Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

This. Parents need to rein this in because you aren’t doing your DC any favours if you buy them something every time you go out. You’re training them to have a lifetime of buying stuff - and unless they’re very well paid they’re going to end up maxing out credit cards if they take spending for granted.

Op, I’d reduce the joint days out and perhaps let them take their pocket money when you do go out with these friends - and see if they still want something then. DC do need to learn the lesson of wasting money - and it’s far better that they learn it with £5 when they’re 6 than with £100s when they’re 18.

My own child has autism and ADHD and I just wouldn't put him through it.

I don't know if you know this but small stressor for neurotypical people like not getting a toy when others are can cause PTSD in those of us with autism. In this case because it's a huge social injustice and we cannot perceive at such a young age why we are less than they are when we don't perceive hierarchy.

By age 10 we experience thousands of traumas more than our NT peers. In adulthood over 80% of us have significant mental health issues.

I just would not take my son out with these people unless I was prepared to rectify the injustices he perceives. In this case, you can't stop your friend buying her children toys because there actually isn't anything wrong with that, so you can either keep going out which will be traumatic for your child with emotional regulation issues or you can do something solo with your child.

Yes, I know what you meant. But it’s still ridiculous.

exactly this

I almost never buy DD something from the gift shop, she is 3.5

I remember going to a farm with my in laws and BIL really judged us for not buying my DD something from the gift shop, she was 5 months old at the time.. literally had no idea, some people are odd.

It must be hard when they're buying stuff every time and it makes you DD feel left out. But for what it's worth I agree with you, it's a waste of money and doesn't teach the children the value of money or gift giving.

'I think there's some crossed wires on this thread, maybe with people having different ideas of frequency of days out?'

I absolutely agree with this.

I imagine the posters who are horrified at the idea of a present every time, are sahps and a trip to the zoo or a farm is a daily occurrence with annual memberships; and the present every time posters are wohps for whom a trip to the zoo is a big day out once a month who want to make the occasion special.

Neither right nor wrong here, but it's an apples and oranges type comparison.

I don't buy toys on every day out. Again we can afford it, however I don't want my house any more full of plastic tat, than it already is. My kids both accept no, as they know I don't change my mind. Ride out the tantrums it'll be worth it in the long-run.

It's difficult. I must admit I usually allowed my children to buy something from the gift shop after a special day out, especially if it was somewhere we hadn't been before. But I would have a limit on the cost.

It's surely nobody else's business how someone wants to spend their money. If you don't like it, find other friends to go out with?

Another thought - most attractions have their gift shops online nowadays, so you could go with the approach 'If you still want it in a week's time, ask me and I'll order it for you." There's a high chance they won't still want it by then. If it happens to be something quite generic, like a toy lion from the zoo, you might find it much cheaper elsewhere if they do bring it up.

I'm Team Skip The Gift Shop and a WOHP, we probably do about ten days out over the year I'd say? My DC definitely don't need ten more toys (each, so twenty in total...) and nor does the landfill they would ultimately end up in.

ETA - I don't think a toy makes the day any more Special, I think it makes the day more Stuff.

I would just separate from your friend before you get to the area to buy toys. Explain ahead and just be honest. Say you do not want your dc to be upset when they are not getting a toy and you do not want to buy them a toy each time. So towards the end of the museum trip or wherever, just say goodbye and go separate ways (perhaps you walk out first if you must pass the gift shop).

We buy either a pen, eraser or bookmark from gift shops as something to remember but not a toy. Small and useful.

We’ve experienced this before, I just stay really firm and explain that it’s up to them if they want to buy stuff but we will save it for something she really wants and has earned reward stars for. She’s only 5 and actually gets that most of this stuff is rubbish that she doesn’t need. Most of it ends up in landfill in the not too distant future - no wonder the planet is on fire!

Of course its bloody spoiled. They are being "spoiled" for the future. The day out is the treat but if the parents are buying them things every time they go anywhere and they are kicking-off at age 6, God help them when they get a bit older. Just because you can afford to do it doesn't mean that you should.

If they get presents every time they leave the house it hardly makes birthdays and Christmases special. What do they expect then?

Do they buy all this stuff as a bribe to make the kid go out with them?

I expect its just another by-product of the fucking internet - "look what we bought for little Johnny when we went to such and such a place", "aren't we wonderful parents for spending all this money on our darling child (spoilt brat)?

If kids don't have proper values instilled in them at an early age they are just going to get more obnoxious as they get older.

If you don't want your own child to be like this you will have to stop going out with them as a family. Some kids do genuinely have ADHD but I suspect a lot are just chucking a temper tantrum because they don't get their own way all the time. These are the ones who other people don't want to be around. Surely you want your children to be liked and to be proud of them when you are out in public. Unruly children can ruin a day out for everyone who is at the venue/event etc, so don't let your kids be "those kids".

DC have long since left home land I was having a good clear out of stuff. There were 5 full black bin bags full of soft toys. Some gifts along the years, some (Ty babies) they'd bought with pocket money, a load of McDonald's crap and just a few bought in gift shops after days out. They have no interest in any of it, certainly not "to remember the day by", and probably didn't much at the time either. The better pieces will go to charity shop/church fair, but the rest no doubt into land fill. That embarrasses me, and perhaps Jesus did weep!

Your last paragraph is horribly ableist @VeryHappyBunny .

I was really tight with my dc.
My dgc just get whatever they want if I’m there and my dc stand there, mouths open saying ‘we weren’t allowed all this.’ 😂

They’re not traumatised though. Lovely, sensible adults with good values.

My children are older now, but in the past when we'd visit places with friends or family the adults would discuss what was going to happen at the gift shop, just to make the day more enjoyable for everyone.

No one wants a howling child, and while we all choose to parent our kids as we see fit, some awareness of others is just a nice way to behave. I'd feel really uncomfortable showering my children with gift after gift if other children weren't going to the gift shop or the £ was wildly different.

Obviously there are always some imbalances and kids need to learn that, but such huge differences doesn't make for a good day out.

This extends to food planning e.g. getting a hot dog at the venue vs bringing a packed lunch.

Actually it is spoiling. Kids then focus on the material part of the day rather than enjoying the activity.

This is exactly what my nephews do. They will have just gone through the entrance and they’re already discussing what they’re going to buy in the gift shop at the end. They don’t care about the actual event or place that we’re visiting, they’re completely focussed on what they’re going to buy. They also don’t seem to see it as a lovely present, but as a right, so they’re not even grateful, it’s pretty disgusting to watch. The worst though, is that when I take my little boy out at the end, avoiding the gift shop and keeping him busy with other stuff while we wait for them, my SIL will appear with a present for my son. Even though we’ve told her repeatedly he doesn’t need or want anything, then she’ll expect us to fall over ourselves with gratitude that she’s deigned to buy him some tat. It makes me so incredibly angry.

Well YOU have decided not to let your kid have anything... thats not their fault.

If anything it makes it awkward for everyone else that your kid is tantrum because you think your being more moral.

'Spoilt' isn't what a child has its their behavior. Kids that throw fits and causing drama every outing are the ones that are 'spoilt' because they are learning to harbor bitter resentment at unfairness that they will usually carry for life.

Its better to buy something cheap even if its a lolly or a keepsake flattened coin etc... than let them tantrum and ruin everyone else's day. I bet the kid getting the toy isn't the one creating on going drama every single outing. Happy kids don't tend to.

I remember back in the 90s going on play dates and the other family refusing to buy their kid food because they 'don't spend money on stuff they already have at home'. It was moral and they refused to let others buy or share food for/with their kid too. They would then sit and judge you as you ate while their kid cried from hunger... needless to say it ruined everyones day and there was no need for it over say a 99p tray of chips.

Would you do the same if you were out with someone that you knew couldn't afford it?

In your opinion. You don't know what other people's kids focus on or how they enjoy the activity.

This is such a good take. I'd be following this advice, have a break and see where things are at in a couple of months.