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Original poster

Smart, kind, helpful 7 year old DESTROYING home

277 replies

cassielb · 10/04/2024 23:31

Hi fellow mums. First time poster long time viewer needing desperate help or advice.

My 7 year old daughter has been displaying quite destructive habits the last 1-2 years.

Quick summary on her though she is extremely smart, well behaved in school, very helpful, kind, polite everything is great other than her constantly destroying her room.

She has picked up an attitude the last few months as expected but she quickly apologises when she knows she is wrong. Now with the destroying her room. She has drawn on walls, toys, furniture, carpet so we took her desk out and had a rule of only pens and crafts downstairs. Great! This continued as she would either sneak pens home from nana's/school/downstairs so we started doing bag checks and made her clean up what she had ruined. Great! Christmas goes by and she got some stocking crafts and completely destroyed her tonies she had just gotten by drawing colouring all over them. My fault for not checking what family members had given her when passing by at Xmas. So we got more strict with checking her room, basically compromised and said you prove you can be responsible for your room we will fix up (fix it meaning repaint what she had destroyed and change her room a little).

Our last straw was her drawing on her infant sisters toys while I was upstairs changing her. We cancelled her school holiday activities and she was not allowed to see her nana (who she loves) that week. My last straw and why I'm writing this post was I just went to tuck her in while she was asleep and noticed she has carved out chunks of her wall and carved numbers letters into the wall with a hair clip.

I woke her up asked why and it's the usual, I don't know, I don't remember, it was an accident, I'm sorry! I'm at my wits end, she is such a good child in every other aspect other than this. When I say she is so so so kind loving smart she is an angle but this we cannot seem to budge. We tried back checks, reward coins, reward charts, grounding, no activities, no tv, only books in her room, everything. I don't know what else to do, it's been 2 years of her ruining her room in our first home we have bought and it's only getting worse. Any advice is much appreciated

P.s : she went through a phase of taking things from nana's house, cousins house and had even taken things from shops. This went on for around a year but after letting her know if it happened again we would have to tell the police this has stopped. For good hopefully!

Pss: he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted! This aside as I said she is an amazing child which is why I get so frustrated punishing her.

I need help ShockWine

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Cadela · 11/04/2024 08:45

She could have ADHD - my 7 year old sounds the exact same down to drawing on everything, she gouged out my eyeshadow and rubbed it into the carpet last week while I was on a work call. I was like????? Ok?

It’s poor impulse control, they do it without thinking. She’s not trying to wind you up (even though it will) and it’s one of the classic signs of ADHD. I’d speak to your school SEN lead and get the ball rolling with an assessment.

Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:46

theduchessofspork · 11/04/2024 00:10

I agree with leaning into it - paper some walls, chalkboard paint others, let her crack on. Get her one of those duvet sets and some t shirts you decorate, she can get a whole thing going. Her own toys also fine.

Carpet and sisters toys and making holes in things is not on and should be punished… however cancelling a weeks worth of holiday activities and a visit to granny for drawing on her toddler sisters toys is very OTT - presumably the toddler wasn’t that bothered? Just no chocolate for a couple days (or whatever treat she likes) would be enough. Similarly it’s very odd to wake a child up - what for? - just discuss it in the morning.

Your husband might well be right about ADHD so to get that assessed.

BTW she shouldn’t have ‘picked up an attitude’ at 7. What’s that about do you think?

This has been happening for 2 years as mentioned we tried removing the issues, chalk walls, creative time, no tv for the rest of the night, no treats for the weekend we have tried everything. As soon as I told my mum what she had done again for the (what's feels like) 1000th time she said to keep her home. She had an amazing school break as we always do but finding her sisters new toys ruined was the final straw and we were inside for the rest of the weekend

With the attitude nothing serious. Just a lot of head Bobbing when talking ha ha. Questioning a lot of things when she is being told what to do, we put that down to her moving into an older class in gymnastics with girls who are 9-12 years old. She's advanced so moved up and picked up their skill of attitude ha ha but she quickly apologised and it's not a big concern in our house

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cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:47

Mumoftwo1312 · 11/04/2024 00:00

Definitely not ok to draw on her sister's toys.

But colouring on her toniebox isn't "ruining" it? It's personalising it.

Ditto drawing on her walls - unless it's rented, I don't see this is much of a problem. It's not that different to putting lots of posters up. You can repaint it every couple of years as she fills it up, and she can start again.

This sounds like a classic case of pick your battles

I'm sorry but I have to disagree. Buying something expensive like a tonie box and sneaking pens stamps and copies upstairs to draw all over them and then hide it is not okay

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Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:47

Skillest · 10/04/2024 23:55

Paint one wall with chalkboard paint and give her chalks

Paper the whole room with lining paper and let her doodle

I'd be inclined to lean into this, rather than battle it

Thanks, great idea did not think of the wallpaper

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cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:48

Babamamananarama · 11/04/2024 01:33

She is 7. She has very very low impulse control. By taking away the materials to draw you are making the impulse stronger.

Please please stop punishing your daughter for this. She's not wilfully destroying stuff, frustrating as it might be for you. This is normal child behaviour.

I've never taken anything away, I've moved items from her room which she is now only allowed to use in her playroom opposite our kitchen where I can see her or in the living room.

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Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:50

3ormorecharacters · 11/04/2024 01:56

You mention an infant sister, how old is she? Does your pregnancy and her birth align with this change in behaviour? Maybe she is finding it difficult to adjust and this is how she's expressing it.

My mum also said this. This behaviour has been happening ever since we bought our house 2+ years ago and her sister was only born last year.

It did take time to adjust but we have an amazing routine of mum and daughter days with just her and I once a week. Luckily my partners job allows me to leave the house without the baby often. She is besotted with her little sister and she is very open about her feelings so I assume she would have mentioned it (I have asked). Thanks for this mention x

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Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:51

mathanxiety · 11/04/2024 03:28

The stealing is troubling, and so is the gouging of the wall, and the defacement of the sister's toys. Since the drawing on the walls accompanies the other items, I'd be concerned about that too.

Can you afford play therapy or art therapy? I think something is amiss and needs to be addressed.

I don't think it's a case of too much imagination and too little supervision of art and craft materials. What she is doing is unusual and destructive, and you've clearly made her aware that it's unacceptable.

Thanks for the NICE and constructive response. Yes she into lots of extra curricular activists she's a busy child which she loves. I looked into this and will give it another look

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CanaryCanary · 11/04/2024 08:51

it does sound like adhd, impulse control is a massive issue.

Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that her brain might work a bit differently to yours and work together to decide what’s ok and what isn’t? So if she has this overwhelming urge to draw she needs to find ok ways to do that.

You are right to punish behaviour like drawing on somebody else’s stuff though!

Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:52

Octavia64 · 11/04/2024 03:47

Nearly all kids draw on walls etc. it's almost universal.

If it is destructive it's a destructive behaviour they nearly all do.

I agree with the previous posters - put up wallpaper lining paper, maybe paint a wall chalkboard. Small children (and 7 is small) do not have much impulse control.

Waking her up to tell her off isn't really ok.

I did not wake her up in the night to tell her off. I agree a 3/4/4 year old it may be normal behaviour but for an almost 8 year old it is not especially when they have been told no multiple times

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mitogoshi · 11/04/2024 08:54

You need to give her outlets for her creativity but drawing on walls is never acceptable, i actually disagree with allowing it in bedrooms because they can then struggle to keep to just that side of the room or whatever. Blanket no writing on walls is easier. Do you restrict paper, colouring books etc downstairs? I'm wondering if that's why she's drawing on other objects. I also wonder if the new baby is the cause, do they have the same dad? Lots of change is hard for kids having been an only for 7 years, especially if combined with a stepdad situation (and no one is to blame is just insight into what she's going through

YourNimblePeachTraybake · 11/04/2024 08:56

cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:38

Yes this is what I was thinking too as she owns up straight away and is so remorseful, I don't see it as being naughty I genuinely think she doesn't know WHY she is doing it

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Could it be a stim? I'm autistic and draw/doodle as a stim. It calms me down.

Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:56

Muthaofcats · 11/04/2024 03:58

Your response to these things seem like huge over reactions and the way you described disciplining her generally sounded very odd to me. Bag checks and waking her to punish her? Cancelling her holiday activities including seeing family? It’s way way way over the top and the poor thing seems like she’s just looking for ways to find some sort of control over her life and express herself.

it sounds like she’s crying out for attention. You mention you have a baby which is quite a big age gap - could she be feeling left out or jealous and these are her ways of trying to articulate that?

the carving of the wall with a clip made me think of a prisoner scraping their time served onto their cell wall 😂

This has been happening for two years so I disagree. I stared with telling off, then removing pens from her room, then no chocolate for the weekend. Nothing worked so he's doing bag checks as she was bringing pens home from school/family members houses I did start doing this is also something they do at school which is why her teacher suggested it.

I cancelled two days worth of activities (the weekend) as this was after we decided to re-do her room only to find she has drawn and stamped all over her infant sisters new Christmas toys and hidden them. What would your suggestion be cause taking her out to go to a soft play the next day is rewarding bad behaviour in my eyes

She is in swimming lessons, ballet, tennis, gymnastics and is part of a cycle club. All by choice. She has more than enough activities weekly, and I always am with my children, we have a girls day without the baby once a week for me to focus on her. She's very happy as I mentioned and is an amazing child.

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sunflowerlover282 · 11/04/2024 08:57

I think 7 is an age to know that drawing on walls etc is not acceptable so there may be something underlying here that needs investigating.

Now the weather is getting nicer, what about chalks on the pavement either in the garden or driveway? This was always fun for me as a child as could be washed away and done again and again.

Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:58

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 11/04/2024 04:02

WTAF at the the responses, is that gentle parenting?

You do realise you can’t go around defacing rented properties don’t you? 🙄

Gouging walls - also not normal. Stealing- not normal. I would say she’s taking out frustration of some kind, a way of coping, and it’s not ok. It will become a huge problem as she gets older if it isn’t addressed. There are plenty of books, studies and articles about it, it is NOT normal.

You’ve made it clear it’s wrong, she knows there are consequences, she carries on regardless. Now she’s started in her siblings toys!

I’d do some reading and make an appointment with a G.P and go from there.

Thank you so much! I thought I was crazy reading the response of people saying it's ok and normal. Yea for a 3/4/5 year old not an almost 8 year old.

Nothing I have done is in gentle parenting anything I have done I called my health visitor about before. I tried th telling off the no v all the gentle steps first. It carried on so now her punishment if more severe which even then I have not taken anything from her she just can't have it in her bedroom. It's crazy people are basically saying it's normal ha ha

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cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:59

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 11/04/2024 04:02

WTAF at the the responses, is that gentle parenting?

You do realise you can’t go around defacing rented properties don’t you? 🙄

Gouging walls - also not normal. Stealing- not normal. I would say she’s taking out frustration of some kind, a way of coping, and it’s not ok. It will become a huge problem as she gets older if it isn’t addressed. There are plenty of books, studies and articles about it, it is NOT normal.

You’ve made it clear it’s wrong, she knows there are consequences, she carries on regardless. Now she’s started in her siblings toys!

I’d do some reading and make an appointment with a G.P and go from there.

Yes this is our next steps for the GP. She has a school counselled who is amazing so am hoping to speak with her for advice first

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Kittensat36 · 11/04/2024 08:59

My DSis used that whiteboard film on the walls for her youngest two DDs. When they had done a drawing, she took a photo on her phone, so she had it (and to show it was important), then it got wiped for the next creation. Easy to change when you need to.

downsizedilemma · 11/04/2024 09:00

My DC often drew/wrote on things at that age - back seat of the car, furniture, toys etc. I didn't think too much of it to be honest.

I am not sure about the punishments - I wonder whether this is turning this into an even bigger thing/making the feelings she has even stronger. Have you ever come across the book How To Talk So That Kids Will Listen? That has some great strategies for dealing with problems e.g. sitting down with her and saying 'it's a real problem that you are drawing on the walls and damaging your sister's toys, let's think of a solution so that this doesn't happen in future'. Then you write down all the ideas, even the silly ones, and choose a few together. It (and the other strategies in the book) really work IME.

Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:01

PenelopeClearwaterHalfblood · 11/04/2024 04:03

Ok, agree with some of the PPs comments about providing a way of including places to draw and mark make, but also, I can remember doing something similar as a child.

I knew I wasn't allowed to do it, I was a really good kid. But I was really, really unhappy at school and looking back I think I did it for attention. My parents never knew to extent of what I had to deal with at school, and I was very young and so I thought it was normal.

I'd just try and have some time together 1:1 and either do something creative and chat or whatever. You might find something else is at play here.

If not, try rewards.
You've kept your room beautifully clean so at the end of the week we're going to a pottery painting cafe... or similar.

Or we've made you a drawing corner downstairs...

Thank you. Yes this is where we struggle as her schoo counsellor has no issues with her. She's very close with my mum and tells her everything no mention to her. We always have alone time just me and her thankfully my partners job allows me to have time away from the baby, we also have a mum and daughter day once a week where we do our nails or go for sushi or to the craft centre literally anything.

I am planning to speak with her counsellor for advice but next step will be the gp if it continues

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cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:03

CrispieCake · 11/04/2024 06:26

I disagree with this being normal behaviour. For a toddler, yes, but not a 7yo - it's not just the doodling, it's also the destruction. I agree that there is probably something troubling her and she is using this as an outlet for her worry/frustration.

In the short-term, I think it is a good suggestion to decorate her room with chalkboard paint/drawing paper, but I'd also be making her clean up (as far as possible) any damage she does elsewhere (for example, wiping down walls or helping to repaint) and write an apology note each and every time she does it..I'd also talk to her about how criminal damage is illegal, so it's not good to damage things on purpose. I wouldn't be cancelling activities though as actually I'd want her attention and energies diverted to other things. I'd also be keeping a close eye to try to find out what's troubling her and asking the school to keep an eye out for bullying.

Thanks for the response! I agree with this completely.

Regarding the cancelled activity. I found her infant sisters Christmas toys mostly all ruined from stamps so taking her to soft play the next day felt like rewarding bad behaviour. All her extra curricular activities remained but anything else that weekend was stopped

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Lovemusic82 · 11/04/2024 09:04

My dd has always been like this, she is diagnosed with ASD. She has the smallest room in the house but it’s a mess. I gave up buying her nice things years ago, she loves drawing in everything and destroying everything. I was upset a few years back when she destroyed some build a bear my little ponies that cost me a small fortune, she drew on them with pens and chopped their hair off. I have to paint her walls often as she draws on them, at the moment her walls have been pen free for 6 months (longest time in ages), she has some photo frames that she can display her art work in. I put Lino on her floor as she kept ruining the carpet, the Lino is now covered in pen and paint but it’s her room and she has to sleep in there.

Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:05

SnackyOnassis · 11/04/2024 06:35

This sounds incredibly frustrating!! I wonder, given that she's so well behaved in other ways, if this is possibly her subconsciously trying to exert some control in her life? This is not a criticism of you in the slightest, but do you think you run a tight ship at home - does she have much of an opportunity to make choices about small things - the cereal you buy, the books she has at home to read, what chores she's in charge of?
The fact that she's largely containing this defiant behaviour to her own space makes me think it's not malicious at all, but that it's more of an attempt to take control of her own space and make some of her own decisions.

My children are younger but I know if I'm in a hurry and try to just power through the morning routine and dress them without consultation or heaven forbid, choose their shoes for them, I'll often find them doing something small but that they know they're not supposed to do. If I give them a choice, or give them tasks to be in charge of, life is a bit easier!

Yea I agree with this, I can tell she is sooo remorseful with it and I know she isn't doing it to be naughty I think it's impulse but we don't know the why!

Yes because she is so great in every aspect other than vandalising my home ( ha ha) she has a lot of her own decision making as she is also really smart. Dinner choices, clothes she wears, she chose how she wanted her room, food shops she comes along. This is why we are struggling cause we don't know the why. Which is why my partner is so hell bent on it being adhd

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cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:07

Simplelobsterhat · 11/04/2024 06:46

I don't agree with those who think you have been too harsh in terms of telling off - 7 is old enough to know these things aren't acceptable, and she affecting others. People are saying its common for children to do, but isn't that toddlers (unless maybe a one off moment of not thinking, but not regularly despite being told off)?

However, if she is generally 'good' in other ways, you do need to consider the causes of this and the stealing. Needing attention, neuorodiversity etc? And yes, having some things she can get the urge out on - places to draw (I'm not sure about a wall though because will that muddy the waters?), maybe other 'fidget toys' to keep her hands busy. So it's not just about telling her off but also helping her to manage it.

I'm not sure how best to get professional help on that though (which you need to consider ADHD etc) - getting help if school don't see a problem is something we've recently struggled with, so hopefully more knowledgeable posters can advise.

Thank you for the constructive and nice response!

I agree. We have set up a meeting with her school counsellor who is amazing just so I can seek some advice then the next steps will be the GP

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SoupDragon · 11/04/2024 09:08

he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted!

I think it's worth looking into an ADHD assessment. DS2 was like this - he'd do things and be unable to explain why he'd done them but was always very apologetic after the event (genuinely apologetic). He had very poor impulse control. His school reports were generally glowing as he was very bright - they just mentioned distraction/lack of focus. He got a diagnosis as an adult.

Taking the stuff away won't help in this scenario as it's not something they can control. They'll just find something else. Drawing on other people's stuff or damaging it is not on though and the behaviour needs to be guided away from this.

mitogoshi · 11/04/2024 09:09

But as others have said adhd is a possibility, my youngest was impulsive at this age, she scrubbed a fair few walls! Never could keep quiet etc but she learnt, took far longer than her sister. She is dyslexic and has adhd traits but is a very successful young adult now, can't say what because there's few women in the country doing what she does so outing.

Original poster
cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:10

GreyTonkinese · 11/04/2024 08:39

I have got to say that my ADHD child never defaced, coloured or gouged walls. My son gets so fed up with bad behaviour from brattish children being attributed to being ADHD. ADHD is not a charter for feral behaviour. He knew perfectly well he would have been punished severely for ruining a room and it wouldn't have been not seeing grandma for a week.

Hi yes I completely agree with this I have not pushed the adhd. My partner who has severe adhd has said he did all this as a child I also spoke to his mum and she said it sounds similar. I completely understand adhd looks different for everyone my brother also has adhd and is ana amazing quiet lad who just struggles with focus.

She was not banned from her grandmas house. She defaced her infant sisters new Christmas presents and was supposed to go out with her nana to soft play on the Saturday and stay over on the Saturday. I was not going to reward her bad behaviour and my mum agreed with this

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