Social Services want my son to come home to me.. ***MNHQ adding content warning***

[TheGreenBee]

UK.

Social services want my 15yo to come back home to me after he has sexually abused my 4yo which is his brother and he’s also done this to his 8yo brother from his dads house too . I’ve been dealing with 4 safeguarding officers from each of my children’s schools and preschool - they all agree my 15yo should not come home.
Social services are threatening me with claims of neglect despite me begging them for help rehoming him and getting him the help he needs (he’s struggled for a long time with mental health and no one listens or helps and now it’s got way too far) I need to protect the innocent children I have at home, as well as try to find him somewhere safe & suitable to live etc & I keep being told he needs to come home.
His grandma had him a few days but said he had to go, his dad has suggested to social services that he stays in a summer house in his garden - which I’ve argued I don’t think is suitable at all and that he needs to be properly housed.
The social worker laughed at me when I suggested foster care & keeps threatening me and trying to blackmail me etc.
I’m waiting for her report and recommendations but she’s already suggested to me that my 3 other children go to live with their dads and I have my 15yo home but I don’t want to do that, they need their mum more than anything right now and I need them too. I know my 15yo needs help and support too, but I can’t help him in the ways he needs and I feel so hurt and angry and broken over it all I don’t want to look at him or talk to him.
Does anyone have any useful advice on a situation like this?
I feel like the social worker has lost her marbles? Or have I? My head and heart are f*cked tbh.

Because everyone that gets abused asks for it? I fully take responsibility for my shit show of a life. I came here for some advice on how I can help my son, whilst keeping my other children safe, not for you to have a rant at me. My sons not been abused, I have and I escaped that to protect my children so obviously it’s a broken home. I could have stayed so he could continue to see it and not have a broken home? Would that have been better? I’ve done everything I’ve needed too in terms of fighting to get him help and support, paying for counselling, taking him to different therapies and drs appointments not put my head in the sand and ignored it, like some would. He’s sexually abused two of his brothers, and I’m still trying to get him a proper level of help and support aren’t I? And if I’m that awful of a mum why were the other children perfectly happy and healthy until this? And why are SS desperate for him to come back home if my shit show of a life is that damaging? I’ve always been on his side, I’ve sat up with him for 6 hours a night with him crying with his head on my lap, comforting him and talking to him and explaining different things to him, I’ve cleared up his sick when he’s thrown up 7x a day from his anxiety and the thoughts in his head, I’ve sat with him all night while he cried and told me hates himself and doesn’t want to be in this world anymore, I’ve told him how amazing he is, how much he’s loved and all the ways he could change the world if he channelled these emotions into the right places and so much more - just as a mum should do. I’ve never, and still haven’t even after this, given up on him.

@bridgetelizabeth That was uncalled for. I don't see the OP blaming everyone else for what has happened and leaving herself scot free. She's trying to find help for her son and his siblings - help that may not exist, but she's trying anyway.

She is between the devil and the deep blue and kicking her when she's down isn't helpful.

They want you to take him home because finding a placement for him that has space for him and can provide what he needs will cost a fortune which they won’t want to pay

what kind of placement does he have now and who is funding that

@Bakersdozens seriously you think that because two young people you know of have made a choice to live in a shed that the OPs son - with mental health issues- will too? The situations are not remotely comparable!

He needs support and supervision not almost literally being kicked out into the doghouse.

Wow, what a weird response. A few cushions, a throw and a “live, laugh, love” sign on the wall…problem solved 😂. Absolutely mental!

Thank you 💔

I can't imagine how tough this is for you.

Tell SW that you want it in.writing that they acknowledge that your 15yo has SA'd your younger child as well as a child in another home yet they are insisting that he returns to either your family home or the grounds of the home of his other victim.

Contact your MP.

Keep in touch with your solicitor.

Very very last case scenario should all of the above fail; would the threat of going public ie to the media to expose their incompetence and failure to safeguard children put the frighteners up SW?

Good luck, this must be tearing you apart.

I got as far as a trip to Dunelm to make a shed nice and lost it. Ffs, a shed is no place for any 15 year old, especially a 15 year old with these issues, Dunelm done up or not. I literally cannot believe that some people seem to think this is a good idea for any of the DC or the OP.

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family. I would stick to the advice of the solicitor and remain strong. You need to protect your younger dc atm, they are your priority. How can you safeguard them with him in the house? How can you watch your 15 year old 24/7? How is it in your youngest dc best interests to have their abuser brother living with them. Obviously you can't and it isn't. Don't doubt yourself, stay strong.

I hope you fall off that high horse and land flat on your face. What a judgemental asshole you are. The OP is going through hell and trying to figure out the best way forward and doesn't need your complete bullshit feral comments.

OP - ignore this absolute toss pot. I hope you are OK. You sound like a great mother with everything you are trying to do to be in the best interests of all involved. Please take some time for yourself if you can, I hope you have a strong support network? 💛

Just to add, when it comes to child protection social workers they often deal with cases where a child is suspected of being abused by a parent. So it is fairly normal for those parents to complain about the social worker and ask for a change of social worker. As a result social services generally will not change social workers for you unless there is a very good reason.

I'm very suprised that the social worker laughed. There's nothing funny about this situation. That in itself is something I would complain about.

I suggest that you contact (in writing via email) the Director of Children and Young People in the local authority and raise you're concerns. Your younger children need to be protected. I'd also copy in the Chief Executive.

The higher you take it, the more you're listened to.

OP, you don't need to respond on here, but can you say what area you're in. Send me a PM if you want further advice, as I'm mindful of privacy and confidentiality for both of us.

I know several social workers and can ask for advice on your behalf, as they would know the right things you should be saying.

I understand this, but if I had anything to hide I wouldn’t have been the one to call SS and the police and the schools DSL’s. I asked for a different SE because when she came to visit us at home she didn’t understand half of what I was explaining - to the point the police officer actually shouted it at her and done the actions, and on top of that she sat there laughing while I was in tears begging for help. But when I spoke with the assistant manager and manager they’ve agreed with her that he should come home. It’s all so messed up.

@bridgetelizabeth I have reported your post. Nasty and utterly uncalled for.

Thank you so much, I will definitely email them and see what they say about the situation any help or advice would be appreciated, I’ll try anything

Thank you for being kind, it’s a heartbreaking situation for myself and all of the children, and I do take responsibility we’ve not had an easy ride, but my children have and always come first. I’ve not spoken to many people besides DSL’s, SW’s and police tbh, we have a couple of good people around us, but atm it’s just taking each day as it comes and trying to get through it as best as possible

but he has admitted it, and there ae witnesses, so yes, they can

OP, where is your 15 year old staying right now?

There aren’t witnesses, my 4yo told me and the 8yo told his mum (and showed her) he has admitted it but the police said they won’t be able to just use his admission incase he retracts it later on or claims he was coerced into making an admission. If the little ones do one day speak up about it to their DSL’s at school or someone outside of the family they will take it further. But for now the police said their hands are tied.

15 y.o. Needs specialized help, you cannot provide.

Its a safeguarding issue for you to have him at home.

You must refuse because of child safety.

Push to get residential placement in MH unit or an appropriate residential school.

You can refuse on “safeguarding” grounds. You must protect the child who has been harmed previously.

Do you qualify for legal aid? Get a lawyer.

He has made decisions that have put himself in that situation. He can make the decision to make the best of it. It is a perfectly good offer

He does need specialised help, the things we’ve done already or put in place haven’t been enough even when we’ve thought it was working, and now it’s gone too far.
I have to stand my ground on this, the innocents come first, but I do still want to try and get things in place for him if I can, I have to keep trying

Have you answered the questions and have I missed it?

where is he sleeping now? When is he 16?

In a shed, no heating, no water, just a bed. I don’t think being in a shed isolated with no interaction whatsoever (especially during the 6 week summer holidays) is going to benefit his mental health in any way. He’s allowed in his dads house to use the toilet and that is all because the other child he abused lives in the house, which also must be very painful for him seeing him daily.

In the shed. 16 in 6months, but they have to legally be housed til 18, I too thought 16.

I'm not at all knowledgeable on this so forgive me if it's a stupid question - might it be possible to get the two victims to say what happened and be recorded, and this passed to the police rather than them have to speak about it with strangers in an uncomfortable setting? Just a thought.