First time mums who have jobs requiring them to work 80-120hrs a week - advice please

[wowihaveagardennow]

I've just been given an interview for my dream job which I have been trying to get for a few years now. I apply to these posts as and when they pop up and sort of do it on autopilot.

However, for the first time in my life I am unsure about it. I am a first time mum, at the end of extending my maternity leave. It was extended because a) I have separation anxiety b) could afford to take a little longer c) I genuinely considered taking off another year but then backtracked because I was worried it would be too tricky for me to get back into work d) I need more time to find childcare that I'm happy with. Anyway, after a lot of indecision, I've decided I would like to try with my career and not become a SAHM.

I want to cry when I think about leaving DC to someone else for almost the entire day. But women need to still work and babies get looked aftered is what I'm telling myself.

And so that's the background. I know it's only an interview and I may not get the job but the job description says to be willing to work weekends and evenings. Is this possible? For anyone that's done this, did it really negatively impact your relationship/bonding with your child? And most importantly, how did you make it work? What sort of childcare did you use?

I would love any advice here. I grew up with one parent always at home and I don't really know anybody who is climbing the corporate ladder so to speak and I have no idea how mums do this (or maybe it's rare and mums just don't go there because it's not the right time!)

TIA x

I did this. You need a live in nanny and a very supportive spouse. I worked for a large US IB (vampire squid). After 4 years my mental health was in tatters and I deeply regretted leaving my baby to go back to work.
But it is totally possible if you are on the right team, have your childcare in place etc. Ideally your partner would be a SAHP who didn't mind you never being home for bath time.

I can't understand why you would even consider having a child if you're not going to be around that many hours in his or her formative years. Sad.

Women do valuable work for the State when they bear children, by creating new citizens. When the State thinks we don't have enough children, you get Romania's Decree 770. Too many, you get China' one-child rule.

The only reason why some of us get to say no to kids is because others are saying yes to them. If we all said no, we'd be in Gilead within five years.

Children aren't really a choice.

And unlike a hobby, you are committed to dealing with them for eighteen years.

Investment banking you’d be making a lot more than that. Bonus of at least your salary, even junior roles.

I don’t really remember my Dad as a child. He was always working. I definitely felt resentment. He himself had gone to boarding school at 7! No idea how to parent. Never convinced money is worth that level of sacrifice.

It wouldn't make sense for DH to be a SAHD because he is supposed to be the high earner. I say supposed to be because he was made redundant from a c-suite role about 3 years ago now. I think partly depression/mid life crisis he took on a job that was a slightly different role to what he usually does but it means he doesn't earn anything near what he used to (but still a lot better than me). But anyway, he says he will go back to looking for his previous role but I don't really see him putting the effort in... And so I feel like for the life plans we have made one of us needs to really improve our earning prospects. Sorry this is a bit off topic...

I've learned a lot in making this post, and I'm grateful for all your responses. I don't have much concept of how mums have successful careers with children (haven't seen it first hand at least). But it makes a lot of sense that one would have to build their career up pre-children. I do not want to be an absent parent. My thread was really a fact finding one to understand how parents essentially be parents with high flying jobs. I have perhaps missed the boat on this particular career route. I am disheartened but my very wonderful DC comes first.

Another thing I wanted to address re the gaping big discrepancy between separation anxiety and wanting this career. I literally feel like two different people. Pre DC I was actually worried I would not be maternal enough. It has hit me like a bus. I love my DC to pieces and cherish every tiny moment. And I am battling so hard with a previous identity ie. having ambition and motivation to never give up on having an amazing career that could change my circumstances for the better. I thought first time mums undergoing this type of identity crisis was not uncommon.

I can't imagine working 17 hour days 7 days a week for any reason, never mind a job like that. What would be the point of even being alive.

Honestly - I think that’s an insane amount of working hours and you won’t be able to be present really at all so you will need a live in nanny and preferably a very supportive partner who doesn’t mind doing a lot of admin and organising for your lives. Having said that, I went back 20 hours a week and couldn’t manage that 🤣 so not sure I am well placed to answer!!! Best of luck however it goes for you x

I used to work a minimum of 60 hours a week, usually 70-80. As a single parent, outside help was the only way to do it. Cleaner, nanny or nursery plus childminder, whatever works for you and your family. I had no choice regarding working full time as my long term partner left while I was still on maternity leave, and it was made explicitly clear to me that my job was full time only (which as a lawyer in the City does mean long hours).
It was incredibly hard. I didn’t see enough of my child, and moved to live close to the office to reduce the commute in order to allow me to actually spend time with her in the evenings (and then carry on working once she was asleep). I loved my work, but if my partner had stuck around and I had the option of taking a career break, I probably would have done so and waited till she was a bit older to go back.

To all the people saying you can’t be primary parent or even a half decent parent - I’m a single parent (dead beat ex left the country when our son was 2) managing 80 hours a week in a banking job and I think still a decent mum. I couldn’t have done it if wfh hadn’t become a thing though.

I get up before my son and do a bit of work to prep for the day, get him up have breakfast together and get him off to before school clubs and then I’m straight back home to start work. I pick him up from after school club and we spend some quality time together having dinner, doing homework, bedtime etc and then I get back to work as soon as he’s asleep for a few hours. I do have a babysitter who picks him up from after school club one day a week and puts him to bed when I travel in to the office. And I get to work a bit at weekends while he’s doing swimming or football etc.

It’s worked pretty well for me. I’m able to give us both a reasonably comfortable life while doing a job I love. I know there’s loads on mumsnet who will think my poor child is in childcare all day long but sadly not all of us were blessed with husbands to go out to work on our behalf and actually my son loves all the before and after school clubs and activities that he does and I’m a better mum for getting out to work (as well as teaching him the importance of a good work ethic).

If it’s possible to do alone should be no problem at all if you have a capable partner too.

It doesn’t sound like you and your DH are on the same page regarding expectations. At the least it would be a good idea to address that before taking something new on. Particularly whether your life plans and financial goals need to be adjusted.

Also you don’t have to be an “absent parent” to have a successful career. I have worked long hours and had a very successful career, and have two teenagers that I have the most amazing close and loving relationship with.

Ironic how you miscalculated for an investment banking role!

It's been a really interesting thread and I'm hope you've found some of the responses helpful. A lot of parents I know (but, let's be realistic, mainly mums) struggle with that identity shift especially if you're not the kind of parent you thought you would be. It absolutely is possible to have a career - or for both parents to have a career - while being a parent but you do have to accept that there will be sacrifices along the way. This week I was offered an amazing opportunity that I would have said yes to in a heartbeat before having children. But it would mean being away Friday - Saturday and my DH has a very important work deadline so I had to say no. It sucks but I'm the longer term, I'm be glad that I picked DS up from school, went to the park, took him to his swimming lesson etc.

I don't think I have as some posters have said that would be round about the right number of hours.

I think you'd have to be prepared to maintain a fairly hefty coke habit as well if you want to work those hours 😕

I think his expectations remain the same but he has buried his head in the sand a bit about how we're going to achieve them. His earning potential could be good (his bonus is supposed to elbe very good but won't know until next year what that looks like). And my career aspirations haven't changed in that I have always been trying to get into this role.. however, the thing which has changed is we now have a baby and im not sure how achievable it is anymore for me to go down that career path.

I will explore other career paths... Perhaps something involving quantitative research or programming instead which I hope might allow more flexible and remote working

I haven’t read the full thread but I get this is real and the hours are not a typo.

When we had DD I was a city lawyer and DH was an investment banker. Horrific hours especially DH.

Long story short one of our jobs had to give. Tried part time, doesn’t work in these careers. And part time was only possible because I was fairly senior and established- it would not be possible as a new junior banker. That’s when hours are worst and flexibility the least. Weekend and all night working is very real.

Could you do it? Yes. But your DH has to be willing to be the primary parent, put any c suite aims on hold and stick with family friendly hours, while you focus on your career (and don’t see DC much in the week). And both he and you have to be ok with that set up. Doesn’t sound like you would be.

you don’t have to be an “absent parent” to have a successful career IME you do in investment banking (assuming we mean M&A).

My husband works those hours sometimes. It only works because I’m here to pick up the slack.

And no they don’t work that every week. You have to sell projects so some weeks are fallow. But you have to plan for them all to be like that as you can’t expect anyone (paid or otherwise) to roll with it at short notice again and again.

I would work out what you value, properly, and then see if you can make it work. Do you value spending time with your child or are you happy for them to be secure with another person (who loves them) who is a primary care giver? Do you require more sleep than some? Do you have to commute and travel on top of those hours? Do you understand that someone else will have to give up autonomy so you can follow this dream? Do they get a veto? Does your kid get a veto when they are older?

It's not easy being a woman/mum.

The reason why I didn't say parent and said mum instead is that the anxiety or emotions I feel for my DC is so different to how DH feels. I am now biologically programmed to be someone who's brain is consumed by her baby.

I feel incredibly naive. I really thought I could "have it all". I regret things like messing around at university over 10 years ago now.. had I taken the right career track way back then, I would be in a very different situation now. It is what it is, but there really is 100% the right time and place for everything. I really do not want my DC to suffer because of me.

I've worked with women who combined having children with this sort of role. One had a SAHD, the others had nannies (with one having multiple nannies as it was more hours of childcare than one person could be expected to provide on a regular basis). They were all established in their careers whereas it sounds as though you would be starting out which makes it tougher I would have though.

I haven’t had time to read whole thread. I’ve always worked crazy hours. Lawyer. We had Nannies. Since Covid more working from home so I see kids a lot more. Being well paid has given the children a lot of opportunities I never had as a child from a much poorer household. I would say go for it. You can always change if it doesn’t work out.

Sometimes on MN you think you’ve read it all then you get a post like that. Assuming you are being genuine…..

Don’t be so ridiculous. Today having a child is absolutely a choice, if you live in some Decree 770 or Gilead fantasy and felt obligated to have a child you didn’t otherwise want I feel sorry for that child.

You go into that choice to have a child knowing it is at least an 18 year old commitment and there are risks associated with that choice.

Take responsibility and be accountable for your own free choices.

I regret things like messing around at university over 10 years ago now… had I taken the right career track way back then, I would be in a very different situation now.

Not really. Mid level banker is a little more civilised than junior banker but the hours are still not compatible with seeing much of your child.

Raising children is work and to say otherwise devalues the labour of generations of women.

Work done by women, especially caring work of any kind, typically attracts little financial reward and its economic value is consistently under appropriated. It's still work though.

Crazy. Given your OP, why are you even considering it? Many parents struggle with normal FT working week - this would be double. Honestly, why bother having a child you will never see?