Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

How would you discipline a 5 year old for saying this horrific thing?

439 replies

avata · 21/05/2024 17:53

My mum was looking after my five year old today while I was at work. She had told him he would have an ice cream from the shop next to the park after school, but by the time they had left the park it was fine for dinner so said it was now too late for an ice cream.

He kicked off massively in the shop, falling to the floor and screaming/shouting. He then ran off down the road and another parent went after him, whom he proceeded to also shout at.

He said to mum he hope she's gets run over by a car. She said that is an awful thing to say, particularly to family, he said he hopes she gets abandoned by her family.

I am so unbelievably cross, shocked and upset with him.

I'm not sure how to play this in terms of consequences and discipline?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
DahliaSmith · 21/05/2024 21:55

GivePeaceAChance · 21/05/2024 21:43

The run over issue yes. Translating it to wishing someone gets run over….mmmmm.
Not all kids know of Cinderella, Hansel and Gretal and Rapunzal. We didn’t read our boys those fairy tales….more Winnie the witch, a dog who can dig, the tiger comes to tea, louds of mystery books, Harry Potter
Did my kids dwell on Harry being an orphan…..no…..would they wish it on someone in anger……no.
So I would ask why they said what they said and if they’d heard anyone else say those things. Sometimes nasty stuff goes around the playground…it would be worth finding out.

Id like to know.

Show quote history

What books you read to your children has no bearing on the books that other people read to their children, you know that?

Yes, nasty stuff does go around in the playground, and I Hope You Get Run Over is on the milder end of it.

I'm not sure what you're digging at?

nupnup · 21/05/2024 21:56

DaffydownClock · 21/05/2024 18:07

He’s’…able to think critically’? Seriously? At 5 and a half? You must be joking.
Poor chap, his grandmother told him he couldn’t have the ice cream she’d promised him so wtf did she expect at his age?
All he’s learned is that she lies, you want to discipline him and he’s not getting ice cream he was looking forward to eating.
Give him a big hug, forget about punishing him and tell him he’s loved ffs.

Edited

To be fair I don't think anyone expects to be told to die, daffy. Even at 5.

GivePeaceAChance · 21/05/2024 21:59

DahliaSmith · 21/05/2024 21:55

What books you read to your children has no bearing on the books that other people read to their children, you know that?

Yes, nasty stuff does go around in the playground, and I Hope You Get Run Over is on the milder end of it.

I'm not sure what you're digging at?

Show quote history

I’m not digging at anything.🤣🙄
I suggested OP asks her son about the comments he made.
Someone suggested he’d know about abandonment from books, I pointed out not necessarily.

we are on here to offer suggestions.
You can make yours, I can make mine. If they are different, excellent, OP gets lots to think about.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Behaviour & development Families
AGlinnerOfHope · 21/05/2024 22:01

@GivePeaceAChance we had accusations of being..."
Worse than the Dursleys!"

And called an ugly old troll.

DahliaSmith · 21/05/2024 22:01

nupnup · 21/05/2024 21:56

To be fair I don't think anyone expects to be told to die, daffy. Even at 5.

Show quote history

To be fair, he said Run Over By A Car.

At five he's probably got being run over at the forefront of his mind as Something Bad, because he's being taught road safety. He didn't say Fuck Off and Die Granny. It's not rocket science.

GivePeaceAChance · 21/05/2024 22:02

AGlinnerOfHope · 21/05/2024 22:01

@GivePeaceAChance we had accusations of being..."
Worse than the Dursleys!"

And called an ugly old troll.

🤯🤯

Bournetilly · 21/05/2024 22:03

He was promised an ice cream then told he couldn’t have one. Unless he was refusing to leave the park and misbehaving then it’s not his fault your mum didn’t keep an eye on the time. He could have still had his ice cream. Was he at least offered something else for after his tea?

Obviously what he said was bad but at that age I don’t think he can fully understand what that means. It’s not the same as an older child/ teenager or adult saying it.

HooleyB · 21/05/2024 22:05

Concrete reasoning starts at 7 not 5.5 and really does give a developmental context to what he's said. I agree it's not ok and he needs to be told that and help to find other words but he doesn't really have the ability to understand the meaning of his words because no matter how bright he can't concretely reason! I do think it was a fairly stupid thing your mum set up. I'd never promise an ice cream and then not get it.

Kandalama · 21/05/2024 22:06

FreshStar · 21/05/2024 21:11

I’m really shocked at the responses on this thread. Who cares about the ice cream “promise” being broken? His behaviour is much more concerning. What if the ice cream wasn’t available for another reason? Is his behaviour still okay? Presumably at some point he will have to process disappointment and not having his own way. What if he had to leave his fun activity early to get the ice cream on time, and then also acted this way as he didn’t want to leave early - it’s a slippery slope

My parents would never have let me act like this at his age. He’s obviously a kid that’s used to getting his own way, I wouldn’t be going out of my way to comfort him in this instance. He needs a gentle conversation that his behaviour was also hurtful and the ice cream really isn’t that relevant

Exactly!

Soontobe60 · 21/05/2024 22:07

avata · 21/05/2024 18:01

Thank you for your responses.

He is 5.5 and very bright/switched on for his age. He is able to thinking critically, and understand why he wasn't able to have an ice cream.

It's the hurtful things that have bothered me the most, because I know he knows how unkind that is.

I take into account everything you've said, and will speak to my mum as well.

I think you’re overestimating your DSs ability to control his emotions here, and therefore doing him a disservice. He is the same age as my grandson. He would probably react in the same way in this situation. We would wait until he was calm, then talk about what he did, and why it wasn’t nice. We would also tell him that we could understand why he was so upset at being promised something then that promise being broken.

AGlinnerOfHope · 21/05/2024 22:09

To the posters shocked at the 'permissive parenting'-

No one has said it's fine for the boy to talk like that.
People have said he is a little boy who has handled a big disappointment badly and doesn't need additional punishment.

He's undoubtedly been told it's an awful thing to say already.

It's not a choice between 'let them do what they like' and 'punish them soundly'.

There's a third option. Discuss what happened. Agree it wasn't great. Try and do things differently in future.

Supersimkin2 · 21/05/2024 22:09

DS gets to apologise for the death wish and Granny gets to buy him an ice cream once he’s done so.

BurbageBrook · 21/05/2024 22:14

That was really rubbish and mean of your mum to go back on a promised ice cream tbh. I would talk to him about why his words were wrong and hurtful but he's five. I wouldn't punish him. And he was really let down by your mum.

BurbageBrook · 21/05/2024 22:15

Hell if someone promised ME an ice cream and then went back on it I'd be angry! I feel sorry for him.

Koalaslippers · 21/05/2024 22:18

AGlinnerOfHope · 21/05/2024 22:09

To the posters shocked at the 'permissive parenting'-

No one has said it's fine for the boy to talk like that.
People have said he is a little boy who has handled a big disappointment badly and doesn't need additional punishment.

He's undoubtedly been told it's an awful thing to say already.

It's not a choice between 'let them do what they like' and 'punish them soundly'.

There's a third option. Discuss what happened. Agree it wasn't great. Try and do things differently in future.

Completely agree. Discussions are what teach children not punishments that don't relate to the behaviour.

dreaaamm · 21/05/2024 22:34

BurbageBrook · 21/05/2024 22:15

Hell if someone promised ME an ice cream and then went back on it I'd be angry! I feel sorry for him.

I agree with this. Promising an ice cream especially in the future so the child has a prolonged wait is a promise that should be honoured.

It's brutal to pull the promise of an ice cream away at the last minute. Nasty thing to do.

I'm with Sonny and his evil wishes. Perfectly reasonable to be furious about that especially in a 5 year old world.

& every one says nasty things they don't mean when they are angry.

& again he's 5 years old.

RedMark · 21/05/2024 22:36

I wonder how the adults on here would react if something they were really looking forward to was cancelled just because someone said they couldn't go anymore. (A holiday? A wedding? A comedy show?)

Imagine being so livid that the holiday you've been saving for for years was cancelled. You're angry, you lose your temper a bit. And someone you love comes along and says "ah well plans change!"

crumpet · 21/05/2024 22:41

Was he given the choice to stay longer at the park and not have time for an ice cream, or to leave sooner and have the ice cream?

it was your mums time management that left no time for an ice cream, not surprised he was massively pissed off. Of course he doesn’t want her to be run over. He was trying to express how cross and upset he was and to hurt her. And if she and you react, he’ll know jolly well which buttons to press another time

BumpyaDaisyevna · 21/05/2024 22:43

He may well be able to think critically and see other perspectives in a grounded emotional place.

He won't be able to do that when in a high affect state, though such as the one he was in when he made that comment.

You have to be very mature indeed to be able to remain able to think while simultaneously experiencing powerful affects. Many adults can't do it!

thorneyislanddoris · 21/05/2024 22:44

I feel really sorry for your son.

To promise him an ice cream and then go back on it was really mean.

I'm not surprised your son kicked off.

Terrible parenting.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 21/05/2024 22:49

If someone promised me an ice cream then changed their mind I'd kick off as well 🤷‍♀️

Your mum was out of order.

Begaydocrime94 · 21/05/2024 22:53

Everyone saying oh she promised the ice cream what did she expect would happen- probably not for him to say he wants her to get run over :/
I must have missed the memo where kids ate entitled to ice creams. It was one instance of him not getting what he wanted, I’m sure little Jimothy will survive. in the meantime, he doesn’t get to say intentionally hurtful things to his caregivers.

nocoolnamesleft · 21/05/2024 22:56

Begaydocrime94 · 21/05/2024 22:53

Everyone saying oh she promised the ice cream what did she expect would happen- probably not for him to say he wants her to get run over :/
I must have missed the memo where kids ate entitled to ice creams. It was one instance of him not getting what he wanted, I’m sure little Jimothy will survive. in the meantime, he doesn’t get to say intentionally hurtful things to his caregivers.

The reason he was entitled to an ice cream was because she had promised him one. This wasn't a child suddenly demanding an ice cream out of nowhere. This was a child who felt betrayed, because someone he trusted him had promised an ice cream, still dragged him into the shop that sold the ice creams, but didn't get him one for no good reason. The vast majority of children that age would have kicked off at that point.

Begaydocrime94 · 21/05/2024 22:58

thorneyislanddoris · 21/05/2024 22:44

I feel really sorry for your son.

To promise him an ice cream and then go back on it was really mean.

I'm not surprised your son kicked off.

Terrible parenting.

Sounds like his gran made an honest mistake with timing though. Why aren’t adults allowed to make mistakes and have to flagellate themselves? She didn’t intentionally break a promise, the kid isn’t entitled to an ice cream. There’s kids living in actual poverty and war zones i think we can safely assume no ice cream won’t cause him any lasting trauma. Everyone needs to just chill out and stop holding themselves to such high accountability but their children to none. Life is messy, everyone makes mistakes, let’s show a bit of understanding and compassion ey

INeedToClingToSomething · 21/05/2024 23:01

"He is 5.5 and very bright/switched on for his age. He is able to thinking critically, and understand why he wasn't able to have an ice cream. "

Ummm no he isn't. He's 5. Even if he's a bright 5. His emotional regulation is not developed enough yet which is why he flipped out and said horrible things. Obviously you need to help him learn to emotionally regulate by explaining why what he says was wrong and hurtful and teaching him better ways to express his emotion but was he wrong to be disappointed? No of course not. And ca you expect him to be able to emotional regulate following a bitter disappointment at age 5. No you can't, his brain's not developed enough yet. So you don't promise a 5 year child an ice cream then not deliver. They will be bitterly disappointed, and likely overreact, and that's not fair.

Next time tell grandma not to mention the ice cream unless she is going to deliver.