wish i was not an older mum

[burgercokefries]

There ive said it i hate being an older mum.
Im 51 with a 5 year old what was i thinking.
Im tired im cranky in the mist of peri.

Just wanted a wee rant i cant tell people IRL they will think im selfish.

48 with a 19 year old 4 year old and a 3 year old.
I wish i just stayed at one.
MY HONEST OPINION IS.
I saw a rise in older mums and wanted the same its ruined me TBH.
Im skint no time to myself one or the other always crying and having tantrums.
Ive aged more now than i did with my first.
The pressure on parents as pushed my limits.
laundry basket never empty sick bugs never ending.
Its put a lot of pressure on me and my partner and we are on thin ice.
I have no energy any more.
All my friends have moved on and the youngest child in my friend group is 15.
They did warn me i turned down a girls weekend a few times as i just dont have the child care.
Family wont help us they have a rule you had them you look after them they are not wrong.
Im a SAHM due to the cost of child care.
I ruined myself because i wanted to be part of the older mums trends looking back i should have seen it wasnt a good choice i was acting like a twat thinking times running for me.
I cant blame my partner i talked him into it he tried to talk me out of it.
But i always have to win.
We have no sex life because we are so exhausted.
Now i see what him and others were saying.

I feel a bit smug now that i choose not to have kids.

Your comment is in extremely poor taste on this thread, where many women who had a baby past the age of 40 are struggling badly as it was much harder work than they thought having a small child in their mid 40s. What a horrible post. I'm embarrassed for you!

Well this is the most terrifying thing I've read today.

@LostittoBostik True, I agree that motherhood is ageing in general but at an older age which biologically even 35 is (many women will already be entering perimenopausal at this age as it begins 8 - 10 years prior to menopause) there isn't any bounce back as you might get in your 20's and then as I was even older the effects were worse. I don't so much care about looking young for me but I hate how it could affect my child either by them being aware of my age or other kids being aware of it getting asked if I am their grandmother for example.

Its also how going though menopause effects you I am so tired and struggle with family life at this stage of my life, like many women do, that urge to run away and be alone is true for me as well but there is no way I could do that.

I found the hardest years to be teens and I was 38 when I had her. The hardest years to me were not under 5. My mum had me at 40 and unfortunately dementia had taken hold by the time my youngest was born. I now tell my girls to have families younger and I will support in whatever way I can.

Im 57 my girls are 14 &16 so are a bit older now teen years were and still are bad with one but we will get there.
I have aged more with teen years.
Also told my girls if they want familys dont leave it to late.
I have been taken to be gran more than once and it has embarrassed them.
They dont like me going to the schools and have been know to call me nan in public so they feel less embarrassed i dont blame them as i do use a walking stick now due to a bad knee and im slower now.
I do wish i had them in my 30s.
I do feel i have been selfish because by the time they do have familys i dont think i will be around if i am i wont be able to help them.
My husband is 60 and not in good health.
And they both scare me when they argue because me and my husband cant just bounce up and sort it.
All we do is worry now where they are are they ok stay up just in case we get a call its none stop.
To anyone that wants kids please dont leave it too long if you do think first it is not always sunshine and flowers.
57&60 is not old to some but the truth is it is.
It is to us any way.
We just want peace now and a good book cup of tea but we cant because we left it to late.
Our glasses are getting thicker and our bones are getting weaker.

That's really poor taste. Why post that?

I’m in my late 20s and go to a playgroup with DD where I am the only one under 30 with a good majority being over 40(I admire one of the ladies there who is 45 with a newborn and 4 under 6- she’s the same age as my mum) I think older parents are becoming more common, seems like you’re coming out the other side, your DC will only get easier OP.

I think it’s good to see the downsides as you only ever see the positives of being an older mum on here.

💐

A good honest thread.
Im 49 and quite frankly ive fu!k up wish i had never had started.
I have a 18&22 year old life was good.
Exhusband didnt want more kids i did it was such an urge.
So i had an affair that ended with a divorce from my husband rightly so and me being a single mum and new man went back to his wife.
The urge was hormones but im a shamed to say i spent too much time seeing what i thought were cooler older mums on insta and tictok.
I ruined my marriage broke up my home.
Now im doing school runs alone and will be parenting in to my 60s.
With a non verbal autistic child that will scream with a meltdown and kick off at any moment.
I do cry when i sit and think what i did i had it all now im just getting by.
My older children are embarrassed of me and what i did to have a baby.
They are in the process of moving abroad to live with their dad and i dont blame them.

Thats all i kept seeing was the positives but it's not always like that.
Im pleased its not just me.

Well I feel more smug that I did! I don't know what brought you onto a thread like this where you have absolutely nothing to offer, to make a comment like that! My children are the best thing I have ever done.

I had my children at 34, 36 and 40, not through choice but due to infertility issues and then miscarriages. Early 60s now and basically still supporting them all financially to some degree, for various reasons, which I had never anticipated.

Maybe it's because I was already older when I had my first, but tbh I never noticed much difference with age. The youngest was the most challenging but I have never had any regrets. I breastfed until I was over 42 and I didn't have any more periods for most of that. I was post-menopausal by the time I was 45/46.

I'm sad to see how many mums are finding it so hard. Some of my friends had their kids way younger than me. One is younger than me but had her children around the same time as I had mine. I have a group of friends too who I met through school, who are all younger than me, so again, children of not dissimilar ages.

@burgercokefries I can see that such a huge age gap can't be easy, because you are going to spend most of your adult life being an active mum.

@moonbabyearthworm my heart goes out to you xx

I think it partly has to do with the fact that almost everyone secretly thinks that ageing is not going to happen to them like it happens to other people

a kind of optimism and wilful ignorance 😁

walnutcoffeecakeYesterday 20:51
feel a bit smug now that i choose not to have kids.

I could feel even smugger, I chose to have three DC and from my late 40’s have had DC at uni or the workforce. I’m now mid 50’s, with all the richness that having DC brings, actually affluent, retired, travelling the world and seeing my friends all the time. Only I’m not smug, I went on this thread to support a poster who is having a tough time and brave enough to admit it.

Agree before it happens to you you think it won’t happen to you! Felt fabulous at 42 no different than 35. Late 40s / early 50s is an entirely different zone.

Had my first at 16 second at 18.
They are now 19 and 21 in may.
I couldent do it all again or even start at the age of 37.
Im still young but sometimes i feel 90 and im loving having my freedom back.
gosh doing sleepless nights again and teen years in your 50s 60s you are strong women.
But its nice to see a thread that is truthful about being an older mum.
My sister had a baby at 40 she does not recommend it with an 18 year gap.
She said she wont be free again until early 60s.

Exactly this. I don't think women think this through when they plan a baby at 44-45.

Sorry so many of you are struggling - this thread has been eye-opening.

I kind of get the hormonal thing though. I have a 15yr old and a 12yr old, am late 40s and divorced their Dad in my mid 30s.

After ten years single, I've met a wonderful man and won't lie, would love to have a baby with him but my age and the fact he's had the snip means it won't happen.. but my goodness, the urge is so so SO strong! I can totally see if we'd met even 5 years ago, I could've been very tempted to go again..

But who plans a baby at 44-45? There’s this idea that women purposely put off parenthood until very late, but the reality is most women who have a baby at 45 do so because they didn’t meet a man who was father material till later in life and/or had prolonged fertility issues.

I have to admit this thread has me worried! I had my first at 41 after leaving it a bit late (TTC in mid-30s) and fertility problems. I am considering another via donor IVF when I would be 44 but wonder if it would be a mistake or make things easier in the long term when they are old enough to play together.

My parents had me later in life and it's resulted in me having nobody to turn to family-wise besides my one remaining elderly parent. All other family is long dead. I lost my other parent as a kid.

I myself am 40 with an almost 10yr old (DH is 2 years younger) and feel guilt for not having DC younger, even though I'm still younger than my parents were when they had me.
As a child they felt like grandparents. It feels like either a generation is missing or that I should've been born 2 decades earlier

It's tiring but I'd choose life with children over being childless. The positives all outweigh the negatives for me! Having my son is better than what I imagined in a lot of ways actually. And I know for a fact my mum is glad she is a mother now she is old, as we look out for her. Older childfree relatives regret they had none. I know this isn't everyone but anyone who comments on this sort of thread looks a bit bitter like they are trying to convince themselves they are happy with their choice tbh.

My last pregnancy at 41 was my easiest,no sickness,no being hospitalised with high BP I felt great. Menopause the following year. I was tired, but I had to return to work when she was 3 months old, I just had a nap with hers,was breastfeeding. No pumps 32 years ago,hand pumped, frozen for when I was at work. When she was 1,full time nights. I didn't get to get anything other than a nap till she went to nursery at 4. Had my 2 youngest DSs at home. My ex H, left me with massive debt, about £70k, remember this was 30 years ago, probably be equal to £100k now.

After reading this thread im pleased i made the choice to have a cut of point at 35.
And pleased i had them young not the case for everyone i get that.
But i did not want to be parenting into my 50s or older i did want my time back at some point.
My eldest is 21 now my youngest is 20 next year.
I could not imagine doing it all over again at 38 let alone in my 40s.
As someone said in the thread we all make a choice and sometimes we need to really think of the long term.
Ive seen some parents and i dont know if they are nan or mum.
My friend had a baby at 46 and she regrets it not the child her choice in timing.
And the realisation she will be parenting in to her almost 60s.
And her partner left with in a year it put so much strain on both of them.
Her mother can't baby sit as shes 80 with health issues and in a care home her dad passed away before she was pregnant.
her siblings are older and said they cant baby sit all the time as they have other things going on now.
Shes aged so much i think its sleep and she will bounce back.
He is a lovely 2 year old but hes full on and in the tantrum stage.
She pays extra at daycare just to have more time on her own.
She tells me how lucky i am not to have to deal with it now.
Im not smug but i do think i made the right choice.

Another older mum here. I have children of various ages and I am well into the peri-menopause and heading rapidly toward the menopause.

Marriage problems and now a young child to factor into everything. Life is easier with my older two. I am trying to throw everything into mothering my youngest, the truth is my patience is really stretched and yes, all I want to do is be left alone for long periods of time. Trying to do things in bursts - quality time not quantity and all that.

Not much other support in real life. I do feel alone with this sometimes. I wouldn't be without her though, she is a gorgeous dc. On the plus side no major financial worries, so I can kick back a bit when dcs are at school.

Moonbabyearthworm that sounds really tough.