Smart, kind, helpful 7 year old DESTROYING home

[cassielb]

Hi fellow mums. First time poster long time viewer needing desperate help or advice.

My 7 year old daughter has been displaying quite destructive habits the last 1-2 years.

Quick summary on her though she is extremely smart, well behaved in school, very helpful, kind, polite everything is great other than her constantly destroying her room.

She has picked up an attitude the last few months as expected but she quickly apologises when she knows she is wrong. Now with the destroying her room. She has drawn on walls, toys, furniture, carpet so we took her desk out and had a rule of only pens and crafts downstairs. Great! This continued as she would either sneak pens home from nana's/school/downstairs so we started doing bag checks and made her clean up what she had ruined. Great! Christmas goes by and she got some stocking crafts and completely destroyed her tonies she had just gotten by drawing colouring all over them. My fault for not checking what family members had given her when passing by at Xmas. So we got more strict with checking her room, basically compromised and said you prove you can be responsible for your room we will fix up (fix it meaning repaint what she had destroyed and change her room a little).

Our last straw was her drawing on her infant sisters toys while I was upstairs changing her. We cancelled her school holiday activities and she was not allowed to see her nana (who she loves) that week. My last straw and why I'm writing this post was I just went to tuck her in while she was asleep and noticed she has carved out chunks of her wall and carved numbers letters into the wall with a hair clip.

I woke her up asked why and it's the usual, I don't know, I don't remember, it was an accident, I'm sorry! I'm at my wits end, she is such a good child in every other aspect other than this. When I say she is so so so kind loving smart she is an angle but this we cannot seem to budge. We tried back checks, reward coins, reward charts, grounding, no activities, no tv, only books in her room, everything. I don't know what else to do, it's been 2 years of her ruining her room in our first home we have bought and it's only getting worse. Any advice is much appreciated

P.s : she went through a phase of taking things from nana's house, cousins house and had even taken things from shops. This went on for around a year but after letting her know if it happened again we would have to tell the police this has stopped. For good hopefully!

Pss: he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted! This aside as I said she is an amazing child which is why I get so frustrated punishing her.

I need help

Paint one wall with chalkboard paint and give her chalks

Paper the whole room with lining paper and let her doodle

I'd be inclined to lean into this, rather than battle it

Definitely not ok to draw on her sister's toys.

But colouring on her toniebox isn't "ruining" it? It's personalising it.

Ditto drawing on her walls - unless it's rented, I don't see this is much of a problem. It's not that different to putting lots of posters up. You can repaint it every couple of years as she fills it up, and she can start again.

This sounds like a classic case of pick your battles

I agree with leaning into it - paper some walls, chalkboard paint others, let her crack on. Get her one of those duvet sets and some t shirts you decorate, she can get a whole thing going. Her own toys also fine.

Carpet and sisters toys and making holes in things is not on and should be punished… however cancelling a weeks worth of holiday activities and a visit to granny for drawing on her toddler sisters toys is very OTT - presumably the toddler wasn’t that bothered? Just no chocolate for a couple days (or whatever treat she likes) would be enough. Similarly it’s very odd to wake a child up - what for? - just discuss it in the morning.

Your husband might well be right about ADHD so to get that assessed.

BTW she shouldn’t have ‘picked up an attitude’ at 7. What’s that about do you think?

She is 7. She has very very low impulse control. By taking away the materials to draw you are making the impulse stronger.

Please please stop punishing your daughter for this. She's not wilfully destroying stuff, frustrating as it might be for you. This is normal child behaviour.

You woke up your sleeping 7 year old at 11pm to tell her off?!!! Why would you not wait till morning?? Poor kid, that's horrible.
Imagine if your partner woke you in the middle of the night to complain about something you had done while you're half awake and confused and trying to figure out what the hell you've done wrong this time.
I get that you're pissed off at finding more damage but ffs wait till morning next time.

I found this more disturbing than a 7 year old who has free access to arts and crafts materials too.

Why do parents allow their D.C. free access to activities meant for supervised play and then blame the D.C. for being children? It beats me tbh 🤷‍♀️

You mention an infant sister, how old is she? Does your pregnancy and her birth align with this change in behaviour? Maybe she is finding it difficult to adjust and this is how she's expressing it.

The stealing is troubling, and so is the gouging of the wall, and the defacement of the sister's toys. Since the drawing on the walls accompanies the other items, I'd be concerned about that too.

Can you afford play therapy or art therapy? I think something is amiss and needs to be addressed.

I don't think it's a case of too much imagination and too little supervision of art and craft materials. What she is doing is unusual and destructive, and you've clearly made her aware that it's unacceptable.

Nearly all kids draw on walls etc. it's almost universal.

If it is destructive it's a destructive behaviour they nearly all do.

I agree with the previous posters - put up wallpaper lining paper, maybe paint a wall chalkboard. Small children (and 7 is small) do not have much impulse control.

Waking her up to tell her off isn't really ok.

Your response to these things seem like huge over reactions and the way you described disciplining her generally sounded very odd to me. Bag checks and waking her to punish her? Cancelling her holiday activities including seeing family? It’s way way way over the top and the poor thing seems like she’s just looking for ways to find some sort of control over her life and express herself.

it sounds like she’s crying out for attention. You mention you have a baby which is quite a big age gap - could she be feeling left out or jealous and these are her ways of trying to articulate that?

the carving of the wall with a clip made me think of a prisoner scraping their time served onto their cell wall 😂

WTAF at the the responses, is that gentle parenting?

You do realise you can’t go around defacing rented properties don’t you? 🙄

Gouging walls - also not normal. Stealing- not normal. I would say she’s taking out frustration of some kind, a way of coping, and it’s not ok. It will become a huge problem as she gets older if it isn’t addressed. There are plenty of books, studies and articles about it, it is NOT normal.

You’ve made it clear it’s wrong, she knows there are consequences, she carries on regardless. Now she’s started in her siblings toys!

I’d do some reading and make an appointment with a G.P and go from there.

Ok, agree with some of the PPs comments about providing a way of including places to draw and mark make, but also, I can remember doing something similar as a child.

I knew I wasn't allowed to do it, I was a really good kid. But I was really, really unhappy at school and looking back I think I did it for attention. My parents never knew to extent of what I had to deal with at school, and I was very young and so I thought it was normal.

I'd just try and have some time together 1:1 and either do something creative and chat or whatever. You might find something else is at play here.

If not, try rewards.
You've kept your room beautifully clean so at the end of the week we're going to a pottery painting cafe... or similar.

Or we've made you a drawing corner downstairs...

I disagree with this being normal behaviour. For a toddler, yes, but not a 7yo - it's not just the doodling, it's also the destruction. I agree that there is probably something troubling her and she is using this as an outlet for her worry/frustration.

In the short-term, I think it is a good suggestion to decorate her room with chalkboard paint/drawing paper, but I'd also be making her clean up (as far as possible) any damage she does elsewhere (for example, wiping down walls or helping to repaint) and write an apology note each and every time she does it..I'd also talk to her about how criminal damage is illegal, so it's not good to damage things on purpose. I wouldn't be cancelling activities though as actually I'd want her attention and energies diverted to other things. I'd also be keeping a close eye to try to find out what's troubling her and asking the school to keep an eye out for bullying.

I don't think this is normal behaviour for a 7yo either - not when she knows not to do it and has been told off multiple times.

This sounds incredibly frustrating!! I wonder, given that she's so well behaved in other ways, if this is possibly her subconsciously trying to exert some control in her life? This is not a criticism of you in the slightest, but do you think you run a tight ship at home - does she have much of an opportunity to make choices about small things - the cereal you buy, the books she has at home to read, what chores she's in charge of?
The fact that she's largely containing this defiant behaviour to her own space makes me think it's not malicious at all, but that it's more of an attempt to take control of her own space and make some of her own decisions.

My children are younger but I know if I'm in a hurry and try to just power through the morning routine and dress them without consultation or heaven forbid, choose their shoes for them, I'll often find them doing something small but that they know they're not supposed to do. If I give them a choice, or give them tasks to be in charge of, life is a bit easier!

I don't agree with those who think you have been too harsh in terms of telling off - 7 is old enough to know these things aren't acceptable, and she affecting others. People are saying its common for children to do, but isn't that toddlers (unless maybe a one off moment of not thinking, but not regularly despite being told off)?

However, if she is generally 'good' in other ways, you do need to consider the causes of this and the stealing. Needing attention, neuorodiversity etc? And yes, having some things she can get the urge out on - places to draw (I'm not sure about a wall though because will that muddy the waters?), maybe other 'fidget toys' to keep her hands busy. So it's not just about telling her off but also helping her to manage it.

I'm not sure how best to get professional help on that though (which you need to consider ADHD etc) - getting help if school don't see a problem is something we've recently struggled with, so hopefully more knowledgeable posters can advise.

100% this. Cover the walls around her desk and bed with lining paper. Blackboard paint one wall. And explain this is the only room she can draw on.

And chat to her about her colouring other people's things or rooms. How upsetting it is for them. Ask what she might do to stop herself acting on this impulse.

If it's her own stuff, even her own dolls etc, I wouldn't mind, But she has to learn she has no right to alter anyone else's stuff.

It's very common. I used to help a family nearby when the mum had twins. Her hallway was covered in scribbles. She didn't seem to mind. But eventually she painted the hallway wall with blackboard paint too. All four children now well adjusted and off at uni.

She is trying to communicate something through her behaviour. I used to steal as a child, and I carved swear words in my newly painted wall and cut my brand new blanket. I became a very troubled teenager, and I'm probably undiagnosed ASD. But the main thing was that I felt completely unseen by my parents. It took me till my forties to figure out what was going on. She's telling you something in the only way she can.

If she's so driven to draw on things to the point that she's carving things into the walls when all pens are taken away I think that speaks to there being an underlying compulsion vs just being naughty.

It might be time for a GP visit.

Hey so I did not wake her up at 11pm lol I woke her up the next morning for ballet as usual and spoke about it then. Honestly I'm shocked at the responses of people thinking drawing painting & carving on walls & furniture is ok behaviour, I have not taken anything from her, those things are just used downstairs at her art table & not in her room.

I do like the idea of an art wall, she had a huge whiteboard then chalk wall but the pen/chalk still ended up on her furniture bedding windows etc.

I also want to say it's being glazed over where I have said she is an amazing child which is why I find it so hard dealing with this, some of these responses make it sound like I'm abusing her!

I think that drawing on things by impulse isn't normal for a 7 year old as they know it's not allowed. It would be normal for a 2 or 3yr old. I wonder if she's frustrated about something and trying to get attention.

I think I'd be having a conversation with her about why she's doing it. Also check in with her about how she's feeling generally and how's school etc.

Maybe if it's just she's very creative do something creative with her downstairs this week/weekend. Get her a notebook and pen to doodle in that she can take upstairs.

Yes this is what I was thinking too as she owns up straight away and is so remorseful, I don't see it as being naughty I genuinely think she doesn't know WHY she is doing it

I have got to say that my ADHD child never defaced, coloured or gouged walls. My son gets so fed up with bad behaviour from brattish children being attributed to being ADHD. ADHD is not a charter for feral behaviour. He knew perfectly well he would have been punished severely for ruining a room and it wouldn't have been not seeing grandma for a week.

Thank you! Yeah I agree I have regular check ins & always have a day out once a week with just me and her no baby or dad. Everything fine at school other than cheeky boys annoying her. This is why I'm thinking it's more impulse control than doing it on purpose

I never said I woke her up at 11pm lol. I woke her up the next morning for ballet & spoke about it then which resulted in her not going to ballet