Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

@Bedroomdilemmas113 how old is your DD?

@housethatbuiltme

i don’t think you always should buy stuff to ward off a tantrum. Sometimes tantrums just need to be tolerated.

Then there really is a simple solution.

Don't go. Go out on your own, is it necessary to go everywhere with friends?

OP's friends don't have to change their behaviours because it upsets her son, she's the parent, she needs to change hers.

So stay at home then!

Clearly it is less emotionally dysregulating for your DC. They are not developmentally ready to understand why it's just the way it is that some people have more in this world.

Yes, it would be nice if you could give them all of these worldly experiences but they won't remember the good bits if they're massively overshadowed by the bad bits.

Make days out less frequent.

Who are you even going on these day trips for if it makes them so upset at the end of each trip because they can't buy something?

None of your busness.

Spending £150 on merch for the kids on every single outing is obviously mental. Quite baffling that anyone wouldn't think those kids are spoilt! As a normal parent without tons of cash, I'd sometimes buy my kids something if there was a thing they particularly wanted, but generally I wouldn't waste money on tat. I just told them I couldn't afford it, which was true, and they understood that. Generally so long as they got an icecream they were happy anyway!

I'd avoid the drama by just not going out with them.

I’d stop going out with the friends. The vast majority of gift shop tat is mass produced in China and shipped here in container after container. To eventually go to landfill. All that pollution just to stop a child “ kicking off”

I never buy my children anything from gifts shops. Because I never did they never expected it. We made friends with a family who were always buying their children gifts when out and I now only go on park dates with them as my children starting asking for presents and complaining when I said no. I could afford to buy them gifts on days out but I don't want to for many reasons

I think it is tricky having days our with other families when you do things differently.

Yes, this.
If you "can afford it" , why don't you do something similar for your son?
The poster nailed it.
By the way, I'm 45, no kids, husband is 75 and we do this for ourselves.
I don't mean toys or screaming tantrums, that's not the way we were brought up, I mean small treats (and the occasional teddy bear).
As posters say, you live only once.
😊

Ok so I need to end the friendship because the end of every activity makes my DC sad. I’m obviously a monster and a terrible mother for not buying junk everywhere I go. Noted. We don’t have this problem with any of our other friends because nobody else is this frivolous and excessive. We love spending time with them until their wallet comes out.

Very hard situation.

One possible thing that might help is write a social story. Look them up if you don’t know what they are. Explain the whole situation, why things are the way they are, but keep it as positive as you can. Then read it with him frequently, at times when he’s calm and you aren’t just about to go on one of these trips or have just come back from one. It gives you the chance to properly think and then put into words what’s happening and why and gives you a chance to explain when he’s not already upset.

Another option is compromise. Increasingly as your child ages they are influenced by people other than you, and what you would ideally want for your child becomes harder to achieve. Working with your child so you get them to state what they would ideally like to happen, you state what your concerns are about said thing, and then they, possibly with help, come up with a solution that might be acceptable to both of you.

Also, books. Books have fixed prices on them, so if you were going to buy new rather than second hand books anyway, getting them in a gift shop doesn’t feel quite as much like you are being fleeced and has educational benefits too.

Pocket money is also an option. Give you child control over whether they spend it on tat, save it, spend it in expensive shops or cheaper ones.

They are obviously very good friends if you are spending lots of w/e's and holidays together. Have you talked to them about it?
It seems strange to be such good friends with people who hold such different values/opinions to you.

The title alone is pretty judgemental!

It's accurate though!!

Ok so i don’t take my kids out everyday but when we do go out they always get something from the gift shop, as a souvenir/reminder of they day, i set a price limit, they pick what they want within that limit and everyone is happy 👍🏻 xx if my friend who doesn’t want to get her child stuff has issue with me getting my child a new gift then thats her issue, don’t like it don’t come with. Also i would be pretty upset if said friend was then calling my child/children spoilt xx

I wouldn't go out with them. Their child sounds awfully spoilt, and what a massive waste of the earth's resources. kids don't need a bit of plastic tat to 'remember' the day.

Most parents don't make decisions on what they buy their DC based purely on what the parents can afford, because the scale of money that children and adults operate on are very different.

I could afford to buy my DC everything they want up to say, a fiver or a tenner, but I don't because that doesn't teach them the value of money or how to deal with a "no".

A fiver to me is a coffee with change left over. To my DC it's five teeth under the pillow. Different scales.

god more crap for landfill, or creating a future hoarder.

I think you need to end the friendship because you are clearly jealous of their income and describing their spending behaviour as frivolous, excessive etc. Buying children too many things does not exactly fit in the category of abuse. The children are happy, they have their needs met, they are getting a good day out with their siblings, parents and friends.

Nobody likes having their behaviour judged when it was clearly not done with malice or fit in any category of abuse. Least of all from a "friend" which means that person is definitely not a true friend to begin with. To be honest, they can probably sense the disapproval coming from you by now. People are not stupid. You can expect to dropped by this family in the near future anyway and they'll most likely move on to socialising with wealthier couples who don't judge their spending.

We have a great time when we’re together but our spending habits are world’s apart. I suppose it didn’t matter when I could hide it from young DC but now it’s just too obvious to hide.

A bit dramatic- I have older teens see my previous post and I just haven’t found this to be the case at all, unlike the OP though we weren’t going to special days out very weekend, equally we would often go with my Mum and she wanted to treat them. It wasn’t every time but I don’t see any correlation, my eldest in sixth form is almost the opposite and will insist he doesn’t need as much money as I am offering him now or he’ll insist on buying second hand and doesn’t want expensive new clothes!

But we are the wealthier family…

We pass all his toys on to either his cousins or a charity shop when he’s too old for them, but please carry on with your petty judgment

Is it bad for kids to see other kids get stuff?

I grew up poor in the 90s, saw my friends get the popular toys for Christmas and birthdays. But kids aren’t stupid, I accepted that my parents couldn’t buy us those things as did my other poor friends. It taught me to save pocket money and Saturday job money to buy things I wanted. We are now in a position to move into a £1m+ home, because of the lesson learnt about saving money.

That's even better...🤐