Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

Their children tantrum even when they have the prized possessions in their hand.

No child needs to be bought a toy every outing, they just don’t. It’s ridiculous.

I agree with explaining why, if your child is an age where they can understand that - my poor long-suffering DC have had it explained to them many times how I can’t just get them whatever they fancy as we need to use most of our money for things we need, food etc - and I have also wanged on about how kids (or anyone) who get new/expensive stuff all the time don’t get as much excitement and fun out of it as it’s normal for them. Plus they’ll get a shock when they’re adults and find it’s pretty hard to maintain that lifestyle.

I’ve also had this with sweets - I’m not anti-sweets/sugar but small amounts only - when friends get their kids huge amounts of sweets I tell my DC they are not getting the same because I don’t want them to have bad teeth/feel unwell, and it’s better to have a smaller amount and appreciate it more.

Of course I’ve bored them rigid and annoyed them at times but I have found it’s sunk in now they’re teenagers. They understand there isn’t an endless amount of money and it has to come from somewhere and a household has a limited budget.

it sucks though when you have an upset child. It’s part of the whole “you’re their parent not their best friend” thing and you have to be prepared to make them sad by saying no, which is really hard.

Their children tantrum even when they have the prized possessions in their hand.

I wouldn't want to go out with them. They sound awful. Do your children enjoy their company?

No it isn't.

Yes, it is, especially in the context of this thread.

I would not go away with them to places like zoos or farm parks. Just go with them to the local park or trampoline park where there aren't going to be gifts shops there or invite them to your house to play. Then go to farm parks etc. on your own or with other friends.

We do big days out most weekends so I don’t want to buy a toy from every place, especially if it’s something he only wants in the moment and would have no place on his Christmas list usually. He doesn’t care when we are on our own or if we are with other friends, but he does care when we are with them because we can’t even nip into Tesco for a drink/picnic without them emerging with a toy.
People are saying to leave earlier but we usually spend weekends/holidays together so at the end of the day out we eat dinner together and go back to the same hotel/campsite. We don’t mind treats but it’s the excessive nature of it.

Also agree it’s good to avoid putting them through it all the time. If you have friends who are really bad for this, look for ways to avoid it and do different things with them (eg playdates at home) and go to museums etc with friends who have a similar approach to you. It’s part of the whole minefield of bringing up kids.

Yes same.

It's generally more tat as well. Not well made, thoughtfully chosen toys they've wanted for a while and can anticipate.

It's getting children used to instant gratification.

And it's shit for the planet.

We would all do well to encourage our children to consume a lot less than we do.

We do big days out most weekends so I don’t want to buy a toy from every place, especially if it’s something he only wants in the moment and would have no place on his Christmas list usually.

Horses for courses isn't it. Some would say big days out most weekends was spoilt. For us, big days out are a treat.

I would bet quite a lot of money that the child who gets something at every day out 'as a wee reminder' couldn't tell you where the vast majority of them came from...

I always check with friends even when it comes to passing an ice cream van with our kids to make sure we do the same thing - it’s not fair on the kids otherwise and makes our lives easier too. And I say this with a DD, 5, who gets bought a lot of things from gift shops by her many relatives. I’d rather her kick off than flaunt a toy in front of a friend.

But why would you want to encourage children to grow up into adults who 'collect stuff'?

No brainer. Why would you do this to your DC?

The fact your title describes your friend's children as spoilt says it all. The actual problem is how to parent your own child so he doesn't get meltdowns, and it has nothing do with the other family who you're placing all the blame on. Like PPs have said, easiest way is just to separate when the other children are getting something. Tell him a white lie that what they have is a belated birthday gift, a replacement for a toy they lost or something like that. How difficult can that be?

We buy DD lots of things, including gift shop toys and concert merch as souvenirs of nice experiences we had together as a family. Lots of stuff do get forgotten which get donated but a few things get continuously played with and she loves talking about the place or day she got it from. I find material gifts far better than using food or sugar as a reward. A day out does not invariably involve a giant piece of cake or cotton candy, but she can look forward to picking out something from a gift shop or a stuffed mascot toy. It's not an issue for us financially and if that's the "norm" for her life, I don't see why people like OP feel so entitled to sneer at kids like that for being spoilt.

As mentioned before, I am stricter when it comes to diet. This is also hard to regulate when she's out with people who allow their kids to have adult sized portions of soft drink, cake and ice cream and I'm obviously in no position to comment in front others about what they serve their kids. Nothing is banned at home but she always get very small portion sizes of unhealthier food and she also understands the rule of not being allowed another ice if she already had one that day. So if we're out with friends, she can regulate herself around junk food even if she sees other kids having no rules at all.

You get tantrums now. You can deal with it.

Do you want a teenager who doesn't understand that they can't have everything and throws a tantrum if they don't? Do you want a teenager who doesn't respect their parent saying no?

If you do stay friends, you will have the last laugh...

You either have to find a solution to help your son not have a tantrum each time this happens - or not go out with these people.

Take a toy from home to give to him, one that he loves to play with, or keep taking him away form the shop and giving him your attention doing something nice.

In life though he will not have everything his peers have and so it is a situation to learn how to deal with, and for you to help him overcome his emotions - which are real and valid

But my DC doesn’t cry and tantrum if we stay at home at the weekend, he doesn’t demand and expect it every time like they do with the toys. So it is different to me.

I would stop going to those kind of places with this family. Stick to parks, swimming, stuff where there isn't a gift shop.

This kind of thing does crop up in various situations though. My kids are adults now but I had a lovely friend who allowed her kids to charge around restaurants whilst they were waiting for their meal. I hated it and hated the fact I had to keep telling mine to sit down, that it wasn't acceptable etc. I stopped eating out with her until the kids were all older, or just met her alone.

as ive said many times before…enjoying the day and a gift are not mutually exclusive events if you bring your child up to appreciate both

I'm not a big fan of overpriced tat at giftshops, but i'm a sucker for certain types of souvenirs/collectibles. As a compromise, you could allocate a small sum of money to spend, so your dc could choose - a toy, a book, a bag of sweets maybe?

I think there has to be compromise. I used to buy my kids something on 'big' days out or if there was something really special that they specifically wanted. They still have the wands from the Harry Potter studio tour and the jellycats we bought at the zoo, which they just fell in love with.
I'd often give them a budget for a little something, so dd could buy a crystal, when she was into all that stuff. But not every time. I don't think it's good to just buy things for the sake of it. As it is, my kids had far more toys than they knew what to do with and I'm still trying to filter some of them out of my house now and oldest is 27!

I think buying all the time means kids don't appreciate treats, so it actually deprives them of something valuable, if you just buy whatever they ask for, whether they really want it or not! And it encourages kids to grow up thinking that buying stuff is the way to be happy.

So if your DC doesn't cry or tantrum, why are you so bothered about what your friends children do? It's really none of your business.

OP's son doesn't cry or tantrum when out with just his own family, because he doesn't expect to get a toy. He does when out with these friends because they get so much more than him (very few six year olds would be happily accepting of that!), to the extent that OP has no desire to match them.