster carers usually have multiple placements and even when they dont, most foster carers have children and grandchildren so wont put themselves forward for a child with a history of sexually harmful behaviours.

Any talk of 'specialised' placements is also coming from people who dont understand whats out there, not only are there no spaces but these providers sell themselves as specialised but are just bog standard placements but will cost the tax payer around 15k a week

He isnt going to go into any secure unit because he isnt charged and convicted of anything for a YO institution and remanded to one by the courts and he isnt going to go into a standard secure because he wouldnt meet the criteria for that nor is there a court order for that and there wouldnt be one made becuase again he doesnt meet the criteria for it based on what OP has written

The children subject to an order to live with the mother can be overridden if both parties agree, (ie mum and dad) so its not set in stone that the younger children have to live with mum. The family need to be flexible to manage the situation.

It's often childre who cannot get access to supports and services at a younger age, even though their parents have been fighting tooth and nail to get them the mental health supports they need. It's not always nurture ya know. Have you seen the state of the mental health services for kids in this country? Don't be so quick to judge other parents.

It would be cheaper to pay people not to have children that are likely to need this kind of intervention. Edited
Quote

You can't just send a teenager to a secure unit 🙄 there is a threshold that has to be agreed at court. This isn't it.

I don't agree. I'm a foster carer and I'd take him in. Obviously he needs lots of attention and care but he can't be around other young DC. Where abouts are you OP?

Oh so I go to court 4x to fight to protect my children, then just back down go against the court order and take home my sexually abusive son and play happy families after losing 3 children? Perfect. How dumb of me.

This is not quite right. You can sign over parental responsibility to e.g. adoptive parents, willing relatives or have it removed by the state. Not saying this will help OP but it is simply not the case that you are required to meet your parental responsibilities and there is no other option.

I’m so sorry you are all in this horrendous situation. I’ve read your posts OP but not all the other comments so this may have been suggested before. Is there anyway your 15yo son’s Dad could at least temporarily move out and find a flat/house where he could live with your son on his own without younger children being around? I realise it’s not idea for your son’s father, however surely it would be a good option for your son. I appreciate he may not be able to afford this option, however would there be any financial support available to help facilitate this?

You're wrong. You cannot 'sign over' parental responsibility to anyone. It can be removed by a court in the case of adoption or in very limited cases due to risk to the child. You cannot divest yourself of parental responsibility any other way. If a relative cares for your child under a private law order or the local authority under a care order you retain parental responsibility.

This is certainly the obvious solution.

This was suggested but he refused and wasn’t threatened when he said no. They just seem to think it’s appropriate for me to lose all 3 children. Disregard all of their feelings and mine, disregard their mental health and mine. All they’ve thought about is 1 person here, and they’ve barely done that.

He should be charged and shouldn't be allowed to just get away with it he's only going go get worse has he grows up that's how it starts his poor victims will never forget what has happened to them he knows full well that what he has done is very wrong he needs to be kept away from other children.

Police can't charge him without evidence

Keep saying ‘No, try his Dad’.

@TheGreenBee There is a lot of misinformation and judgement on this thread that is incredibly unhelpful, I hope you are ok and you can sift out to focus on the useful bits.

A third of sexual offences are committed by those under 18 and the majority of those young people DO NOT go on to offend as adults. Your son can be helped and it is right to advocate for him to receive specialist support as you are. Follow your solicitors advice, they are correct.

We don't know why some young people sexually harm others definitively, but difficulties with emotional regulation is a common theme- the sexual impulse is powerful and can also be difficult to regulate. Unless you have abused your son you are not to blame and will be a key part of his recovery wherever he is living- social services know that which is why they are trying to maintain your relationship with him and return him to your care, however you also need to protect and support your other children which is understandable and why your solicitor has advised you as they have.

There are specialist community services for children who have sexually harmed others and there are specialist care (residential and foster such as Kites) placements. The placements are few and far between and he may not get one but he must access specialist community support. Lucy Faithfull is a good place to start and they can support you as well. There may well be a service to support your other children and they can probably advice about this.

I’m not wrong because my stepdaughter’s maternal aunt and uncle now have parental responsibility for her after my husband and her mother agreed to sign them over in court. I literally sat and watched my husband sign the documents and attended the hearing where the order was made. So. Yes you can retain responsibility but you can also give up your responsibilities.

i agree

We are talking at cross purposes and misunderstanding each other. Yes you are right you can agree for someone else to share PR and have day to day care of your child. What you can't do is what the original poster I was responding to said and give up your parental 'rights'. Look back through the quote history.

@TheGreenBee I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.

I wonder how social work would respond if you point out that the child they're so keen to move to your shed and displace other children in the process, already has a shed to sleep in and a similar arrangement with regards toilets to what would be available at your house, with a parent... So why do they want to shift the arrangement to yours? Why does his father's safeguarding concerns regarding him there trump your safeguarding concerns about having him with you?

You have 3 other traumatised children to parent by yourself. Your ex and his partner have another traumatised child to parent. Why do social work consider a higher risk environment more appropriate? And if they come up with suggestions of moving your other children away, you could point out that they haven't made that suggestion to your ex's family - where's the equality in that?

It's a horrible situation all round. It's not a great solution, but one approach I've seen has been for the family with two parents to have to live apart until the perpetrating child was legally old enough to live alone - one parent living with the perpetrator and one with the victim. The best option would be a professional placement or emergency foster care, but if social work are pushing destroying your single parent household over this, I'd be interested in why they haven't suggested his dad takes him to live in a rental for a bit instead.