What would you do if you found out your son is beating his girlfriend?

[Pinkflowersxo]

If you found out your 30 year old son has been battering the mother of his kids for over 9 years, you witnessed his rage to her before and know he’s beat her I front of their young children to the extreme of strangling her. To know he grabbed the steering wheel whilst she was driving over 80 miles ph on the motorway and jerked jt side to side repeatedly to make her stop and punch the chair she’s sitting in over and over What would you do ?

bare in mind she knows he refuses anger management / counselling as he doesn’t think he needs it.

Asking because when I told his mother she said “I don’t think he was trying to kill you as that would have meant killing you both “ she did also say it’s bad and unacceptable.

just to add I have left , moved to a new address , and reported him to the police 3 days ago.

I am just wondering if my feelings of anger towards her for thanking me for not reporting all the times I could have were valid or if that’s just a “mothers love”

WHAT? my god she sounds horrific. I think you need to stop thinking she should have done this or that a decent parent would but she sounds far from decent.
she was complicit telling you not to tell anyone is contributing to your domestic abuse. Keep away from her she's no good for you or your Dc

@Pinkflowersxo

theres no way on this earth she'd be doing ANY childcare. She wouldn't be seeing MY kids.

She's not on your side, she's protecting this monster in every way she can. Paying someone to take the wrap? Not ensuring HE gets straightened out (IF that's even possible). Distance yourself from this bastard, his warped mother & if you haven't already get you family told the truth.

obviously he's also a shit drug dealer if he's relying on his mother to pay for his flights.

I want to make very very clear that I am not putting all anger and blame onto her. It is all on him. I have just been feeling let down. Now I look at it from the perspective of how could she have allowed him to get away with it for so long. The revenge porn all if it. He refused to ever get help or counselling so i just don’t know how she couldn’t have thought it’s best he goes to jail to at least maybe think about his actions that way ? I know I was stupid for staying. I forgot to mention she to agreed that I shouldn’t let him see our children , then when I finally left him she said that he should be able to see them 😔 she said if my kids were with her she wouldn’t turn him away if he turned up so they will have to stop staying with her. I Have recently moved and haven’t find either of them the address I want to cut her off because I feel like for her to say he should still see the children despite the abuse he’s inflicted on us. Including beating me whilst holding our children. I dont know I guess u am just venting 😓

Oh @ I presume you've reported his drug dealing??

protect your kids as much as you humanly can.

Thank you this is exactly how I’m starting to feel now. I never felt this towards her when I was still with him but since leaving I am feeling all these feelings so strongly ! I thought she had my back but I think she enables his behaviour. Xx

Than you for validating what I’ve been feeling. She would always tell him what he is doing is wrong and she’s ashamed of his behaviour. But then in the same breath thank me for not reporting and continue to give him money and enable his other bad behaviour . I just wondered even if you were somebody who knew your son hit a woman once , surely by 6 years later if the same abuse you would think the police NEED to be involved now. 😢 again in not blaming her for everything I just feel massively let down considering she was the only person I trusted to tell because I was stupid and vulnerable

If you are venting and trying to work things out here that's OK, we will. listening to you. Have you got real life support from your own family and friends? Councilling might help or womens aid would help even though you have left.

OP, if it’s of ANY consolation, my anger towards my abusive ex husband’s enablers/supporters matches my anger towards him. Your boyfriend’s mother is an abuser by proxy. She’s enabling his harm. She’s culpable. And your rage is totally in the right place. Don’t think for a moment that it’s misdirected.

Well done fir getting away @Pinkflowersxo

As for your situation, as a mum of two young adults male, I’d have asked you if you wanted help to move out safely. I’d have driven down to you to help you get out.
And I’d have had a huge go at my son for his behaviour, telling him to get help/counselling. I’d have loved to be able to make him do that too but I’m aware I wouldn’t 😢😢

I really want to reiterate that I am not trying to pin another woman for my abuse. He is the blame. I was vulnerable and a weak person for not being able to leave I know this. I just cannot shake this feeling I have that I want to cut her off because I feel she let me down. She was the only person who knew about everything for over 9 years. I told her I thought he was going to kill me she knew all this.

Thank you so much 😢 I will be honest this is how I feel. Now I have reported him to the police I feel I don’t want to continue a relationship with her. He could have killed me and she knew every time yes it was my fault for going back but I cannot understand it . To say he should be able to see our kids and she wouldn’t then him away if he turned up and wanted to see them whilst she looked after them. This of course was when I stopped taking the kids there 💔

No he lives in his dad’s flat paid for by him. He is an only child , very spoilt , selfish and entitled x

She's a horrible human being who raised another horrible human being. Yes, she should have helped you. Any moral and reasonable woman would have.

If I knew that my son was abusing his partner, I would cut contact with him and support the partner in any way possible.

My oldest Ds is only 10 so hard to imagine ever reporting him to the police but I would 100% support his dp to leave him. Including financially (instead of leaving him any inheritance). I would make sure he knew I was completely disgusted by him and the only support he would get from me would be support to attend courses and treatment for perpetrators of dv.

You wasn’t a weak person you were most likely under coercive control.

And yeah cut her off 💗

they Always had a very strained relationship. He speaks to her horribly verbally abuses her and has physically smashed her house up a few times. He uses her for money. Doesn’t actually care about her day to day doesn’t check in on her or help her. They went months not talking to each other I would always encourage him to treat her with respect and visit her. I would be the one supporting her and helping her out if she needed it. He would send me to visit her with the kids and couldn’t bare to be around her for long. I also couldn’t bare how he talked to her infront of our kids. Since I have left him it’s almost as if she’s rushed to take the opportunity to build a relationship with him and do what he wants it’s so bizarre. I just feel like after knowing everything he’s done to me and our children why would you even want to be around a person like that son or not. Especially when he isn’t remorseful and repeats the same horrible behaviour.

This is why I felt very let down that she would say now I’ve finally found the strength after all these years to leave , that he should get to see his kids and she wouldn’t turn him away if he turned up. Knowing he uploaded the video of us having sex without my consent after everything else I just don’t know 😢

thank you even this I would have appreciated. That she would only support him in counselling or making sure he did anger management. But to continue to act like nothing has happened and enable his other bad behaviour. Even if I left , he is still out in society able to terrorise other women x

I’d have reported my violent prick of a son to the police myself and supported you all the way. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with an abusive arsehole and his apologist mother. Some women seem to still have the but he’s my little boy…” mentality and just enable shit behaviour from their not so little princes. I’ve heard one even have the temerity to use the “he must have been provoked/what did you do” bullshit.

I also know this is SO hard for all of you who have raised good young boys. So I imagine if you had to think about them doing this it would be hard to imagine what you’d do. I guess as a PP said , a mother who raised her son right wouldn’t ever be in a position to have to report her own son

If my ds behaved like that, I'd be beyond furious.

1. I'd help her to leave if that's what she wanted. Find her somewhere to live. Help with money
2. Offer to support her in going to the police, getting an injunction etc
3. Read my son the riot act. Make it absolutely clear that he disgusted me and if I ever heard of him going within a mile of any of them again, I'd report him to the police myself.
4. Offer her help with child care if I could.

My df was ready with his fists. I really don't like bullies. 😡

I'm sorry this has happened to you. However, I think you should focus your feelings on him and not her.

If any of my son's ever did that I'd offer you and DGC support to leave him. I'd be ashamed of him and tell him so too. Thank goodness you are well rid of him.

I think in reality no one knows what they would do until they're in that situation. It's very easy to say you would cut off your son if you were in that situation, but I wonder how many actually would. It's like when people are in court or committed of awful crimes their parents often stand by them and I always wonder how and why. But then I also think you love your children unconditionally and it's so much more complex than just saying you would cut them off. You don't know what you would do until you're in that situation.