What would you do if you found out your son is beating his girlfriend?

[Pinkflowersxo]

If you found out your 30 year old son has been battering the mother of his kids for over 9 years, you witnessed his rage to her before and know he’s beat her I front of their young children to the extreme of strangling her. To know he grabbed the steering wheel whilst she was driving over 80 miles ph on the motorway and jerked jt side to side repeatedly to make her stop and punch the chair she’s sitting in over and over What would you do ?

bare in mind she knows he refuses anger management / counselling as he doesn’t think he needs it.

Asking because when I told his mother she said “I don’t think he was trying to kill you as that would have meant killing you both “ she did also say it’s bad and unacceptable.

just to add I have left , moved to a new address , and reported him to the police 3 days ago.

I am just wondering if my feelings of anger towards her for thanking me for not reporting all the times I could have were valid or if that’s just a “mothers love”

It sounds like she is another victim of this violent man. You've got out and can look back with more clarity, she is still trapped by him and probably frightened of him if he's smashed her house up.

I have two close friends who suffered physical and mental abuse at the hands of controlling and at times violent men. One look at the mothers of these pieces of shit, and you knew exactly why they were the way they were.

And OP has detailed the fact that this woman tried to buy off someone to take the fall for her sons’ drug offences - travelling to another country to help him. This won’t be the first time she’s come to his rescue, and that’s why her son has grown up the way he has - mummy gave him a get out of jail free card. Every single time.

@Pinkflowersxo 💐
I have 2 adult sons and if their partners came to me and told me this I would be disgusted and do everything I could to get them safely away from them! I certainly wouldn't be thanking you for not telling the police, I'd be encouraging you to tell them. Yes they are my son but that doesn't make it ok for them to abuse anyone. I'm not sure whether I'd disown them right enough, I guess that would depend on if the were willing to get help, but they'd know my contempt and I certainly wouldn't pussyfoot around them in letting them know where I stand with them.
So glad you are away from him now op, sending you strength to get through this ❤️

We don't know if that was how she brought him up, the mother is probably afraid of him. He is the one to blame.

Great so let's not blame the violent men, lock up their mothers as they are the ones to blame.

Anyone blaming you is possibly in a similar situation that you were in or was brought up by parents in a similar situation and don't understand how positive relationships work. I can't see any other reason for them to find you at fault. I hope they get brave like you did and get out before things go from bad to worse.

You are strong and brave and your children are lucky to have you as a string positive roll model.

Why are you defending a mother who enabled her son to sell drugs? Forget the violence for a minute. You think that's normal to help your son sell drugs?

Indeed.
We are not responsible for our grown sons' behaviour but we sure as shit are responsible for ours.

@Iwasafool Great so let's not blame the violent men, lock up their mothers as they are the ones to blame

Of course everyone is blaming the violent men, don’t be so obtuse. However, they are also ACKNOWLEDGING the role that parents play in creating this. That doesn’t get men off the hook, but acknowledges they didn’t become like this in a vacuum.

If my adult sons went around beating women up and dealing drugs then they are to blame. Mine don’t because they were not brought up to view this as a normal environment or acceptable behaviour. It’s a parents job to shape their children in this regard and the reality is some parents fail either by active or passive role-modelling and environment.

If that was my son he'd be dead and id be in prison.

Apple won’t have fallen far from the tree then.

This is such a weird comment. Yes he is her son so she should be appalled and feel responsible for getting any victims the hell away from him.

Maybe having told OP she should leave him and OP didn't leave him she didn't feel she should push her? MIL's shouldn't interfere unless of course they should interfere. I wish someone would write a guidebook so we all know the rules.

Well that's certainly one way to deal with violence in the family.

Mine don't and I thank my lucky stars for that as I do know perfectly decent parents whose kids got involved with drug dealing. I don't know anyone who has admitted their son is violent so as far as I know I don't know any of them although I've had contact professionally.

There are plenty of violent criminals with siblings who are decent law abiding citizens so not sure how it can always be about being brought up to believe this is normal or acceptable.

Some parents might fail but sometimes it might be entirely down to their child.

I would not make any excuses, would be horrified and would intervene if possible and support his victim.

She's a different kind of parent and likely that's part of the problem (and his other influences including father, other family etc etc)

I feel like you’d interfere when you know he’s almost killed a woman.. twice to your knowledge I’m sorry but I just cannot understand these comments again NOT blaming her for what he did to me. I just don’t agree with how she has enabled him also enabling his drug dealing and offering to pay his friend off to take the drug charge and telling me he didn’t mean to kill me in my car because that would mean killing us both.

Thank you. I think some people are missing these key events. X

Thank you !x

Thank you x

They can.
When the crime is recorded everything is out if the victim’s hands. Thankfully.
I would not have had the strength to press charges - luckily that was not my decision to make once the crimes where described to the police.

@Pinkflowersxo
I completely understand your anger at his mother. And you are right in feeling severely let down.

My anger is directed at many, many people, with my ex being at the top of that pyramide!
11 years on and I am still really angry + angry at new arseholes that have revealed themselves even after the fact he was arrested and sentenced for assault.
Now he would have been sentenced for non-fatal (very nearly fatal) strangulation. But not everyone finds rape, beatings or strangling very serious crimes, apparently 🙄

Stay angry at your ex mil and keep her out of your lives. Keep her well away from your kids too. I’m repeating myself, but she will only put them in harms way so just keep away from her.

Sadly it's very common for mothers to support & excuse their violent sons, even the child sex offenders.

If there is anyone in this thread going through anything like I have I really have to say as anxious as I feel since reporting ( I will for sure need counselling) it has made it that much more real. Like it really did happen. I know he would never have expected me to report him. It’s made me feel like actually what I went through was in fact abuse. It wasn’t my fault . It wasn’t just an isolated mistake. He does deserve to be arrested for this. I never thought like this when I was in the relationship I normalised it mentally and Believef he could change which shows mentally where I was. I hope with some counselling I can overcome this x

I know you weren't blaming her but others are. Yes she should have interfered when he was being violent but if you look at some "I hate the MIL" threads on here it is a minefield. I am lucky as I get on with all my DsIL and my sons aren't violent, unlike others I'm not claiming that means I'm some sort of perfect mother, I did my best and they turned out good and for that I am thankful.

I hope you are getting some support now you are out of the situation. I think it will take sometime for you to process it all. Some sort of counselling would probably be good for you, someone to talk to is always useful. I hope the children are doing OK, it must be hard for them as well.