Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

Why is this even a tale that you're sharing with your friends? It's such a non event. Of course it's not bad parenting and I can't imagine why your friends are even commenting.

My DGM was super strict with my DM, she recalls having to run hone from the pub at 18 do as not to miss an 11pm curfew. As a result she was always really flexible with us, although the rules were always to be in touch if we weren't going to be back when we said, more challenging pre mobiles!

I think it's fine, I would say good parenting and shows she respects you and the rules to stay in touch and rush back

She let you know she was going to be late and it's not like she was 2 hours late. I think in the old days without mobile phones maybe parents started to worry if I child was late and that's where it comes from. Mostly of my kids text me they are late but are in the right vicinity of the time we agreed then it's no big deal. If I know we absolutely need to leave and they can't be late I will forewarn them and also ask them to be back earlier.

It was a few minutes buses can be unpredictable FFS. You can't expect her to be responsible over something she has no control over. She got herself home safe and well that's the main thing. She let you know she would be a few minutes late.

She was 5 minutes late but she messaged to let you know she was going to be late complete non issue

Bless her. Total over reaction from your mates, don’t let them influence how you bring her up.

OP, this is absolutely fine, you and your dd.

I'd put a location tracker on your dd's phone like FindMy or Life360. Some people will no doubt criticise my surveillance parenting but youth of today do not have the same notions of privacy with so many location apps out there. It also allows you to lengthen the leash because you can see at any time where they are and give them more freedom as a result.

Your 12 year old will be a teenager soon and will be wanting more freedom, so something to think about for the future.

Your friends are really weird. Your daughter is doing her best and handling it very well. Why cause anxiety for her when essentially she is behaving very well.

You sound like a great parent! I respect my daughter and she reciprocates. If we needed to leave at 3.30pm to be somewhere, I’d have communicated that well in advance and also checked what bus she intended to get/that the bus would make it on time etc. If she knew this and was still late, we would have had a conversation and I would have been cross. But if it was an arbitrary time like this and she communicated, there’s not a chance I would be punishing her for being a few minutes late. Late for what?

I read an article once and it was from the dads POV I think, they were v v strict with their kids curfews, big trouble if they were late. One day his DD was late, knew she'd been in trouble, drove home way way too fast and wrapped the car around a tree and was killed. He said it was the worst rule they'd ever made. From America I guess as teens can driver earlier but still, has stuck with me .

My point being, good on you for not making it an issue.

Depends on multiple factors I suppose.

A) You are all catching a train at 15:45 and live a 10 minute walk from the station - bad.
B) Your daughter has a dentist appt at 1600, a 25 minute walk away and now you have wriggle room - bad.

Obviously, most people would say to be home by 1530 so you are ready to leave the house at 1600. No need to freak out about 5-15 minutes late. Depends on the family's planning.

My husband is military and he accepts that normal humans will generally be a bit late, especially teenagers.

It is not bad parenting. You have taught your daughter a valuable lesson by accepting her text and trusting her to come home albeit slightly later. She will respect you for trusting her and is likely to always let you know what’s happening and that she is alright when out.
You treated her like a responsible girl and so she will most likely live up to this in future. Well done, I say.

Would you expect to be reprimanded in a situation like this if you were a few minutes late and you had let them know?

Thats bonkers. If she’s going to get in trouble for that she might as well just give up.

Your child messaged. Shows she took the curfew seriously and cares enough about you to keep you informed. Unless her few minutes late caused her to miss a flight sounds like she nailed it and you did to showing her that as long as she keeps you up to date you’re fair.

She communicated with you and really wasn’t very late at all! She sounded like she was trustworthy and wanted to be on time. If you came down heavy on her for that she’d resent you. if you’re happy and she’s happy you’re winning.

I think this is the right way to handle it. My DD was late a few times when she first started going out alone. I didnt punish her and it very rarely happens now. It can take some time for them to learn time management and realise how long it will take to get back home.

I think she handled the situation very well. Sounds like good parenting overall when she is this able.
Your friends expectations and the fact that they chose to comment is weird though.

RE long trains. More than likely. A lot of freight trains run at night and some of them seem to go on forever, and are a lot slower than passenger trains!

I was at a rail crossing the other day & a freight train went (slowly) by.

35 wagons!

Well yes I was just waiting so had nothing else to do!

Yeah seems like you two are bossing it if you ask me

the only thing i would say about it, really, is that telling you 3 minutes before she was due to arrive is too late. She should have told you as soon as she got on the bus, if not before if she knew it was going to be late.

But apart from that, meh. your friends are weird.

She let you know, it was only a few mins, it’s not a big deal. You obviously know it was genuine and she was clearly worried YOU would be worried hence why she text you and was rushing back. Personally, I wouldn’t want my child that feared they were rushing back at all costs not to be a min late because what if they rushed out into traffic or god forbid took a lift off a stranger because they weren’t thinking clearly! Fair enough if it was a regular thing and they kept pushing it 5, 10, 15 mins each time and not letting you know, but this is a one off so I’d just tell your friends to mind their business and keep an eye on it. I also wouldn’t tell your friends so much because they sound very judgmental. Was it them that told you you have “misunderstood important parenting stuff”? Because that might not be the case either!!

Would be fine with me if they let me know. If they were late every single time, I would be having a cha about it.

It's not bad parenting.
She obviously made an effort to get home at the right time. She was only 5mins late.
I'd personally give 30mins leeway before starting to react negatively. And even then there might be circumstances in which I wouldn't be angry.
I don't think there's any point in being needlessly struct with older children.
Behave like a reasonable person and expect them to also behave like a reasonable person.
Only react badly if they are blatantly taking the piss.

It's absolutely not bad parenting. We never had curfews. We discussed what time they would be back on a case by case basis,and there was always scope for negotiation if circumstances changed. You want them to grow up sensible and prepared to discuss things with you- not so bound by reality his rules they feel they can't talk about it.