Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

Thank you for your kind words and strength. I can honestly say I never imagined I’d be in this situation, he’s always struggled with his mental health but this is just beyond what any of us ever thought would happen. My heart is shattered, my worlds been ripped apart, and all of the children feel the same and there’s been no support just threats. I really hope I can get him the appropriate help and support he truly needs, to save him from himself annd save other children that he may hurt if he doesn’t get it. X

I'm so sorry OP. How utterly heartbreaking.

I don't have any practical advice but...was your eldest abused by someone else? You said the father of your youngest children abused you - did he do the same to your eldest? And/or sexually abuse him? Your eldest needs serious professional help - I hope he gets it (and I appreciate that's what your trying so hard to get for him).

Jesus fcuking christ..

Many a time I've spoken up for social services - because of how challenging their role is, how sometimes their hands are tied by budgetary restraints or policies and procedures, how their main function is to help families and children, the wonderful resources they have, things like that.

This bullshit though? No way.

This is why social services aren't allowed to work in the same communities and places as they live in.

This is why hundreds of thousands of people across the UK think social services are nothing but a bunch of bitter, miserable, unprofessional, malignant cunts.

This is why they have to wear body cameras at work.

@TheGreenBee it is called Section 20

What is Section 20 accommodation?
Section 20 of the Children Act 1989 requires children’s services to provide accommodation to certain children in need in their area. Section 20 is used to house children who cannot live with their parents. Although Section 20 agreements have no time limit, they should not be used as a long-term solution.
Children’s services has a duty to accommodate under section 20 if:

• No-one has parental responsibility for the young person or
• The young person is lost or abandoned or
• The person who has been caring for the young person is unable to continue to provide suitable care and accommodation.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages

I did think this could have maybe happened to him, not from my ex but someone from school or something because he had some very disturbing messages etc on his phone a couple of months before all this. But he swore to me nothing of the sort happened to him and that he was just becoming curious and trying to get attention etc with the things he was saying. He’s always struggled with his mental health and anger etc, he’s attacked his sister twice beating her up. So we got him some pvt counselling, therapy etc and he throws up everyday from anxiety so he’s on medication too. But this is just way too far and he needs more help than what he’s already had. When he was asked why he’s done this to his two brothers he said he done it because we confiscated his phone.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It all sounds extremely hard for you and your children. Sadly sibling sexual abuse is thought to be one of the most common forms of sexual abuse, but it is rarely talked about.
Your 15 year old will not be placed in foster care as it is extremely unlikely that any foster carer would accept him. He is not eligible for a young offenders institution place as it is only for those who are in the criminal justice system. He is not. The police can not legally do anything as the children will not tell the police what happened.
In terms of what you do, listen to your solicitor, not anyone else. If your solicitor is advising you that you can refuse to have him home, then believe that advice. It may be theoretically possible to force you to care for your 15 year old legally, but your solicitor will understand whether a court would actually grant that.
I think though you need to understand that your 15 year old is unlikely to get any specialist support. He is more likely to be put in a children's home and potentially a hostel from 16 years old. You may also find that because you have said no to him coming home, that legally you get no or very little say in what happens to him next.
It is not wrong to put your other children first though. But I just wanted you to understand that your idea of your 15 year old getting specialist support is extremely unlikely to happen.

Thank you 🙏🏼

Just to add, there is not enough research on children who sexually abuse their siblings. But from the existing research we know that although some of the children who abuse have themselves been abused, not all have.

Thank you, I appreciate you shooting straight. It’s just so messed up, he needs proper help with his mental health because the counselling, therapy and meds and everything we’ve done as parents just hasn’t been enough and that’s hard to admit, that I’ve failed him and I can’t help him and protect my other 3 at the same time.

As a foster carer, I can tell you, no, there will be no foster care placement. Foster homes are families, this is a person not suitable to be in a family. No foster carer is going to agree to watching him constantly. Why would they?

He could potentially go into a children's home but realistically, he is 15, so less than a year from going into a hostel for homeless, anyway.

I'd take the shed in the short term. It is a bed, and if his father is prepared to supervise him when he comes into the house to use the toilet...

@TheGreenBee there are specialist projects in some areas run for children who have been sexually abused and their families. NSPCC and Save the Children run some. It would be worth finding out what is available in your area. Because as well as your children, you need support as well. You are going through a lot at the moment.
I think one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent is that we can not always stop our children and adult children doing bad things, and we can not always protect our children no matter how much we try. You need support from someone who understands fully what it is like to come to terms with this.

I too have always praised SW’s for their work, as I’m familiar with safeguarding from my previous role. Maybe I misplaced my faith, & it’s hit me harder that they haven’t been supportive in any way and the “solutions” they’ve offered aren’t viable solutions. I understand that it will be hard for them to home him somehow, but surely there are options for specific cases like this. My head feels like mash rn.

I think you need to stop thinking of him as someone who needs help and support and see him for what he actually is, nearly 16, old enough to take responsibility for his actions, and a person who has chosen to be a criminal. There is no help and support that exists that can change that, except he choses to stop being a criminal. And that is all well and good, but his family can never trust him again ever, in his life.

In looking for this non existent "specialist help and support" you are simply chasing unicorns. You need to work within what is possible. Him being away from other younger siblings in a shed is possible. And moving into a hostel for the homeless at 16 is possible. When is his birthday? He will need to apply to the council

This is a really good shout, I’ve not had time to fall apart yet, but it will hit. Right now I’m in protector mode and trying to fight to get him the help he needs, but once the fights done and things calm a bit at home (if it ever does) that’s when I’ll need it

There are not really options though. I am not aware of any research that shows certain types of interventions can stop teenagers and others sexually abusing children. This is because the public are not interested in treatments they just want people who sexually abuse children, including teenagers who sexually abuse, to be thrown into jail.
Social workers do not always do a good job and have to work to tight budgets. But for the 16 year old, being housed in the glorified shed may well be a better option than a children's home and hostel at 16 years old.
But I also totally understand you putting your other children first.

where is he sleeping right now? When is he 16?

There isn't any "help he needs". What you are looking for doesn't exist. Nothing can undo what he has done, he can never go back to not being a sex offender. It was his decision, and you can't change it

@bridgetelizabeth That is an oversimplification. Lots of children grow up in divorced families where there has been domestic abuse, other step siblings, and sometimes multiple fathers. I highly doubt they all go on to sexually abuse their siblings.

That is completely unnecessary! The OP is going through more than enough and doesn't need your condemnation too. If you haven't got anything constructive to say bugger off!

yes, he has an option, he has a shed.

social services are not going to have places to "rehome" criminal 15 year olds, except children's homes, if there is a vacancy, or hostels for homeless.

I know two young men who live in sheds in their parents gardens, and entirely for reasons of choice, no issues in the families, at all. This works out fine in many cases. The only problem here is the possibility of having to use the toilet in the same house as a child he abused, so he will need supervision, or a chemical toilet outside.

Where is he sleeping right now?

I don't understand why he hasn't been reported to the police.

@bridgetelizabeth are you proud of yourself that you like to knock down mothers who are having a very hard time and come here seeking help?

@Bakersdozens he has been reported to the police. The abused children were not able to tell the police what happened, so the police could not do anything.

I beg to differ. A child very dear to me is a similar age and currently is residing in a children's home. They have been amazing and worked wonders for them. The staff have really advocated for them and provided the security and support they so desperately needed. I can honestly say that they have been amazing!