Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

Utterly spoilt. You may find my suggestion a little weird, but maybe watch first Harry Potter with your DC - and pause at the Dudley Dursley scene, then ask your DC about it, which of the boys turns out better suited to life and happier?

You are simply unable to change their behaviour, it is up to them, all you can do is change how many days out you have with them.

I'd ignore all the posts saying you're 'jealous.' Spending £150 on tat for the kids every trip is NUTS. All that crap that will just end up in landfill!

If they want to do that, fine, they'll be posting on here wondering why their entitled adult kids are constantly demanding cash in a few years time, but I have to say, I just wouldn't go out with them. Group outings are rarely as much fun as straightforward family ones anyway.

No charity is going to be interested in OP’s friend’s £150 worth of concert merchandise tat.

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It's really tough OP.

Like I said, my DC are NT and they'd struggle with this - but I'd be doing all the stuff on here about preparing them and distracting them and talking about all families being different and they'd get over it. It'd be painful but worth enduring to spend time with friends I liked.

In your DS's case it sounds like you would have a much bigger struggle to get to that point and so that might be a barrier to spending time with them.

Are they sympathetic and understanding about your DS's needs? If you approached it from that angle, and the need for you to always be consistent but him struggling to understand the "unfairness" would they make changes? Would you feel comfortable asking them to make changes? They are free to run their family as they wish...

I used to get plenty of sweets, but understood I couldn't have any on days out with a cousin who got travel sick. But this maybe is expecting a little much of the DC?

You really are scuppered.

@Saplingthing
Can you do activities with them that don't involve gift shops, or as a PP says go to the farm/zoo/museum etc and then part ways before you're actually leaving the place so you dont see what they get. If you're staying with them could you perhaps take your DC for a snack or go for a walk, before returning so that the initial excitement of the toy might have worn off for the other DC?

We‘ve spent a lot of time on financial education with our DS (age 7). Once he could count to 100 he was given pocket money. He also gets money when he sells old toys. We‘ve shown him:

• you can only spend money once
• second hand is far, far cheaper
• to consider what play value he‘ll get for his money
• he can specify big presents for birthday, Xmas and Easter. We take photos of what he asks for.
• If you save regularly the money mounts up.

We talk about the cost and value of things, and that adults have higher costs to cover than children. We talk about some of the financial decisions we make (our sofa could do with replacing, but we‘re choosing to wait until no one puts sticky fingers on the furniture). We were at a large jumble sale with him recently and helped him consider how much he was willing to pay for something before asking the price.

If I notice he‘ll benefit from a certain toy as his playing develops, it may appear in his room without announcement.

Some of it will be character, however if out and about he doesn’t ask for toys. Sometimes he will buy something small with his pocket money. Sometimes he‘ll ask for a picture of something - either for a birthday list or to look up on eBay. I’ve also gone half/half with him on certain toys found on eBay. He‘ll tell me what he’s looking for, I‘ll draw up a shortlist and we‘ll discuss the merits of each product and how to finance it.

No idea how that’ll work with neurodiversity, though.

When you find yourself being so judgemental about a "friend" and her children, it is time for you to take a break from the friendship because it means that - despite what you think or say - you actually don't like them very much and you don't like their company. Your friend probably picks up on this too. The kindest thing for you to do is to leave them to get on with their lives so that they can find more suitable friends.

This isn't meant to be harsh. I speak from the experience of being around people who have resented me for one reason or another but never owned it while the resentment silently oozed out of them like bile. It is actually very difficult to be around people like that because they do nothing to help you, but you can tell that they are constantly criticising you in their heads. But because they don't say you have nothing to go on but your hunch that they don't really like you.

It is nuts to me because I can't afford it, but to someone else £150 is peanuts.

I once went to the home of a very wealthy woman whose child's playroom was the size of my apartment and contained all the up to the minute gadgetry you could think of. I kept trying to find a reason to think it was "nuts" but I actually couldn't because I don't think it is.

Poverty isn't necessarily a virtue and wealth and privilege aren't necessarily a moral void.

This is a wonderful and helpful post, thank you very much! This is exactly what I need to do. We were quite poor growing up so I never had pocket money therefore I’m desperate to raise my DC to be financially literate. He has a wonderful and privileged life so I’m always worried he’s going to be entitled and not understand the value of money. We still have treats and do fun things but I’m a saver rather than a “stick it on finance and worry about it later” person.

You probably have to look at the cost/benefit analysis.

eg: enjoyment vs 'huge dampener' ratio.

If the enjoyment is 80 percent and the dampener is 20 percent, that might be an acceptable trade-off.

If it is more like 50/50, it might not be worth your while and your time together might have to look different (playground or home playdates rather than attraction or shop outing).

You could also set your child up for the anticipation, as pp have suggested. "we are going to the play farm with Veruca and Salt. At the end, we won't be choosing a toy from the shop even if they will. I know that seems really hard and you might feel cross, but I can't wait to enjoy playing at the farm with you and perhaps we can have an icecream"....or somesuch

Well, not really, I don’t really understand this modern phenomenon of wanting everything to go your way, the OP can’t control the way other people spend their money that they earn’t - ridiculous to teach your children that this notion is within your power!

No, I don't think poverty is a virtue and rich people can spend how they like, but it's not healthy to bring children up thinking that money is never going to be an issue (unless you're the Beckhams or something - and tbh even then, a bit of humility is generally a good thing). And also have you seen the tat they sell in giftshops? Who in their right mind would want a house stuffed with plastic snakes, naff things with names on, and soft toys in the shape of animals?

Yep, charity shops round here are declining contributions as there's just too much stuff. Passing this stuff on makes you feel better but is just that, a feeling.

You might think it's petty, but that might be because you don't like it. But fuck yes I judge. I also vote green and walk the talk, but you don't need to be so extreme. You could do your bit by not bringing up yet another excess consumer.

OP, that is a lot of money every weekend but you have stated it makes the children spoilt but on the other hand great to hang out with, which one is it?

Earned not ‘earn’t’

Yes, really, the meme you replied to applies to you too. Because nowhere has OP implied she wants to control her friends and how they manage their money. She's looking for tips to get around this, and if you see her replies, she has thanked people for giving her tips on managing her SON's expectations.

We're not into buying tat either but we will usually give our older DC a bit of spending money (~£5) and let our younger one pick something small from the gift shop as it's part of the fun of going somewhere. However, your choice is your rules for your children. Their rules are their choice, and YABU to say they need to change their rules to stop your DC having tantrums.

I think you're being a bit judgy considering you describe your own child as having behaviour which a lot of people would call "spoilt", especially if they didn't know he was ND.

But your child is obviously spoilt also. Otherwise they would not have a tantrum every time you say no.
Every parent who has play dates experienced this. Even if it's just as simple as a milkshake instead of water.
You can not control them.
You need to just focus on communication with your child.
Explain beforehand that yes you can go to the gift shop today . Or no today is not a toy/gift day .

I don't think that they can be called spoiled based on this one thing, just because they get toys whenever you go on days out with them, especially without knowing the whole story, how they behave in general, how they act at other times, or even why the parents do this. They might have their own issues going on. The £150 spent over the weekend could have been birthday money, or saved up pocket money or something agreed beforehand. If they are 6 and presumably in school, these days out won't be an everyday occurrence. If it's a few times a year and they get a lot of toys/tat a few times a year, that doesn't mean that the children are spoilt. The solution, if you hate it so much is to not go out with them. Children who are genuinely spoilt and entitled are usually not pleasant to be around - you haven't said this, so I'm assuming that they are not. As a parent I would rather go out with someone who wasn't judging my parenting choices. I personally would not do what your friend does, but I wouldn't be telling my child that children who get lots of things are spoilt ) I know you didn't say this but another poster did), that is judgmental and nasty.

It is spoiling. Watch what happens if you don't do it. All hell will break loose.

I used to say to mine on repeat "different families do things differently. I'm not in charge of those children but I am in charge of you. And in charge of making our money last the month". It's hard, and I'd find it really hard going out with a friend who has a very different approach so often, but ultimately I think the best message. Because it cuts both ways. Some of my friends are very strict with their kids - no sugar, daily music practice, whatever and they aren't judgy with me for being more relaxed about this stuff.

Ok so I need to end the friendship because the end of every activity makes my DC sad. I’m obviously a monster and a terrible mother for not buying junk everywhere I go. Noted.

You obviously operate on different sets of values, and you do come across as judgemental. Yes, £150 on tat is pretty mad, but can't you compromise a buy your kid a book or some sweets?