First time mums who have jobs requiring them to work 80-120hrs a week - advice please

[wowihaveagardennow]

I've just been given an interview for my dream job which I have been trying to get for a few years now. I apply to these posts as and when they pop up and sort of do it on autopilot.

However, for the first time in my life I am unsure about it. I am a first time mum, at the end of extending my maternity leave. It was extended because a) I have separation anxiety b) could afford to take a little longer c) I genuinely considered taking off another year but then backtracked because I was worried it would be too tricky for me to get back into work d) I need more time to find childcare that I'm happy with. Anyway, after a lot of indecision, I've decided I would like to try with my career and not become a SAHM.

I want to cry when I think about leaving DC to someone else for almost the entire day. But women need to still work and babies get looked aftered is what I'm telling myself.

And so that's the background. I know it's only an interview and I may not get the job but the job description says to be willing to work weekends and evenings. Is this possible? For anyone that's done this, did it really negatively impact your relationship/bonding with your child? And most importantly, how did you make it work? What sort of childcare did you use?

I would love any advice here. I grew up with one parent always at home and I don't really know anybody who is climbing the corporate ladder so to speak and I have no idea how mums do this (or maybe it's rare and mums just don't go there because it's not the right time!)

TIA x

I forgot to add that I have a good relationship with both my children. The eldest is quite independent and the youngest clingy so hard to tell what impact it has had on them or if they would have been different if I was a SAHM. DH had periods of redundancy at home with the children and I don’t think they’re closer to him than me. They come to us for different things. I think stability and routine are important for young children. Whatever that routine is.

'I really do not want my child to suffer because of me'

You are assuming your child's happiness and success is built purely on money/wealth.
The reality is they will be far happier with a present caregiver who spends time with them. The strain this career would put on your marriage and family life is not worth any amount of money.

Honestly I have no idea if this thread is real or not with the 120 hours.

Basically you can be the working mum on a lot of hours if you want AND your partners supportive of being the pretty much sole carer.

Can you do that many hours? Probably not unless you’re an exceptional human. I have no idea if you were before but things will be different/ harder. You’re going to get ill a lot more. You’re likely going to be more tired. And you’re also going to emotionally beat yourself up, unless you’re slightly psychopathic (which most high flyers are so it’s not meant as an insult).

This may be you. What’s the worst that can happen from trying if this is what you have always wanted.

The separation anxiety is concerning though. Your obviously not going to have the same bond compared to if you were main carer.

Goodluck

That sounds a ridiculous and unsustainable amount of hours. You haven’t said what the job is but where is says expected to work weekends and evenings does that not mean working weekends/evenings INSTEAD of mon-Fri 9-5?? I work some weekends and evening sometimes as well as the usual 9-5, if I work a weekend I have a day off during the week instead, if I work an evening i’ll be off during the day and start at around 4pm. I find it great for spending time with my young kids (3 and 13months), it means I can take them on days out during the week when places are quieter instead of having to go on weekends…I’ll probably not be so keen when they’re both at school though.

OP you could go to the interview out of interest and if they offer you the position you could then set out your circumstances and ask what allowances they can make to accommodate you seeing your child, and also ask to meet senior women with children in the organisation so you can find out how they do it. If they just aren't interested in accommodating you then at least you have found out a bit more about it all.
If you are on LinkedIn there are a number of women in finance networking and mentoring groups which might be helpful in connecting you to mothers who do these roles, to find out how they manage it.
I definitely felt the identity crisis you describe after my first. I still miss my old career & I am incredibly grateful now my daughter is at school that didnt give it up completely.

@HMW1906 no, for this kind of job it will mean working weekdays, evenings, some overnights, AND weekends on top. I know because I’ve done it! Admittedly law not banking, but I knew people in finance roles who had standing desks because if they sat down they would fall asleep. Sleeping cubby under the desk, crash for an hour or two, up and start again. A supply of fresh shirts ready to switch out after a shower (at the office). Wfh was brilliant but still sometimes I would work 9am - 6am, crash then start again if we had a big deadline. Never knew back then if the hand tremors were from tiredness or stress or the pro plus 😂

Me too!! Money does not make up for no life. I quit that existence years ago when a job was like that. I was rich but had no personal life. 18 months I'll never get back

What I meant here was I don't want them to suffer because of my career choices ie. I choose to still have a career and then my baby grows up with far less time with me.
I remember reading a teacher once saying she saw children in her class went on really expensive holidays, had the best of everything because their parents worked round the clock. But all they really wanted were their parents' time. And that really stuck with me.

That's a great idea, thank you.
Would you mind sharing who?

These threads often bring people like me to the fore that gave up that life and spent time with my kids. Mine go to state schools but i pay and they do lots extra curricular.
We have family & friends that do 100+ hours a week, send kids to too private schools and take fancier holidays.

You don't say what kind of IB role you're looking at. Are you already in FS type role? If so I'd stick out another year until DC are closer to 3-4 and then attempt the move.

I think another thing which is a small but important detail for me is that although I was born here, my family heritage is a very non western culture and so if I'm not very present it's something DC won't experience much of. And I'm trying very hard at the moment to raise her in a bilingual way (not easy when DH and I communicate in English!)

I worked a 90 hour week usually.
Nannie’s and au pairs are an option. But I just realised my heart wasn’t in it anymore

given you debated being a sahm because of separation anxiety, you have no childcare options currently and the thought of your child being cared for some else makes you want to cry
I can’t really see how you could do up to 120 hours a week and be happy

If you want this sort of career, while doing the long hours bit before you had DC would have been ideal, now is not a terrible time. We often feel the call to our babies like a physical pull that is hard to ignore, but I think the reality is babies need a loving care giver and it doesn’t have to be you, while older children need their parents.

Broadly, babies need their physical needs met and lots of affection to build bonds they can trust will meet those basic needs, which a nanny can give well. Older children need an intellectual/emotional bond with their parents that shows them they are important within their families and encourages them to reach for what they want knowing they have the firmest of foundations to fall back on - nannies are less good at this.

If the super long hours bit of your career is going to be over or winding down by the time your DC is around 10, I think it’s entirely possible to give them the best emotionally and material by pursuing it if you can afford live in childcare that is likely to be consistent and long term (maybe transitioning into a housekeeper role as the kids grow?). It will be tough and you will need to make sure you put regular time aside for your DC even when you’re working long hours so that when you get the opportunity to wind those hours down, your DC aren’t strangers. But it’s doable.

I agree you wouldn’t be happy

And it’s ok to realise your priorities have changed. It isn’t an identity crisis it’s an evolving identity .

There’s not a job (or salary) on the planet that would have been worth being away from my kids for that amount of time. They’re only young for such a short time. Blink and their childhood is over, and you don’t want to be looking back and thinking what fun the nanny had taking them to the park and the zoo etc while you earned loads of cash.

Just give it a go. If you find it is not what you wanted and you want to spent more time with your child, you can always look for a less demanding/more flexible job.

I would go to the interview if you get it. Have you a good job currently? If not, perhaps take it and see, but know your non negotiables. Ask about the cadence- are there weeks on end working till midnight then dialling into a 4h call at 8am Saturday, or the occasional couple of nights. Can you leave at 5:30 most nights to collect your child and do more work in the evening. Can you talk to a female peer? (And ask them if it’s easier to start late or finish early- I’ve always found start late easier)
but those 5 years you talk about are very important ones for your child. Seeing my child most nights is pretty high in my priorities and I couldn’t do my job without a very hands on partner who does the pick up every night, and I can work from home a few days a week. I am not in investment banking but have spent years there with big 4. A sibling has a good job in investment banking, the load depends a lot which area. My siblings team actually get to leave at 6 most nights. Deals, m&a though, i think that just isn’t compatible. The expectation is usually most days in the office also. It’s also much harder if you’re junior I’d say.

My dcs go to a London prep and quite a few of the families have 2 parents working those hours (not me, I work very pt). They have nannies but none of them live in, they come to the house early to get the dcs ready for school and do pickups, dinner and bedtime. Their dcs seem happy enough, they have a good bond with the nannies and the parents are senior enough by that stage that they have flexibility and can make all the school events. Nannies and long hours are just part of that lifestyle, their friends are in the same situation so it's normal to them.
Most of the families have had several nannies though and recruiting them seems to be an ongoing problem, it's hard to get a consistent nanny for years as people want to move on.

My ExH is in investment banking and has been for 30 years.

The hours are slightly less brutal once you are past the junior years but only slightly.

The people I know in IB who have kids have a SAHP (or if the kids are in school a parent who works part time).

The whole Nannies thing works when they are young, less so as they get older.

A lot of people move out of IB as they have kids for obvious reasons.

Who on earth would want to work that number of hours - even without children??!! There is far more to life than work.

I work a 65 hour week in banking (senior management role)

I have two primary aged children (5 & 9)

DH is self employed and the only way I can make this work is his unwavering support. He does majority of drop offs and pick ups, club runs, reading and homework.

I wfh three days a week so on those days I sit with them whilst they're having breakfast, do reading, spelling and times tables. I try to do a couple drop offs and/or pick ups as well (and block time in my diary) We also have dinner together on those nights.

It's hard but important to me. I could not do this without him

The thing that I find so absurd about this type of thing (and to be clear I have a moderately high pressure job and have left a very high pressure one because life is for living) is that all the studies show performance and efficacy drops off when you're tired. It shows that people think they can still perform, but are impaired without even realising. So these jobs are asking for exceptional hours and wanti exceptional performance (and then pay exceptional amounts of money) but the outcomes would probably be better if they paid everyone half or two thirds of the amount and employed 1.5 to 2* the people.

If it's corporate finance/M&A it can be a career (and financial) boost to do it just for a few years. I came from a big 4 and most of my year group went into corporate finance. Quite a few then went into private equity firms, a few into industry roles and the odd one back into the M&A department of a big four (not 9-5 but better than an investment bank).

The pay reflects the fact they essentially own you. It was also possible to align yourselves to MDs that were more understanding about working weekends.

It was the most interesting job I'd had but there were two females (including me) in 100 fee earners in our department. Even when we recruited women, they left within a year as I think we're possibly less willing to sacrifice our personal life than some of our male peers.

I see that law and finance have not learned the lessons that software development has learned about overtime being counter-productive. If you are so tired that you can't stay awake seated or are shaking, your work will be slow and full of errors.