What would you do if you found out your son is beating his girlfriend?

[Pinkflowersxo]

If you found out your 30 year old son has been battering the mother of his kids for over 9 years, you witnessed his rage to her before and know he’s beat her I front of their young children to the extreme of strangling her. To know he grabbed the steering wheel whilst she was driving over 80 miles ph on the motorway and jerked jt side to side repeatedly to make her stop and punch the chair she’s sitting in over and over What would you do ?

bare in mind she knows he refuses anger management / counselling as he doesn’t think he needs it.

Asking because when I told his mother she said “I don’t think he was trying to kill you as that would have meant killing you both “ she did also say it’s bad and unacceptable.

just to add I have left , moved to a new address , and reported him to the police 3 days ago.

I am just wondering if my feelings of anger towards her for thanking me for not reporting all the times I could have were valid or if that’s just a “mothers love”

Honestly OP, why are you still in contact with her?

My mother in law I'm incapable of ever believing her son could do anything wrong . She would accuse me and everyone else of lying.

Right or wrong a mother will always support their child.

Case in point - my M.I.L knew her son was cheating on me, but stood by & said nothing.

I don’t blame her for it. I have so much anger towards him. Is it right to blame me when I was clearly a victim in the situation? What I’m saying is I right to feel anger towards her for not pushing me to report instead of thanking me for Not reporting.

I’d geld him with my embroidery scissors.

But I’ve put a lot of work into raising decent, considerate, emotionally literate young men, so I’d be flabbergasted if they raised a hand to anyone.

Stay safe, OP. Good luck for your asshole-free future.

I wouldn't waste any mental energy on this, OP. Is it possible you're projecting anger onto her that is really your (understandable) anger at your ex, or anger at yourself for not leaving sooner with your children?

It was an appalling, unjustifiable situation, and it's great that you're free. Stay safe.

Some mothers refuse to see their children's faults I don't understand her behaviour she isn't an ally though even if she is the grandmother of your kids that doesn't matter, she isn't going to support you. I'm sorry she isn't on your side she bloody well should be.

Any chance of therapy around this OP, I think you wanted some protection from his mother for her to validate your decisions and she didn’t. Perhaps there was no one else to support you in getting away?

Please don’t focus on her and focus on yourself. Well done for getting away.

Thank you very much I really think I do need counselling x

Well done, OP, on getting out. My best wishes to you.

I am the mother of a 30 year old man. Luckily, he's a gentle soul who wouldn't hurt a fly. But if I ever found out he'd hurt a woman, even just once, he'd be in serious trouble with me (and his father) and I would totally support her in reporting him. I love him, but violence towards anyone I would not be able to tolerate.

Of course you have a right to be angry but she will always be on his side, I imagine he was probably an aggressive angry child/teenager and maybe hope he'd change because he was with you and had his own kids.

I think I would get banned for what I would do to him. She’s just as bad as he is. Thank goodness you’re free.

In her mind though she did her bit, she told you to leave. The fact you did not leave means she feels she can lay the blame on you and not herself.

My first thought on reading the thread title was I'd phone the police.

My first thought after reading the OP is DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM.

PP had it right with the comment that a mum who would take action most likely wouldn't have raised a son who turned out this way, although I know there will be exceptions.

None of what you've put in your updates is normal OP, you and your DC deserve so much better. Well done for leaving, now make sure you press charges and stay away from him and his family.

Excellent. Best wishes and good luck.
i am in a similar situation but the violent person is the GF.
It has been reported to the police who say they won't proceed with the case (but confirmed it is coercive control) as DS won't confirm the abuse to them.

Of course she shouldn’t blame you, and yes of course she shouldn’t have thanked you for not reporting, I assume she was hoping it would stop. But the point remains, he is an adult, and she is not responsible for his actions, or yours.

i am not blaming his mother for what he did to me . I am asking if I am wrong to feel that she should have pushed me to report. Not thank me for not reporting. She knew I hadn’t told anyone but her. She knew for 9 years. She thanked me for not telling my family and police . I stayed in contact because she supported me with childcare. When he was facing jail she offered him money to give to his friend to take the charge who was there with him. When I left him 5 months ago she went over to another country to see him knowing he’s drug dealing and gave him money to go there to do it knowing what he would be doing

I would have moved you in with me.

But I suppose in the heat of the moment I may have said something about you having tried for so long and put up with so much.

But honestly it couldn’t happen. If I saw that kind of aggressive or controlling behaviour I’d have stepped in.

@Pinkflowersxo

thank god you got out.

I can't really answer your question, I'd have supported you in leaving him, emotionally & with housing, but possibly thanked you for not reporting him though ensured he got help. It's hard to imagine that kind of behaviour when you have brought your kids up well.

However, in your position I wouldn't be in contact with her now and nor would MY kids. I hope he's not getting to see the kids??

It’s not right what he did to you. It’s awful, but some parents view their children as an extension of themselves and cannot accept they do any wrong.

Look at Lucy Letbys parents, they uprooted their lives to go and live near her prison.

Is there a chance that this angry man will be forced back to live with her, now that you have split up?

I can think of a reason why she's desperate to stay on side with him if this potentially going to be the case.

Wishing you well OP.

She will always protect her son over you. Most mothers would. Most mothers - regardless what they say on line would prefer it if you didn’t report them to the police.

I know a woman whose son killed a man and then washed his clothes so there would be no evidence. Mothers will go quite far to protect their kids.

BUT @Pinkflowersxo I’m so fucking happy you have left. Let that anger come because the more you allow it to wash over you the quicker you will begin to heal. The hard part of this has not even started yet so please dig deep and find your strength.

You spent a long time with an abuser so you will need some kind of therapy to unpick things you didn’t even know needed to be unpicked. You really really do need therapy - and a good therapist that deals in trauma.

You will find peace and happiness, it might not be soon but I promise you will eventually 💐

I would have reported him myself and helped have him removed from your home.

I would have stood by you and supported a prosecution.

I would have disowned him.

If it was my child I would have taken the mother and children and protected her and encouraged her to go to the police. I would give her all the love and support she needs. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Don't blame other women. HE is to blame, he chose to do it, and I hope they put him away for a long time.