Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

^ This

How was she getting home? Bus?

Personally non-issue but if you wanted have a discussion that she was late. She is not in trouble as she communicated it to you well and you respect that, but going forward she needs to learn to make it home by curfew. If it's bus was late x,y,z have a chat with her about what she could have done differently. Treat it as a learning exercise, zero punishment and lots of praise for what she did right also.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hQLUaT70Bp4

Just that.

When I was 14, I arrived home 15 minutes after the school dance was over.
When I put my hand on the doorknob, the door flew open and a hand reached out and dragged me inside and I got punched in the face. What I saw next was a fist coming at me, so my reaction was to duck — my mother’s fist struck the big front door, shocking her into semi-rationality.
My mum thought the dance had ended at 10pm when in fact it had ended at 11.
I ended up with a black eye and Mum ended up with a bruised hand.
Over the years, she embellished her story where she heard many sirens and was positive I’d been injured in a car crash, blah blah blah, but she could never answer the simple question of why she didn’t just pick up the phone and call the one hospital in our tiny town if she was so concerned.
There were no sirens. Mum would never admit what she really thought I was doing for that missing hour.
And she never apologised.

I agree. Your friends are being unreasonable!

That's awful, and I speak as a 70s kid who got frequent clips round the ear for "giving lip". Absolutely no need. ☹️

I see what you all did as fine. Now if she had missed 3:30 by 30 minutes and hadn’t called or messaged I would have been upset and had a talking but she let you know right away she would be late and got to you as soon as she could. It was very mature of her to do.

I'm sure someone would have already said this but I haven't rtft. I think you're teaching her that mum will stay calm and helpful if something goes wrong. I don't want my child to worry about contacting me if something hasn't gone to plan.

I have anxiety disorder which is centred on timekeeping, due to a childhood of growing up in the 80s and 90s when phones weren’t a thing and being terrified of the tongue lashing I was going to get if I was late home. I’m 42 and this is still a massive issue for me.

She communicated, was clearly doing her best to be back and acted in a mature way that encourages your trust. You responded supportively and put her at ease. Nothing wrong with that.

if she’d messaged you again at 4pm to say ‘catching the bus now’, it’d be a different story but that’s not what we’re talking about.

if she was regularly late, and never even tried to hit the curfew, then maybe even 5 mins late would be worthy of reprimand but that’s not the case at this point.

I think that everything you have described sounds like great parenting, and the fact that you have such good comminication and a good relationship and are treating eachother well is evidence of good parenting - sooo...not sure if anyone else has asked but I am wondering what important parenting mistakes you think you have made in the past?!

Ask your friends if they need a hand removing the sticks from their arses.

Absolutely fine. She let you know that she was running late that’s a bonus point as far as I am concerned.

She let you know where she was and was 5 minutes late. If you were picking her up from somewhere and were 5 minutes late, would you expect her to epically kick off? If not, of course you shouldn't make a fuss over 5 minutes. In fact, considering the state of public transport I'm surprised that's all it was. I think you should care less what your friends think about your parenting.

This is me!!!!

My mum was so strict and SO rigid. I would get in touch for being 1 minute late and now I have to get everywhere super early. It’s so frustrating but it’s a habit now.

Keep on being flexible with your DD, OP. You’ll have trust and good communication, some parents care about ‘laying down the law’ and that’s all

Wow. Some oriole on here? Have those saying 'say 3.30 is 3.30' have never been late in their lives? Taking public transport?
She let you know. She was 5 minutes late. I'd only start getting a bit annoyed if it got past 4. Really I think some people are just too precious.

People that should read 🙄

Your reaction is fine, OP. It's your friends who are weird.
This would probably apply to a slightly older (car driving) age group, but when I was a teenager one of my mates' parents always used to say "better 5 minutes late in this world than 50 years too early in the next."

She was only 5 mins late, messaged you to let you know and ran to get back. I think it’s fine and definitely not something to punish for.
learning how long it takes to get places is difficult so hopefully this is just a learning opportunity that she should give herself an extra 10 minutes next time

My mum would kick off majorly if you were a minute late (pre-mobile phone days so you couldn't get in touch unless there was a phone box nearby).
All that happened was if I knew I was running late because of buses etc.. I would just stay out with my friends and have fun because a minute late or an hour late I was going to get punished either way
Your DD was responsible. She informed you once she realised she would be late.
It could have been a bus running slow, but she's learned not to leave it to the last minute now.

Pick your battles. Unless you needed to leave somewhere at 3:30 on the nose then 5 minutes late is of no consequence.

My curfew at 15 was 10pm. I never went home for that time as i knew my dad would pick me up by ten past of i wasnt home. He would be cross with me for being late and id have a lift. 😂

3.35pm is ridiculous to be narky about.

It was 5 minutes and she let you know she was running late. If it becomes every time she goes out I would consider taking it further with her but as a one off I’d just have a quick word and timekeeping and leave it at that. 🤷‍♀️

You should get her one of those electronic tags that they use for ASBOs. Then your friends might be happy!

Given that she seems to have gotten the bus, and that you saw her scurrying up the hill, no problem whatsoever.
Bus was probably running a few minutes late and she realised and let you know, then tried to make the time up to make sure you weren't later. As others have said, this would be an entirely reasonable thing to do to a friend, and you wouldn't be annoyed if another adult did it to you.

The time to be annoyed about curfews is when things happen due to poor planning, which I think is what the hard line people are usually referring to, like if she hadn't taken account of the fact that it's a 25 minute bus journey home, but the bus is at 15 and 45 minutes past the hour, so she needs to get the 45 to meet the curfew, or she's at a friends 5 minutes walk away, and couldn't be bothered to leave on time.

Sounds like she was very responsible, she let you know where she was so you weren't worrying.Why on earth would you punish her ? I'd be very proud to have such a sensible, responsible 12 year old.