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Smart, kind, helpful 7 year old DESTROYING home

277 replies

cassielb · 10/04/2024 23:31

Hi fellow mums. First time poster long time viewer needing desperate help or advice.

My 7 year old daughter has been displaying quite destructive habits the last 1-2 years.

Quick summary on her though she is extremely smart, well behaved in school, very helpful, kind, polite everything is great other than her constantly destroying her room.

She has picked up an attitude the last few months as expected but she quickly apologises when she knows she is wrong. Now with the destroying her room. She has drawn on walls, toys, furniture, carpet so we took her desk out and had a rule of only pens and crafts downstairs. Great! This continued as she would either sneak pens home from nana's/school/downstairs so we started doing bag checks and made her clean up what she had ruined. Great! Christmas goes by and she got some stocking crafts and completely destroyed her tonies she had just gotten by drawing colouring all over them. My fault for not checking what family members had given her when passing by at Xmas. So we got more strict with checking her room, basically compromised and said you prove you can be responsible for your room we will fix up (fix it meaning repaint what she had destroyed and change her room a little).

Our last straw was her drawing on her infant sisters toys while I was upstairs changing her. We cancelled her school holiday activities and she was not allowed to see her nana (who she loves) that week. My last straw and why I'm writing this post was I just went to tuck her in while she was asleep and noticed she has carved out chunks of her wall and carved numbers letters into the wall with a hair clip.

I woke her up asked why and it's the usual, I don't know, I don't remember, it was an accident, I'm sorry! I'm at my wits end, she is such a good child in every other aspect other than this. When I say she is so so so kind loving smart she is an angle but this we cannot seem to budge. We tried back checks, reward coins, reward charts, grounding, no activities, no tv, only books in her room, everything. I don't know what else to do, it's been 2 years of her ruining her room in our first home we have bought and it's only getting worse. Any advice is much appreciated

P.s : she went through a phase of taking things from nana's house, cousins house and had even taken things from shops. This went on for around a year but after letting her know if it happened again we would have to tell the police this has stopped. For good hopefully!

Pss: he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted! This aside as I said she is an amazing child which is why I get so frustrated punishing her.

I need help ShockWine

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Lovemusic82 · 14/04/2024 15:53

Magicmonday24 · 14/04/2024 12:14

Maybe stop having a go at her for every time she colours on something? Even if you don’t approve? Is it that big of a deal if she draws on a toy? You’re just punishing her for every little behaviour you don’t like by the sounds of it. and it’s clearly not working . Poor kid.

My daughter is allowed to draw paint whatever she wants to do in her wardrobe, she also has a wall of her bedroom which is a chalkboard wall which she scribbles on etc etc. she draws on her toys - yeah I don’t like it but is it end of the world? No. Do I make a fuss and punish her ? Absolutely not.

sounds like you want to stamp out every little thing she does you don’t like - you’re going to be forever battling if that’s the case. and she will just resent you for punishing her over every little thing she does too.

she is good at school etc you can’t expect her to be perfect!! I feel sorry for her tbh!

I agree. Punishments don’t work for my dd either, it probably just makes things worse. Her toys are hers to what she wants with, as is her bedroom but she needs to understand she can draw on siblings toys or on other walls in the house. My DD’s room is a mess, I have given up trying to stop her drawing on the walls, if she wants to draw in the walls that’s fine, she has to sleep in there not me.

cassielb · 14/04/2024 19:49

Magicmonday24 · 14/04/2024 12:38

So if you don’t see it as being naughty why do you continue to punish her when clearly it doesn’t work! The not letting her see her nana and taking away her holiday club activities that’s just terrible of you!! Sounds like she is perfectly behaved in every aspect of her life so her only outlet is this ! And even this you are punishing her and making her feel guilty for it ! Poor child! Drawing on her tonies - so what? It’s hers she can do what she likes with it! Have you tried not trying to stamp out every little thing you don’t like about her? Try thinking it’s her bedroom she can do what she likes with it ….! Stop being so precious. You have said multiple times this is the only thing she does “wrong” you should be grateful!

Have you read the thread properly before commenting?

OP posts:
cassielb · 14/04/2024 19:50

CosmosQueen · 14/04/2024 05:53

How often does your dd spend time alone with her father? It seems that everything is centred around you and her together.

Quite often. We're a very tight knit family, they goto a cycle club together 3x a week with just the two of them. Nice bonding for them

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cassielb · 14/04/2024 19:50

Citystim · 14/04/2024 01:22

As I was reading your post my thoughts went to similar memories of things I did and her probably being adhd & then I saw your last comment. I’m finding out more and more about it after 49 yrs! 2 yrs of all the dots finally lining up & thinking of all the ‘signs’ as a kid, teenager & adult finally fall into place & yet no1 would really know from my very over compensated behaviours. Girls present differently & they also are flipping brilliant at masking. I would say she’s stimming and it’s probably a way for her mind to idle and help her self sooth and slow down. She won’t remember doing it & genuinely is a calming & relaxing trance as opposed to her brain being like driving down a motorway at top speed on the wrong side the rest of the time. Maybe try replacing with Roblox, something hadsy like modelling clay or stress balls something that can be constantly moving and refreshed for new sensation. Lean in

Thank you x

OP posts:
cassielb · 14/04/2024 19:52

Magicmonday24 · 14/04/2024 12:38

So if you don’t see it as being naughty why do you continue to punish her when clearly it doesn’t work! The not letting her see her nana and taking away her holiday club activities that’s just terrible of you!! Sounds like she is perfectly behaved in every aspect of her life so her only outlet is this ! And even this you are punishing her and making her feel guilty for it ! Poor child! Drawing on her tonies - so what? It’s hers she can do what she likes with it! Have you tried not trying to stamp out every little thing you don’t like about her? Try thinking it’s her bedroom she can do what she likes with it ….! Stop being so precious. You have said multiple times this is the only thing she does “wrong” you should be grateful!

If you are teaching your child that drawing/ruining personal items, furniture & siblings belongings is totally fine then good for you but I will not teaching my child that

OP posts:
SabihaN · 14/04/2024 19:59

This sounds similar to my LO. We now have a confirmed ADHD and ASD diagnosis. Please don't ignore the signs. They may be fine in school but can be incredibly good at masking to meet everyone else's and your expectations (especially girls) but then need to release in a safe space. Speak to your GP, ask at school specifically mentioning suspicions and family diagnosis. Even apply for an EHCP with your local council for a needs assessment (it doesn't have to come from the school).

As a parent who trusted the professionals and didn't understand the signs until it was almost too late, please just get the ball rolling. The worst that can happen if you did and nothing comes of it is that you can discount it as a reason.

Octavia64 · 14/04/2024 20:00

If your child is repeatedly drawing on her/your belongings then you clearly are failing to teach her it is not ok.

Punishments are not the only way of teaching.

Magicmonday24 · 14/04/2024 20:29

I’m teaching her she has the power to do what she wants with HER space (bedroom) and HER belongings. :)

Magicmonday24 · 14/04/2024 20:36

Yes - you sound A LOT to deal with.

Magicmonday24 · 14/04/2024 20:56

SnackyOnassis · 11/04/2024 06:35

This sounds incredibly frustrating!! I wonder, given that she's so well behaved in other ways, if this is possibly her subconsciously trying to exert some control in her life? This is not a criticism of you in the slightest, but do you think you run a tight ship at home - does she have much of an opportunity to make choices about small things - the cereal you buy, the books she has at home to read, what chores she's in charge of?
The fact that she's largely containing this defiant behaviour to her own space makes me think it's not malicious at all, but that it's more of an attempt to take control of her own space and make some of her own decisions.

My children are younger but I know if I'm in a hurry and try to just power through the morning routine and dress them without consultation or heaven forbid, choose their shoes for them, I'll often find them doing something small but that they know they're not supposed to do. If I give them a choice, or give them tasks to be in charge of, life is a bit easier!

Judging by this mom’s post doesn’t sound like the poor kid has room to have control over anything in her life that’s probably the problem!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/04/2024 21:24

I think she's trying to personalise her things! I don't think she's meaning to be naughty. Not saying this makes it ok, but it is a phase they can go through.....

cassielb · 15/04/2024 06:14

Magicmonday24 · 14/04/2024 20:29

I’m teaching her she has the power to do what she wants with HER space (bedroom) and HER belongings. :)

She has a whole playroom to do this. Drawing and painting on bedroom furniture and her sisters toys is not ok. But you parent how you wish

OP posts:
Yummers8 · 15/04/2024 09:49

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 11/04/2024 04:02

WTAF at the the responses, is that gentle parenting?

You do realise you can’t go around defacing rented properties don’t you? 🙄

Gouging walls - also not normal. Stealing- not normal. I would say she’s taking out frustration of some kind, a way of coping, and it’s not ok. It will become a huge problem as she gets older if it isn’t addressed. There are plenty of books, studies and articles about it, it is NOT normal.

You’ve made it clear it’s wrong, she knows there are consequences, she carries on regardless. Now she’s started in her siblings toys!

I’d do some reading and make an appointment with a G.P and go from there.

At last, a sensible response!

Preggopreggo · 16/04/2024 02:46

https://www.facebook.com/reel/901295431632767?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

Are there lots of strict rules about ‘good’ behaviour?

If she’s being scripted as ‘smart, kind and helpful’ that pressure may just be too much and this is her outlet. Best not to ascribe any labels to kids. Comment on their actions not their personal characteristics.

Its taken me years of therapy as an adult to shake off this kind of script and realise that I do not have to be a good girl and please everyone else

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/reel/901295431632767?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

ThisNiftyMintCat · 16/04/2024 04:03

It might be a sensory thing- she likes the sensation of gouging/ modifying furniture etc. Can you get her a second hand chair or something that she can do what she wants with?

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gamerchick · 20/04/2024 21:57

I smell someone who takes photos of plane trails and posts them on Facebook to warn people.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 20/04/2024 22:49

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You've been really unlucky at thinking ,haven't you?

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softslicedwhite · 21/04/2024 08:50

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I have fourteen years experience of working in special needs education and nearly ten years of parenting a child with multiple additional needs and am also autistic and have ADHD myself. That's how I know you're full of 💩

gamerchick · 21/04/2024 08:52

I have nearly 20 years experience working in mental health in a senior position

Ah bless you man. Thankfully reading your posts pretty much says that's a lie.