What would you do if you found out your son is beating his girlfriend?

[Pinkflowersxo]

If you found out your 30 year old son has been battering the mother of his kids for over 9 years, you witnessed his rage to her before and know he’s beat her I front of their young children to the extreme of strangling her. To know he grabbed the steering wheel whilst she was driving over 80 miles ph on the motorway and jerked jt side to side repeatedly to make her stop and punch the chair she’s sitting in over and over What would you do ?

bare in mind she knows he refuses anger management / counselling as he doesn’t think he needs it.

Asking because when I told his mother she said “I don’t think he was trying to kill you as that would have meant killing you both “ she did also say it’s bad and unacceptable.

just to add I have left , moved to a new address , and reported him to the police 3 days ago.

I am just wondering if my feelings of anger towards her for thanking me for not reporting all the times I could have were valid or if that’s just a “mothers love”

Also, @Pinkflowersxo, at 5 months in you're at quite a dangerous time-you might start letting your defences down a bit. Don't!

You’re blaming the wrong person. It’s your ex who’s at fault. 100%. You’re so in the habit of ignoring or excusing his actions that you are even now actively searching for someone else to blame. Get therapy so you can put the blame, all of it, squarely where it belongs.

What do you think she should do? He's a grown adult, she can hardly put him on the naughty step for a timeout. Not that much point in her reporting to the police, as prosecution is generally dependent on the victim being prepared to stand up and give evidence. So it's much better for the victim to report. Why did it take 9 years to report it, and to leave? Protecting your kids from this monster should've been your priority, I don't think you can just pass on all the blame here to the mil.

What country are you in to be doing 80 on the motorway?

You, the son and the mother are utterly vile with an attitude like that.

Why are so many posters trying to minimise the part this vile woman played in all of this. Of course she’s to blame. She raised a wife beating piece of shit and refused to recognise it, to the point where she’s supporting his drug dealing and offering money to other people to take the fall for him. She will clearly forgive him anything and will never cop to her own part in any of this. I’d blame her too.

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

You can't possibly have a relationship with his mother. She'll involve him in everything about you. She will endanger you. He's a violent drug dealer who has smashed up her house and treats her like shit. She's scared of him and will likely do anything he asks of her, including compromising your safety.

I think it's impossible to know. My MIL said the same to me, although my situation was no where near as bad. She told me to leave. That none of them wants a broken home for us, but that I can't put up with it. She then never mentioned it again.

It's very difficult. Ultimately I think it's not the place of the MIL. Literally all the people in the world, she is not the one to take this to.

You've done well to get away OP, a massive congratulations. That must have taken real strength and courage.

Do you have any experience with domestic abuse?
This wasn't directed at me however, no, I haven't, but she clearly has as you have confirmed in this thread. Why do you expect more from another abused woman than you yourself were willing to do?
If she had encouraged you to report, you likely wouldn't have done it. You have children and you won't yet know the extent of the damage that's been done to them by living in that environment their whole lives. If one of them grew up to be an abuser, perhaps the guilt you might feel would have you behaving as you never imagined you would. Who knows?

She told you to leave, multiple times. You wouldn't. Why do you think you would have gone to the police if she told you to?

So much damage to so many. I'm glad you have left and, with your children, can hopefully start to heal. Projecting the way you are will only impede that process

I'm sorry you went through that OP. I wouldn't listen to what someone who shields an abuser says and wouldn't let it affect you. I would keep away from them both, if she knew what was going on to you and her grandchildren and refused to do anything, then I have nothing good to say about her. I would keep my family away from her.

LOG EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT please dont do a half assed job of it what he is doing is unacceptable, you need protection and you wont get it with half a story. Frankly inthe scheme of things she doesn't matter in the slightest and you need to do what is right for you and the kids. Get outside help, get counselling for you and the children. Get involvement of a solicitor and get anti harrassment measures sorted with the help of police and other bodies and do not release your whereabouts to him. I also would not be lettinghim have contact with the children either - another reason advising all instances to polices and or social services are necessary. On their own with him they would have no protection.

My mum told me when I was a teenage boy that she'd support me through anything except abuse towards my partner (or women in general.) She would support them instead.

My mum was so, so loving towards us as kids (still is now we're adults.) I know such a decision would have destroyed her if she'd ever had to make it but she made it clear it was a hard line for her, which I respect.

It's a complex circumstance @Pinkflowersxo given that you both (his Mum and you) accepted his behaviour for 9 years.
Ultimately though yes, your anger towards her is valid, because she wasn't the victim - you were. I think going no contact with her is wise.
I wish you the very best going forward.

I'd have reported him myself. I might have given him one chance before doing so, but I wouldn't want any children growing up in that environment, let alone my GCs.

Her minimisation is shocking.

Abuse is intergenerational. My ex's dad was abusive and so was his grandfather. My dad wasn't physically abusive to my DM but he was controlling in other ways and fit with the abuse profile even though I don't recall him ever raising his voice. DM was also submissive to him but quick to violence with us. It's no wonder we clicked really.

For women it's common that you pick what you know. If she grew up in an abusive household then it means that she would be more likely to gravitate to an abusive man and subsequently raise an abusive son or a daughter who would go on to seek out an abusive spouse.

And like the fact that your ex will never change, neither will his mother. You owe them nothing.

You can break the cycle for your child and for you now you are out. But the only way forward is to cut out those who hurt you. She may not have lifted her hand but she enabled him in many other ways so she's hurtful to you.

I hope you have reported him for this too!

Personally I would kill him.

I gave him life, I can take it away.

Try not to stay too connected to this MIL. Just give her the bare minimum of contact w kids. You should do minimum comms with her. And move on.

If any son or grandson for that matter of mine behaved like that I’d want to break his legs. But I’d call the police and testify against him in court.
I hope you and your children are safe OP and can stay far away from him.

I did thank you , thank you for those of you who have supported me. As for the ones victim blaming and blaming me for leaving I won’t reply to comments like that anymore please read the thread to see why I made this post I wasn’t looking for anyone to blame and clearly I do blame him when I have reported him ! X

I've got 3 adult sons and I'd go mental at them. I'd still love them but I'd let them know I could not support them if they didn't get themselves sorted out. I would support any of my DsIL and be there for my GC. One of mine is divorced, not because he was violent, but I still see DIL, last month we went for a day out together with the children.

The other point is as well as not wanting DIL to be beaten or for GC to see it I wouldn't want to see any of my sons going to prison for murder and from what you describe that would seem a possible result.

He's a grown man, his mother is in the wrong for not supporting the OP but you have no evidence that his behaviour is his mother's fault. Why are so many people so quick to blame mothers for the actions of others.

I haven't read the full thread yet so maybe there will be evidence later but where you post no I can't see anything to say his mother has made him violent.

If it were me, neither of them would get anywhere near my kids. He, because he’s a violent piece of shit, and she because she helped create a violent piece of shit - why should I risk her passing that on to GC ? Any contact with this woman is a threat to OP because she’s clearly in her sons’ thrall and OP will never be sure that wherever her MiL is, he won’t be far behind.

I mean in the OP it says she minimised her son putting the OP's life in danger and said she doubted he had been trying to kill her because he'd have been putting his own life at risk too.

Just in case you missed it-www.womensaid.org.uk/