Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

Personally I’d tell her to shove her wedding up her arse …. A good friend Would not expect you to do all that with a newborn… and a good friend would not be threatening to have a strop if you don’t attend .
completely unreasonable of your “friend” , what if you are overdue or have a section ?
its not like your newborn is going be running around shouting , but even so .. a three hour journey won’t be fun

I wouldn't go, and accept them being annoyed! It doesn't feel like a reasonable request to me, I was deep in cluster feeding and contact naps at that stage.

Shame that you can't take baby along, in a sling they would probably be perfectly happy.

At seven weeks you are unlikely be able to combi feed . My understanding is bf needs to be well established i.e. 8+ weeks prior to introducing bottle.

You and baby not want to be separated. You may not feel particularly like an all day event.

Honestly this sounds like a lot of pressure for a non mandatory event. If. You had a medical appointment then yes but I don't see this as a relaxing enjoyable day.

Having to drive your baby for three hours when they might not like the car seat and have a meltdown could be really hard. This is peak meltdown stage where they might cry for no reason or be over tired. I say if you are going at all then just downgrade it to the ceremony and that's it. But at that age I couldn't be away from my baby for 45 mins.

Your friend shouldn't be mad at your plan and she shouldn't be mad if you don't go. She is being completely unrealistic.

It's recommended to not introduce bottles until after 6 weeks if you want to breastfeed so that they don't get nipple confusion. Also it makes it harder for you because you have to spend energy pumping and thinking about supply etc instead of just putting them straight on the boob all the time.

Also most first time babies are late by ten days so you could be 2 weeks over.

Agree

200 replies and not one from @FirstTimeMumToBe0524

I've been waiting for that too. Worried she's been scared off MN for life!

Slightly! 😅

The majority of these have been really lovely supportive. Thank you for those. However to a few of them - I'd like to remind you I'm (quite an anxious) first time mum who doesn't really have any idea what she's in for (does anyone before their first?! Genuine question!) and is trying to plan in advance and find a solution to keep everyone happy (grandparents were very excited about the whole idea!).

My friends who have children have all formula fed and reading these, I think they've very much focussed on the positives of birth rather than recovery (despite my attempts to drag it out of them!) 😬

Thank you though - of course my baby absolutely comes first and reading these responses has made me question the friendship slightly too. We'll not be attending.

Good for you op!

No, noone has a clue what they're in for before their first but we work it out and you will too. Even people who have been around babies a lot seem to say it's different once you're the parent! I promise your instincts are more incredible than you know, and I invite you to trust them. I only have 2 regrets from my sons first year (pretty minor things now but felt big in the moment) and both were from when I went against my instincts. They're there for a reason so trust them and trust yourself. You'll be fine :) Before you'll know it baby will be 5, you might have more of them and you'll be the one offering advice on mumset (ahem!).

Wishing you the best of luck. It's a rollercoaster, and some parts of it are a lot, but other parts of it are frickin magical!

You can’t go 7 weeks pp. sorry this wedding isn’t an option. Send the bride a link to this thread. SIBVVU.

I honestly can't comprehend not allowing tiny babies at weddings. It's so completely different to actual children who can walk and talk and cause chaos. As.long as no crying baby during ceremony and speeches. I wouldn't go! Your work around may be completely unrealistic for you. She's not really a friend if she doesn't allow you to either all come, and she can't complain if you choose not to at all

I think you’ve made the right decision. I wouldn’t go. You’d take 4+ hours driving each way, you’d at a minimum disappear for 1 hour each time, the 2 breaks you mention aren’t enough for most breastfed 7 week olds, and at that age they are potentially cluster feeding. There are so many unknowns and people who ban newborns from weddings cannot also get mad if people don’t come! I’d just feel uninvited if they didn’t want a newborn at their wedding.

Threads like these always make me so sad. I don't think you have to have children to be aware of the logistics of a newborn (+/- breastfeeding) or to at least listen to the parents when they explain these difficulties. Her wedding is important to her of course but presumably so is your friendship and I'd struggle to respect a friend who would be unhappy with me taking time out of her event to feed a newborn! We went to a wedding with an even younger baby. We didn't even know the couple that well but they could not have been more accommodating and went out of their way to make the day comfortable and convenient for us. Our LO barely woke up from their carrier and we had lovely guests coming over to compliment her and ask if we needed anything. It was a really special occasion.

I think you've made the right decision. Your solution on paper looks fine but it couldn't have happened at 7 weeks pp for us. Feeding was not well enough established and evenings were spent cluster feeding, no one else would do. I was still recovering from birth and long car journeys wouldn't have worked for me or baby.

Good for you OP!

For me it's more about the principle. Some women attend major events in the weeks after giving birth and feel absolutely fine and it goes well.

I had my first baby via c section last year and felt I recovered really well. Was out on a short walk and in a restaurant for a family big birthday within a week. But I couldn't have predicted that. It could've gone the other way.

Still despite feeling quite fine after my section I could never have travelled 3 hours in a car to a wedding, then faffed around running back and forth to breastfeed. Nightmare. Especially for a "friend" who had banned the baby.

She's genuinely awful. I'd be so hurt and disappointed in this friend.

And another PP is right. Watch her if and when she has her first kid. Watch her expect the world to dance around and make every allowance and accommodation for her kid. She is so so selfish.

By all means use the solution at home so you can pop out for a bite to eat or a bit of a pamper 😉.

You are right nobody knows how it will go. But, with support you will be fine. I was absolutely bouncing after my first and was out with friends for brief breaks two weeks post birth. The second was three days after as his big brother wanted to introduce him to his teacher.

Recovery wise, my back took a while to recover from the weight and labour. Oh and be careful with the car seats, most of us seem to end up contorting ourselves getting baby in or out.

Everything else was fine, bruised, but I healed quickly and know I was lucky on both occasions.

YABU - unreasonable to be willing to jump through so many hoops when your "friend" is totally unwilling to make any concessions for your situation.

I definitely wouldn't go in these circumstances.

You've made the right decision OP, good for you. The very best of luck with everything.

@FirstTimeMumToBe0524 when I read your OP I was really worried for you and glad to see your update but when you decline, for your own sake if nothing else, do say you’d looked into options but with a baby that small, the logistics were just impossible. Even if your friend takes it badly, you’ve made it clear you thought about this hard and this isn’t about a lack of willingness to be at her wedding. If she’s ’made it clear’ that non-attendance is a big issue for her, then she’s demonstrating a real lack of imagination and if she can’t move beyond your very reasonable explanation then I think you’re right to question the friendship.

Good for you for declining. Just to add - I had a c-section (well, 2) and both times I would have been physically ok with the journey, my recovery physically was quite straightforward. I also formula fed at 7 weeks but I still wouldn’t do this as I didn’t want to be away from my babies. Even with wonderful grandparents I just didn’t want to leave them.

You’ve definitely made the right decision op. And probably saved yourself some money and stress!

@FirstTimeMumToBe0524 good decision! Enjoy your bubble

Hopefully your friend will understand, babies are so unpredictable at that age

what is she going to do if you decline the invitation? shoot you?

Go if you want, your plan sounds fine as long as a) you can afford it and b) your parents are on board.

But if you don't want to, don't go. Just say no.