Page 3 | Smart, kind, helpful 7 year old DESTROYING home

cassielb · 2024-04-10T22:31:24+00:00

Hi fellow mums. First time poster long time viewer needing desperate help or advice. My 7 year old daughter has been displaying quite destructive habits the last 1-2 years. Quick summary on her though she is extremely smart, well behaved in school, very helpful, kind, polite everything is great other than her constantly destroying her room. She has picked up an attitude the last few months as expected but she quickly apologises when she knows she is wrong. Now with the destroying her room. She has drawn on walls, toys, furniture, carpet so we took her desk out and had a rule of only pens and crafts downstairs. Great! This continued as she would either sneak pens home from nana's/school/downstairs so we started doing bag checks and made her clean up what she had ruined. Great! Christmas goes by and she got some stocking crafts and completely destroyed her tonies she had just gotten by drawing colouring all over them. My fault for not checking what family members had given her when passing by at Xmas. So we got more strict with checking her room, basically compromised and said you prove you can be responsible for your room we will fix up (fix it meaning repaint what she had destroyed and change her room a little). Our last straw was her drawing on her infant sisters toys while I was upstairs changing her. We cancelled her school holiday activities and she was not allowed to see her nana (who she loves) that week. My last straw and why I'm writing this post was I just went to tuck her in while she was asleep and noticed she has carved out chunks of her wall and carved numbers letters into the wall with a hair clip. I woke her up asked why and it's the usual, I don't know, I don't remember, it was an accident, I'm sorry! I'm at my wits end, she is such a good child in every other aspect other than this. When I say she is so so so kind loving smart she is an angle but this we cannot seem to budge. We tried back checks, reward coins, reward charts, grounding, no activities, no tv, only books in her room, everything. I don't know what else to do, it's been 2 years of her ruining her room in our first home we have bought and it's only getting worse. Any advice is much appreciated P.s : she went through a phase of taking things from nana's house, cousins house and had even taken things from shops. This went on for around a year but after letting her know if it happened again we would have to tell the police this has stopped. For good hopefully! Pss: he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted! This aside as I said she is an amazing child which is why I get so frustrated punishing her. I need help [shock][wine]

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Gymnoob · 11/04/2024 09:11

As humans universally we have an innate need to want to build the world around us. Kids do this with building blocks, sand castles, den building and drawing on walls. Even teens and adults who grew up and felt they had no control. Ie their world was set in stone, or they live in urban environments where they are literally informed by infrastructure where to walk, where to sit, where to cross a road feel inclination to break out from this with graffiti, skateboarding and free running (parkour).

Tell her she can be whoever she wants to be, and that she’s capable of creating whatever life around her she wants. Because sadly your not always going to be here and am sure when she’s older you want her to feel capable of building whatever life she wants.

That sounds like a stretch to some wall drawing but it’s not. I am sure in your time you have met plenty of people who think their life is set in stone and they can’t affect change. Can’t get a better job. Can’t move areas or house. Can’t change a routine.

I appreciate it’s going to be a big ethos change so you’re probably going to need to talk it through and explain. Maybe something like you’re a big girl now so we trust you. Please prove us and yourself right. Here’s the pens. Here’s your new room for adorning walls (paper lined). No to your sisters toys.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 11/04/2024 09:11

No you are definitely not crazy! Just one thing does she watch any YouTube by any chance? DD had a short phase of going through what you describe when she was around 4/5 (covid/needs must at the time) and we realised it was from watching things on YouTube, so they think it’s sort of fun and ok and that the parent will think it’s funny. Your DD is a bit older and you’ve explained it’s wrong but just thought it was worth mentioning.

Good luck, I’m sure it’ll work out soon.

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:11

Cadela · 11/04/2024 08:45

She could have ADHD - my 7 year old sounds the exact same down to drawing on everything, she gouged out my eyeshadow and rubbed it into the carpet last week while I was on a work call. I was like????? Ok?

It’s poor impulse control, they do it without thinking. She’s not trying to wind you up (even though it will) and it’s one of the classic signs of ADHD. I’d speak to your school SEN lead and get the ball rolling with an assessment.

Oooo yes I had that one too! She got a makeup set set for Christmas from a cousins and I was terrified ha ha. Gave her a chance to have it in her room and we had some lovely makeup nights together which then transpired into redecorating her curtains and carpet so it had to go downstairs to her play room

OP posts:

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:11

CanaryCanary · 11/04/2024 08:51

it does sound like adhd, impulse control is a massive issue.

Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that her brain might work a bit differently to yours and work together to decide what’s ok and what isn’t? So if she has this overwhelming urge to draw she needs to find ok ways to do that.

You are right to punish behaviour like drawing on somebody else’s stuff though!

Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:13

mitogoshi · 11/04/2024 08:54

You need to give her outlets for her creativity but drawing on walls is never acceptable, i actually disagree with allowing it in bedrooms because they can then struggle to keep to just that side of the room or whatever. Blanket no writing on walls is easier. Do you restrict paper, colouring books etc downstairs? I'm wondering if that's why she's drawing on other objects. I also wonder if the new baby is the cause, do they have the same dad? Lots of change is hard for kids having been an only for 7 years, especially if combined with a stepdad situation (and no one is to blame is just insight into what she's going through

So she has a playroom opposite the kitchen where I can see her when cooking and cleaning. She has crafts and pens in there and also a toy cupboard in the living room so she has not been stopped from using them she can only use them downstairs with us around.

Yes same dad, she is besotted with her sister I did think it was that too but it has been happening wayyyy before she was born (she's only 6 months old). I did struggle with the balance for the first 6 weeks but now we have an amazing routine that allows me to have one on one time with her without her baby sister and then also family days out together so I don't think it is that

OP posts:

BlossomBlossomBlossom · 11/04/2024 09:14

Gosh, your reactions and punishment regime seem awfully harsh, @cassielb

Clearly she is communicating something through the medium that seems most natural to her. I don’t see why you wouldn’t try to explore that. As well as providing her with appropriate space and tools at home for spontaneous art expression - how much time does she get to spend in art galleries or art workshops or being taken to see outdoor sculpture or installations?

You could have an actual genius on your hands - who you’re constantly trying to suppress.

(PS the stealing probably happened because she was taught about money at school. Unfortunately the lessons don’t seem to make clear, or perhaps 7 year old brains aren’t developed enough to understand, the concept of ownership of money, so you get this temporary problem. It’s not a character flaw, just a temporary thing they grow out of.)

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:15

Kittensat36 · 11/04/2024 08:59

My DSis used that whiteboard film on the walls for her youngest two DDs. When they had done a drawing, she took a photo on her phone, so she had it (and to show it was important), then it got wiped for the next creation. Easy to change when you need to.

Great idea

OP posts:

theduchessofspork · 11/04/2024 09:17

cassielb · 11/04/2024 08:37

Hey so I did not wake her up at 11pm lol I woke her up the next morning for ballet as usual and spoke about it then. Honestly I'm shocked at the responses of people thinking drawing painting & carving on walls & furniture is ok behaviour, I have not taken anything from her, those things are just used downstairs at her art table & not in her room.

I do like the idea of an art wall, she had a huge whiteboard then chalk wall but the pen/chalk still ended up on her furniture bedding windows etc.

I also want to say it's being glazed over where I have said she is an amazing child which is why I find it so hard dealing with this, some of these responses make it sound like I'm abusing her!

I don’t think anyone thinks you are abusing her. But your parenting skills in this area are a bit off - you are over punishing and treating behaviour that is manageable with a few tweaks as a problem, rather than find creative ways to let her draw, and focusing down on the small areas that are a problem. I do also think she should be assessed.,

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:18

downsizedilemma · 11/04/2024 09:00

My DC often drew/wrote on things at that age - back seat of the car, furniture, toys etc. I didn't think too much of it to be honest.

I am not sure about the punishments - I wonder whether this is turning this into an even bigger thing/making the feelings she has even stronger. Have you ever come across the book How To Talk So That Kids Will Listen? That has some great strategies for dealing with problems e.g. sitting down with her and saying 'it's a real problem that you are drawing on the walls and damaging your sister's toys, let's think of a solution so that this doesn't happen in future'. Then you write down all the ideas, even the silly ones, and choose a few together. It (and the other strategies in the book) really work IME.

Yes my health advisor suggested this book. I talk through any punishments with her beforehand for advice. We did the gentle talking then the no treats this weekend then the no tv for the night. I have been told by her and her counsellor some children just don't respond to certain punishments and my child seems to be one that responds better to privileges and consequences better than sit down chats. Don't get my wrong we still have a reward chart and talk to her (we never shout) but that doesn't always work, she taking things from her room and only letting her draw paint in her playroom is something we have chosen to do

OP posts:

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:19

Lovemusic82 · 11/04/2024 09:04

My dd has always been like this, she is diagnosed with ASD. She has the smallest room in the house but it’s a mess. I gave up buying her nice things years ago, she loves drawing in everything and destroying everything. I was upset a few years back when she destroyed some build a bear my little ponies that cost me a small fortune, she drew on them with pens and chopped their hair off. I have to paint her walls often as she draws on them, at the moment her walls have been pen free for 6 months (longest time in ages), she has some photo frames that she can display her art work in. I put Lino on her floor as she kept ruining the carpet, the Lino is now covered in pen and paint but it’s her room and she has to sleep in there.

Wow 6 months! I bet that was a nice break from painting for you mama

OP posts:

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:20

SoupDragon · 11/04/2024 09:08

he dad has adhd, I don't know much about it but he seems to think she had it. She is a bit fidgety and her school report is great other than her getting distracted!

I think it's worth looking into an ADHD assessment. DS2 was like this - he'd do things and be unable to explain why he'd done them but was always very apologetic after the event (genuinely apologetic). He had very poor impulse control. His school reports were generally glowing as he was very bright - they just mentioned distraction/lack of focus. He got a diagnosis as an adult.

Taking the stuff away won't help in this scenario as it's not something they can control. They'll just find something else. Drawing on other people's stuff or damaging it is not on though and the behaviour needs to be guided away from this.

Edited

Thank you so much for the response. Yep this sounds like our little one which is why we never shout when we tell her off about it qs she is visibly already upset for doing up and remorseful.

We removed her pens and crafts from her room and she is only allowed to use them downstairs in her play room or in the living room where we are. I could never take them away, a bored child is a terrifying child ha ha

OP posts:

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:21

mitogoshi · 11/04/2024 09:09

But as others have said adhd is a possibility, my youngest was impulsive at this age, she scrubbed a fair few walls! Never could keep quiet etc but she learnt, took far longer than her sister. She is dyslexic and has adhd traits but is a very successful young adult now, can't say what because there's few women in the country doing what she does so outing.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:24

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 11/04/2024 09:11

No you are definitely not crazy! Just one thing does she watch any YouTube by any chance? DD had a short phase of going through what you describe when she was around 4/5 (covid/needs must at the time) and we realised it was from watching things on YouTube, so they think it’s sort of fun and ok and that the parent will think it’s funny. Your DD is a bit older and you’ve explained it’s wrong but just thought it was worth mentioning.

Good luck, I’m sure it’ll work out soon.

No I'm very strict on unsupervised tv time. We watch things together and if I'm cooking in kitchen or cleaning etc she's usually watching a Disney movie (she doesn't really watch tv tbh it's more background noise).

Weekends we are usually out and then she has school so the tv time is only usually after school or after her after school activities but yea no YouTube she's a Disney+ lover ha ha

Thank you for the response!

OP posts:

YeahComeOnThen · 11/04/2024 09:25

PennyPickles60 · 11/04/2024 01:50

I found this more disturbing than a 7 year old who has free access to arts and crafts materials too.

Why do parents allow their D.C. free access to activities meant for supervised play and then blame the D.C. for being children? It beats me tbh 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

@PennyPickles60

pens & pencils - supervised play?? 😂😂. Not by 7, no

SoupDragon · 11/04/2024 09:26

GreyTonkinese · 11/04/2024 08:39

I have got to say that my ADHD child never defaced, coloured or gouged walls. My son gets so fed up with bad behaviour from brattish children being attributed to being ADHD. ADHD is not a charter for feral behaviour. He knew perfectly well he would have been punished severely for ruining a room and it wouldn't have been not seeing grandma for a week.

You do understand that your ADHD child is not representative of all children with ADHD?

DS2 was like this, DD was not. Both have ADHD.

Octavia64 · 11/04/2024 09:27

Both my children did this - drawing on things, adding stickers to things etc right up until teenage years,

They drew on their toys, they had stickers which they stuck bloody everywhere in their bedroom and on their wardrobe and on their computers and consoles.

I (mostly) didn't see it as destructive behaviour. I also remember doing it myself - putting up stickers all over my bedroom and putting up paper and writing on it.

I understand that you feel it is normal for toddlers, but at least three people (me and my kids) did it until age 10 or so.

I'm currently redecorating a house I have just moved to and one of the bedrooms has clearly been a kid's as there are stickers everywhere and it is a nightmare to get off.

I did get upset when they drew on a doll that had been my great grandmothers but there was no evil intent.

I appreciate you don't like it and don't approve of it but it isn't completely unusual.

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:27

BlossomBlossomBlossom · 11/04/2024 09:14

Gosh, your reactions and punishment regime seem awfully harsh, @cassielb

Clearly she is communicating something through the medium that seems most natural to her. I don’t see why you wouldn’t try to explore that. As well as providing her with appropriate space and tools at home for spontaneous art expression - how much time does she get to spend in art galleries or art workshops or being taken to see outdoor sculpture or installations?

You could have an actual genius on your hands - who you’re constantly trying to suppress.

(PS the stealing probably happened because she was taught about money at school. Unfortunately the lessons don’t seem to make clear, or perhaps 7 year old brains aren’t developed enough to understand, the concept of ownership of money, so you get this temporary problem. It’s not a character flaw, just a temporary thing they grow out of.)

This has been happening for two years so I disagree. I stared with telling off, then removing pens from her room, then no chocolate for the weekend. Nothing worked.

Removing pens and crafts from her bedroom and only allowing her to use them in her playroom or downstairs is hardly stop her creative freedom.

I cancelled two days worth of activities (the weekend) as this was after we decided to re-do her room only to find she has drawn and stamped all over her infant sisters new Christmas toys and hidden them. What would your suggestion be cause taking her out to go to a soft play the next day is rewarding bad behaviour in my eyes

She is in swimming lessons, ballet, tennis, gymnastics and is part of a cycle club. All by choice. She has more than enough activities weekly, and I always am with my children, we have a girls day without the baby once a week for me to focus on her. She's very happy as I mentioned and is an amazing child which is why we are struggling. We never shout or smack.

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 11/04/2024 09:28

Oh, forgot to add: one of mine is now diagnosed AuDHD but one is not. I have no diagnosis.

Cheshireflamingo · 11/04/2024 09:30

3ormorecharacters · 11/04/2024 01:56

You mention an infant sister, how old is she? Does your pregnancy and her birth align with this change in behaviour? Maybe she is finding it difficult to adjust and this is how she's expressing it.

This. It could be her way of seeking attention. The only time my (very well-behaved) son drew on the wall was when we had just moved house and were very busy trying to sort everything. Luckily we were planning on redecorating anyway.

Runningbird43 · 11/04/2024 09:37

I never get cancelling activities as punishment.

they’re just going to get bored with no energy outlet which will exacerbate things. It also gives you a break!

if a dog started getting destructive would you keep it in and take its toys away until it learned not to? No, you’d be giving it more walks, finding activities and training to keep its mind busy.

one of mine was like this. I booked her into every activity/sport I could think of. Ballet, swimming, gymnastics, brownies, rock climbing- in the holidays we did art classes at museums, holiday clubs, football clubs…. At the start I was a bit doubtful as I didn’t think she’d be able to focus and listen for an entire class, but clubs that age cater to it.

does she do much in the way of extra curriculars o/p? I’d get her signed up to everything you can possibly take her to.

as a bonus, mine actually got very good at one of the activities and went to the us on a sports scholarship 2 years ago. No student debt 😂

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:39

Runningbird43 · 11/04/2024 09:37

I never get cancelling activities as punishment.

they’re just going to get bored with no energy outlet which will exacerbate things. It also gives you a break!

if a dog started getting destructive would you keep it in and take its toys away until it learned not to? No, you’d be giving it more walks, finding activities and training to keep its mind busy.

one of mine was like this. I booked her into every activity/sport I could think of. Ballet, swimming, gymnastics, brownies, rock climbing- in the holidays we did art classes at museums, holiday clubs, football clubs…. At the start I was a bit doubtful as I didn’t think she’d be able to focus and listen for an entire class, but clubs that age cater to it.

does she do much in the way of extra curriculars o/p? I’d get her signed up to everything you can possibly take her to.

as a bonus, mine actually got very good at one of the activities and went to the us on a sports scholarship 2 years ago. No student debt 😂

Yea I will paste here.

I cancelled two days worth of activities (the weekend) as this was after we decided to re-do her room only to find she has drawn and stamped all over her infant sisters new Christmas toys and hidden them. What would your suggestion be cause taking her out to go to a soft play the next day is rewarding bad behaviour in my eyes

She is in swimming lessons, ballet, tennis, gymnastics and is part of a cycle club with her dad. All by choice. She has more than enough activities weekly, and I always am with my children, we have a girls day without the baby once a week for me to focus on her. She's very happy as I mentioned and is an amazing child which is why we are struggling. We never shout or smack.

OP posts:

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:40

Octavia64 · 11/04/2024 09:28

Oh, forgot to add: one of mine is now diagnosed AuDHD but one is not. I have no diagnosis.

Ahh great!

OP posts:

Grandmasswagbag · 11/04/2024 09:42

It’s completely normal behaviour. Some kids are worse than others. You are being ridiculously over the top about it. She needs to know that drawing on someone else’s toys or family furniture isn’t ok but her tonies? They are her possessions. My dc scribbled on the back of his Yoto player when it was brand new. I was rather annoyed but that’s because to me it’s an item worth £100 and now probably won’t have resale value. To him it’s simply his new story player as he has no real concept beyond that. Most children will grow out of it. Some it just in their nature to explore materials, how things work, what will happen if I do X?, plus poor impulse control. If my son has something that looks technical and is made in parts he wants to take it apart to see how it works.

Original poster

cassielb · 11/04/2024 09:42

Regarding her room. Do any parents who have gone through this suggest re-painting and re-decorating her room still or waiting until this phase is (hopefully) over. She designed her room herself when she was 4 and we bought the house we are in but now has new favourite colours and styles and is growing up so fast we were going to change it but all these set backs have put us off doing so.

Also, any tips for stampers and pens on white carpet!

OP posts:

EnglishBluebell · 11/04/2024 09:43

Cadela · 11/04/2024 08:45

She could have ADHD - my 7 year old sounds the exact same down to drawing on everything, she gouged out my eyeshadow and rubbed it into the carpet last week while I was on a work call. I was like????? Ok?

It’s poor impulse control, they do it without thinking. She’s not trying to wind you up (even though it will) and it’s one of the classic signs of ADHD. I’d speak to your school SEN lead and get the ball rolling with an assessment.

Your child defaced your property and your carpet and all you said was "Ok?" WTAF? That is NOT ADHD that's appallingly bad behaviour and should be punished. JFC

Smart, kind, helpful 7 year old DESTROYING home

Interested in this thread?