Smart, kind, helpful 7 year old DESTROYING home

[cassielb]

Hi fellow mums. First time poster long time viewer needing desperate help or advice.

My 7 year old daughter has been displaying quite destructive habits the last 1-2 years.

Quick summary on her though she is extremely smart, well behaved in school, very helpful, kind, polite everything is great other than her constantly destroying her room.

She has picked up an attitude the last few months as expected but she quickly apologises when she knows she is wrong. Now with the destroying her room. She has drawn on walls, toys, furniture, carpet so we took her desk out and had a rule of only pens and crafts downstairs. Great! This continued as she would either sneak pens home from nana's/school/downstairs so we started doing bag checks and made her clean up what she had ruined. Great! Christmas goes by and she got some stocking crafts and completely destroyed her tonies she had just gotten by drawing colouring all over them. My fault for not checking what family members had given her when passing by at Xmas. So we got more strict with checking her room, basically compromised and said you prove you can be responsible for your room we will fix up (fix it meaning repaint what she had destroyed and change her room a little).

Our last straw was her drawing on her infant sisters toys while I was upstairs changing her. We cancelled her school holiday activities and she was not allowed to see her nana (who she loves) that week. My last straw and why I'm writing this post was I just went to tuck her in while she was asleep and noticed she has carved out chunks of her wall and carved numbers letters into the wall with a hair clip.

I woke her up asked why and it's the usual, I don't know, I don't remember, it was an accident, I'm sorry! I'm at my wits end, she is such a good child in every other aspect other than this. When I say she is so so so kind loving smart she is an angle but this we cannot seem to budge. We tried back checks, reward coins, reward charts, grounding, no activities, no tv, only books in her room, everything. I don't know what else to do, it's been 2 years of her ruining her room in our first home we have bought and it's only getting worse. Any advice is much appreciated

P.s : she went through a phase of taking things from nana's house, cousins house and had even taken things from shops. This went on for around a year but after letting her know if it happened again we would have to tell the police this has stopped. For good hopefully!

Pss: he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted! This aside as I said she is an amazing child which is why I get so frustrated punishing her.

I need help

Nearly all kids go through a phase of drawing on walls.

It's not where they are supposed to draw, and yes most parents (me included) tell them off for it and try to control pens etc and redirect to craft corners or outside drawing.

But I don't think you can describe it as aberrant behaviour when it is nearly universal.

This is NOT normal behaviour. Do not listen to those silly posters. I don't know what the answer is, but please, this is not normal. If I had drawn on walls as a child my parents would have come down on me like a ton of bricks!

Thank you! I didn't think my punishment of no activities for a day was severe until I posted this. To me taking my child out to go play after she defaced her sisters new toys was rewarding bad behaviour.

You know drawing on walls isn't a stage almost all kids go through - what has happened to basic discipline ( which is about teaching children what isn't acceptable ) if it is now normal I dread to think

Very bright and good at school - she might just be bored and understimulated

So you're suggesting that just on the off chance that OP's DD is a budding artist, that OP allows her to completely and utterly destroy their home and everything within it? Potentially causing hundreds if not thousands of pounds worth of damage? Just to be a cool Mum? Just fucking wow I've heard everything there is to hear now. Every bloody thing

I have absolutely no concept of what a ‘cool mum’ might be. I’m merely suggesting that the OP might try to broaden the horizons a bit for her child. It’s no good saying if she wants to go to a gallery we’ll go. She’s a child, she has no idea what’s available within the nearest 200 miles of home - the parent needs to lead and provide the inspiration and examples.

But it’s disappointing, @cassielb, that your response is to accuse me of not reading the thread properly, just because I disagree with you. It must be very clear that I’ve read every single post with the utmost care. Attacking my reading skills isn’t going to solve anything.

She's almost 8 years old not 3. If I ask what she wants to do this weekend she is more than capable of letting me know. She is also more than capable of knowing she has a full play room of messy play and crafts she has free access to whenever she wants. You sound silly

I did think this as she only spends alone time in her room when it's before bed so we thought ok maybe a later bedtime as she might not be tired and is finding things to do in her room. She has books and barbies in there but maybe that isn't enough

It does sound like ADHD is a possibility. Girls especially hold it together and mask at school and then explode when they get home, which it sounds like what she is doing.

Agree giving her more options and ability to move around and do more might help as well as looking at getting her assessed

Thank you! People are wanting me to accept it but no. She has full access to a play room of crafts and messy play etc so destroying her room is not going to be accepted in our house. I agree it is not normal behaviour for an almost 8 year old. 3-4/5 sure but not someone heading into year 3

Thank you

It’s not just drawing on walls, though, it’s gouging chunks out of walls and carving on furniture. That’s not normal for a nearly 8 year old, however much you say that it is.

I've read all the way through to 9:54am. Just based on my own experience of parenting only 2 children and entertaining their friends I would say this is completely not typical behaviour for a 7 year old, it must be so frustrating for you. DC here had only maybe one go each of defacing walls as toddlers and knew not to try it again.

At that age, they spent hardly any time in their bedroom, no toys there apart from cherished soft toys for sleeping with and some bedtime books to choose from. It was a sleeping space.

I think previous posters who suggested professional intervention are on the right track, something is not right somewhere.

Try not to say things in a negative way. Don't say "Charlotte, you must not use markers on your bedroom walls", she will only remember "use markers on your bedroom walls". Instead reinforce the idea that the playroom is the place for it. "Charlotte, let's get the markers out and use them in the playroom"

Get your mother or a friend on board. "Charlotte, will you show me your room" "Oh dear, what happened here?" (That must make Mummy and Daddy sad, will we clean it up and make it better?) Reinforcement without negativity.

At that age, less reliance on colouring books and sheets, more emphasis on blank sheets. Give her a task, "Charlotte, can you do me a painting of children in the park?"

On Amazon, and possibly elsewhere, you can get frames especially to display children's artwork which also hold up to 50 other sheets behind. "Charlotte, that's such a great picture, shall we frame it?" You are showing her that you value her work enough to frame it. Then, "Charlotte, such lovely pictures, you pick your favourite to go in the front" Maybe you will like one of them enough to use on your phone screen.

"Charlotte, will you do a picture that's all about you?"

"Charlotte, will you tell me the story about this lovely picture? This was always a useful question for me when the children were little and I had no clue what I was looking at.

Lego, Lego and more Lego. Not so much the ones you build something specific from a kit but random pieces that you have to be more creative with. This is going to be a bit of a challenge with little sister as you'll have to keep the pieces away from her.

Does she have Lego and construction toys and plenty of outdoor play? You mention books, Barbies and crafts but maybe she does need her horizons broadened a bit. My dc the ‘destroyer’ plays with Lego for about half an hour before bed to wind down which definitely helps.

Thank you for the advice!! Appreciate it

Yes she's always running outdoors we have patio from the kitchen so she's always in and out when I'm cooking chasing the cats ha ha. She has Lego but doesn't seem so interested I am looking into these construction toys previous members have mentioned. Thanks for the response

It'll be a feeling she's unable to express or an impulse she's unable to control.

She's only 7, so this is understandable.

Don't overreact, you'll make it worse. I agree make a designated space for scribbling etc.

Get her to help you put right any damage, but not in a harsh way. Be matter of fact 'we can't draw on the walls, so we need to clean this off and make sure any drawing is on the paper'. Anger won't solve anything.

Also find things to praise. Children crave attention, if they get more attention for negative behaviour, they repeat it.

This is possibly part of why she does it.

Sounds like you expect perfection not just normal, healthy, happy.

It reads like a lot of punishment and whilst I do agree the behaviours can't go unpunished. I do wonder what responses the good behaviours get.

Would a punish one reward one system work where if you have had to punish her for defacing something you then search the following day for behaviours that you want to encourage with small rewards. For example the day you cancelled the soft play with their nanny they could get a video call or a very brief visit later that day with nanny if they had then been doing what you want them to do. It's important to have consequences for actions that cause damage to property but it is also important to allow redemption and I'm wondering if this is part of the loop that's missing.

OP I was saying she definitely isn’t an “angle” because it’s “ angel”

People would actually encourage this behaviour with lining paper etc. ?
What the hell is wrong with you?
No wonder so many kids are feral.
My 4 year old Grandson knows not to draw on walls or destroy things so a 7 year old should definitely know.

Hahaha at 'feral' because a child is allowed to draw in their own home.

Yes of course, she never has no follow up and is punished for eternity. If she misbehaves on Monday that doesn't mean she's locked away until Wednesday no she gets told off has to help me clean what she has done and then either something is removed and given back. She has a reward chart she has pocket money. I would never punish my child with no follow up: also taking away something from her room and saying only use it down here is hardly a harsh punishment

It's really bad manners to point out mistakes in this way.

I was taught as a child to be polite about other people's mistakes.

@calligraphee

This is possibly part of why she does it.

Sounds like you expect perfection not just normal, healthy, happy.*

Nowhere did I say I expect perfection. My home life is far from perfect, my house is a mess at times it doesn't bother me that's life with kids and I wouldn't change it. I said she IS smart kind happy helpful that is who she is she's not made to do chores she's not made to do homework she does all on her own she is a great child other than this issue.*

Yeah it's crazy to me people are saying it's normal. It's a no no in my house to draw and ruin things that you have been told is wrong