Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

How does what you earn correlate in any way with whether you were spoilt or not? I wonder whether your children would rather have more of your time than what your earnings buy for them.

@Chartreux because people are saying it doesn’t set the child up well for the future, they get into debt, they don’t know the value of money, they won’t be resilient etc. I did just fine and I don’t think getting an elephant toy from the circus really had much bearing on that!

I agree this is a difficult situation. You can either stop these kind of outings, or buy your DS something in the gift shop. You are so lucky that your DS is happily spending time with these DCs, and in your situation I would be budgeting for the gift shop.

Parenting autistic kids can be incredibly isolating, so maybe balance the difficulty you are having with your friend's spending habits with the fact that you and your son have this positive relationship with another family.

This is great advice imo.

No need for that.

Just go out to activities that don’t involve a gift shop, like the park

Where do they put all their stuff in their house! It must be heaving! My 6 yo is a good girl but she would be very disappointed and say it’s not fair! And the kids in question aren’t learning good life lessons. Sadly I would go lc. We have close friends who are the same with food and my dc get sad they have to have wheatabix for breakie not a magnum and a pack of cookies so we limit contact now

When my DC were this age going to the farm/zoo/place if interest was the treat and apart from maybe an ice cream I couldn't usually afford to buy sonething there as well.

We generally only socialised with friends who mostly didn't get anything either so there wasn't a level of expectation. I do hate the places where the exit is through the gift shop so you couldn't avoid it, although I always prepped my DC that sorry we are going through the gift shop but we aren't buying anything.

@Saplingthing could you, at a separate time go with your DC to choose a special toy that is reserved for days out. So instead of buying sonething new, the treat is that the special bear/toy/whatever is part of the day out?

And @Chartreux i work 4 days a week 9-5 and spend the rest with my children. Times like this I hate mumsnet for some of the pure nastiness.

Could you give your DC their own pocket money to spend on souvenirs over the summer, making clear that once it's gone, it's gone, so they need to be careful what they spend it on? This would help teach them the value of money and give them some agency in the process so they don't have to be bystanders in the gift shop, but can choose whether to buy anything and how much to spend.

Following with interest, I'm in a similar position myself @Saplingthing, although to a lesser extent.

Don’t be ridiculous. What she means is she’s made it the norm for her child, why would she suddenly take it away from them for no other reason than to test them?!

This whole thing is ridiculous. We work hard and earn very well and built everything we have up from nothing. The absolute motivation and reason for this for both of us was the life we wanted our daughter to have. So when she came home chatting about an Air Wrap a couple of weeks ago, guess what? We bought her one. She loves it, and we love that she loves it.

She gets her nails, toes, etc professionally done before we go on holiday. She ‘expects’ it because it’s what we do. She would be disappointed and confused if I suddenly said no not this time. Not because she’s a brat, but because that is part of our ‘holiday routine’ which is all she knows and something she genuinely enjoys.

If we could no longer afford it, she wouldn’t throw herself to the ground kicking and screaming, but if I took it (or any of the other lovely things she has) away as a ‘test’ to see what her reaction was, that would definitely be cruel and unnecessary. We gave her these lovely experiences, routines, expectations. We created her world, as every parent does for their child either directly or indirectly. Their worlds may change, but they don’t need to change on a whim like we are puppet masters, seeing what happens if we move a piece differently….

@Bedroomdilemmas113 bang on.

I think there's some crossed wires on this thread, maybe with people having different ideas of frequency of days out?

Some people go on big days out every week, but most families I know do these sort of trips out (big attraction with a gift shop) every couple of months at most and yes a trip to the gift shop is part of the excitement / a nice way to round off the day. Their kids aren't getting stuff every time they go to Asda and they definitely aren't going to zoos/expensive entry farms every week.

So yeah when you hear people say "we get something from the gift shop every time" it can sound alot but realistically it's a token thing every few months.

People on here acting like it's going to result in poor disadvantaged adults with no money or friends just sound really over the top to be honest.

Can you set your DC's expectations in advance so he's not throw by the other child getting a toy and him going without? If he is waiting for an assessment for ASD I would guess the meltdowns are due to this and not him showing signs of greediness/ being spoilt. Is there a compromise position you can reach - that you'll get him one toy on this holiday and he can look out for the one he likes best and let you know. Set him a budget too so he can look within that budget. With clear rules and expectations, I think he will feel calmer about the whole thing.

Say you go out every weekend. That’s 50+ toys a year. Where does all this stuff go?

I used to work in an “attraction” there is a reason that you have to walk through the gift shop at the end . We made lots of profit on the themed tat that the children no doubt lose interest in after a few weeks . I feel sorry for parents on a limited budget who have saved to get in and avoid the food outlets. The only place I have seen it not happen was the free Manchester museum where they shut the gift shop before the museum and missed out on money they probably needed!

To me that sounds like hideous consumerism buying what is probably nasty tat ..... but their kids, their choice. You'll have to just stop going out to those places with them I think.

I think though that over school holidays trips tend to be more frequent - when I was a SAHM we might go to a farm/zoo/museum with a gift shop every week during summer ....but not go again for the rest of the year. But because they were close together it made the holidays expensive and there wasn't spare money for a toy at the gift shop every time.

A toy from every place?

What fresh batshittery is this?

Laughing that you think your son isn’t spoilt.

Isn't your house just overwhelmed with shite? Don't care about the environment? (Questions I've always wanted to ask to people that do this)

It’s not just every weekend or every day, it’s from every place! So potentially hundreds of items per year. Insanity.

Then why on earth go with them of you hate it so much?

Nope it’s not. We go out to something like the zoo etc about once a month so it’s not loads. Also, there are companies who are generating masses of harmful gasses and waste on an industrial level…I don’t think my toy buying is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back. Also we recycle obviously what we can and pass on toys when he gets too old for them.

I don’t mean Tesco ffs he doesn’t need a reminder of doing the food shop. I mean the zoo, the aquarium, the amusement park, stadiums etc. he gets 1 present at the end. If that makes him spoilt then he’s spoilt. Somehow I don’t think he’ll do too badly in life because of or in spite of it.