First time mums who have jobs requiring them to work 80-120hrs a week - advice please

[wowihaveagardennow]

I've just been given an interview for my dream job which I have been trying to get for a few years now. I apply to these posts as and when they pop up and sort of do it on autopilot.

However, for the first time in my life I am unsure about it. I am a first time mum, at the end of extending my maternity leave. It was extended because a) I have separation anxiety b) could afford to take a little longer c) I genuinely considered taking off another year but then backtracked because I was worried it would be too tricky for me to get back into work d) I need more time to find childcare that I'm happy with. Anyway, after a lot of indecision, I've decided I would like to try with my career and not become a SAHM.

I want to cry when I think about leaving DC to someone else for almost the entire day. But women need to still work and babies get looked aftered is what I'm telling myself.

And so that's the background. I know it's only an interview and I may not get the job but the job description says to be willing to work weekends and evenings. Is this possible? For anyone that's done this, did it really negatively impact your relationship/bonding with your child? And most importantly, how did you make it work? What sort of childcare did you use?

I would love any advice here. I grew up with one parent always at home and I don't really know anybody who is climbing the corporate ladder so to speak and I have no idea how mums do this (or maybe it's rare and mums just don't go there because it's not the right time!)

TIA x

I know some investment bankers. The only way to make it work is to have the other parent SAH. You can throw money at nannies obviously (and we have one!) but really, you need a parent who can go along to assemblies, pick a child up early if they're sick, do homework with them etc.

Investment banking definitely involves 80 hour weeks and sometimes more than that, plus being able to drop everything and work evenings/weekends/during annual leave.

It will be impossible to do this kind of role with these hours and be even a half decent parent to your child. It's as simple as that. It's unfortunate, but that's what it is.

Yeah 80-120 hours a week isn’t realistic - I mean, even working 7 days a week that’s 11-17 hours a day.

I work in that world and sometimes there are long hours yes - some firms are worse than others. But it’s quite cyclical so you’ll have really crazily busy weeks and then quiet ones.

Rather than think about it in terms of quantifiable hours (which you can’t predict), think about it in terms of what the expectations will be / what you will have to plan for.

So - I work 50 hours a week as standard. 10 hours a day, normal.

Then I am available… always. This is where having a child (and managing childcare) becomes challenging / you need good childcare and a supportive partner.

So for example I might have to join a call at 8am or 9pm or whatever. Nothing ever doesn’t happen because I can’t accommodate it, if clients ask for it.

Holidays are also not free from requests. Again most of the time it’s fine, but yes if something is completing that week or a big pitch is happening… I still do it.

Then there’s the networking elements… now you probably won’t need to do this quite yet if just joining, but I assume at least one evening a week I’m at a client event of some sort.

Do they allow WFH? Quite a few of the banks don’t now - that would be a struggle for me now, as those are days I see my child more / get stuff done at home / personal / gym etc.

Ultimately these roles are a ‘lifestyle’ and you basically have to prioritise it over a lot.

I’d say it’s probably more difficult in a junior role as you have less control over your hours etc.

If you hate it, you can quit. There’s worse experience to have on your CV.

Most people can’t afford to raise a family on one salary nowadays.

I have a friend who works these kind of hours. She has one child, used a nanny, then her partner stayed at home (ran his own business in school hours) and used private schools with good wrap around care.

She made it work because her dh was basically there the whole time, and she through herself into parenting when she was at home.

A great deal of men do this and it’s often seen as providing well for their family and being ambitious. No one is telling them it was pointless for them to have kids.
OP I had a job like this (finance law rather than finance) and went PT post kids, (which I could only do to be fair because I had been working a decade in the field). I have female colleagues who make FT hours work with nannies & their DH having less intense jobs. I would say there is a difference between a baby & a five year old - its probably easier when you have a baby, on the rare occasions I have to work wkends etc I find it very hard to see the disappointment on my daughters face now she is older.

120 hours a week is 18hrs a day, 7 days a week! That's insane!! They'd have to pay me very bloody well to do that without a baby, let alone as a mother of a small child. No thanks (and I say that as a mum of two who works).

I wouldn't do it for any money. Life is way too short. I can't think of anything more depressing.

Mostly the sort of people with kids who manage successfully to work in these roles are either shit dads who've offloaded everything onto the other parent or senior enough that they have some control over their schedules (and earn enough for there to be a SAHP and usually a nanny to ease the resentment of the SAHP for having precisely zero help from the other parent).

I remember one senior person whose nanny used to bring his child by the office after school a couple of times a week and they'd have coffee together (well, hot chocolate and cake for the child). During busy periods, that was the only time he saw his child awake during the week. It was quite sweet, they used to do puzzles together.

Do you really not think any bankers who work these hours are half decent parents? What if your partner wants (or needs, if DC have specific needs/ medical issues) to be a SAHP and you want to support that for example? Working as you describe doesn't seem to me to immediately mean you’re not a good parent?

I think you can be a decent parent. But you cannot be the primary parent. Men do it all the time. Depends what kind of parent you want to be.

ExH worked those sorts of hours.

I was SAHP until they went to school.

He never saw them in the week and weekends could be short on family time.

You can only pull investment banking off of you have bombproof nearly 24 hour childcare ie SAHP.

He had on-call overnights, weekends etc. we only cancelled a holiday once but he came back early multiple times and took calls in nearly all of them.

If you were on £100,000 PA you’d be making £17 an hour

Eh?

Unsustainable in the long term… it sounds awful. Can you get a regular FT job, and go from there?

I regularly work 60-80 hours. Very occasionally 100+. I also need to be very flexible for evenings (and nights) and weekends. Partner as a SAHP is the only way that it works.

I know some people whose partner went back to work (with a regular 40 hour a week job) once the kids were in primary school, but then they got a nanny.

It is such a jump from separation anxiety to these kind of hours that I can’t see it working.

I think you’re right. I see some men in our firm described as great fathers when the reality is if both parents did what the father did then it would be child negligence. However they are good providers I guess and lots make the most of the time they do have with their kids. And later on a lot of kids are boarding as well - so neither of their parents are seeing them in the week. Does sending your kid to boarding school also rule you out from being a half decent parent? Maybe so.

No, I don't think you can be a good parent if you work 80-100 hours a week. There just isn't time.

Does sending your kid to boarding school also rule you out from being a half decent parent? Maybe so.

Yes, if the child in question is an infant or small child. Less so, if the child is a teenager.

Because some people don't wish to see the economy and society come to a standstill (imagine if no female nurses or teachers worked....), some people need or want the money and some people (myself included) believe it is extremely important for children to see mummy achieving in her career. I can't believe this is even still up for debate.

Years ago I was an assistant to a corporate law partner who had 3 young children. I remember pulling a week of very late nights around Christmas time. The deal completed and I remember him saying he'd bought each of the children laptops for Christmas.

I remember thinking even pre children that they'd probably rather see their father than have a new laptop.

Absolutely not against working these kind of jobs but don't pretend you can be there for your child as well (mum or dad). Child will barely know you and 5 years is a huge chunk of childhood.

Tbh that's my view too, for mothers and fathers.

I think investment banking is one of those careers you need to start pre DC and wait to have DC until you're established enough to have fewer hours and control over your diary.

Sorry OP.

But there are lots of other careers that will give you all a good quality of life, and set your DC up for the future (financial and otherwise).

Depending on your qualifications/skills, I assume you've considered accountancy/actuarial jobs? Amongst the people we know, these are the careers which are generally considered to provide the best balance between earning well and not sacrificing quality of life. More varied locations too (investment banks usually, but not always, being London-based in UK or big-city based elsewhere, with expensive housing/commuting costs) and more opportunity to wfh at least part of the week for better work/life balance and to save commuting costs.

I don't think working 80-120 hours a week when you have a young child is reasonable, no. Your career is important but you have to spend a little time with your child.

I'm an actuary and it is a great profession for salary Vs work life balance, but I really wouldn't want to be taking on the qualification with a new baby or young DC.