What would you do if you found out your son is beating his girlfriend?

[Pinkflowersxo]

If you found out your 30 year old son has been battering the mother of his kids for over 9 years, you witnessed his rage to her before and know he’s beat her I front of their young children to the extreme of strangling her. To know he grabbed the steering wheel whilst she was driving over 80 miles ph on the motorway and jerked jt side to side repeatedly to make her stop and punch the chair she’s sitting in over and over What would you do ?

bare in mind she knows he refuses anger management / counselling as he doesn’t think he needs it.

Asking because when I told his mother she said “I don’t think he was trying to kill you as that would have meant killing you both “ she did also say it’s bad and unacceptable.

just to add I have left , moved to a new address , and reported him to the police 3 days ago.

I am just wondering if my feelings of anger towards her for thanking me for not reporting all the times I could have were valid or if that’s just a “mothers love”

She did let you down and more importantly she really let her grandchildren down too and I think you are right not to let them go to her house if she says she will let him in to see them there. He's a violent drug dealer and hopefully this means there will be some evidence to protect you and the children.

Perhaps she is scared of him herself, and also didn't want to lose you as she knew that you encouraged him to treat her better than he would have done, but its not much of an excuse on her part. You on the other hand have shown a lot of courage in leaving and reporting, which must have been a difficult decision.

You could really do with some help to deal with all of this. It sounds like a very hard situation to be in. A few posters have suggested places where you can get this help.

Do you have any experience with domestic abuse ?

And if his wife refused to cooperate with the police,and when he refused to leave and the wife supported him, then what ?

She thanked me for not reporting her son to the police

At least she tried !

Not thanking her for NOT reporting him to the police despite everything he’s done over 9 years

Just because you tell a woman in a coercive and abusive relationship to leave doesn’t mean he is not still a threat to other innocent women he might meet ? He did this before me and she knew that

From your description your ex and his mother are both disgusting drug dealers. Only one of them battered you and your kids and put revenge porn online. Please leave all of them behind and stop looking to her behaviour for any answers.

Say I left sooner.. then what about the other women he meets ? He beat his ex before me. Does his risk to society stop because I left

I don't think the police can act without the victims cooperation. His future behaviour is not your responsibility or that of his mother.

she was powerless to stop him

Wow even when he almost killed me more than once ??

knowing he has almost killed me more than once you don’t think she should have been pushing me to report ? I would say for as long as u am in this earth I could not know my child is capable of this and let them roam through society doing this to women. Just because the woman didn’t leave. I could never thank her for Not reporting he is a risk to society

Did the police know about these attacks? I'm sorry, I don't understand your meaning here.

Some really interesting comments here. Makes me really sad for our children to think that some people could now that their son is capable of killing a women on multiple occasions with different women but because they told the woman to leave and she didn’t they feel they did their part. Knowing he is out in society. How do you spend the day with him ? Knowing this. What a scary world we live in

Maybe instead of thanking me for not reporting him. At least encourage me to report to possibly save another woman.

You spent your days with him and allowed your kids to spend days with him, so it's vastly more complex than simply stopping it from happening. Both of you had your own reasons for not reporting.

I'd call the police. I wouldn't disown him but I would definitely call the police. And be absolutely devastated obvs

Wouldn’t expect her to disown him 🤍. Call the police yes. Thank me for not reporting no. X

I'd be on my son's case until he admitted it and got help.

She's clearly pathetically in denial. And she may be partially responsible perhaps, for raising him in an environment where violence against women is normalised and unchallenged. But unless his violence stems from her violent treatment of him in childhood, then don't blame her. Don't blame women for the appalling behaviour of men. Stay focused on the criminal himself.

Some people put others on such a high pedestal that they can’t ever be knocked off. If his mother actually faced the monster that her son is then she would also have to admit her own part in it. You not reporting it meant she never had to really deal with the truth.

Im sorry for what’s happened to you OP and you are obviously hurt and angry. She never had your best interests at heart only her own self preservation.

I wouldn’t continue any contact with her or allow your children anywhere near. I hope you are able to access counselling and build a life for yourself and your children where you are all safe.

I would no longer have any contact with my son
I'm glad you've moved away
I would stay in close contact with GF and DC who will be traumatised and suggest where they could get support
Stay Safe. You've done all the right things

I wouldn't be thanking you for not reporting him either. My friend had an issue with her teenage son way back (he was in all sorts of trouble, totally turned around and great now) and he tripped her up once. She made it very clear if that happened again the police would come. You can't accept any kind of violence or expect others too.

Thank you ! Even if she did this. If she was in his case and didn’t help him with anything else until he addressed it. Not continuing to enable his drug dealing, give him money and spoil him. I don’t blame her for his abuse I have to keep saying this because I don’t. I was just feeling let down and felt like I didn’t want her in my life, this thread is not about placing the blame on her for what he did to me

Thank you for validating what I feel. This thread is not about blaming her for all the abuse I endured. It’s simply me asking am I right to feel let down. Now I have reported and we are waiting for him to be arrested i anticipate she will be angry with me. I feel let down by her that is all this is not blaming her for it