Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

what is your objection to the summer house? He's not going to get a foster care placement, is he. Be real.

Social workers can be very manipulative. They always seem to want the cheapest and easiest option. Don't give in. Be firm. Just say NO.

What is their logic for returning him to somewhere where his presence either puts younger children at risk or displaces them from their home?

They’ve not given any reasonable answer, when I cried and begged for help she just laughed and said there’s no reason he can’t come home. He’s admitted to what he’s done too.

That is ridiculous and dangerous too. You have to protect your other children at all costs! Just say no!! Can you take any legal actions against this?

Well it’s not really a summer house, it’s a shed, no heating, no water, just a bed. I don’t think being in a shed isolated with no interaction whatsoever (especially during the 6 week summer holidays) is going to benefit his mental health in any way. He’s allowed in the house to use the toilet and that is all because the other child he abused lives in the house.

This is what I was advised by my solicitors to do, but the DSL at one of the schools said to me today that social could put a child protection order in place where I can’t refuse to take him back home 😭

No, of course he can't come home to live with vulnerable small boys he's abused.

What help has he had re being abusive.

what's your objection to the Summer House? Why can't he live in the main part of his Dad's house?

sorry about all the questions, but it's hard to help without more information?

how are the abused boys doing?

My solicitors told me to stand my ground and keep saying no, but I was told today social could put an order in place where I can’t refuse 😭 If it was a husband you’d kick him out, if it was a nan you’d make sure they never come near your kids again, but because it’s their brother they are saying “it happens often in families” the police aren’t doing anything and social want him home, my head is blown.

In the short term ask the safeguarding officers to write to the head of social services detailing their concerns and reasons for advising against this. Ask them to copy you in.
Get in touch with you local councillor and tell them your concerns.
Get in touch with the Family Rights Group for advice.

Can you ask for a different case worker? Sorry I don't know much about ss. This sounds awful and the opposite to what should be happening.

I think you need to find legal advice and fast.

I totally agree with others - Just keep saying no. You have young children in your care who have been abused by the very person SS want you to take in.

Maybe I'm being naïve - but would SS seriously take you to court to force you to open your door to someone who admits he has sexually abused a sibling ?

I'd be making contact with my MP as well.
Were the police involved ? if So have they commented ?

Stick with your solicitor, if he’s good and involved then he’ll have your back covered. Get as much help as you can from the school as well.
they have truly lost their minds if they think that “it happens a lot” is an excuse. Appalling

Gosh that sounds so hard. I agree with others ask for a different case worker. Can you also contact your MP for advice?

Sorry my post crossed with yours

At the moment none! Social have done nothing but try to manipulate me into having him home. They want him to be watched 24/7 and not left unattended. That’s all they’ve said.
Well it’s not really a summer house, it’s a shed, no heating, no water, just a bed. I don’t think being in a shed isolated with no interaction whatsoever (especially during the 6 week summer holidays) is going to benefit his mental health in any way. He’s allowed in the house to use the toilet and that is all because the other child he abused lives in their house.
My 4yo is kicking and screaming getting into bed at night, but the last few nights I’ve been telling him he’s safe and no one’s going to touch him or hurt him etc and then he’s been going off to sleep nicely, and he’s started eating meals again, he’s very cuddly and wants me close etc. My 13yo is angry and keeps hitting walls and things, she’s upset because it’s a brother from each of her families so it’s hit her very hard. Her dad was trying to cover it up so she’s angry at him too and doesn’t want contact with him.
My 5yo has no clue why his big brother isn’t at home and keeps asking for him but I’ve told him he’s looking after granny as she’s poorly.
The DSL’s at each school have been really good, they’ve been checking in and putting things in place for them from September in terms of counselling for all of them and exit pass etc (for my 13yo)

Call their bluff! They are expecting you to back down and accept him home. Probably because they have neither a placement for him nor the funds to pay for it.
Ask the social worker to put it in writing that
they acknowledge that he sexually abused his siblings and that they take responsibility for the consequences of him coming home.
The will run a mile!

I asked for a different social worker 2 weeks ago and they’ve kept the same one, I even had a zoom call with the Social worker, assistant manager and manager - they are all saying the same thing. It feels like it’s the easy option for them, because homing him would be very difficult with what he’s done he could only go to a home with no children. I was considering contacting a local mp my sister knows quite well - I think I will and see what he makes of all this, none of it is making sense to me 😭

All of the DSL’s have said they’ve put in complaints to SS and even the police officer I spoke to agreed he shouldn’t be coming home.
Thank you I will make contact with them tomorrow! And contact the local mp and see what they make of it, because it’s definitely not how this should be going.

hes got a bed in the summer house. if SS are happy for him to sleep there, then why aren't you?

Was he reported to the police? Was he charged? Is he on the sex offenders register?

Im not going to get in to a dialogue about social workers / manipulation etc as it’s not helpful.

Lots of SW’s lack experience in this area.

Has your son been charged or convicted in relation to the behaviours?

What assessments have been undertaken in relation to the behaviours? Is there a view about what has led him to behave in this way? You and his dad should be involved in these assessments as his carers.

Is the SW trained in Aim3, or other tools where they assess your son?

What support / interventions are they offering to put in place for him?

You could try speaking to Lucy Faithfull Foundation or Stop it Now for advice.

Try to reframe your thoughts and language - he is not an abuser he is a child and something has led to him displaying harmful sexual behaviours. He deserves to have access to robust assessment’s, therapeutic interventions and support from professionals who have the right skills and experience.

He also deserves to be treated as a child and not as an adult was offender.

Read the children act. Read all acts that pertain to children but I think it's the children's act you need.

My situation is very different but I have a violent child who was hurting his siblings to their point he pushed one into a road and if I hadn't pulled her back by her hair she would be dead. Multiple incidents like this and I'm begging for help and SS trot out the accusations of neglect when you say you can't keep a child in your home.

Anyway I'm the children's act it sets out your responsibility as a parent. Keeping your children safe and providing a safe home etc. I quoted this to SS. Said without support I would be breaking the law as I know my children were not safe. I then also quoted their own responsibilities at them -to protect ALL my children if they are at risk of serious harm etc. I put it in a formal complaint and they ignored me. So I complained again and sent it to the local MP (who did fuck all except email them and say please deal with this). But it triggered a few hours of respite for me and support getting my dd to school safely when I have care of her brother. My violent child is autistic so over time we are making progress and it's different to your situation but the laws are the same and you can quote them. And don't be cowed by the threats of neglect charges you just quote the law and you will be fine. I know people don't like to acknowledge it but SS make unfounded threats like this all the time to scare parents into compliance or to shut them up- they don't have the resources to help all the kids who need help so often resort to dirty tactics where they can. In reality they can't take you to court for negligent and they know it

There will also need to be a discussion with your son’s school. Risk assessments about who he is safe to be left with, who is assessed as being at risk etc.

Because my 4yo and the autistic 8yo he done it too wouldn’t tell the police and SS what they told us the police can’t do anything. They said had it not been a family member they would take it more seriously 😧 he’s admitted doing it and said he did it because he had his phone took away because of some other things he was doing that weren’t appropriate.

as I’ve said, it’s not just that he has to sleep in it, he would be living in it, he’s only allowed to go into the house to use the toilet. He’s been suffering with his mental health for a long time, despite having counselling, therapies and anxiety medication, so being in a shed all day every day with no one to talk too etc isn’t going to do his mental health any good.

Op is trying to get him this help. She doesn't want him sleeping in a shed, she is trying to access support for all of her children