Assault/suspension/trans child

[Stressedgiraffe]

I need some outside views.
My ds was suspended.
These care the facts

Incident 1 - AM T and two of his friends were taking shelter from the rain during morning break.

They were accosted by a large group of year 7 girls who were making derogatory slurs, being intimidating and making threats.

A girl said "Why are you wearing that hat, you freak". T replied, "It's raining".

At this point t took out his phone. The girl then said words along the lines of "why are you taking photos of me T**y" and other threats and slurs

The girl then punched down on to T's collar bone leaving a mark and broken skin while using hate speech term for a protected characteristic Ty

T's responded defensively with a partially closed hand push to the girls lower left jaw.

At this point friends took T to Ace, where he had to wait 10 minutes or more to be seen by a teacher She appeared to be already aware of the incident and sent T to ISR.

There appears to be little attempt to corroborate the incident from T and friends Rather relying on the words of a much larger group who were being intimidating to a marginalised and minority protected characteristic.

Incident 2 - PM
On attempting to leave at the end of the school day , T And friends were accosted again just prior to the school gate. A mixed age group of girls with what appears to be a sixth former participating.

One girl lunged at T pulling his hat and hair. The hat fell into a muddy puddle. This hat is very new and a comfort gift to T from his mother.

As T went to retrieve the hat from the puddle, the girl attempted to grab it as well, this action of her's caused her to hit into T's left hand where he was holding his phone.

The girl then proceeded to shout. "Did you see that SHE hit me" repeatedly.

The group then broke into two, with the Sixth Former and several other following T and his friends making threats and using derogatory hate speech.

His friends took him to where his mother was parked and asked that T get a lift as he was afraid for tanks safety and this group as around 5 meters from hid friends mothers car.

Friend's mother then drove him home.

As you can see from the two incidents, these were NOT initiated by T also there appears to be little in the way of quizzing his friends about their version of events, rather relying on others words.

This is deeply concerning, especially as T is physically small and continues to receive hate speech and intimidation whilst at High School as well as receiving harassment and threats whilst on school grounds.

They are threatening to exclude him. Wtf do we do?

The part about ‘Covid Kids’ is so scarily accurate. ♥️

Your child is obviously highly vulnerable if a bunch of year 7 are winding them up and they are getting involved in fighting. This is likely because they are autistic more than because they are trans (a huge proportion of ftm teens with pubertal or post pubertal gender dysphoria are autistic).

If your child is unable to conform sufficiently because of their social communication differences so as not to draw excessive negative attention to themselves in a mainstream secondary school (and that isn't a negative judgement, just an observation) then I would be asking about a more protective or inclusive school environment instead.

As an aside, there are things a person can decide to do to survive secondary school as an autistic person. They can try to go under the radar. They can decide to try mask and fit in as much as possible. They can decide to be unashamedly autistic with comfort hats and ear defenders and what have you. They can try to find a neurodivergent peer group to hang out with. These are all valid choices, but they do come with different consequences. I guess primarily knowing that if you look obviously different, other kids will challenge that and you have to know how to handle that. My autistic son chooses to wears his hair down below his bum. This attracts attention and other kids say he looks weird. He agrees and says being weird is a talent he has. This tends to deflate the other kids' planned arguments and he rarely gets any further trouble.

Do you see what I am saying? If you choose to stand out, whoever you are, as a teen this means you need to be resilient enough to cope with the attention this will draw to you. Teens are notoriously conformist. Wearing a 'comfort hat' is like wearing a big target on your back. Of course that isn't how things should be, but it is how they are.

I think your child needs to accept that they hit a much younger child and accept the consequences, and you as a parent need to use this incident as a demonstration of your child's general vulnerability in school and need for a more proactive response by school to keep them safe.

teach your daughter not to punch girls three years younger than her in the jaw, no matter what the provocation

Personally I'd be seeking a meeting with the head to discuss both incidents and address what exactly they are doing about the transphobic behaviour on display within their school. I'd also be enquiring as to the punishment of the girl.that hit your child first, doesn't matter how old or what gender, they should absolutely be punished for their behaviour. Did they take statements from all children there-including the friends of your child? If not ask them why not as every child that witnessed it should have given their version of events.
From what you have described, if that is exactly what happened, then they have no grounds for a permanent exclusion. If that unlikely event happens then I strongly recommend you appeal it immediately.

Your 15yo retaliated to a punch from a 10/11 yo by punching them back. That’s the nub of the reason for their suspension. Neither should’ve punched anyone but your child’s significantly higher age makes them more culpable as far as school are concerned. Clearly there were sufficient witnesses saying the same thing so the decision was made to suspend your child. With such a significant age difference height and weight are irrelevant; everyone involved is a natal female (? message and abbreviations incoherent, so assuming) so no sex advantage as far as strength goes re an older male hitting a younger female fortunately.

The school should have dealt with the verbal abuse from the younger pupils but may not always tell you the outcome if any penalties imposed on others.

It is clear from your wording you are minimising your child’s actions with the blather about partially closed hands pushing jaws - lets face it, that wording doesn’t inspire confidence in the accuracy of the account.

There was absolutely no need for the verbal abuse and bullying directed at your child, it must be horrible to experience, but unfortunately if it becomes physical this will be the thing that attracts most punishment regardless of provocation. Sadly children will often be cruel about any point of difference (especially if they get a reaction) so I would want to speak to the school to make sure they keep an eye on things to prevent this becoming a pattern of bullying that exacerbates mental health problems.

Someone posted last week about their/their child's hats being thrown in muddy puddles in the playground.

This can't be a coincidence and so really makes me doubt the legitimacy here I'm afraid.

I gave up the moment you mentioned protected characteristics. I knew where it was going from that point

That wasn't me. Mn can verify I've been here for 17 od years

So it’s ok for someone to pick on another kid for being trans?

The size of your child is neither here nor there. The fact that they are ftm trans is neither here nor there. It doesn't afford them any 'extra' considerations in these circumstances. Why do you think these factors should mean that your child's punishment should be viewed more favourably because of either fact?

In this instance, it just comes across that you're enabling them, and their apparent victim complex.

No. It’s not ok to pick on another child for anything. The reference to ‘protected characteristics’ is clearly giving the impression that OP sees this as anybody but her daughter’s fault. Punching a younger child in the face, trans or not, is not acceptable.

Yes. I now only do a little bit of supply. In my permanent post, I had three girls who identified as boys. (All three were in different year groups.)

The last I heard, all three were now back to identifying as girls. When I was a girl, they'd just have been tomboys.

I'm ND myself. When other girls were into playing with dolls, I was pretending to be Batman or Robin. (Mum made me a Little Red Riding Cape for Hallowe'en. I teamed it with a pair of red evening gloves and a red patent leather belt to become The Boy Wonder.)

The difference was that when I was young, we didn't have social media telling us that we were in the wrong body.

When you say "these are the facts", isn't it just the way T has told you it happened? Rather than the exact facts.

T may well have exaggerated/underplayed aspects of the story when telling you about it.

It's completely normal for children to put a slant on things when telling their own mother.

Even if it did all happen exactly as T described, I agree with the pp above who said T getting out the phone to start filming was an unnecessary escalation.

If someone smaller and younger comes at you aggressively, just walk away. Don't engage or start filming.

That was ridiculously hard to follow but basically your year 10 child has hit 2 other children in 1 day? 1 of them being like, 3 years younger ...? But it couldn't be their fault, because they're transgender and short..? Or something?

I dunno, I'm sorry your child is being picked on, they should be able to feel safe at school and the school obviously need to put something in place to help but I don't think enabling your child is going to do any good here. Your kid needs help, not special hats and new pronouns 🤷🏼‍♀️

Take photographs of the bruising and broken skin OP, and so this over the next few days as bruising may develop further.

The difference in injury in the parties could be relevant here and it may be worth speaking with the police if it sounds like there is assault aggravated in light of a protected characteristic.

Age/ physical size is obviously not the be-all and end-all, there are plenty of assaults that occur against physically larger/ older victims.

The child is a small female, presenting as masculine. Being bullied by other females for failing to comply with gender stereotypes.

OP this is clearly being dealt with really badly by the school who are failing to address gang bullying. Your child lashed out and is being punished but the bullies that provoked the incident aren't being sanctioned. That's awful. However your child does need to learn not to lash out like this, no matter what the provocation, violence is never the answer. Self defence is ok - learning to block and attack and use an assailant's moves to overbalance them and cause them to fall - but not hitting back. I suggest some self defense classes may boost your child's confidence and help them manage any future incidents better. There is no such thing as a school with no bullies. The bullies will pick on the target they can get the most entertainment out of. Your DC has unfortunately been quite entertaining for them, so needs some strategies to become a lot less entertaining.

I guess the 'ftm' may be relevant in that if we are going to pretend the child is a boy then we have to pretend that a 15 year-old boy punched an 11 year old in the face. Which does sound more serious because of how much stronger 15 year old boys are, or used to be I guess.

Bullying is bullying. If there are large groups of horrible 11 year olds targeting other pupils for whatever reason the school should be down on this like a ton of bricks. Who else are they picking on? I think you are concerned that what your child did was wrong, but don’t want them made into a scapegoat or allow the view that they provoked it by existing. I agree.

Fwiw I am gender critical.

Same here. Is there something in the air tonight? So many bizarre posts.

YES! Me too! I really hated being a girl, and was desperate to be a boy.
But being a ''tomboy'' was allowed then.

No one gave it a second thought.

I also looked like a boy in form {skinny and underdeveloped} with late puberty.

Hated having to wear dresses .

All very normal.

This

You need to stop minimising.

What actually is a “comfort hat?” I’ve never heard this term before.

What kind of hat was it?

I was bullied at school and some of it was because I was a bit quirky and stood out, I didn’t really do myself any favours. Kids are brutal and as sad as it is sometimes you have to try to fit in to avoid bullying and fights. If your daughter is wearing a hat that draws attention to her then it’s not giving much comfort, if this is like a security item can you not find something that isn’t as obvious?

I agree with what the majority of people have posted, I’m also less then 5 foot as an adult but could take care of myself in a fight and wouldn’t have hit a younger child. Self defence is as a pp mentioned and blocking a punch, it’s not retaliating and hitting back.

You obviously want to defend your child but you have minimised what they have done and used their height as an excuse, I doubt a year 7 child is much taller.

If your daughter is being bullied then you need to speak to the school and sort it properly, it’s one thing to fight back with a kid your own age but it’s not great to go hitting younger children. You need to be honest with yourself as well about the circumstances that have led to this and your daughter’s actions.

This is so sad OP. The school should deal with the bullying Y7s and as a ND person who struggled at school I can well understand your child’s impulse to punch back. It’s hard to gauge from your description just how much your DC was at fault, but a Y10 punching a Y7 should not go unpunished either. However, IMO the far more concerning issue here is that you are encouraging your daughter to be taken in by an incredibly harmful ideology that disproportionately affects autistic children. She is female, and lying to her about this is only going to cause her more harm in the long run. I’m sure it comes from a place of love and you’re entitled to believe in gendered souls if you wish, but you’re doing her a huge disservice.

What is a comfort hat? I'd maybe leave that at home from now on OP.