Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option

she is being entirely unreasonable. I was invited to a wedding when my dc was a similar age and it just wasn’t viable so we didn’t go and sent our apologies

I had a mostly child free wedding but we made an exception for a newborn cousin.

She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option

This sentance would make me not go!! You are assuming you will have the baby on your due date......if not, the baby could be as young as 5 weeks old. Yes, you will have little routines but you will be exhausted and if you are breastfeeding it wont be a case of 'every 4 hours', it could be every half hour or random times. Tell her you arent going, this is way too much faffing

It's great that you've proposed a solution but I think you'll find it exhausting.
As Pps have said, you need to decline if she won't accept that you'll have a newborn with you.

Please don't go! I know you've already said that you decided not to, but I wanted to add another vote of decline the invitation.
Your newborn baby's comfort comes first.

Good for you OP ! I think you’ve made the right decision .. the only thing you should be focusing on is those first few weeks with your new baby , not worrying about upsetting a bridezilla “friend “ x

You've made the right decision even though it is hard. Well done you. Hope your pregnancy goes well and enjoy the time with your new baby

You are BU on yourself. I would consider your plan at 7 months, not 7 weeks.

I still felt rubbish, bloated, bleeding, had random pains, let alone the exhaustion from night feeds and having just birthed a person.

I'd say sorry but I don't know how I'll be feeling so soon after the birth (which may or may not be late or be a c section), and because I understand they need firm numbers for caterers etc I'd have to reluctantly decline the invite.

(But then I'm an introvert who doesn't like people or events and prefer the peace of my own home.)

Personally I think you should go and enjoy your friends wedding start freezing supply so LO still gets your milk while you are gone..

It's scary leaving them first time around but mama you will NEED a break.. and your LO could get more unsettled with you nipping back and fourth..

I don't think you'll know until after you've had the baby. Mine couldn't be left for long at all as they needed feeding so often and wouldn't take a bottle. I managed a theatre trip with they were a bit older than 7 weeks, but had to call to find the interval times so my husband could be outside waiting and I could rush our to feed and then get back in for the rest of the performance. If your friend is cross if you don't go, or with your plans to come and go then she may understand later if she has kids herself. x

I didn't leave my first baby for 6 months. That's not a friend - that's a self centred arsehole. Glad you aren't going.

This wouldn't have been possible for me with baby #1 or baby #3, but I could possibly have done it with baby #2. The tricky thing is that ideally you would exclusively breastfeed for a few weeks (I think 6-8?) to get things settled before introducing a bottle. Also, some babies are very unreliable with feeds and naps. One of my babies was very slow to take solids and couldn't take a bottle so I ended up coming out to meet my mum in a wedding venue car park to BF. Maybe that option would cut down your toing and froing if some of the times are tight.

Personally I would decline the invitation if babies in arms aren't welcome. The bride isn't going to be happy either way from the sound of it but this would save you stress and expense.

Why would the bride be annoyed if you didn't go? It's a wedding invitation not a Royal Command! If Bride wants you there, she needs to be a bit more accommodating or willing to accept you just can't manage.

@FirstTimeMumToBe0524

Sorry op but your friend sounds like a right cunt and I would instantly unfriend. I assume your 'friend' hasn't children! My best friend got married when my boy was 7 weeks old and she was like 'come if you can but don't worry it you can't'. This is a friend I've had for 35 years! She saved me a seat quietly tucked away so I could breastfeed away. We left when the night do started.

I had a baby in December and am breastfeeding and its is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He is 3 months old tomorrow and still pretty much attached to my nips. Some days he will have a quick feed and other days he will feed for ages.

I would politely decline the wedding personally or just go for a few drinks on the evening.

Sorry your having to make such a decision

I was trying to think of the phrase I've heard on mumsnet about these kind if situations before.
I think it's
"it's an invitation, not a summons!"

What you haven't mentioned is how you feelabout going.
Would you genuinely be really sad and upset if you miss her wedding?? Is it very important to YOU to go?
If not, and it's just about not upsetting her, then I definitely wouldn't go.
I know she has said no kids/babies to the wedding. Has she offered anything in terms of practical or emotional support following the arrival of your little one? Does she make room in her life for you, or are you expected to do what falls in best with her.

I know in the US lots of women have to go back to work when their babies are this age, so obviously it 'can' be done...but there is no way I could have left either of my babies at that age. Not even for half an hour, never mind for several hours after all the palaver of travelling and getting ready for a wedding.
I was pretty much glued to the sofa feeding for weeks!

This!
I would have great pleasure in telling bridezilla that there are more important people in your life now who you need to accommodate. She sounds like an entitled madam and I wouldn’t count someone so unreasonable as a friend

I declined two wedding invites for the same reason when our youngest was born. She would have been 8 weeks old for one and 12 for the second. It just wasn’t feasible. And I didn’t feel up to it either.

She was exclusively on breast milk, but was expressed and bottle fed. It was just a constant circle of pumping, feeding, getting them to sleep. It’s quite tough at that early stage.

Yabu trying to please the bride rather than yourself and your own child op. I was a bridesmaid when my child was 4 weeks old and felt OK, but he was with me the whole day except me walking down the isle.

Any friend of mine who dictated that missing their wedding was not acceptable and also expected me to leave a tiny newborn would probably not be my friend for very long.

Don't go. It's cruel to expect a newborn baby to be away from mum for a whole day, even if you are popping in and out.

Even child free weddings I’ve been to have allowed babes in arms. Banning a newborn is ridiculous. You won’t know how you feel. At that point I wasn’t ready to leave my baby. I think the bride is being very selfish.

I would decline. You honestly don't know how you will be doing seven weeks in and you don't need this pressure to leave your new baby. If your friend is a true one, she will understand that your newborn comes before her wedding.

I think you’ve come up with a good plan imo OP, to have baby close by to go see to feed but still go to your friends wedding for the key parts your not missing out on either then. I would stick to your plan

I wouldn't go, it's irrelevant if she'll be annoyed. It's a newborn for crying out loud!

As for combi-feeding, you should not start combi-feeding (unless for medical reasons) or introduce a bottle before 6 weeks old, as your milk supply needs to get established first. It does take around 6 weeks to get to grips with breastfeeding and to establish your supply. If you start to introduce bottle-feeding, it often prematurely ends the breastfeeding relationship. It's a supply and demand issue.

You should be relaxing and enjoying the early days, not having to faff about like this on the wedding day. You won't be able to relax at the wedding by going back and forth. Plus you may need to express for comfort depending on how long you're away from baby. Your baby may scream if separated from it's mum that young.

Honestly, if your friend cannot respect you'll have a babe in arms, then I wouldn't put myself out for her. She's put you in a shitty situation, and that's not something I'd be too happy about.

You need to tell your friend that you cant confirm or decline at this point, until baby has arrived. If your friend is not happy with that then she has to accept that you can't go.

You will have a newborn to look after, bond with and need time to recover, all while sleep deprived. Your friend needs to plan and pay for her wedding.

It would be doable if baby takes a bottle. Crazy exhausting but doable.

Things to consider:

Your recovery- emotionally and physically. What if you take longer to recover than you initially realised. You might not want to leave baby for that long, even woth popping back.

What if baby arrives late?

Feeding: if baby refuses a bottle they may need feeding more often than you realise, and feeding can take FOREVER. Especially of they are having a growth spurt and cluster feeding. If your baby refuse a bottle it would be not be realistic or acceptable to only go back a few times to feed baby.

Things rarely go smoothly or to plan. There may be issues during the delivery, with your baby, your recovery etc. Even something minor may throw you off.

Personally I wouldn't go but you have to do what's right for you.

I had a very good first birth and I would not have been able to do this. Not because it's not physically possible, it just might feel too much.

You might have a fussy baby, or a tear that's sore, or PND, or a rough time breastfeeding. OR it might be totally fine. But PND and difficulty breastfeeding often comes when you're trying to do too much, too soon.

What you really need is to be resting and bonding, not driving around the country and back and forth to an Airbnb.

My first born would have been ok with it, but second born would have screamed the bloody house down if I was away for even an hour at that age.

I would do it if it was nearby, but not 3 hours away and having to pack your whole family off with you.

Not allowing babes in arms at weddings is honestly barbaric.