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Original poster

What would you do if you found out your son is beating his girlfriend?

233 replies

Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 12:20

If you found out your 30 year old son has been battering the mother of his kids for over 9 years, you witnessed his rage to her before and know he’s beat her I front of their young children to the extreme of strangling her. To know he grabbed the steering wheel whilst she was driving over 80 miles ph on the motorway and jerked jt side to side repeatedly to make her stop and punch the chair she’s sitting in over and over What would you do ?

bare in mind she knows he refuses anger management / counselling as he doesn’t think he needs it.

Asking because when I told his mother she said “I don’t think he was trying to kill you as that would have meant killing you both “ she did also say it’s bad and unacceptable.

just to add I have left , moved to a new address , and reported him to the police 3 days ago.

I am just wondering if my feelings of anger towards her for thanking me for not reporting all the times I could have were valid or if that’s just a “mothers love”

OP posts:
ToWonderWhyIBother · 03/07/2024 13:31

If this were my son he would be in intensive care, because I would put him there, and I would be helping you move to where ever you wanted to move to, and help you to the best of my abilities. I would not want to lose you or the children.

I am so sorry you went through this and have moved and reported, please speak to your dr's who will be able to point you in the direction of therapy for you and your children.

Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:33

TenarAtuan · 03/07/2024 13:31

I'm sorry this has happened to you. However, I think you should focus your feelings on him and not her.

Thank you my anger is all focused on him. However these are feelings that are starting to come up for me and I wanted opinions on if what I felt was valid.. that is all. I’m not blaming her for what happened to me I am just questioning on if my feelings are valid because now I have to decide if I want her in my life anymore.. that is all

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:34

ToWonderWhyIBother · 03/07/2024 13:31

If this were my son he would be in intensive care, because I would put him there, and I would be helping you move to where ever you wanted to move to, and help you to the best of my abilities. I would not want to lose you or the children.

I am so sorry you went through this and have moved and reported, please speak to your dr's who will be able to point you in the direction of therapy for you and your children.

Thank you, I think this is why I feel so let down. He has treated her horrendously over the years. I treated her as my own mum , supported her and visited her me and our kids were the one good thing she had. I guess we are not her son though 😥

OP posts:
thevache · 03/07/2024 13:35

If this was my son - and I have one around the same age - I would disown him and support his ex-partner however I could, for as long as she needed me. But my son was brought up to respect women so this would never happen. I'm speechless on your behalf and so, so sorry.

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2024 13:36

What's the dad like?

Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:37

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2024 13:36

What's the dad like?

Emotionally abused his mother. Isn’t in the picture he actually made a pass at me

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 03/07/2024 13:37

I'm so sorry you went through that.

If that was my son I'd be so ashamed and angry.

I'd offer you and the children a home and do everything I could to keep you safe, including calling the police on him if he even tried to come near.

Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:37

Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:37

Emotionally abused his mother. Isn’t in the picture he actually made a pass at me

Show quote history

They haven’t been together for over 20 years.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 03/07/2024 13:37

I completely understand how you feel, OP. My ex’s mum’s reaction to his violent abuse of me was to say “He’s always had a temper, he can’t help himself” and to suggest that I should “just stay out of his way when he gets like that”.

Looking back, I suspect she had been brought up herself in a household and social environment where that was the norm.

I think that, honestly, you need to try to put her out of your mind. Maybe it’s a mother’s love, maybe she just can’t bring herself to believe such an awful situation and is in denial, maybe she comes from a situation where abuse was routine, or maybe she’s just an absolute cow. But ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what she thinks. She’s nobody now. The important thing here is you and your welfare, and ruminating on the people who enabled or tolerated the awful abuse you suffered isn’t going to help you. Your case is against your ex, not her, and the people who stood by and did nothing to help you don’t deserve any space in your head.

Well done for getting away - you’ve done a brave thing. I hope there’s justice ahead, and I’m sending you all my best wishes.

turbonerd · 03/07/2024 13:38

My ex mil was the same.
If one of my boys end up like their Dad, and sadly that is a possibility, I will NOT be like my ex mil.
She said it was all my fault for not leaving. That it was all my fault for not communicating well enough and all kinds of bullshit.

She is not Nice, not kind, and the best thing I did was to have no contact with any of my ex inlaws.

FreebieWallopFridge · 03/07/2024 13:41

If that was one of my kids he’d be banned from my house, cut off completely. And if you needed somewhere to stay to get away from him, you could stay with me. He wouldn’t step one foot across the threshold.

MysticCatLady · 03/07/2024 13:41

I read your last thread OP. Well done for reporting him, it needed to be done.

I can't imagine that mum in this situation, you have been treated really badly. She and your ex's father created this nasty bully so I wouldn't have high expectations of either of them tbh. She's not the mother figure for you that you were hoping for.

Buntycat · 03/07/2024 13:41

You are justified in feeling disappointed in his mother but it’s really not worth your time thinking about it. Focus on staying away from him.

Crispsarethebestfood · 03/07/2024 13:43

I am guessing this is possibly learned behaviour; that his mum’s relationship(s) have been similar, that she never had the courage to act and that he was a bit better towards her when he had you to take things out on. She deserves your pity, she’s not strong enough for herself never mind for you as well.
However you owe her nothing. If she is not the influence your DC need, remove her from their lives or only let them see her supervised. You’ve seen what her parenting can produce; maybe not deliberately but your DC only need one consistent message now. You can’t allow your incredible strength to be undermined. She is not your problem.
Well done for everything you are doing.

HoppingPavlova · 03/07/2024 13:43

I highly doubt whether mothers who would react in that way would ever have raised a son like this in the first place

Nailed it.

Dumdeedahdumdeedo · 03/07/2024 13:43

They have to blame us in some sort of way because they cant admit to themselves that their son is a monster and most of the time, their partly to blame for how their son has turned out

My ex MIL ( dead now) blamed me for my ex beating me for 7 years, stealing our sons ashes.... even the fact he didnt have gas or electric in his house ( Id moved out and got my own place when I was pregnant with my DD )

Once he forwarded me messages where she had messaged him and told him to leave me on my own with the toddler and the baby for 2 weeks and I'd soon be begging for his help 🤦‍♀️

I left him 7 years ago & he was convicted in court, court ordered no contact or communication with me or the children

Around 2 years after I left him she got in touch and told me she was dying from cancer asking to see my children. I told her absolutely not, what benefit would my children get from seeing a dying old lady with no hair once and then never seeing her again because shes died?

She and he painted me as a monster for years to try and justify his behaviour. Why they thought I'd forgive all of that and traumatise my children for her I do not know 🤦‍♀️

I'd disown my son if he ever ever behaved even a little bit like his dad, and I'd support his girlfriend and their children 100%

Mrsjayy · 03/07/2024 13:44

Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:37

Emotionally abused his mother. Isn’t in the picture he actually made a pass at me

Show quote history

Sounds a delight what a toxic family!

itsmylife7 · 03/07/2024 13:46

I'd never ever support my son.

I'd do everything in my power to keep you and the children safe.

His Mother is a disgrace.

andthat · 03/07/2024 13:48

Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 12:24

Sorry I forgot to add I have left 4 months ago and reported him 3 days. I will support a prosecution.

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What a horrible situation to have escaped from. You have shown such courage.

To answer your question…I’d report him to the police myself.

Allie47 · 03/07/2024 13:49

I couldn't forgive my son for this and I'd help the mother and children get away 😞 xx

Getonwitit · 03/07/2024 13:51

I would not have stood by and watched my son treat you like that. This woman is in no way responsible for what has gone on. It was yours and her sons relationship. Most people in a violent relationship push back against those that try to help until they are themselves ready to say no more. He is to blame not her.

CowTown · 03/07/2024 13:53

Please don’t ever make a recording of yourself having sex again.

Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:56

Getonwitit · 03/07/2024 13:51

I would not have stood by and watched my son treat you like that. This woman is in no way responsible for what has gone on. It was yours and her sons relationship. Most people in a violent relationship push back against those that try to help until they are themselves ready to say no more. He is to blame not her.

I am not in anyway saying she is responsible for his behaviour. I want to make that really clear. I do just feel let down. She would thank me for not reporting or telling anyone and he did this to his ex who left him because he hit her just once. So she knew he had a real problem prior to me. I feel I wish she pushed me to report him instead of thanking me for not doing it. She is not to blame for my abuse I know. I just don’t feel like I want her in my life anymore and came onto here to see if my feelings were valid he is due to be arrested any day now and I ainticipate she will be angry with me for reporting

OP posts:
AirportObs · 03/07/2024 13:56

Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:34

Thank you, I think this is why I feel so let down. He has treated her horrendously over the years. I treated her as my own mum , supported her and visited her me and our kids were the one good thing she had. I guess we are not her son though 😥

Show quote history

She’s an abused woman too though OP.

Original poster
Pinkflowersxo · 03/07/2024 13:57

I do also need to add that she told him his behaviour is shameful and bad. But it’s my fault for not leaving. If it were me I wouldn’t have anything to do with my son unless he was willing to get help for his behaviour and show remorse that would be different. He refused it didn’t feel he needed help even after all these years

OP posts: