Wedding, Newborn Not Invited

[FirstTimeMumToBe0524]

Hi!

My husband and I are due to have our first baby in May. I have a good friend who is getting married in July about 3 hours away from where we live. The baby isn't invited - they'll be about 7 weeks old.

Here's where I'm unsure if I'm A) reasonable and B) realistic.

My plan was for us to drive down, bring my parents and book an Air BnB for 2 nights around a 10 min drive from the venue. I was going to drive us to the ceremony, then drive back to see the baby, go for the meal then drive back to see the baby, then go for the evening do. I'm planning on breast feeding but not exclusively.

I know she won't be best pleased at us disappearing throughout the day, but at least this way I'll be there for the key parts. She's made it very clear she'd be annoyed if we declined the invitation and bringing the baby isn't an option (which I totally respect).

Does this sound realistic and reasonable? This is our first baby so really I have no idea what it'll be like leaving them or if I'm expecting too much of myself. We're very close with my parents so the baby will know them (as much as a 7week old can know anyone!)

Thank you!

You invited them though. The baby was welcome. You were not being a dick.

Mind you I had a near perfect newborn slept 4 hours on stretches from the start. And there still would have been no way I could have been up for this. Not a chance.

Newborns should be an exception. They need their parents and aren't exactly going to be running wild!

OP to be honest I don't think your plan is realistic at all.

At 7 weeks my youngest was cluster feeding and going through witching hours. There is no way I would have left anyone else bar my husband or myself deal with that, it just wouldn't be fair.

I would suggest you go to the wedding on your own and your husband looks after the baby. I did this when my baby was 9 weeks old. I felt it really wasn't fair for a baby that young to be left with anyone but it's parents for a long period of time.

Alternatively, tell the bride to be you really don't know how things are going to go with the baby and can you let her know closer to the date if you can attend?
I had 2 weddings shortly after giving birth to a premature baby. Both brides were very good friends of mine and with both of them I didn't confirm my attendance until a week before the weddings. They were very understanding.

With my firstborn, I tried a KIT day at 15 weeks with DH looking after my baby nearby to my workplace and it was a bit of a disaster. The baby screamed constantly and I had to call the day short after a couple of hours as DH wasn't coping.

We tried again at 30 weeks and it was totally fine.

I shudder to think what would have happened at 7 weeks but every baby is different, you might be ok you might not.

One thing is certain though you need to put your baby's needs before your friend's desires for her perfect wedding. She can choose not to allow a baby at her wedding, she cannot force you to leave your baby and prioritise her if that will cause your baby unreasonable distress.

Nb most first babies are born after their due date - your baby may be closer to 5 weeks old rather than 7. You may still have unhealed stitches and other birth complications. Don't commit to anything that might be difficult to achieve if you are in pain.

It’s OPs like this that make me think the world is nuts.

You’re having a BABY. It will be 7 WEEKS old, give or take. You will be all it knows and needs at that age. A wedding is not your priority.

Sounds horrendous. Both of mine basically lived on the boob at 7 weeks PP. My eldest also screamed the house down every single night from 4pm until 9pm without fail. I’d have definitely gone with DS2 at 7 weeks PP (he was a lot more settled) if he had been invited, but not a chance would I have left either at that age.

Is anyone gonna tell her? If you're breastfeeding at 7 weeks ish you'll be in repels of cluster feeding! Also you may have complications etc you may not! I wouldn't go, honestly, it's a LOT of effort with a 7 week old! It's really unfair to put them through that! Hats off to your parents for wanting to support you happened.

7 weeks? It's not like you can feed for a bit then pop back in a few hours.

7 weeks? Have you heard of cluster feeding? Colic?

I've done this with my eldest at 5 months and will be doing it again with DC4 next month (will also be 5 months). But with none of mine would this have worked at 7 weeks.

If you really really want to go, the afternoon will probably be mamageable. The evening is much more likely to go wrong.

Eeek, not a chance I'd be setting this disaster up for myself, decline! Even if baby could be with you all day then you wouldnt enjoy this wedding with a 5-7 week old

We were in this situation last July.. my fiance was best man. We had a 6 week old.. luckily wasn't far from home.. baby stayed with my mum I went to the ceremony nipped home (15 minute drive) back to meal then home again and collected baby to go back for an hour or so. They did say no children but with their own family members children. I did say I couldn't be part of the day then as I wasn't mentally wanting to leave my 6 week old for a good chunk of the day and night! They soon came round. If they don't well that's there loss baby needs you and you need baby

She's being extremely unreasonable not allowing you to bring such a tiny baby. At 7 weeks it's could potentially be a complete nightmare, or it could be fine - you won't know until baby is here

I personally wouldn't go.

I understand some people don't want children at a wedding, but this shouldn't include newborns for crying out loud.

Your friend is unreasonable and downright mean and she isn't much of a friend for not thinking about you or your new baby. If it was my wedding I absolutely would have the newborn there, I would feel so guilty saying the baby couldn't come and watch my friend scurry around booking air bnbs and dragging parents around and running back and forth from a wedding to breastfeed. All for me?

No way would I have my newly postpartum friend doing that. How horrible.

If a friend "made it clear she'd be annoyed if I didn't come" 7 weeks after giving birth I'd actually reconsider the friendship.

I know she's probably in her blissful bridezilla mode but to not think for a second that your friend might be recovering from major surgery, birth trauma, or just bloody getting to grips with motherhood and therefore make allowances for her, is just downright selfish and terrible of a friend.

PP is right you are being far FAR too accommodating.

I wouldn't go.

Fair enough if she had said "we're having a child free wedding but we understand if that means people can't make it".

But she hasn't. She's made it clear she wants a child free wedding but will also be upset if you don't go.

She wants to have her cake and eat it. She sounds like a nightmare bridezilla and a pretty thoughtless friend.

Bet she'll feel very differently if she ever has her own children.

Exactly.

I think she's a selfish "friend" and clearly doesn't give 2 fucks about you having your first baby. It's all fake.

I'd never treat a friend like this.

It’s one of those plans which sounds great in theory but in reality will likely be a frazzled stressful nightmare and you’ll wish you never bothered… in my humble opinion 🙃

It might work but not necessarily. It will definitely be an almighty stress and it is likely to be the last thing you will want to do.

This 100%

MsAsparagus could not be more right

Your plan sounds fine. You are being incredibly accommodating given that the bride is not. My advice would be though, accept the invitation but DO NOT elaborate on your plans because if you explain that you'll be popping in/out then you can pretty much guarantee she is going to have a problem with it. On the day itself she'll be super busy with all the rest of the guests that she won't notice you slipping out occasionally. It's absolutely none of her business how you're going to manage it - you'll be there, baby won't and that's all she needs to know.

Just decline
You really dont know if you will be ready to leave the house for such a complex arrangenent

If she does not mind you confirming tghe week before you might be up for it
But sounds like she will strop whatever you do

All the best plans might go wrong, especially with travelling. A 3 hour journey can be much longer.
You might be having a great week or a horrendous week where you’ve had zero sleep. You might struggle to be away from the baby, we had visitors when DD was very small and I went to the shops on my own to get some things and had a panic attack and literally ran home. Few weeks later I was fine. Hormones are nuts.
But your friend sounds ridiculous. Personally I’d just cancel, if she was accommodating I would go, but not this.

Nope. At 7 weeks I wouldn't have wanted my DC in a different building to me. Let alone a 10 minute drive away.

Tbh I wouldn't come.

If the party was held at a place my mum could stay in a comfortable hotelroom with baby I would go. No driving. No way.