What would you do if you found out your son is beating his girlfriend?

[Pinkflowersxo]

If you found out your 30 year old son has been battering the mother of his kids for over 9 years, you witnessed his rage to her before and know he’s beat her I front of their young children to the extreme of strangling her. To know he grabbed the steering wheel whilst she was driving over 80 miles ph on the motorway and jerked jt side to side repeatedly to make her stop and punch the chair she’s sitting in over and over What would you do ?

bare in mind she knows he refuses anger management / counselling as he doesn’t think he needs it.

Asking because when I told his mother she said “I don’t think he was trying to kill you as that would have meant killing you both “ she did also say it’s bad and unacceptable.

just to add I have left , moved to a new address , and reported him to the police 3 days ago.

I am just wondering if my feelings of anger towards her for thanking me for not reporting all the times I could have were valid or if that’s just a “mothers love”

I would be absolutely heartbroken that I'd raised a monster like that. I would be helping you as much as I could to leave even if that meant not seeing my son anymore.

Maybe instead of thanking me for not reporting him. At least encourage me to report to possibly save another woman

well, yes, but you are flogging a dead horse with this as he didn’t just wake up one morning like this. Obviously her share of parenting facilitated him being like this, even if it was simply staying in a domestic abuse situation herself so this was what he was bought up in. She has played a part in why he thinks this is normal/acceptable behaviour, so why you are now chin scratching as to why her own behaviour was/is not ‘normal’ is odd. Clearly she is dysfunctional and has raised a dysfunctional son. What’s there to keep going over in your mind with that?

Just to make it very clear to anyone who reads this thread I am NOT blaming her for my abuse. I am not blaming her for my not leaving. I am saying I don’t want a relationship with her anymore because I feel she let me and my children down

This is all very true. I agree with you I am just saying am I right for feeling I don’t want a relationship with her after I feel let down by her that is all

But all that you are saying is right I guess it is completely pointless. She raised him. I’m just venting really.

Why are you focusing on his mother? All your energy and attention needs to be on yourself and the children. Are you properly away from him and safe now?

Really well done on leaving. I really don't think you should expect anything from his mum or even waste headspace about what she could have/have not done. In a very clinical sense, she had no obligation to you, her son did. It's common to find someone to blame when you've experienced trauma. When it's difficult for us to process that we ourselves could have changed the outcome, we tend to project outwards at people who could have changed the outcome for us.

If your the wife mentioned in the post I wouldn't bother worrying about the mother in law's opinion 9/10 times they think the sun shines out of their precious boys ass and will call anyone that disagrees a liar.
The mother in law's opinion is the least of your worries and hopefully you can get away from this asshole

I am not focusing on his mother. I reported him. I am simply facing whether I continue a relationship with her now that I’ve reported him. That is all I was looking to see if I was feeling was valid. Not putting the blame on her

I am saying I don’t want a relationship with her anymore because I feel she let me and my children down

Correct but you left a bit out. She also let her son down because of who he is.

If I were the mother I would take a long hard look at myself and the part I had played in raising a son who would behave like this in the first place. She knows what her son is, and still supports him, which is vile. Her reaction to his behaviour and her pleas for you not to report it tells you everything you need to know. Cut ties with both of them and don’t allow either of them near your children.

Yep, this 100%. She raised him.

I don’t blame her for it. As I’ve stated on her many times I just feel let down and I am deciding in whether to continue a relationship with her or not i am not looking for someone to blame I know he did this to me not her. Do I feel let down by her ? Absolutely

Op she’s also an abused woman.and she’s the parent child bond. You don’t and it took you nine years to leave, but you expect better of her, another abused woman.

This is a fair point and I am taking this on too

Unfortunately this could have resulted in me being killed.

Firstly well done for getting out. I know it takes a lot of courage to finally leave. To answer your question directly I would reflect that his mother has very likely enabled this viscous man from when he was a child and is part of this problem. I understand your rage but I would focus on you and the children. You will have every right to be angry but from experience anger can be a really exhausting emotion. In counselling I learned the lesson that I cannot change other people I can only change the way I react to this and that is the area I would be working on.

Possibly focusing on his mother because now OP’s away from him and has reported him to the police, she’s had time to reflect. And the ramifications of his mothers’ behaviour have become clearer. I think I’d be the same.

Thank you I think this is what I intend to do to be honest x

This is exactly why. Since I’ve been away from him for 5 months and I reported so many things have been coming up for me and being made so clear that we’re not before. So many questions

Thank you. She has enabled a lot of his bad behaviour even aside from my abuse. 2 months ago she gave him money for flights to go drug dealing in another country. All of this was just so I could get peoples views on if what I was feeling was valid. I believe I have a right to feel let down. This is not me blaming her for my abuse. But I feel let down and I don’t feel I want to continue a relationship with her now I’ve reported , thank you everyone for your views

As to maintaining a relationship with her-absolutely not. Abusive men look for any possible chink in your armour. Do not have any dealings with him except through the police. It is absolutely no point trying to work out why he is the way he is-that's not your job. Are you in touch with women's aid? www.womensaid.org.uk/

My ex MIL was like this. After one beating she told him if he did so again, she'd phone the police herself. Always disgusted. But then made excuses. Had a go at me when I reported him, more than once.
Honestly, cut her off as much as you have the ex. She's poison.

She obviously doesn’t think it’s that bad otherwise you wouldn’t have stayed for 9 years when she told you to leave. Exactly what she said really.

She’ll use that as an excuse that her son couldn’t be that bad or you wouldn’t stay. She’ll want to believe him not to be that bad.

None of it’s good and I’m pleased you’re out now!

I think it’s safe to say they’re both the problem. His mother raised him, so her part in his parenting shaped him. She has to take responsibility for that, and the fact that she supported her son knowing what he was. I also think it’s telling that she helped with childcare, when what she should have been doing was helping OP leave, so I don’t think the blame is misplaced at all. Any mother who will offer money for someone to take the blame for her sons’ drug dealing, or travel to another country to support it is most definitely worthy of plenty of blame.