wish i was not an older mum

[burgercokefries]

There ive said it i hate being an older mum.
Im 51 with a 5 year old what was i thinking.
Im tired im cranky in the mist of peri.

Just wanted a wee rant i cant tell people IRL they will think im selfish.

I feel you - I'm 41 and pregnant with my second, and I'm so, so tired. Have one already who's 3.5 and I am wondering a bit how I'm going to cope even though this was very much a planned pregnancy! Just been diagnosed with cancer too which is making everything more complicated. I'm determined to get myself as fit and healthy as I can as I'm hoping that will make a difference (once I'm over the morning sickness, anyway!)

The plus for me is that all my friends have kids the same age so at least we're still in the same life stage. And I really made the most of my 20s and 30s!

It’s so personal I get coming to first time motherhood late due to life circumstances is one thing but I cannot imagine why people with teens or young adults “go again”. Honestly makes me recoil in horror. Dont you want the last active phase of your life to be living for yourselves not endless parenting? All your friends and peers would have moved on travelling / hobbies living for themselves you are stuck there at soft play of reading Biff and Chip with the menopause. Dear god no way. Just cannot relate. Guess some people just love parenting over and over again.

That's not very helpful

I've named changed too as I've not told anyone this. I'm 44 with a 3.5 year old, who is bloody exhausting, spirited and full on. My husband really really wants another but I'm terrified.

• Terrified of the impact on our marriage (we had problems)
• terrified of the impact on my son (who is very sensitive)
• terrified of the impact on my health / energy
• and terrified something will go wrong and I'll leave my darling son without a mum.

We have zero family other than some toxic grandparents we rarely see, so there's no-one to help.

Paradoxically that also means I worry about NOT having another, as my son is going to be an only child with no real wider family.

Also, I hate it went people talk about older mums "taking their time". I didn't meet my husband until later in life and my previous boyfriends were absolutely not father material. As soon as we knew we were serious about each other we started family planning, and I had my child at 41.

This thread makes me think how lucky I am to have had mine when i did.
It was hard enough back then but i had energy.
Now at 38 im starting to feel it some days.
My baby is 19Years old eldest 21 nothing could make me do it all again.

My sister had her second at 42 with an 18 year gap.
She regrets waiting so long and tbh i dont want to talk about baby stuff when i visit i cant deal with the noise either.

My friend had one at 40 but then a second at 45, she had kind of thought it was not happening then. She just didn’t meet anyone before. She is finding it so stressful it’s affecting her marriage. She is the same age as my DH who is looking to retire in a couple of years so we can go travelling. She regrets having one at 45 and feels she wants him to graduate before she gives up work. Her Dad died aged about 62 and I think she is worried she won’t live a long life and see him grow up.

I had my first and only child at 18.
Now at 37 loving freedom again I did have a moment of maybe i should go for it but after hearing from older mums not all bad but some were very honest.
And the cost and the long term of parenting how the world has change since i had my son.
And what id have to give up on having responsibility for another human for 18 years and going through the teen years again in my 40s maybe 50s.
I can up and go when i want but cant with a baby then toddle years.
I did lots of thinking but i decided to have a coil fitted instead.
It was not for me to have another baby and pleased i didnt.
I have to thank real honest older mums for their advice.

I know a woman who had her first child at 18. She then had another at age 44. Rather her than me!

An old friend of mine had his first at 56. And his second at 59. Obvs he didn't birth them, but still. I think he will make it to 100 though. We had our last one at 39, and I still find it knackering with a three (nearly four) year old in tow at 43.

Another name changer here.
I waited for Mr right he was was Mr wrong.
He wanted kids i didnt but felt talked into it.
Had my daughter one and done at 43.
Now a single mum going through a divorce and hate it.
STBEXH could not deal with it (think i can) Pays CM very well thats all.
She is a screamer will scream at the top of her lungs for nothing no matter where we are and full of energy that i dont have.
Dreading the teen years.
Wish i had had her in my 30s or younger tbh but now i have a child i realise im not the mother type at all.
I hate a messy home i hate responsibility and cbeebies can duck right off.
She now 6 and spends a lot of time at her nans home exs mother or his sisters as i just cannot cope.
I just want peace and quiet and to be left alone.
Thank god this is a none judgemental thread.

It's so refreshing to see this thread. And the frank and transparent honesty on it. I get so tired of seeing the threads where someone asks 'AIBU to have a baby at 44?' and loads of people come on and say 'yes do it! Best thing ever!' Fact is it's not. It's bloody hard work.

A fairly healthy and fit 43 year old who feels ready and able to take on a baby, needs to take into account the fact that the child will still be at school when she is SIXTY! And whilst you feel OK in your early 40s, don't forget menopause is a bitch, and will knock the stuffing out of you! And whether people like it or not, many people will see their health start to decline at around 50.

Then there's the fact that your child has a higher chance of becoming an orphan young if you have them at 43-44+. And please don't come out with the 'but you could have them at 19 and die at 30' old chestnut, because if you have a baby at 43-44, your child is WAY more likely to be an orphan at a young age than if you have them at 19!

I understand that some people don't meet 'the one' until 40-42 or so, but people should still think very seriously before having a baby in their mid 40s. AND, like some others, I can't understand why anyone would choose to have more kids when their youngest is 15-16 or more (like some people do!!!)

As a few posters have said, it's basically 40 years of parenting! I had my 2 in my late 20s - one year apart - and I adore them, (they're now in their mid 20s, and left home when they went to uni.) I loved every minute of raising them, but I couldn't have imagined having another baby at 43-44 or so when they were in their mid to late teens. The new baby would have still been at school when me and DH were in our 60s! Eeeeek, no thanks! 😬

I totally agree with this.
And that word some say they keep me young no they bloody well dont.

I am inspired by you all. I am 33 and now single and would have loved to be a mum. You give me hope.

I don't want to scare you unnecessarily but the hardest (for me as a single older mum) is dealing with teenage DC. I'm now 60 with a 22 year old DD and an 18 year old DS and I feel like I've been running an endless marathon. On the bright side, I love them both dearly (and they love me back) and I have their respect. We get along very well now that the teenage years are over. Phew!

Im 40 and my youngest is 19 oldest 21.
No way would i want a baby now i would not cope with it the noise the cost.
And i like a nap now and then.
My friend 47 has a 20& 4 and 2 year old.
She said she felt like time was running out and there was a rise in older mums but moans about it being hard and wanting help all the time from friends and family.
I have to turn down her invites to go along to play dates its not me anymore them days are over.
I told her it was a choice not a trend you choose to have them.
I came back from spain a week ago and she tells me how lucky i am to be able to just go and how can i afford it. (well i dont have kids to take care of)
As i said we all make choices.
Shes just angry and stressed all the time blaming the world.
I do see the regret she has but she wont admit it .

I think i may fizzle out from her tbh.

I think it’s all relative. It might be different if you had it both ends of the scale (baby young, and then baby old). Then you had no time to be you and completely carefree. I had an absolute blast in my 20/30s. Absolutely no way would I have wanted a baby then. I’m now early 40s with a toddler and I absolutely love it. Pregnancy was a breeze, and I feel I have so much more energy! My mum was also older and we are so close, she was really chilled, my dad was even older and used to teach me gymnastics, golf, racquet sports, football, cricket. Same with my siblings.

My granny had my aunt at 46! Maybe we are just a later family in general, but there is absolutely no way I would have a baby any earlier than I did.

42 with a just turned 4yr old, feel like death, greying, eyebags, back problems. But I was speaking to a much younger mum with a child a year older and she said she can barely stay awake most of the time. I know someone who started a second family in his very late 50’s, this time round his younger wife is expecting him to actually make himself useful. I don’t think it’s keeping him young.

I wouldn’t have had mine any younger, I’m not the best mum but I would have been fucking awful ten years earlier.

im 38 my child is 21.
No way would i have one in my 40s.
My sister had an abortion at 39 she said 2 was enough adults now.
I just dont see the fun in parenting way in your 50s 60s almost 70s.
I mean dont you want some tome back.

I had my youngest at 38, will be 42 soon and she'll turn 4 in the autumn. Eldest is almost 7. My other half is a decade older. We are both completely knackered. On bleak days I do also compare with the lives of my childfree friends or those with much older children.

I wish we'd had them earlier but financially we weren't in a position to do so until my mid 30s

I think whenever you have kids this happens. Between 35, when I looked about 27, and 40 I aged about 18 years on my face . And went grey. A lot of it is sleep.

My 52 year old friend has 5 year old twins. Her first set age 21!

Just sending hugs OP. My DP is 55 and we have a 1year old together. I'm 35.
My DP adores our little girl, she was so wanted and our little miracle babe, but it is extra hard being that much older and I can see the strain on DP after a run of bad nights etc.
Hang in there! I'm sure you're a brilliant mum and your DD is lucky to have you 💐

I'm 60 with DCs aged 14 and 17. I turned 40 and the hormones just kicked in and I had them at 43 and 47. I know we got really lucky even though I went through meno during it all. It wasn't all plain sailing that's for sure and I don't know any mums of my age that I can relate to but they are lovely kids and I am very happy. It will get better, OP. x

Had my first at 26 and my last at 39. All good fun(!)